Less Celery..

"Rudi likes celery... (long pause) but Rudi's not here anymore. Soo, life goes on... ( another pause) with less celery, and that's okay." ~My Mom


Sometimes the things that come out of her ramblings. I was laying in my bedroom and she literally does not stop talking to herself and that is something that popped out of her mouth. Kinda cute sometimes.

Today was tough. I woke up feeling quite horrible. Don't you hate those mornings where you wake up fully knowing that the day ahead is going to be rough just by the way your throat feels, or when you go to say something you sound like a frog.. I sure do. So I went to work and I was in rough shape. I didn't even have to tell my boss that I didn't think I could make the day. He just said, "my goal today is to get you out of here as soon as possible, okay.." How cool of a boss. I must admit, when push comes to shove the man really pulls through. He is very understanding in that way. By 12:30 some cold sweats and frog like responses to the customers later... I was outta there! The thing that got me was that he thanked me for coming in today. He said that we would've been screwed without me a few times this morning. He was happy that I toughed it out. I guess it was a good thing that I didn't call in sick. This way at least they all knew that I wasn't feeling good and they all didn't have to be completely alone this morning. It was pretty busy.

So I came home with my "soup to go" from work and downed that. The entire time I ate it at my kitchen table, which took me awhile because I couldn't at that point, breathe out of my nose.. I was still in my down filled jacket. My mom turned the heat up and I finally took the jacket off.
A real nap was in order so I took one and just awoke a half an hour ago to the phone ringing.

Tonight nothing is planned and I couldn't be happier. I have to work at 8:30 tomorrow and I need to make sure that I am in better spirits for work. There's no way I want to drag my ass for a third day there. That would just be sickening to my co-workers. I work with a couple of sweet hearts. If they read this, which I know that they do not.. I would say THANK YOU to the good, understanding people that work out there.

For tonight I find my healthy self somewhere.. so that I have energy for the weekend.

How Did It Get This Way?

Bad time.

Oh no. It has come this far...too far now. I have gone too far.

I am supposed to have respect for my mother just because of the simple fact that she is my mom. Yet, it took everything I had not to hit her...or push her out of my door way today. She always has to find a way to come into my room once I have left from an argument, to put my purse in my bedroom, or put an envelope on my dresser,etc. After I had left the fight..she had to come into the room again..and refuse to leave. I hate that.

All day I tell myself that I am going to be nicer to her. I am going to be more patient. As soon as I get into the house, all of this goes away. Instantly. It's sick really. I honestly do think about how badly I am treating her, after I am finished. Or after the damage is done. This damage is done and it is ugly. Things will never be the same I don't think. I mean yeah, we'll forgive each other but things have been said. The things that I have said to her... are ugly. I shouldn't be able to speak to her this way.

I am upset because I hate how my mom is such a push over. People walk all over her and she lets them. Yet, I am the one walking all over her now. And there's no one to stop me? But me. So I have decided that I need to get better. I am thinking about getting some help. Maybe just by talking to someone about what makes me so crazy about her. I almost am not exxagerating when I say everything that comes out of her mouth.... annoys me. Almost everything. How horrible is that? She's my mother for god's sakes. This is not a good thing.

After our terrible outbursts, I flew out of the house yelling "grow up!" and she's yelling "get out!".. I went for my third run in three days. (I will get into that on another blog). I was so upset, so of course I found myself talking to Rudi. I nearly tripped over a freakin' SNAKE. I screamed and kept talking. I was more upset than mad. I did the entire, "it's your fault! why did you have to leave?!" deal that I do when I'm frustrated. It's like when we fight, I feel like it's his fault because we're both so frustrated about everything that we explode at eachother. Me more so than her though.

It's just that all of her attention is on ME now. I am at that stage where I am almost out the door on my own..but forced to stay back because of my situation, knowing that I can't live on my own successfully. I want out! I'm sure she wants me out too. No I know she wants me out too. Now it's like our relationship is spoiled. Like when friends decide to work together. We spoiled it. Or should I say, I spoiled it.

I didn't get any answers on my run. Well I did. I need help. I need to not get so angry with her.. I need patience. I know what I need, the hardest part is trying to .. do these things.

