Christmas was okay. It was really great to see my brotehr especially. Lincoln had a good time too. Joe and Linc were like real brothers during the holidays. They were playing drinking games on the computer, laughing, drinking beers and shooting each other in the face with their toy dart guns. Not to mention filming it all on camera and feeding each other lines off of Forrest Gump. It was a Gump Christmas. TBS overplayed that movie over the holidays I think. I thought it was just awesome to see them get along so well but I couldn't help but think of Rob and how he was missing out on getting to know the boys. It just got to me especially on Christmas night. But no big deal.
Drinking. Drinking was something that started up as soon as the family got here. Perhaps to numb ourselves or to make the time pass so that Rob would get here sooner. Don't get me wrong I still had a great time with everybody. I got so loopy that I made Joe play "Grandpa" on his guitar as I sang along, very seriously. Haha.
So December 27th came and it was an anticipated date. Seeing Rob was almost surreal for a minute. First he looked like he did when I first met him, with short hair.. So I was shocked by how different he looked to me. Then actually having him there beside me like he had never left was just so unreal to me.
Our Christmas that evening was so much fun. We sat on a blanket on the living room floor, the gas fire place blazing and our hockey highlights blaring on the t.v and wripped open our presents. His empty house was finally a home again. We have been together since. And like our moms have both said to me; distance makes the heart grow fonder. Kim and Andrea know what they're talking about I think. Being together turned into something much more special since he'd been gone.
Now I find I'm getting lost in the features of his face. From his icy, cool blue eyes to the little gap in between his front teeth. These little things that I notice make me smile, the little details. I get lost in his every detail and this is an exciting feeling. Time really doesn't feel like it exists when I am spending it with him. As cliche' as that may sound.
Celebrating the New Year with him and his buddy Parker was really something else. Parker and I get along like we've always known each other. I can tell that this really pleases Rob. We have been all hanging out like room mates and this is the way that it should be. I'm really glad that it's working out.
To me 2006 represents my hopes and dreams. 2005 represents the end of Rudi's very existence in this world. I want so much for 2006 to be my year. To be a year that will always stand out when I look back on it. I want to be able to say, that this was the year that my life really started to pick up.
I am a sucker when it comes to relationships. I may have grown thorns around my heart but I always end up wanting so much to come out of my relationships. I put all of my eggs in one basket to later find out that I was hurt once again. So this year, I hope for it to be different from all of the rest.
But my feelings for this one are like no other I have had. So no matter what 2006 holds for me.. I have an inkling.. that it just might work out. At least that's what my heart is subtley whispering to me.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Saturday, December 24, 2005
The Eve Of Christmas..
I don't even know how I've found time to write this post. Christmas is a really busy time once the family is altogether. Then again my 26 year old sister woke me up nice and early by laying directly on top of me..and laughing? How do you not laugh at a situation like that? But I find myself awake and it is still early, on my first day off; Christmas Eve. The two of them are outside smoking, mother and daughter. So I decided to blog.
My sister brought her digital, the only thing I asked for for Christmas may I add..and found out two nights ago that I was not getting. My mom's short term is the pits, so she forgot that I had asked for anything. Bummer. But we were taking loads of pictures and they turned out to be quite hilarious. I believe they are going to be sent to me after the holidays because they can't get them on the computer .. I don't know how it works. I am a bit behind on the digital cameras these days.
Last night the wine was uncorked and plentiful, shared between myself..and myself. Well, I did salvage one glass to my sister, unwillingly. It is Christmas.
I find that I am still a bit excited about it even though I would now consider myself an adult. I look forward to tomorrow morning when we'll all be up and ripping open presents together. I have never had a Christmas with both Kyli and Joe, so this will be nice and different. It's really nice to see my brother in the house. It just makes it more home having all of us here. Rudi is here too I bet and very happy to see that we're not sobbing our heads off in depression and self pity. I haven't felt sad yet about Rudi since all this Christmas stuff started. I mean, since Rob's been gone I haven't really broken down like I usually do. Then again, I might be holding back until he returns to do so.. I have NO IDEA how my little warped mind works.
