One of the Good Ones

Father's Day is tomorrow..
 June 16th marks Rob's first Father's Day. I believe that today will mean more and more to him each year. This year will be special because it's his first as a Daddy. I'm writing in the dark, with the glow from the t.v. and computer lighting the room. Rob sits in the rocking chair he bought me for Christmas, with a very exhausted little girl in his arms. He busies himself with his Iphone, patiently waiting for her to be in a deep enough sleep to dare put her down. She is teething and has a bit of a cold. We took her out to the Show n' Shine's Annual Dance In The Streets tonight. She was out late, but eventually fell asleep in a friend's arms. As we walked home, the air began to cool and the melodic jerking and bumping of the stroller, kept Alina asleep. It wasn't until a street light lit Alina's buggy, that we saw two bright eyes looking up at us. She was awake, just in time for us to bring her home to bed. She began the screaming as we entered the house and carried on for about ten or fifteen minutes. Normally Alina is a pretty easy going girl, but she is a baby after all and babies do cry. Her daddy tried all sorts of tricks as I sat with my head in my hands, stressed that she was so upset. This is the very reason why Rob deserves a great day tomorrow. He is an incredible dad. He knows not to get upset or frustrated with Alina or the fact that she's upset. He tells himself that she was happy minutes before and goes through all of the different things that could be causing her to be upset. Once he checks off.. changing a diaper, feeding her, opening her sleeper so she cools off.. he takes her to our room to look at the ceiling fan- a usual favourite of Alina's. But the screaming continues, tears running down her red, angered, scrunched up little face. He then tries putting her in her car seat and swinging her back and fourth- again another trick that usually calms her. Nope, not the case tonight. He doesn't let the screaming bother him and keeps his mind on the task at hand. He tells me that he knows she is not really upset, because minutes before she was smiling and completely content. She has just gotten herself worked up and needs something. But what is that something? Finally he puts on a striped shirt because he knows she likes looking at the pattern and sits in the rocking chair, with her against his chest shushing and patting her back. Within minutes, her breathing slows and her cries turn into soft whimpers. Our baby is asleep in my favourite place; against Rob's chest. That has been a spot that has given me much comfort over the last eight years. A place where I can rest my head and feel completely safe. Turns out it's a new favourite place for our little girl. Rob's a natural. He is going to thrive at being a dad and each year he will only get better.
 Tomorrow I will celebrate his first of many Father's Days to come. I won't let losing my dads shadow the day. I will think of how lucky my daughter is to have such an amazing daddy in her life. I will appreciate that this man is in my life, keeping us happy and safe. And I will smile and feel proud that I found him and chose him to be a part of my life. He's one of the good ones..

Playing guitar for her - only days old in this picture.

He wanted to take her to the beach right away so she could put her fresh toes in the sand.

We had a jersey ordered for her the first week we were home from the hospital- priorities!

This was their "Game Face!" The onesie and t-shirt were custom made.

He will share anything with her.. even his own shirt.

Goofs.

Daddy's girl.

Diamond in the Rough

My friend Katie visited this week with her four year old son Fletcher. They stayed for two nights and we ended up having a really nice time. When Katie and I talk on the phone, I can usually hear Fletcher in the background and sometimes he likes to talk to me too. But seeing this boy is another thing entirely. He is sooooo good! He is not only polite, but sweet and sincere. I asked him in the morning how his sleep in the van was and he tells me that it was good. But then he asks ME how MY sleep was.... He's so thoughtful that way. He always begins a sentence with "Excuse me.." He is always saying excuse me before he speaks because Katie doesn't like him interrupting. His dad is the deputy chief in their local fire department and so he is very interested in anything fire department related. Rob took him to the fire hall to look at all of their big trucks. He was so thrilled. Rob took pictures of him in a bunch of the trucks so Fletcher could bring them home to show his dad. Rob and Fletcher were like two peas in a pod. They both shared a fascination with the van. Rob showed him all of the improvements he made in the van and Fletcher was genuinely impressed and excited about them. (More so than I ever am!)
 I took Fletcher and Katie to the Market with the Goat's on the roof. (Wasn't I just there touring Andrea around last week? Why yes, I was. It's visiting season.. Typically we are at the market much of the summer with different guests.) He bought a set of wooden swords and shields for him and his dad, for Father's Day. Talk about the perfect gift for a dad. This boy loves his dad like I've never seen before. It actually made me sad for boys that lose their dads in a divorce. I see how much Fletcher adores his dad, how much he wants to be just like him and I realize that if his dad ever left- he would be beyond devastated. It made me think of my brother and how much he loved my dad and how many times dad disappointed him when he was just a kid. I mean, he disappointed all of us. But there's something about a boy and wanting to impress his dad. It's .. different.
 The excursion to the market went so well because I forgot Katie is a lot like me. She doesn't like to shop around looking at hippy dresses. Most of the stores are more or less alike so I didn't have to spend hours browsing in essentially the same store over and over again! I forget these things about my friend.. "Oh yeah- you hate shopping like me!"
 Fletcher scored a bunch of times on his trip. Katie and Fletcher came to visit family in Vancouver last week. They came over to the island to meet Alina and to visit other friends in Victoria. He's such a likeable little guy that he is quite spoiled. I don't mean that in a negative way. I'm just being honest. He is liked by so many people that he ends up getting a lot of cool stuff. Rob ended up giving him a fire truck and QBFD fire t-shirt. Our back lane neighbour owns an old Fire Rescue van that he parks in his backyard. Fletcher saw the lights peeking over the fence and knew instantly that it was something fire department related. Later on in the day, our neighbour happened to be pulling that van out for the car show this weekend. Rob took Fletcher over to see it up close. He shook our neighbour's hand and showed his cute, genuine interest in everything. It was about ten minutes later that our neighbour returned with a Matchbox ambulance and fire truck for him to take on the ferry. It's the little gestures from people that just meet the little guy that show what a good kid he is. I'm not only proud to introduce Fletcher to people I know. But I'm so proud of my best friend for raising her son right! There are so many children out there that are complete brats. It's just nice to see a real gem once in awhile.
 I hope that Alina is like that. I will work hard with her to be a respectful, polite, genuine little soul- just like her pal Fletch.
 Tuesday this week I took Andrea to the airport and Wednesday Katie came to town.  It's been another busy week, but I'm grateful for it!
 Katie and I had a fire in the backyard on both nights that she was here. We had a beer or two and listened to tunes and stared at the fire. It was so nice to just sit and chat with an old friend, about old stories and people and places from my childhood and adolescence. We've been buds since Katie was six and I was eight. We both grew up in the same neighbourhood and struggled with similar parental issues. Our parents were tighter with money, so we never asked them for any, like a lot of our friends did. Our parents were divorced. When we wanted to go to the valley- (about ten minutes from where we lived) we had to get our friend's parents to pick us up because our parents just didn't want to give us a ride. It was small things but we had them in common and I think that's why we stayed so close after so many years. We understand each other and our values. We respect each other as adults. Katie is a strict mom but she has a really great kid to show for it. I look up to her and the way that she raises her son. I hope when Alina is four turning five- she can make me proud like Fletcher did this weekend.
 Here's to old friendships that last and last the test of time!