I read all the mommy blogs and I admire how much these women think of their children. And then I feel guilty because I realize that my mom felt that way about me when I was a wee baby. She still feels that way about me. And what have I been doing all this time? I've been really cruel..

But she hasn't been all that great either. She repeats everything she says to me... ten times every other day. She constantly is on me.. If I rinsed my plate and there's bits in the sink (not a lot, I'm not a pig) she'll get all frustrated over it. I can't cut a piece of cheese without her telling me what knife to use and that I need a cutting board. I am going crazy! I need space, even though I've had it.. I am barely ever home. I need her to lay off me and I need to become a lot nicer.

Give a little, get a little.... ?

*Us, at the bar in Victoria. We're both prettttty loaded. Good times!

Making New Sister Memories

Kyli loving her baby sister! (Something is starting to pop out already.. hadn't even started dancing yet..geesh!)

On my 18th birthday there is a picture of Kyli "nurturing" me with a full glass of beer. I only thought it would be appropriate to do the same for her... on her 26th birthday.

The Land of Vic

My trip to Victoria was intensely anticipated. *we didn’t think that we were going to get there it seemed, but finally we did. *He got along really well with my sister and Joe. They had lots to talk about while Kyli and I did our routine "squacking" in the bathroom, the bedroom, the kitchen, the balcony... My sister’s place isn’t very big but we always find ways to be alone to catch up on lost time.

They had previously reserved a big table for us at Darcy’s Pub. This is a great little pub right on the harbour, in downtown Victoria. At first I was disappointed having wanted to show *him Times. (Irish Times) But once we entered Darcy’s we knew that it was clearly a place for us. There was a huge big screen with the hockey game on! *He was in. We sat at a huge, wooden table that reminded me of camp. It was so big and it could fit like 30 small kids at it. We ordered drinks..and LOTS of food. I usually don’t eat when I’m at a bar..but in this case it seemed like the right thing to do. Lucky for me I did because even after allllll of the food, I was still pretty tipsy at the end of the night.

After the game, which the Canucks won again. Ugghh. (I should be happy for them, I am... but part of me wants them to lose?? Haha) The band started up. This was a great cover band that I actually had seen play at the Rod last year when I was just visiting the island with Rudi. This band can get the crowd going I have to say. *He really enjoyed the live music I think. He kept saying, "this is going to be me in 1 year!" *He really has ambition to start up something himself with his own musical talents. I think he has it in him too. I wonder if anything will come of it. I certainly hope so.. It’s nice to follow your dreams and even better to succeed.

I have to say, I was wearing a very hard to keep up top. Bad wardrobe choice on my part. I figured since I was wearing a zip up hoody..I could conceal them. But the band was playing some pretty hard stuff and I was forced to jump up and down like a freakin’ idiot. At this point, my sister who was quite a lot more intoxicated than me..was wide eyed and constantly pulling my top up for me. Oops. Only ONCE did I lose it completely revealing a perky, bouncing breast. Only ONE. That counts for something, right? At this point, I zipped up my hoody and decided that this was it for the halter top idea. (Took my drunk ass long enough.)

*We did have a really great time. We made some new friends, or acquaintances rather. But this was our first real partying that we shared together. I think there will be many more to come as time comes and goes. We were both very excited that everything went well. We both trusted each other, had a great time sitting together and chatting it up, dancing like losers on the dance floor that was ridiculously packed. I don’t worry about him checking out other girls because I trust him. He said he thinks it’s great how I handle guys when they appear to be hitting on me. I’m not a bitch, I’m not a flirt but I "let them down gently". Haha.

My favourite time of the night is when we were walking back to Ky and Joe’s apartment and there was a bum playing the guitar. *He insisted that I give the man some of my change. I gave a little. He’s like, "Haley give him some more!! I know this song!" Then he stands beside the man and starts singing along to the song as loud as he can. Of course he sounded really impressive, but I had to literally drag him away. I know that if I hadn’t he never would’ve left this bum’s side. These are the little things I like about *him. He’s a nut. I’m pretty goofy myself. I think we’re a good match. We get along well, and I love it when a guy can make me laugh. And recently I love it when a guy can surprise me in so many different ways.