There is a retarded amount of presents around here. Kyli and Joe brought three huge boxes worth of presents sent from Joe's family in Nova Scotia. How intense is that?? But it makes the Christmas an even bigger one. And I think it makes mom a little envious...and insecure about the presents she's bought them. But oh well..Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without the added stress of wonder and self doubt.
I know that blog land won't be very busy at this time of year, and if it was I'd truly think I'd be sad about that. If I was getting my digital I'd be documenting tons of pictures each day, but unfortunately the short term memory wins again.. Short term .. you suck.
Merry Christmas Everybody and I'm shooting for happier days to come this year..
My sister brought her digital, the only thing I asked for for Christmas may I add..and found out two nights ago that I was not getting. My mom's short term is the pits, so she forgot that I had asked for anything. Bummer. But we were taking loads of pictures and they turned out to be quite hilarious. I believe they are going to be sent to me after the holidays because they can't get them on the computer .. I don't know how it works. I am a bit behind on the digital cameras these days.
Last night the wine was uncorked and plentiful, shared between myself..and myself. Well, I did salvage one glass to my sister, unwillingly. It is Christmas.
I find that I am still a bit excited about it even though I would now consider myself an adult. I look forward to tomorrow morning when we'll all be up and ripping open presents together. I have never had a Christmas with both Kyli and Joe, so this will be nice and different. It's really nice to see my brother in the house. It just makes it more home having all of us here. Rudi is here too I bet and very happy to see that we're not sobbing our heads off in depression and self pity. I haven't felt sad yet about Rudi since all this Christmas stuff started. I mean, since Rob's been gone I haven't really broken down like I usually do. Then again, I might be holding back until he returns to do so.. I have NO IDEA how my little warped mind works.
There is a retarded amount of presents around here. Kyli and Joe brought three huge boxes worth of presents sent from Joe's family in Nova Scotia. How intense is that?? But it makes the Christmas an even bigger one. And I think it makes mom a little envious...and insecure about the presents she's bought them. But oh well..Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without the added stress of wonder and self doubt.
I know that blog land won't be very busy at this time of year, and if it was I'd truly think I'd be sad about that. If I was getting my digital I'd be documenting tons of pictures each day, but unfortunately the short term memory wins again.. Short term .. you suck.
Merry Christmas Everybody and I'm shooting for happier days to come this year..
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
One Week Shift
I just returned from my first cookie party. I am impressed with the idea of such an event. I mean, how brilliant of a woman... make a few batches of cookies and invite others to do the same and to bring them..get together, socialize, drink, eat your faces off... and leave with all of your holiday baking. It's quite the clever, little idea. So cudos to whoever thought of that.
My first impression when I walked into the house was.."you're okay, you can do this.." and then when I walked upstairs to see.. No one that I recognized I was more like, "ahhh, run before anyone sees you!" But, I made it through the first forty minutes. Those minutes were a bit slow with getting other people to talk, or getting myself going. But after awhile, and only one 'special' coffee later, I was telling stories about hiking, Alberta, my license? my love for chips and not cookies (oops..hehe) and how much I am loving the island life. So it was all good in the end.
Rob's aunty and cousin were the ones holding the party and I felt that it was important for me to go, just to show them that I am comfortable enough to go and to let them get to know me a little bit better. Things like this are important and I know how important these relatives are to Rob, seeing as they are the only ones here on the island AND because he does love these ones very much. I was also invited along with my mom, so as to get her butt out on the social scene. But she must not be ready for that just yet. She should've gone because she may have met a few ladies that she could've gotten along with. But to be honest, the one that she would've liked the best would most likely be Rob's aunty anyway. So at least I know she didn't really miss out on a new friendship opportunity. I know that my mom will meet Aunty L. sooner or later.