Together again.

The little knight and his new sword.

Our kids- together.

One "First" Off The List- Camping!

It's been a busy week compared to my solo weeks with baby girl. Andrea has been visiting and enjoying her granddaughter. She went out of town for a night to visit Rodney's cousins- Betty and Wendy. Those two remind me of my own Aunties (mom's sisters) - in the way that they are lots of fun to be around. They were all going to Betty's for a girl's night. Betty has a beautiful home that over looks the ocean and you can actually watch BC Ferries crawl into the harbour. She is a wonderful hostess that makes delicious dinners for her guests and it's like staying at a nice hotel when you are there. Naturally I wished I was going with Andrea.
 Friday came and the sun was shining as radiantly as it had been all week. Alina and I took a walk to visit my work buddies. Every Friday I take her to work and everyone gets a snuggle. When I returned, Betty's RV was parked in the drive-way. The girls were now going camping. Once Rob got home, he mentioned that he'd love to take the Westfalia for it's first camping trip. So we spontaneously decided to go for it!
 It took us about twenty minutes to pack up what we needed for one quick night of camping. It was our first overnight trip with Alina, so I was a little over the top with the baby items. Rob didn't think that we'd need to bring her swing. But I insisted, just in case she didn't go to sleep easily, we would wish we had it with us. I brought her four sleepers, just in case she pooped through three. I brought three outfits for the next day, so we would have options pending the weather. I brought her play mat so she would have it in the morning to make her smile for her doting Aunties and Nonna.
 In the end, Alina was so enraptured with her surroundings, that everything I brought to entertain her was nothing compared to the green leaves hanging over our camp site. She loved camping. She posed for a million pictures with Mom and Dad, Nonna and the Aunties.. Then just herself sitting in a lawn chair, then her with just Nonna, and then just Daddy, etc. etc. She was up for an hour or two, and then I fed her her bedtime snack. We had her all snug as a bug in some jammies and a warm blankie. The van has a spot right beside the bed that fits her bassinet perfectly. She fell asleep within minutes and slept well until 4 am for her first feeding.
 While baby slept, Rob and I decided to take a quick voyage down to the beach in the dark. On our way back we passed a swing set. We both joked that we'll be 60 years old and unable to pass a swing set without wanting to jump on and start swinging! There's nothing better than getting back on a swing and feeling the air hit your face as you swing up and back down. It always brings me back to a place of comfort and fun. It's funny how something as simple and basic as a swing can remind you of a time and place when the world was so much simpler.
 It was so nice going camping and being able to leave Alina in the trusting eyes of her Aunties and Nonna. I think it was the perfect first outing for all of us. We had a camp fire, roasted weenies and listened to good, old tunes. The ladies slept in Aunty Betty's luxurious RV. We slept beside it in our dinky Westy. But it was snug and perfect for our little family.
 First outing: success. I'm just looking forward to the next one!

The Aunties and Nonna - A's First Camping

Enjoying her surroundings

First Family Outing

One Happy Camper

My Girl

Daughter, I have a daughter. Mom, I am someone's mom. It's only when I walk passed a mirror with Alina in my arms, or I see a picture of me holding my girl - that I realize I am a mommy. I always wanted to be a mom, ever since I was a little girl. People say that a girl dreams of getting married, but I always thought about when I would be a mom. Now, I am and it really is everything that I hoped it would be. Of course I was terrified at the idea of being solely responsible for a human being. I described pregnancy as one big, day before a new job but over a nine month period. I began to question my abilities, my intentions and I started to doubt if I was going to like being a mom, once the day came. But once it came, and she was born.. most of those thoughts and fears disappeared. I say most of them, because it took some time to become comfortable with everything.  Changing a diaper, or stuffing a head through a newborn onesie is challenging at first. I would describe myself as a clumsy mom. When I told Rob that, he laughed and said I could call myself a "Clumsy Mumsy". So that is what I'll call myself- a clumsy mumsy. But I don't mind that title because it's honest. I have gotten better, but I'm still a bit clumsy with my girl. I'm just beginning to get bath time down to a science. It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that I started bathing Alina in her baby tub, inside of our bath tub. I would bathe her in the kitchen sink, holding her upright with one hand and washing her with the other. As you can imagine, that gets pretty slippery.
 My favourite time with Alina isn't first thing in the morning or a time of day necessarily but when she gives me lovey eyes. She just lays where she is and stares at me. I mean, really, really stares at me. I feel like she's reading my thoughts or seeing more than just me. It sounds crazy but my heart actually does something. I write, "does something" because I can't quite describe the feeling. It doesn't beat faster or anything. But I can definitely feel the love she is giving me through a simple, lovey stare.

An example of her lovey stare

   I look forward to everything that is coming. She's 3 months old and I look forward to when she can hold her head up on her own. I am excited to see her sitting upright and crawling. I can't wait to hear more of her laugh. We heard it once a couple of weeks ago and I think I actually felt my heart SMILE. No joke, I believe it was beaming with delight at the laugh coming from Alina. I am going to melt to pieces when she holds my hand or hugs me. I can't even imagine what I will do when she calls me Mommy. When she snuggles up to her dad or reaches for him for the first time, I may spontaneously self combust with love.
 Rob and I have always been very good at discussing situations at great length. If something bothers us we talk about it. If I'm feeling down about someone in the family or I'm missing my sister we usually talk it out. It's not something we do on purpose, it just happens. We communicate very well and I think that Alina is in good hands because of that. Rob is a problem solver by nature. Physical problems and the mental ones too. I always have believed that I am good at giving advice. I can't really back that up. (haha, so you're just going to have to trust me on that one!) Again, I believe that Alina will be okay, even as an emotional teenager because her mom and dad are good at listening. We've discussed that we want to be understanding and open-minded towards her as well. If there is one thing that frustrates us about our own parents, it's their inability to admit when they are wrong or not willing to change because they are stubborn. I am stubborn and so is Rob. But we both are good at admitting when the other is wrong. HAHA- we are good at that, but we are also good at admitting when we ourselves, are wrong. Rob told me that he wants to be Alina's friend. He doesn't want to tease or bug her, but he wants to be there for her when she needs him. We both want her to want to talk to us or feel comfortable about coming to us with anything. (Especially me, because sometimes you just can't talk to dad about "those" kinds of things.)
 I am excited about being a mom. I'm looking forward to the good and the bad. (more so the good, but I'll take the bad too I suppose.) Alina is going to keep us busy for the rest of our lives and we are ready to take on the challenge.. because we want to be and not because we have to be.