Here’s to new surprises baby!

In With The Good Out With The Bad

This is basically how I felt last night. Clinging onto..something that I wanted there..that wasn't.

I don't know... last night I just let go.. I didn't want to ..but everything I felt had been bubbling up inside me that it was about time that I finally burst into tears.. So I did. I cried..

I hate crying. I know that I always say, "it's okay to cry.. it doesn't mean that you're weak, it means that you're human." Funny how I can't take my own advice though. I just feel like if I cry.. it's like I want whoever experienced me crying's pity. I hate pity. That's what I will not stand for. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I want them to respect me and sort of have a silent understanding for why I am the way I am that day..or always.

I can say now that it felt really good to cry and let it all out. I still did feel stupid and hope I didn't scare *him. Though I don't even need to say that..I know that I didn't. He was really good about it and just held me while I bawled my little head off. (Like I look like I am about to do after that picture was taken. The man used to throw me up in the air and I HATED that..and I'd wrap my arms around his neck and be like, NOooooo I don't like that.) Rudi would've been proud of how well *he reacted to me while I was upset. Rudi would approve I think. He would know that *he makes me happy and that *his intentions are good. That is all Rudi ever really cared about. That the guy treats me right and is a good person. Rudi was the best judge of character. He was always very understanding when it came to people. I want to be like that.

I guess even I think about him, yet I... faze him out. How I do it, is beyond me. I think of something else.. But every once in awhile I see his face in my head. Like the other night I suddenly saw him in my head shaking his head..like he wasn't approving. It really bothered me and I thought waaaay too much into it. But it's little things like that.. he just is always there. Even if I am trying to avoid thinking about him..he always finds his way into my thoughts.

I miss him. I don't understand the world..but I'll go crazy trying. I know that this is where I belong..and this is where I need to be in my life right now. So I don't try to understand it.. I just live it..

I guess I just felt insecure because I feel like all the significant men in my life leave me. I know this is silly because of course they don't intentionally... well some do.. but not the really important ones. I came to the conclusion that I am terrified ... like that sick feeling in my stomach terrified of being left behind or abandoned. I feel like in the last little while, this has happened to me. I just wish that there was some way in which I could avoid this happening to me again, but I know there isn't. I just have to trust in the people I meet or am around and have faith that they too won't do what the men in my past have done. And when I say men I include the exs'.. Not only is it disappointing, but it hurts beyond hurting. I don't feel like hurting anymore for a while. So I guess where I am at in life is a good and healthy place for me. Right by my new boyfriend. Fresh life, fresh start.. new beginnings.

Flowin'

Things are moving along quite smoothly in my new found relationship. But of course, if this is going well, other things must not.. It's just the way that life works. I can honestly say that the bad in my life right now, shouldn't even be considered all that bad though. Just enough for me to wince..and maybe complain a little to my mom about. While she has something she can complain about too...

There is a small fee that the government will send a widow, or whatever to help with the funeral costs when someone has passed. But she just received something in the mail claiming that she'll have to consider that as income... and she'll be taxed for it at the end of the year. She can not work with her back disability, she is literally unable to. She's starting to panic a little bit, just because she doesn't know how it all works, etc. And she's never been the calm type to begin with. Bummer. I hate that the government is still making money off of Rudi and he isn't even alive anymore. Bastards. I guess that's how they make their money.... off of the dead people. Sounds so criminal...

And for my little hardship.. I just finished paying over four hundred dollars on my cell phone because I was using it primarily since we moved here.. And now I just received last month's and apparently, even though I thought I was being careful.... I have wracked that bill up over five hundred FREAKIN' dollars!! This is no good. I wish I could just throw the damn thing up against the wall. Too bad I have a two year plan with them. Fuckers. I enjoy the convenience of it...yet, I can not afford the price it pays. My goodness. At least I live at home, right? I don't have to pay rent ..so all that I earn is for me.. and my cell bill..and Mastercard.. But I will be able to catch up eventually. I was just looking to buy a car very soon. My last two cell bills could've bought me a car... an okay, running car!!! My freedom...blabbed away like an idiot by ME. How inconvenient.