I also felt like this was something I had to do... wanted to do because Rob's really important to me and I know he is really glad that I went and did this. The fact that he's not even here makes it an even bigger deal. It shows that he didn't have to kick my ass out the door in order for me to show up, because he's all the way across Canada.
I am doing much better than I thought I was doing, not having Rob here and dealing with Christmas. I've mentioned before that this is the best week for him to be away because it is the busiest week for me. My brother and sister will be arriving hopefully on the evening of the 23rd. I am very excited for their arrival because then it will truly feel like Christmas is here.
Rob mentioned to me tonight that we have one week apart and then he'll be home. I am glad that it's only one week but it also discouraged me. It feels like he's been gone for days..when really he left on... Sunday? It's almost like when you start a shift at work...and your two hours into it..and your co-worker says, "Wow you've only been here for two hours..you still have.. six more to go.." Ugghh, it's like.. Noooo I haven't checked the clock yet, and then after that you can't seem to keep your eyes off of it. That' s sorta how I felt tonight when he told me that. But that's okay.
He seems to be pleased with me from the stories he's been telling his family. This makes me happy, knowing that he's proud enough to talk about me lots to family and friends. It actually makes me REALLY, REALLY, REALLY happy.
Aunty L. called me sweetie and told me that she just loves me when I left tonight. There, the cookie party was worth it.. for that. I even stashed a present under their tree with a card to the whole family, even Nibs the dog.. and she didn't see it. So that will be a nice surprise for all of them. Plus! She loved me before the nice "fruits and passions" products that I bought them.. Hehe. I am so pleased that she Loves me and thinks I'm a sweetie. We even made plans to get together later in the week to do some..ahem (can't tell, Rob might read..) .. and drink some wine with a few girls. She said she'd love to join, so I'm gonna invite her no questions asked. She was only getting started tonight, but she looks like she could be a lot of fun.
Sooo, in conclusion, the night was great. I did this to meet new people, which I did. Get to know Rob's family better.. which I did. To get an assortment of cookies, which I did. AND to show Rob how much he means to me, which I think I did.
Check Check Check Check !!!!
My first impression when I walked into the house was.."you're okay, you can do this.." and then when I walked upstairs to see.. No one that I recognized I was more like, "ahhh, run before anyone sees you!" But, I made it through the first forty minutes. Those minutes were a bit slow with getting other people to talk, or getting myself going. But after awhile, and only one 'special' coffee later, I was telling stories about hiking, Alberta, my license? my love for chips and not cookies (oops..hehe) and how much I am loving the island life. So it was all good in the end.
Rob's aunty and cousin were the ones holding the party and I felt that it was important for me to go, just to show them that I am comfortable enough to go and to let them get to know me a little bit better. Things like this are important and I know how important these relatives are to Rob, seeing as they are the only ones here on the island AND because he does love these ones very much. I was also invited along with my mom, so as to get her butt out on the social scene. But she must not be ready for that just yet. She should've gone because she may have met a few ladies that she could've gotten along with. But to be honest, the one that she would've liked the best would most likely be Rob's aunty anyway. So at least I know she didn't really miss out on a new friendship opportunity. I know that my mom will meet Aunty L. sooner or later.
I also felt like this was something I had to do... wanted to do because Rob's really important to me and I know he is really glad that I went and did this. The fact that he's not even here makes it an even bigger deal. It shows that he didn't have to kick my ass out the door in order for me to show up, because he's all the way across Canada.
I am doing much better than I thought I was doing, not having Rob here and dealing with Christmas. I've mentioned before that this is the best week for him to be away because it is the busiest week for me. My brother and sister will be arriving hopefully on the evening of the 23rd. I am very excited for their arrival because then it will truly feel like Christmas is here.
Rob mentioned to me tonight that we have one week apart and then he'll be home. I am glad that it's only one week but it also discouraged me. It feels like he's been gone for days..when really he left on... Sunday? It's almost like when you start a shift at work...and your two hours into it..and your co-worker says, "Wow you've only been here for two hours..you still have.. six more to go.." Ugghh, it's like.. Noooo I haven't checked the clock yet, and then after that you can't seem to keep your eyes off of it. That' s sorta how I felt tonight when he told me that. But that's okay.