Dad and his blue eyed beauty

Another sweet expression

Buds for life

The Difference A Nonna Makes..

I have been off of work since the beginning of March. I had Alina the eighth day into my holidays. My maternity leave officially started March 18th, so I have until next March off to spend time with my baby girl. I feel fortunate everyday that I wake up to her smiling (usually) face. But there are times when the rain falls and the sun doesn't want to come out and the hours just drag by. Rob's mom Andrea, is here visiting Alina. She was originally going to return in the summer to see the babe but just couldn't keep away that long. I don't blame her, it is very hard being away from my sister's kiddies. (They live in Nova Scotia - two kids- boy is four, girl is one. But that's another entry.) Andrea arrived Saturday and the company has been so nice for not just Alina, but me as well. I wake up and pass the baby over to Andrea to snuggle and love first thing in the morning. It gives me a chance to get ready for the day and it gives Andrea some alone time with her grand baby. (Her first grand-baby I might add!)
 Alina is nearing the 3 month mark and she has already shown signs of growth since Nonna got here last weekend. She is beginning to pick things up with her chubby, little fingers. She recognizes songs and cute sayings that Nonna sings to her. She has been nothing but happy since Nonna arrived. The weather also took a turn for the better since she got here as well. I think the weather also makes a huge difference.
 We went to Coombs' Market this morning, before there were too many tourists flocking the place. It was actually cooler this morning and the crowds were thinner than usual. It was nice shopping around with someone for a change. We didn't even think to look and see if the goats were on the roof like advertised. But we have all been there so many times, we didn't think to look. Andrea did buy Alina a goat headband to try on a bit later though.
 We put a blankie out on the lawn and placed Alina in the middle, covered in soft blankets. She fell asleep in the shade and I laid with her and relaxed while she slept. These are things that I could do without anyone here, but I never think to. 
 I bought myself a big, black sun hat for the beach this summer and a fresh Jalapeno Foccacia to have before supper tonight. I love market shopping; so random.
 So to sum it up- I'm happy with the company. I'm grateful for my mother in law and all of her goofy, whacky songs that she sings the baby. I love having someone to hang out with during the day and Alina especially is enjoying her sweet self.

Alina and her Nonna

Alina sportin' her new goat headband from Coombs

Hunk of Junkala

Introducing our 28 year old baby .... a 1985 Westfalia Vanagon to the family.
Rob's sister Erin bought a Westy last year but hasn't had the chance to drive it from Thunder Bay to the island just yet. Rob was really excited at the possibility of borrowing it this summer for camping. When he found out she wasn't going to be bringing it, he was pretty disappointed. So, he got the idea in his head and well, anyone that knows my Robert- knows that once he gets an idea in his head, he goes for it. He researched Westy's on Friday and Saturday. We got our finances in order on Monday and Tuesday we were driving the Westy home from its previous owner.
 Rob's been in it since May 28th.. the day we brought it home. He got me to eat lunch in it with him, play cards and even to just lay in the back and imagine that we're camping. My husband is a little dreamer. He dreams up an idea, and then unlike many people; he makes it happen.
 He has since replaced the sunroof, the canvas pop up tent, fixed the lock on the window and repaired all of the curtains. He installed a light in the back and strip lights above the stove. He also got rid of the 28 year old carpet and replaced it with dark hard wood flooring. It really is starting to look like home! Look out Summer 2013, here we come!
 Even though Alina is only 12 weeks old, she already loves it. We put her in and she just stares out the windows, or at the curtains and kicks her legs and throws her arms around with a big smile on her face. It's going to be the perfect camping van for our little family.

The family in our new Westy

 

The Light In My Life

In July 2013, my husband and I were delighted to discover we were going to be having a baby! We weren't taken by surprise because it was something we were aiming for. However I was completely surprised that it happened so quickly. I have always heard of couples having to try for sometimes years before getting pregnant. Well not us. We tried once. That's right.... once. I actually found out the day before my 27th birthday. How fitting; I got a baby for my birthday!
 The pregnancy, for the most part was a breeze. I am sure there are many women out there rolling their eyes at that sentence. I have a few cousins that would probably like to beat me for it too. I have heard of women spending night after night in the hospital, hooked up to iv's because of  nausea. I didn't throw up. I felt icky in the first couple of months at night, after 6 pm. But other than that, it went really well. We nicknamed the baby Peanut because it looked like a peanut in our first ultrasound. I felt Peanut kick me for the first time while I was at work, doing the front store order. I still don't know how to describe what that felt like. It's amazing knowing that life is growing inside. But it's almost like validation once you feel that first flutter of movement. It's like- "Yes..! I really am pregnant and I didn't just fool everyone else around me into thinking I was..."
 My husband was very excited to say the least. It doesn't matter what it is, if he is into it.. he's REALLY into it. He got occupied with building a room for Peanut and basically did all the nesting for the both of us combined. I didn't mind. I mean, I had to help. There's no free ride in this household. Pregnant or not.. I painted the walls and helped hold the tape measure. But in the end, Peanut's room turned out more than I could have hoped for. Our little house was now ready for a new room mate. The room mate is what we jokingly called the baby as well. 
I would say; "Our new room mate is going to be the worst.. It won't clean up after itself.. It's going to take up so much room. Never help clean or do it's own laundry.. "
 As the days whizzed by, my belly grew.. and grew..and grew.
 Peanut was an avid kicker. I have video footage of Peanut having a dance party in there. It was probably my favourite part of the entire 9 months.. the kicking. Before I would go to bed at night, I had this feeling of excitement because I would always feel the most then. I'd lay on my side and have my hands resting on my belly waiting for the show. Even in the mornings I wouldn't like to get up and out of bed until after I felt Peanut move a little bit. Dropping things became my new pet peeve. Bending down to pick things up, tie my shoes or even just standing became pretty difficult near the end of the pregnancy. To say that peeing became quite a frequent occurrence would be an understatement. My husband became VERY patient with me when it came to how many times I'd need to stop to use a bathroom.
 My due date was March 14th. My water broke on the evening of March 7th around 10:45, while I was reading in bed. My mother in law had just arrived from Ontario that afternoon. My mom and her were both at the hospital for the delivery. The entire ordeal took about nine hours in total.  Our daughter, Alina was born at 7:39 am on March 08, 2013. When asked what I thought about the whole experience.. I replied, "It's enlightening." I found the experience to become intense, fast. The contractions are the real bitch. That's the part that made me yell out and moan. Once I had the magical epidural- things got more manageable. The pushing was intense, but I enjoyed it in the sense that every push was getting me closer to it being over AND meeting the baby!
 Around 7 am - after one set of pushes, I opened my eyes and the entire hospital room was filled with golden sunlight. It was absolutely breathtaking. Later we found out, once she was named, that Alina means Light.