But I am finished complaining. I don't have much reason to complain these days. EXCEPT!! The oilers are sucking ass. And it is making me very angry. A losing streak..you could call it. They only won...I believe their game against Vancouver...which was important for me. So that I could rub that in the faces of all the fans that surround me here. But now, the Canucks are winning and my team is sucking. In MY face.

Oh well. I am still very joyous. I've decided Rudi will live through me now. I will try my best to remain positive and cheerful regularly..even when things tend to bring me down..such as huge, insane cell bills, taxing on my dad's death and... Edmonton's losing streak..due to my purchasing an expensive Oiler's jersey and jinxing the team. haha I will remain happy go lucky... layed back kind of girl. That's the new me and I like it.

And by the way I have a friend that I used to work with at the BW in Hinton. I introduced her to the blog world. She has started up a new one. She's a great lady.. Single mother of three GROWING boys. If any of you would like to check out her site...feel free to..

www.deeanne1966.blogspot.com

Angelic Readings

I love days off. I had my second one today and I go back again tomorrow. I promised myself that I would sleep in but I haven't, not even once. Oh well. I like getting up somewhat early. I woke and had myself the most amazing shower in the world. This a claw tub..with the shower curtain that surrounds the entire tub..no walls. My GOODNESS this is like an orgasm in a bath form. The shower head is massive and has so much hot, steamy water pouring. It was probably the best way to wake myself up on a dreary, rainy, smug day off.

I like that I can vocalise my insecurities.. and get answers that I need to hear. I am just lucking out when I get the answers I am looking for. It makes me feel so happy to know that I am not wasting my time. I love to know that I am doing something good with my life right now. Friendships are good, but they don't fill that void..

I feel full of life.. I feel excited about my days. I wonder waaaay into the future like most girls do. I wonder about things that shouldn't even be entering my mind at this point. But it's fun..and hell who said I can't have a little fun?

Knowing that certain people read this... holds me back from really writing how I feel. There are some people at home in Hinton that read it.... and I wonder if my life is being discussed..? I hope not.. I hope that what people read on here.. is something that they can respect and know that it isn't something I would appreciate being talked about.

I am happy. I am just really excited about my current situation because it is so new. I don't feel as afraid of it as I did either. Things were discussed between us and I couldn't feel better about the situation.

I confided in my angel cards last night.. and I got.. "Self Acceptance".. and "Soul Mate".

Now I'm not jumping to conclusions..but, these are pretty dead on cards for me to be getting. I NEVER get the soul mate card, never, never. I was also feeling really insecure about myself..like I always do in any new relationship.. so the self acceptance card was perfect..just telling me to accept myself as the angels and "god" see me. I am perfect in their eyes, therefore I should believe that I am perfect the way that I am. Again, I feel better having a little talk with *him and I do feel a lot more confident.
Self Acceptance~ "You are a perfect child of "god" and every part of you is wonderful. Your angels guide you to let go of negative self judgments and to enjoy being you!"

"Although you enjoy having high standards it's important to view yourself through loving eyes. Berating yourself only makes your spirit sink. Self improvements come from a positive mind set. "









Soul Mate~" Your prayer for a soul mate relationship has been answered. Follow the guidance that you receiveso that you may enjoy this gift of divine love."

"Your heart yearns for a big love. Since you are on the spiritual path, you desire a partner with a similar philosophy and common interests. Can you have great passion and spiritual companionship with the same person? The answer is yes. "

These cards are amazing and so right on with how I am feeling lately. I think that everyone should consider getting a stack of these..because they are just so therapeutic.

Doreen Virtue, PH.D - Oracle Cards.
"Healing With The Angels"

www.doreenvirtue.com

Swept

" The next time someone says, 'isn't a girlfriend something you have in highschool?' I'm going to say, ' a girlfriend is what I wake up to every morning, and I love it."

Yes, these are words from *him *himself..

I am a happy girl. I found someone that likes to watch hockey with me, that completely intrigues the hell out of me. I can't for the life of me, think of anyone that I've met that even resembles some of these traits in my entire life. I've been swept. It's as simple as that really.

We both joke about how much we hate lame-ass couple stuff, like double dating and people that are all over eachother in public. I can't express this enough, we consider ourselves a couple, only if it is understood that we are not to be categorized as the lame ones. When we were out with another couple.. (had been asking us to go out with them a few times...) *he was being such an ass. We thought of pet names to call eachother to poke fun at our friends. I apparently..somehow am "Raspberry" and he was "SugarBum"... but I've changed it to "Fruit Loop."

Fruit Loop because he is the craziest guy ever. He's really goofy, yet sexy and mysterious.. I don't know how it works, but somehow it does. After spending the last few days with him, I am beginning to get to know him more and more.. and I like it.

His music. Wow. This *one has talent. Talent that I can't describe. His voice is so sexy... his ability to basically play anything I request is so impressive..yet, he doesn't show off at all. God, modesty is sexy. I am completely intrigued with his gift to play and sing. I stare at his hands...in awe as he plays.. I admire the veins in his neck when he hits hard notes.. his arm strumming away.. He's a great package.

His passion is what gets me the most. He has such passion for ... certain things. His family is very important, and I love it. His baby sister is the world to him and I LOVE that. His love for his sister reminds me of my brother's love for me. So right there, I know what kind of a brother he is.. a damn good one. His mom is the world to him, and I can see that as well. His buddies that he left behind are talked about often and with such expression. He smiles at the mention of one of their names. It's great. And his BEST friend, she is someone special in his life... and that's great that he has that. His music. The way that he plays his guitar is filled with so much feeling and emotion... He loves it and I can see it.. and I love it. I just admire his passion for everything that he loves in his life.

So there it is. I am hooked. Swept... I'm in and I feel so good about this..

Beats On..

Tonight. Tonight I am planning on going out on a date. We are going to dinner, decked out in beautiful outfits..to dine in one another's company.

I have made a date with Alex. We are going to a nice restaurant and I told her that I wanted her to be really dressed up. I am contemplating wearing my prom dress, just to be funny. But I don't think I have it in me just yet. I might even wear a nice dress, but put my oiler's jersey on over top. Hehe

To all the pervs that are requesting the penis pumpkin pictures..I am afraid to tell you that it is too late. The pumpkin has been tossed...by my aunt. I am unable to .... wait... Maybe she didn't just yet. I'll check tonight and if it's there..I shall take a picture of it for all of you. I will also take a picture of my winning pumpkin too.

My sister's 26th is next weekend.. And I am going to Victoria. Well I believe *we are going and *he can meet my sister and her boyfriend. Yah!! I am really looking forward to it. We're going to get shittered. Good times I say.

Soooo I am off for an interesting enough evening. I hope to meet up with *him later on, as sickening as that sounds... Like I haven't been around *him enough. Oh but it's just the beginning and it's only going to get more sickening. The feeling in me is strong...and with each passing day it's getting even stronger. Here's to my bruised, glued together.. barely beating broken heart!! A little dramatic..but good effect..

Love As If You'll Never Get Hurt

I have not been around..to update. SO weird, but at the same time.. It means that I have actually been busy for the first time since I moved... that didn't include work at all.

So, what you may ask did I do for my three days off...?? Got to know *someone better.. Isn't that the fun part really? I mean, getting to hear a new story, different history. It's different and I have decided that different certainly is better. Suddenly I feel blessed for being dumped. I can't imagine meeting up with this *one and having a boyfriend. My days were really great and they weren't even all that eventful. That's the beauty of it, isn't it? Spending time..with *someone...doing nothing and somehow it is all you could ask for..

Going back to work was a shame.. Just makes me look forward to my next days off that much more. I look forward to what my future holds...but I am also a little leery.

I can't live my life..in fear of getting hurt again, though. Everyone gets burned..everyone. All hearts have been broken...in some form or another... A heart that isn't broke does not exist in this world. A heart is meant to break. As horrible as that may sound. It is the truth. I just hope this *one doesn't do that to me. Who knows..