My Book Launch- November, 2012

At my book launch- showing the book and the artwork that was painted for my story.

Signing books.

The story and the picture of the artwork that is shown in the book.

It Happened!

 In September of 2011, before my mom bought me my Amazon Kindle.. I was wandering through the public library, searching for the next five books I was going to read. At the end of my visit, I passed the bulletin board displaying volunteer and job postings, as well as the odd contest or work-shop. One that caught my eye, was a Children's Story Contest, held by Ascent Aspirations Publishing company. Basically they were looking for ten short stories an anthology of stories that they were putting together. All proceeds would go to the The Old School House (a local art gallery in my town.)  The Old School House would then create an art piece from each story. The grand prize winner would win a cash amount and the rest of the contributors would also be published.
 So I made a mental note to keep my mind open to new, exciting ideas for a story to write. At first I didn't really know if I would go through with writing a story. I haven't written a story, from beginning to end since I was in grade school. But, the idea really appealed to me and I couldn't get it out of my head.
 I work at the Medicine Shoppe Pharmacy and my co-worker went to answer the phone in her regular way; but instead said; "The Memory Shoppe, how can I help you?" And that's when it struck me! I could write a story about a mysterious memory shop!!
  In the end, it took over six months to hear back from the publishing company. But the wait was more than worth it! My story, The Memory Shop won the grand prize! It's difficult to describe the feelings I had when I read the e-mail confirming that I won. Elated. Overjoyed. PROUD. I took a chance, and wrote this story hoping that it would be good enough to interest readers.. and the chance totally paid off! I get to be published, in a REAL book with art work depicting a scene from the story that came from MY imagination.. And children will get to read this story for years to come. It's a dream come true and I honestly couldn't be happier. The book comes out sometime in November, right before Christmas!
  For the first time in my life, I did something that I adore and LOVE to do.. I wrote a story.  And I got paid for it! And I have a book (soon) to prove it!! AND- I can't wait to do it again..

 To prove I'm not lying- here's a link to the website listing the winners!

White Christmas

"I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.. Just like the one I used to know.."

I'm in Thunder Bay, Ontario for my very first Christmas with the Junkala Clan. I feel warm and fuzzy with the holiday spirit and especially loved by all of my new family. It is also my first Christmas away from my own family as well. I have always had at least one of my family member's with me during the holidays. So I made sure, to bring along some of our family traditions.
One thing we always eat at Christmas time is Crab dip. So I made sure to buy enough cream cheese and crab to feed everyone all season long. I also bought a very expensive bottle of Bailey's for my coffee on Christmas morning. It's a must-have and I have had a Bailey's coffee on Christmas morning, for at least ten years. There's just something about the taste of crab dip and Bailey's coffee that reminds me of Christmas and Home.
It's interesting that a taste or a smell can bring me back to a time, when I had little worries. Christmas morning was magical and exciting and unforgettable. Every.Single.Year.
Of course the holidays are difficult when family members are no longer around. But, I try not to let that bring me down. It's not always easy to control my emotions. Sometimes, I just feel too much and the tears come and I can't stop. But, being a part of this family, the Junkala's is a true gift this Christmas. I never have had a problem fitting in because they are always here for me, with open arms.
This year at Christmas I want to focus on family. I want to focus on the unity of this family, with every outburst, "Where's my camera Daaaaaaaad!? to every silly comment, "Why'd he park like that?" to "Is that beer spilling out of the ceiling?" - each and every grumble, growl and giggle.
To my mama, Andrea- you give, give, give and work so hard to make us comfortable and happy all year round but especially at Christmas time. We are having such a magical Christmas, because of you and your efforts. The house looks festive and is full of yummy Holiday baking and food. Thank you.
To my dad, Rodney- you work so hard for us to be able to come for this holiday. It has been so nice, being able to come here this year, to celebrate Christmas with the families. It is truly wonderful being a part of your Thunder Bay Christmas. Thank you.
To my sister, Erin- you have a big heart and I am so happy to be your sister. I think of you as my friend, a person to giggle with and bitch to.. and someone to borrow clothes from and tell secrets to. You give me that sister feeling, I miss this time of year. I'm so happy to be here with you this Christmas and ESPECIALLY on Christmas morning. Thank you.
To my husband, Robert- you are a mixture of everyone. You are kind, giving, loving and all you want for Christmas is to see me happy here with you. I love you and I thank you so much for being my husband, so that we can share each and every year together.
So this Christmas, we have snow falling from the sky, just like when I lived back in Alberta. A White Christmas, just like the one I used to know.. with a family, as loving and caring as the one I have had many, many a Christmas' ago.

Smiles For Miles

April 07, 2011 ~ another angel leaves this earth.

The lyrics " I don't understand why you do the things you do....." enter my mind. I don't know who the artist is that sings them, or what the name of the song is.. But it's the first thing I think of when I am told, that Miles has passed in his sleep. He is 4 months old and his time in this world was too short.

It is too difficult to try and make sense of a situation such as this. When children or babies are taken - there's no justification. One thing I do know- is that the world works in mysterious ways.... Things happen, for a reason.. and usually it takes a lot of thought to figure out why. Robert and I discussed the situation at length over the passed few days. We came up with this.. Miles was an angel while he was here. His purpose wasn't to live a full life, to experience how to talk or walk.. but it was to make an impact in the short time he was here. And he did.. boy did he ever. We met him once- last Sunday. I truly believe that Miles' purpose in this world, was to bring his family together. The last few days, have been surreal and unbelievable for everyone. Family has traveled from all over to be there for Miles' mommy and daddy. One thing we realized was that.. no matter what- death truly brings people together. Time stands still.. the busy bustle of life and routine are put on hold. No matter what- families grieve together- no matter the location or the cost..