Love As If You'll Never Get Hurt. That's a saying I have up in my room. It' s something I have to remind myself of. My friend is in the military. It makes me very uneasy and I have told him that I fear that he could get killed once he has to go over to Iraq, or wherever... who knows by then.. And he tells me .. he could die crossing the street.. And yes of course we both know that his chances of dieing in a war are a lot more likely..but he does have a point. I mean, living in fear of getting hurt emotionally would honestly make a person mental..or at least really hard to get to know. I'd be a damn hermit. Hiding away in a cave somewhere... cursing people that hiked by..thinking... don't talk to them..they'll HURT me. haha. Went a little off there. My friend had a point. He always seems to know what he's talking about. He's a good friend. And he's right. He could die doing anything.. and that fearing for his safety isn't something I should do too too much...though that is impossible. And everyone knows what I'm talking about because of Perry over in Iraq right now. We're all worried about him. But all in all, when our time comes... we go..no matter what. And hurt will come when it is meant to..and we can't do anything about that either.

Hurt comes, but it also goes... And I can enjoy not being hurt for the time being.. Enjoy the peace and harmony in my life while it is here..

My Kind Of Night

Things are happening rapidly right now. I blink and suddenly... another great thing has happened for me. I can't help but smile, all the time. I just feel on top of the world.. I feel refreshed and new.

Last night was our 2nd Annual Pumpking Carving Thanksgiving Feast at my auntie's. I was pleased to see that my aunty as usual, made lots of dips, and bought spreads for crackers. I was also pleased to have bought a case of beer to share or not... The Vancouver and Edmonton game was on. It was ON. My cousin and her dad are huge Canucks fans. They both had their jerseys on and Alex even had her Canuck's ball cap on. I believe that I had nothing of the sort on. I am planning on going into Nanaimo on Tuesday to purchase an Oiler's jersey of my very own. I feel like I have to represent for my team here on the island. I may get beat up but... I am willing to take it for the team. Haha. So the turkey was made..table was set.. our fingers were clutching our beers as we yelled at the tv. I think my aunty planned it this way... supper was during intermission. I think that we were resembling Erin and Holli's tv zombies. The dinner was extraordinary. I loved every second of it. I ate sooo much food, but it was hard to keep up the drinking. But I did, of course. The game was very close and both teams pulled their own. It ended in a shoot out and well... we won! Again.

The pumpking carving went well also. My mom carved an evil looking creature...and my aunty tried to carve a profile of a person smoking a cigarette. Believe me if she had told me this was her plan, then I would've warned her that she isn't talented enough in the "arts" section to pull this one off. The pumpkin ended up looking like a penis with a large bag. HAHA. We had a first place, a runner up (aka FIRST loser) and the loser. My gran lost last year and was sure that she wasn't going to this year. She laughed in my aunties face..saying, "you will lose this year hahahaha". Then, I carved my step dad's face. He was the kind that was pretty easy to capture on a pumpkin if you can believe that. The candles were lit and the judge arrived. (Alex's best friend, Miss Angie.) She decided that Alex's cute face was a second place...Grannie's was the loser! And MINE was the winner. She never knew Rudi but said, "we like the guy with the glasses". I was ecstatic..(over a pumpkin) !! Rudi and I won! I got a five in one screwdriver and a mini tape measurer for my key chain. Good times..good food..dammnnnnnn good game!

The evening ended with *someone that makes me smile just thinking about him. So all in all, my Thanksgiving was all I could've asked for..

The Sparkle In My Eyes

Today today today.

My day went quite well at work. I've worked my little butt off for the last couple of months and it has payed off. I got a raise! I will not go on to share how much I make because it is peanuts, but it is enough for me right now, to live off of. Hehe, living at home has many benefits.

I am excited. That is what my post is... I am finding myself anxious, but a good anxious all of the time. Anxious for a phone call or a "get together.." I am excited about getting up in the morning, again. I mean, of course I served a purpose before, but it just is more exciting. I don't just work .. I have something to look forward to after a hard's day of work.

ALSO.... Hockey is back!!!! I am very excited about this. I wasn't at first just because since I moved, I don't get to see the Edmonton games, I get to see the Vancouver games. Now the Canucks are a good team, but Edmonton is MY team. I was born in Alberta, closer to Edmonton than Calgary. I am a fan. I don't know the names of all the players, I don't understand some of the calls... but I do love watching the games. I enjoy when we score a goal and when we get into fights.. I enjoy the OverTime games, especially when we win. The Oilers have had a rough go but I think this year it just might change. My ex used to LOVE Colorado and for some reason I hate them.. I don't even have a good reason. I just do. So when Edmonton and Colorado would play we'd be on opposite couches..doing victory dances to the other whenever our team would score. Good times. The other night, I was watching Vancouver play..which they won, by the way. And I wasn't really into it. I mean, I was into it just because it was the first game since the strike...and that's exciting. But at the bottom of the screen it says that the Edmonton game is playing on Ch. 77!!! I couldn't believe it.. It was the third period..and Edmonton was leading.. I believe 3-2. They were playing Colorado..hahahaha and then Colorado scored..with ten minutes until the end of the game. Shit. I was yelling and I was cursing and my mom was asking me from her bedroom what I was doing.. Then... it was all over, Edmonton scored and I was so excited. It's different when it's your team. My heart rate is up, and I wince whenever the puck goes near our end zone... I am angry and yelling at the players.." REBOUND. Why wasn't he there for the rebound shot..fuckin' morons.." Then we score and I'm like, " YES YES YES!! I love these guys!" (I have to admit..I did the yes, yes, yes the other night watching the game when we won..and it did sound pretty similar to "When Harry Met Sally" orgasm. You all know what I'm talkin' 'bout...) So I love my team and I am hoping that I can watch them more here because shit, it makes me really happy.

The excitement..again. It keeps finding me these days and I love it. I love that a hockey game put me in such an energetic, positive mood. Well, now let's be honest, the hockey isn't the only exciting thing in my life right now. But for now, that's all I'm going to get into detail about.. the hockey.

Remember When..

Hmm, thinking back.. Waaaay back... to my first love.

We haven't been together for over four years now. But I can't help but remember some of the good things about the entire relationship. He was my first love and I don't think that that First Love...overwhelming, breathtaking, emotional feeling will ever come back? Am I just naiive? Or was that it? I really hope not. I just know that the feeling came back .. but only for a little while with the other one.. I just can't help but wonder. He always said.. " I'll find you someday and we'll be together again." I don't want him back but I want that In Love feeling back. Who knows..

I wonder what he is up to these days...and if he is doing better with his life. I hope that he is in a healthy, non-drug related relationship with someone great. I hope that he is living a happy, successful life or at least is close to it. I want so many good things for him now. That must mean something... someone who hurt me beyond hurt ... and I want good things for him. That must mean I have learned from the relationship. I can forgive him, but not what he did to me.. or how he treated me..

I miss being young and in love. Even though at the time, it wasn't glamorous AT ALL. It was pretty bad at times, but some of the good times were always completely blocked out of my memory..by ME. It's funny how I do that.. how I am doing it. I can't believe I can actually block things out, by putting them at the back of my mind to be dealt with much, much further down the road. He hurt me in so many ways, but now I can remember the good times we did share and laugh about them..and learn from them.

Kirk helped me grow. He is a big reason why I am the way I am today. I am a much, much better girlfriend than I ever was with him. He was my first real boyfriend and I sure wasn't a candidate for #1 Girlfriend. Though, I don't think that award ever would exist. We're women...we're high maintenance..to a lot of men, I mean, ALL men that does not deserve an award. Haha. He helped me. Period.

I am no longer holding onto our memories... I am remembering them and enjoying them. He was quite the character..with faults... but man his good qualities were awesome. Total goof, total brat..always bugging me..teasing me.. The memories are so vague once I sit and try to remember exactly.... It's been so long I am not sure what it was like to be with him. Maybe that is a good thing, really.

That naiive, little, inexperienced girl is now no longer... he had something to do with that.. Today I am stronger, more independent, a little more experienced..(hehe) young woman that is on START ... in her game of Life.


(Picture is of us at his prom 2002.. at Jasper Park Lodge..even you can all see the fairytale I was living...well I thought I was living..)