Miles' mom, Coral is an inspiration. No doubt is this the most difficult thing she will ever have to deal with.. Losing a child, is unimaginable to people that haven't experienced it.. But during all of this- she talks about Miles being too good for this world. He was too good to stay.. And she's 100% right. Miles was meant to be a gift- something to cherish, and remember.. and love for always. Coral is a young soul, at 24 years old. A mother of two. A positive, beautiful, free spirit.. that sees the good in everything. She is someone I will look up to for always because of this. She is beautiful, honest and true to herself. She is loved by so many and in so many thoughts and prayers. She is also blessed with an almost 2 year old daughter, Evelyn. Evelyn is the light in everyone's day. She is the anchor, as her Grandma Lou would say. She is the sunshine that enters the room, the chuckle that follows the tears. She is too young to know that her baby brother is no longer.. But, she is the perfect solution to all of the pain. Bless her little soul.. Already she conveys the traits of her Mama.. What a lucky little lady.

Miles~ baby boy, with a smile that brightens your entire face... I hope you enjoyed all the love you felt from your family. Because beautiful boy- you were loved every day that you lived.. and every day that you are away. We will always remember you.. and we will be sure to mention your name and smile. We will be sure to tell stories of your four months here. I will be sure to remember the one day that I was with you. You were perfect, a gift.. and now an angel.

Here's to you baby boy- with every memory that comes to mind- years and years of Smiles.. for Miles..

Dream A Little Dream For Me

It was Thursday morning, around 5:30 am on March the 03rd.. I woke crying, from a very real dream...

My dad passed away in July of 2010. 16 days after my wedding, and 40 years too soon. Cancer struck again.
I am having an especially difficult time dealing with his death, for a number of personal reasons. But one main reason, was that I felt like our book ended, too abruptly. I knew he had cancer, but because we had a distant relationship, mainly an over the phone kind of relationship- I failed to see how serious things had gotten. He also wanted to protect each of his children from the realities of his disease. Now when I think about it, he wanted to save us from going through what we went through with our step dad, Rudi, five years prior. I respect his decisions now. 2010 was a busy year for my husband Rob and I. We were planning our summer wedding and had our minds very preoccupied. I didn't realize how sick he was until I saw him... a few days before the wedding. It's amazing now, for me to realize that he came to Qualicum Beach at all. He traveled as sick as he was, to .. walk me down the aisle. To be there for me.
Dad disappointed us a lot in our lives. But he made up for all of those times when he was there the day I was married. He was unable to come to the wedding because he was in the final stages of his cancer. He was there on that day though, just like he is here in my heart today.

In my dream, Dad takes me into a building and says, "I'd like to be here for awhile." I follow him in and the place has a "legion-like" quality to it. There are people inside, drinking and visiting. There are also cheap casino games set up through out the room. There is a man sitting in an Oiler's jersey and I ask Dad, "Where are we?" to which he simply replies, "Winnipeg."
Now some of the details in the dream may be irrelevant. But the fact that I remember all of them, seem important to me. One very important part of the dream is that Dad is healthy. He looks good, and he is my dad again. He also LOVED the Edmonton Oiler's and the legion is a place that I remember visiting with him in, as a young child on weekend visits.
He looks at me, and says, "I love rock and roll." I reply, "I know you do..." My dad has always been a very talented song writer, musician, and singer. He was blessed with this gift and has always used it through out his life. He was an artist... and never failed to use his incredible talents.
He takes me into a side room and tells me that he is sick, that his heart is failing him and that he wants me to leave him there to die. I hug him and he tells me he loves me.. But I refuse to leave. I sit there, and watch him fading away quietly in chair. After awhile, he falls.. gently .. out of his chair and I rush over to him..
He winces, in pain.. and then looks up at me and smiles.. I am holding him in my arms when he dies..
I wake from my dream, crying .. very hard. So hard that I wake Rob.. Once I am awake, I continue to cry.. But these tears are different from the ones I have cried in the past. I feel rejuvenated.. like I've been given a fresh outlook on things..
When Rudi passed, I had a very vivid, realistic and memorable dream.. that I wrote in this very blog.


http://haleyspace.blogspot.com/2005_06_01_archive.html


( To read about my dream of Rudi-- it's titled, "In A White Haze" under June, 2005 in the blog archives.)

My dream was a gift.. a gift from my dad. He was letting me know that he is still around.. out there somewhere. His spirit is still with me, in my heart, in my head.. and in my soul. He also gave me our ending. Instead of him passing away in a hospital in Drayton Valley while Rob and I were traveling from the island - in my dream; he died, peacefully in my arms...
He once told me about the first time he ever held me.. He looked down at my sweet face, noticing my little nose, and my little lips.. He said I looked at him, and he fell in love. And then in my dream, I got to hold him in my arms, and see his sweet face .. for the very last time, in my ending, in our very own.. sweet ending.

So thank you Daddy- for sending me a message.. this gift.. I will cherish it for always.. and I feel a little healed from everything. And, I will keep dreaming.. and hopefully you can pop in for a little visit from time to time.. I will keep dreaming a little dream for you.

Our Fallen Fathers

Yesterday was Remembrance Day. Remembrance Day is a time to remember our fellow Canadians that fought in World War I and II, the Korean War and even the war in Afghanistan happening today.
I live in a retirement community. I hear the stories they casually share with one another... They ask which war the other fought in.. They listen and nod in understanding. I see what the wars have done to these people and I have learned to respect them in a special way. With this knowledge I realize that Remembrance Day is taken very, very seriously. The majority of the community lived through those wars. I'm certain they don't just think about it once a year, like so many do..
This day always means something to me because the people in our community re-live something on this day. They remember people they lost and memories they wish not to see.. I woke up, to the noise of drums in the distance. I dashed out of bed, dressed and I hurried to the end of my drive way, juuuust in time to see the parade of veterans, police officers, the cadets and legion members marching by. The bag pipes were being played to the beat of the drum and my heart swelled with patriotism, sympathy and hurt..

I am proud to be a Canadian. We are a loyal nation. We work hard, we stick together as a Country and we are there for other countries.. fighting along side them in a war that isn't even ours. I am always sympathetic to the men and women and family members and friends that were greatly affected by the wars. I read a lot of books and watch a lot of tv specials and movies.. So I believe I have an idea of what it may have been like, but at the same time I realize that I have NO idea what it was like.. My grand mother who left Germany with her husband and four boys in 1957 told me stories about the war.. Stories of anguish and struggle. It was hard on everyone, all sides of it.. So my sympathy goes out to the men and women whose lives ended on the beaches of Juno and Normandy... To the family members who received word by telegram, or from the grave look of a soldier, taking his hat off before reciting the lines that no one wants to hear. Ever.
I also felt hurt .. Pain, for myself. For my dads. My step dad passed away March, 07, 2005 of brain cancer. He was diagnosed February, 01st and taken from us just over a month later at the age of 55. My dad, that always lived away from us, but loved us just the same.. passed away on July 27, 2010 of prostate cancer, at the age of 56. He started out with bladder cancer and tried out the expected treatments for a couple of years. But, once it had spread and he stopped treatments, it was only a matter of time before it consumed him. Cancer consumes.. Takes and takes and takes until there is nothing left to take but our lasting hope for a miracle..
I was married on July 10th and my dad flew out from Alberta to be here for it. He never left his hotel room.. not once. He was too ill. He sat in a dark, hot hotel room, over looking the beach, knowing his baby daughter was getting married and he couldn't even leave his room to be there. I feel an aching, huge sense of loss with my dad's death. I was healing after five years from Rudi's death and then life threw another curve ball we didn't see coming.. and bam. Another dad. Another loss. This one different in every way from the first. All the emotions I feel.. No sense of closure. Our book was closed before it was finished. There was so much more to write... We had so much more to learn from each other. I had anger towards you.. and now, you are gone. Our story left untold..
Remembrance Day is a day to remember our soldiers. But I took it as a day to remember everyone who we've lost...
So.. Here is to Rudi Wirth, a man who loved with his whole heart. He lived each day to it's fullest.. He lead a healthy lifestyle, he loved nature, animals and most importantly his family who he saved and who saved him, so many years ago.
Here's to Bernard Parenteau, a man who always lived his life the way he wanted all along. A very talented musician and singer, full of wisdom and words to make one think. He is the father to three and to three more .. He is my father, always was, always will be.. and what would or could have been will be something I will always wonder.. as I reach my adult life and begin a family of my very own.
I will take with me Rudi's huge heart, his loyalty and his reasoning.. I will take my dad's natural ability with a guitar, his stubborn edge and his goofy sense of humour. I will work towards being the best person, wife, daughter, sister, friend and one day mother.. that I can be because of the most important men that have left me early. They will be the reason why I am good in this world..
So Happy Remembrance Day to everyone who has experienced loss. You are not alone in this world. The ones we love are not lost for good, we will find them again, when it is our turn and they will be waiting for us to join them somewhere, someday.

A Day To Remember...

A Band of Promise

Life As We Know It

I stumbled upon my old journals today. I was feeling ambitious and thought I'd rummage through some old stuff and get rid of it. But of course and as usual.. I opened one of my journals and started reading. I took it into the living room and read the entire thing. I have written in a journal every single day since December 30, 1996. So since then each day has been recorded. After reading the journal I realized things have changed SO MUCH.
I was surrounded with people all of the time. I can't believe how many people I surrounded myself with. Of course it's because I was still in high school and I really didn't have much of a choice. But it just occurred to me that things are so different now. I think of my priorities during this journal and my current priorities. I worried about Josh, or Nate liking me.. Will Kirk know how much he hurt me? Now I worry about how many people are going to come to the wedding, and hoping that we have enough room for everyone we care about. Work was just something I had to do so that I had some extra cash to buy Christmas presents with or to waste at the bar. Work is something I still have to do.. to pay off loans and credit cards and to put away for the upcoming wedding. I was concerned with who to take to prom and being rejected. I'm concerned that I am not as good at my job as I try to be. A good time was being told that I was hot by 3 guys at the bar and making out with one of my guy friends. Now a good time is any Friday because it's finally the weekend! and going to visit my nephew Quinn and getting to bond with him.
I enjoyed looking back at what life was like for me in 2003. But now I am where I'm at and I have to admit.. I'm pretty damn happy about it. I'm happy that I own a house at 24. I am overjoyed that I have my one, best friend to live and grow with and MARRY this summer. I feel like I am at a great place with each of my family members. My best friend is my sister. I look forward to each time I get to see her. We're crossing our fingers in hope that Kyli and her fresh family will move here sometime in the next year. Life would be ideal then.
Life is good. It's nice to look back on how my life used to be and at the same time appreciate where I came from and how I got here. I like where I am and I am anticipating what is to come for me and my future family.

Sum Up

This has been by for the most exciting year for me! And for a lot of people in my life..
I don't even know where to begin...
My sister and Joe were married August 02nd, 2008. I was the maid of honour and Rob was one of the groomsmen. It felt very grown up and real being in my sister's wedding. I always thought about being in a wedding as a little girl. I don't think I put as much thought into my own wedding, but more on being in a good friend's wedding party. It just seemed like more fun to me. Rob got to meet the rest of my family if he hadn't already and we got to meet Joe's family from Nova Scotia. The summer was CHAOS but, we really will never forget the great memories that we created.
My cousin Alex was married shortly after and it had been my second wedding of a close relative. It was beautiful and the weather was phenomenal! Now Alex and Andrew have started their own little puppy family and I think they'll be moving onto the baby stage of their life very soon.
Rob and my 3 year anniversary was in October. Rob got down on one knee in our bedroom and asked me to be his wife. And I tearfully accepted. The ring, was perfect. The moment was sweet. I couldn't believe that I was in that moment. Our engagement. It was really something else to be able to tell our family members that we were getting married. A big, step into my adulthood. And it's something we always knew was coming because we both slipped perfectly into eachother's lives like we'd always been there. We bought our first house together, the one we fell in love in and had our first kiss in the hammock in the backyard. We were in our first wedding together. And now we are having our own wedding in July 2010.
Thanksgiving came and I met my best friend's baby boy Fletcher. Katie and Eric came for a quick weekend visit to catch up and for me to meet our new baby. Fletcher was so good even at 4 months. Eric proposed in our driveway while they were unloading baby toys out of the car. A perfect weekend. Oh, and Ky phoned me when she got home from the long weekend with the news of a baby on the way! Finally- a baby of our own! It was the one thing that would sum up how amazing this year has become!
Kyli has had a fairly good pregnancy. She didn't get morning sickness and I hear that that is rare in a first born. She's gained weight in all the right places and she looks healthier than ever. She is a beautiful woman. She has unique, sharp features that you'd read about in a Jane Austen novel. But pregnant, she remained that same beautiful but with a softer edge and best of all she glows. She gives off so much happiness when we talk about the baby or Joe. She is one happy woman. I'm so proud of that. Their success.
Kyli is to be induced at the end of the month and it could be so soon. I am on a cloud of urgency and anticipation for this new person in our family. I always think of how insane it is that we make people. I think of pictures of me when I was a baby or Ky and Linc. It's so old fashioned. Our parents look young and their styles are laughed at, but admired.
Rob and I get to be aunty and uncle together. We're going to be the FUN ONES! I can't wait to take that on.
My mom did move back to Alberta which was a mistake in my opinion. I don't think badly of her. She needed to get out of Errington. But, I just wished she would've looked at other options closer. Now she may not be able to be there for the birth of her first grandchild. She's coming out this summer to visit and I look forward to having her near.
Lincoln and Dad are getting together this weekend for a man to man kind of talk. Dad spoke to Ky and I about the divorce when we visited him and not in an unfair way. But in a way that we had never heard. We knew mom's story because we were raised by her and it came out here or there. But with Dad we just never asked and he never told. I hadn't thought of my parent's ten year relationship, marriage from my Dad's point of view. It just put everything together nicely and it made sense to me. I get why they decided to split and I respect it on both of their sides. It was a talk that I appreciated and I know Linc will too.
My dad and Shelley are grandparents of two babies. Shelley's oldest boy, Travis and his wife Brigette had their first baby girl. She's the light of Shelley's eyes and she calls dad Papa. Dad's a papa and it suits him. Dallas is Shelley's middle boy and him and his fiance' Nicole had a little one of their own a few months ago.
I was into my third year at Bailey's and I caught an opportunity that I didn't see coming. I got a job with a co-worker's daughter as a Pharmacy Technian. It's a huge step up from what I was doing and I felt like it was my next move.. to get a job that may lead me into a career or at least give me some better experience. It was difficult at first for many reasons, but I'm getting used to the changes and I feel like I've improved immensly.
Life is going accordingly and I am happier than ever to report that every corner feels like a new experience to document and cherish.