Baby Steps

This blog I am dedicating to my mom. Today is a big day for her. I don't think she really realizes it, but I do. I got her to start her own blog. She is not very good with the whole computer thing yet. She's still pretty slow at it. But she is a great writer. I always noticed this in her cards on birthdays or anniversaries..she has a way with words. She is talented with sharing how she feels..on paper. Hmm, suddenly I am realizing where I might get my talent and love for writing from. I think that she has taken a giant step by entering the blog world. She is intimidated with the idea of it because it is way out of her comfort zone, to share her feelings with just anyone. But I assure her that you are all wonderful people that will enjoy hearing what she has to share.
I have been reading her Afguy's blog daily, which she always enjoys. I have been showing her Holli's videos of Faith that I am overdone excited about being able to see. She has seen Mama's kids and Suz's Connor. (cause he's so freakin' cute how could I not share him with her!)

She hears all of your comments and I can see that if she had this..this support, she would feel a lot better about her day's and night's. So I am getting her out there. It is her turn to have some friends. She needs people to converse with, and I have a feeling that this is just the trick. My mom is somewhat reserved because she doesn't like to go out and meet people on her own. She's afraid of it. I am a lot like her, but it is easier for me to meet people than it is for her. So I again think that this is a great step in her healing process to be able to share her feelings and memories of her husband, her life...with all of you.

So I introduce all of you, to my mother, Kim Wirth. www.kimwirth.blogspot.com I am afraid I do not know or care how to do links. So this will just have to do. And please feel free to check out her little entry for today and to let her know that you were there. Thanks guys!

Sing For Me

The world works in mysterious ways. Just when I thought things would never look up, they suddenly have. I think I deserve a bit of a break and some happiness these days. I am floating on a cloud as we speak. My outlook feels different suddenly.. and I feel amazing.

The world is singing beautiful lyrics to me.. making me feel new, whole... just allowing me to be happy again. I didn't realize how great it feels to be happy. I've been waiting for a chance for me to get to this point, since... everything.. and I feel now like it is finally here.

All of this time anticipating *something.. and now that *something has arrived, full on.

The sound of someone strumming on a guitar makes butterflies fly in my stomach. My heart beats faster, to each chord that is played.. The atmosphere changes and I am so relaxed and at ease with myself, with my situation, with the world..

It feels great to be back on track.. to be out there. Finally out of my unhappiness and into what I feel like is the best thing that could happen for me right now...

Jazzin' At Bailey's

Today was very busy at work. Who would've thought the entire population of Qualicum Beach would visit Bailey's? For some reason it is supposed to be slowing down, but apparently we have a good reputation because the people keep coming in. I enjoy days that go by so quickly.

We all think that it might begin to slow down a little bit, but suddenly an african american man with the deadliest grey, more like white dread locks comes in with his guitar at hand, telling us that he has permission to play his music outside of the cafe'. We double check and yeah, he is supposed to be playing. Peculiar, but true. Then he decides that he wants to sing inside because he's afraid that it might rain and he only feels comfortable performing when he himself is comfortable. Yeah okay, whatever, come on in. This sure brought in the crowds. The most diverse crowds a person might see in the same room. There are grandmas clapping, hippies tapping their feet and conservative looking women, snapping their fingers. Everyone seemed to be enjoying the music. I for one, was enjoying it but was completely overwhelmed by the demand for my attention.... making latte's, taking orders, getting ice cream, delivering food and everything else that comes with this job.

By the time he had finished his set, the cafe' clears almost instantly. There are three of us still working, buzzing around trying to prepare ourselves for closing. The other two girlies leave me on my lonesome..and wow did I ever have dishes to do. SO MUCH. But in the end I got everything finished and I was only an extra fifteen minutes. It felt good to be in charge and actually get things done in time. I was givin' er though. Givin' er my all. To be quite honest Bailey's has been getting a lot of my "all" these days.

It's just so funny that I am apart of this crazy island life now. The fact that an old jazzy hippy came into the establishment and said...I'm playing some music is that okay... and we were like yeah, no problem..just seems so not like where I'm from. I like change in this case, because I think it's really interesting. Interesting that hippies and oldies sat in the same room swaying to the same music.. ??? It's very layed back here I guess. I like that at work today I had live entertainment while I mopped the floors and cleaned out orange specks out of the microwaves. At the time I was annoyed that he attracted soooo many people. But now it makes me think...and again, I've decided.. I like it here.