Symbol of Love and Companionship

Our date is set.. July 10, 2010..


I don't know when it happened.. but I am this private person that I wasn't.. I prefer to keep my feelings to myself..rather than share with the rest of the world. I guess now rather than before when I first started this blog I have something to protect.. to keep to myself.

I'm getting married. It's still foreign to write or say.. I've been engaged since October 7th and I am surprised at how long it took me to share my news.. in writing. I always thought I'd be a much different bride to be than I have been so far. But I am not disappointed, just surprised at the woman I am slowly transitioning into.

I'll share a little..

Robert is unlike anyone I've ever been with. He is selfless when it comes to caring for me, in any way.
He has a very strong head on his shoulders that encourages me to go out there and do the things I fear I can not.
When I first met him I realized right away that his family was very important to him. Now after our time together, we are family and I feel how important we are to each other.

It's cliche'.. but he is the last person I see when I go to sleep and the first person I see when I wake up.. and it feels right. We fit. He fits.

I look forward to starting our life together as a family of the same name because we've been connected and "married" since the day we met.

By: Little Haley

Today as I was sitting in the backyard.. taking the last sip of my Dr. Pepper.. I noticed.. the contest promotion on the side of the bottle.
I bought the pop the night before at a pop machine down the street. Usually, as a kid the very first thing you realize is the contest on a pop bottle. The sheer possibility of winning something causes a kid to choose that very pop instead of a preferred flavour. It struck me as odd that I hadn't noticed to "look under the cap" for so many years.
Does this mean that I am too grown up and busy with life to notice these sweet pleasures I once enjoyed as a kid? How many caps have I failed to look under to see if I was a grand prize winner of a new Hybrid or a free pop?
As a kid I couldn't wait to grow up. I day dreamed about living with my "husband" in our very own home with a set of twins under my arms. Now, it seems as though I reminisce about road trips with my family. I was always the last to choose my place in the van. I got whichever seat the older two didn't want. I couldn't wait to have my own vehicle, one that I would drive and not have to worry about my seating. Now, I get into an empty car.. with my head full of groceries to buy for the next week, making sure not to spend too much so that we'll have enough for the mortgage payment, or insurance for the very car I now own.
I miss my adolescence. I miss the care free nature I once bestowed. I miss being a family.. Mom, Rudi, Kyli, Lincoln and I all together in one space.
I'm going to take the neglected bottle cap as a sign to see as a child sees. To appreciate the little things in life, that so many adults fail to. I want to embrace that crazy, hippy kid inside.. the one that wore red and green plaid suspenders to school..with a red turtle neck. I'm going to eat a bag of chips and not feel guilty. I'm going to jump into a pile of swept, drying leaves this fall.

My point- peek under a cap and see if you won. My cap said.. Sorry Try Again. And.. I will.

Ladie's Night

I was on the phone with my best friend the other day. She's seven months pregnant with her first child. So you can imagine the conversation we were having. I love picking her brain about her pregnancy because I've always been fascinated with pregnant women and the whole process of it. It's remarkable really and it so happens that my best friend of all time is going through it, and I can ask her anything I want without offending her! So I do - all the time!

I happen to be approaching a milestone of my own right now. Rob and I were informed last Sunday that our land lady is interested in selling the house that we're living in right now. Lucky for us, she asked if we'd like to purchase it privately first. So we've been going through the process of realtors in and out of the house all week. I know that Rob has been taking on most of the stress and he is about to shut down very soon. I feel bad that I haven't had to take on as much stress as him. But we live in a retirement community on the island and where we live it is very difficult for a young couple like ourselves to purchase anything in town. The house we hope to buy is on the main street in town and if there was to be any expanding, this would be the next street to start. So - the property could be worth a considerable amount more than it is now.

I was telling my girlfriend about it when I realized that we were both in the middle of doing some really important things in each of our lives. She's bringing a person into this world, which is HUGE. I'm getting my first ever mortgage with my sweetie. Mortgages, Babies and the only one left really is.. Marriage! Then she realized, my sister who is more like my best friend here is getting married this August. So we're all doing the three biggest things in our lives, just in different order! I thought it was quite the discovery and it just got me thinking.

My sister is happily engaged to her fiance' and they have yet to buy a home. But I know that they're really gearing up to do so. Once Rob and I do (hopefully- he's on the phone finalizing some things right now!) buy a house, we will be able to give my sister advice. My best friend already bought a home, so she's giving me advice and getting me really excited. My sister can give me advice about marriage when the time comes and once I am married I can give my words of wisdom to my best friend. It's so important to have contact with other women in our lives.

I had the day off and I never get weekdays off. So Rob wasn't home and I had the house to myself. I sat in the living room in my robe, drinking tea and I watched the movie, "Too Wong Foo Judy Newmar Thanks for Everything" It's a crazy title, but the movie is about three drag queens that go to a narrow minded small town and have a huge impact on the people in the small town. Wesley Snipes, John Leguizamo and Patrick Swayze play the drag queens. It's a very cute show and it has a really strong message. You need friends in your life. No matter who you're married to, or how busy you feel.. Other women are a need. I know that I feel really alive when I'm with a group of women. I think that's why people love Sex and the City so much because it's empowering to watch. It makes us all long for the same friendships if we already don't have them.

I have one best friend that lives in Alberta. She has been my rock for at least the last nine years. We were pals when we first met in grade two. We had play dates and later on when she moved into my neighbourhood we were always spending time together. But we didn't get really close until highschool. That's when we needed each other the most. She has been there for me for so many BIG DEALS in my life. I hate to say it, but I've had quite a few BIG DEALS in the last nine years! I can only hope that I have been as good to her.

My sister is my true best friend in the sense that she's always been there, literally. Always. Now that we live near one another again, we have rekindled our relationship and I see her at least three weekends in a month. I really cherish our time together because we have so much fun just by sitting beside each other while watching t.v. Nobody knows me better than my sister. So having her in my life is imperative to my very survival!

My mom is also very important in my life for obvious reasons. She's my mom. I'm a total mama's girl at heart. So I feel like I need to have her near me. Sadly she's moving to Alberta this summer. She dropped the bomb on me this morning, that she bought a house today. Wow. Rob had a good point when he said that it's upsetting that she's going to be gone. She definitely made us feel safer, knowing that she was just a ten minute drive away. She was our security if we were ever in a bind. But, that's why it's even more important for her to go. We need to let each other go because we've relied on each other for so long. She leans on me and I like knowing that while she's around I can lean on her. It's healthier for us to be apart, at least that's what I've been told. She'll still be there, just not as close by. Time to cut the chord !

We need our ladies in our lives. The friendships that I still have in my life are there to help me grow, to learn.. to be. So this is a tribute to the best of my best.

These Days

I neglect to write... although I have the time to do so. I just choose not to. I'm not hiding. But I do feel like I need to put more of an effort into my writing. It's what I've always wanted to do. But something has been holding me back. I have a sneaking suspicion it's me. My insecurities, my lack in effort.

I find that in the last little while I've lost interest in doing a lot of things. I am not depressed, no. Today for example it was a beautiful January day. We woke late and I made a nice breakfast. After the dishes were dealt with I was thinking that a walk outside or a stroll through Cathedral Grove for some pictures would be pleasant. Rob had to stop at a music store first and we waited in front of a "Back in 5 Minutes" sign and all I wanted was to get back in the truck where it was comfortable and warm. My intentions are always good. Yet I never seem to follow through with my ideas. I don't like to be cold or uncomfortable. Call me picky.. I know I'm better in the warmer months. I do like to be outside when the weather is better. But I wish that I could be more like people that bundle themselves up to go for a day long hiking trip.

Another part of me just thinks... I am lost. I don't know who I am. Or... I do know who I am and for some reason it isn't good enough for my personal standards. Or.. I'm not trying hard enough to be a better person. What I do know is that I'm confused. I am quite content with staying in doors reading a favourite book. I'm even more content with having a bottle of wine with a friend in the comfort of a home on the weekend. By friend I mean sister or cousin. I don't have too many friends out here still. Again I think that has to do with my lack in effort.

My days have been filled with work and later on - spending time with Rob watching our favourite t.v shows. We sound 80.. But it's what we like to do during the winter months. We kind of hibernate on the weekdays. On weekends we either have my sister and her fiance' over... or we go to Victoria and visit them. On more rare occasions we spend time with my cousin and her fiance'. But really- that has been enough these days.

I've been reading more than ever lately. I probably go through three or four books in a month. We just bought a sturdy, handsome book case. I'm really proud of it. I've always wanted one for all of my treasured books. Each time I finish a book, I put it back in it's proper place and study the rest of the shelves for a new story. Rob and I went to a used bookstore that we discovered beside the music store today. I bought three books and we were rewarded with two more for free. It was fun looking at old books and it's something that I'd like to do again. That actually got me excited. I feel limited with things that I like to do. So this was one more thing to add to the list.

I haven't been up to too much. But I'm okay with that. Winter will be over soon and the months leading up to summer time will be very busy. I'll look back in August wishing I was here in January contently reading my used books in front of my personal, little library.

Bluster of Thoughts

It has been a long time since I posted. I feel like if I had any readers at all, they have all probably given up on me. Thinking that I have finally abandoned my keyboard once and for all. But that's not me. I have not truly stopped writing. I just haven't found the urge to write in my blog. It's not like there isn't a million different things that I could write about. My life has been busy and full of events. I guess I just haven't chosen any to write about just yet. As I sit here, Sunday afternoon, the sun is peaking through the half drawn curtains behind me. I still have no clue what my topic will be today. I do know that I am sick of seeing the same post every time I go online. My blog is my homepage and the last time I posted was I believe late August.
My sister is getting married, my step-brother and his wife just had their first baby last month. My good friend from work quit and moved to the mainland, leaving me feeling a bit alone and sad at work. Rob and I purchased an expensive, wonderful t.v the other weekend to add to our slowly growing collection of household items. My mom broke up with her boyfriend and my brother and I patched up any differences that we were having in the past. An entire list of events have occurred and yet, I don't feel the need to get into any of them.
I don't have writer's block, I have writer's procrastination. I feel like there is so much to write about that I won't be able to cover everything.
I was watching a television show called, Rescue Me. It's a really dark, but clever and humorous show about the firefighters from 9/11. There's a part where the main firefighter is praying to God to keep his daughter alive. He says, "Now I know I haven't been the greatest.. But if there's one thing I would pray for.. it would be to help me out here. Please, please keep my daughter alive..."
I don't know if it was the music playing, or the setting of him in the candle lit, gloomy looking church but I got really upset. I actually yelled at the t.v. "Yeah, it doesn't work!"
Even the outburst doesn't make much sense once I think back to it. But it was the idea of the man begging God to keep his daughter alive. Asking for just that one thing... I was saying it doesn't work because I remember doing that for Rudi when he was sick. I darted out of the room, face full of tears and I dropped beside my bed facing my night stand and I cried. Of course I didn't allow myself to cry for very long. Not even long enough for Rob to notice that I was upset.
I don't really have a point to the story. I just wanted to share it. I'm doing well when it concerns Rudi. It's just strange how someone who used to be apart of my everyday, doesn't really fit into my life right now at all. Kyli and I did something kind of crazy the other night. We had been drinking and we just finished watching my favourite British show called, "Most Haunted". We made our own Ouija board out of paper and a soap dish. (don't ask!) We attempted to contact Rudi on it. The experience is personal and I still don't know how I truly feel about it yet. But it was interesting. It left me feeling... like I wanted more. Like I'd like to get together with her again and try it out one more time.
I guess how I'm feeling is normal. I just miss him. It's Mom and Rudi's 19th Wedding Anniversary tomorrow. I'm just reminded of him every once in awhile. I think of him, less often than I used to. But I don't feel guilty about it. But I certainly do notice when I think of him these days. I think what I need is to sit back and dedicate some time to thinking about him. Allowing myself to feel however it is I feel at that moment. I need to just stop. And think. And not avoid what I am feeling.