He seems to be pleased with me from the stories he's been telling his family. This makes me happy, knowing that he's proud enough to talk about me lots to family and friends. It actually makes me REALLY, REALLY, REALLY happy.
Aunty L. called me sweetie and told me that she just loves me when I left tonight. There, the cookie party was worth it.. for that. I even stashed a present under their tree with a card to the whole family, even Nibs the dog.. and she didn't see it. So that will be a nice surprise for all of them. Plus! She loved me before the nice "fruits and passions" products that I bought them.. Hehe. I am so pleased that she Loves me and thinks I'm a sweetie. We even made plans to get together later in the week to do some..ahem (can't tell, Rob might read..) .. and drink some wine with a few girls. She said she'd love to join, so I'm gonna invite her no questions asked. She was only getting started tonight, but she looks like she could be a lot of fun.
Sooo, in conclusion, the night was great. I did this to meet new people, which I did. Get to know Rob's family better.. which I did. To get an assortment of cookies, which I did. AND to show Rob how much he means to me, which I think I did.
Check Check Check Check !!!!
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Legends Are Missed
Just an example of how cooky this one can get..
Missing You.
Today was the day that I took Rob to the airport and sent his tiny little bum back to his mama. I am sure she is quite thrilled, no, actually I know she is just overwhelmed with excitement with having her "golden boy" home. I am sure his sister is happy too, but is also rolling her eyes with all the attention that goes to golden boy when he returns. Believe me, there's a golden boy in my family and watch out... nobody messes with him according to mom.
I kind of lost my cool saying goodbye. But not only because I am a sappy wuss that is actually going to miss him but because of other reasons as well. First off, it was early.. so that means that I am tired, and that makes my mood... sad? Haha, okay okay I miss him because I really care about him. Secondly, this Christmas is going to be tough and I know that I have to face it all alone, even though my family is going to be here with me. My brother and sister don't arrive until Christmas Eve and leave on Boxing Day so... no offense to them..they're barely going to be here. For my third reason... I have my monthly encounter..which means I am Emotion Central, with every little thing making me tear up. So having my boyfriend go away for a tougher Christmas and have to worry about finding my way home in the dark, help with the tear flowage. And I think my main reason for being soooo sad is because part of me, a very stupid part of me in the back of my mind, thinks he will not come back. Even though I know he has to...all his stuff is here. But with the last one, he left me.. To be honest I think that wound is still a bit fresh and the situation is a bit similiar..but I know in my heart he'll return because he is nothing like the last. The idea just freaks me out a bit.
But enough about my sappy self, even though that is really all that is up lately. Christmas is here everybody, can you believe it? I can't. It crept up so quickly. It's only one week away and I still have just a little bit of shopping to do. And it's the most important because it's for Rob. We are doing our Christmas afterwards. Hello Boxing Day Sales! Though I'm not one for shopping on that particular day, but I might just have to make that sacrifice.
Here's to Christmas to come, cookies to burn for my cookie party coming and to staying positive this holiday time! WoopdeeWoo!
WoopdeeWoo? That one, I am not sure how to explain..it just came out. The legend..well that's a long story.. that only the golden boy knows how to truly tell..
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
On Top Of The Beauty Spot
Hiking is fun apparently? Wow, who am I?
Rob and I decided last Sunday or so to go for a hike. It was quite the work out for this ..untrained little body. Well, the sad thing was .. was that I had been swimming and running and was having a hard time breathing, while Rob is behind me..smoking as he's climbing up the mountain. He held his own embarrassingly well, compared to me. Haha, no we both did really great.
See we do these things together and I can't help but smile when I think back to it. I am proud in this relationship. I don't know if I've ever felt so proud in any relationship, well at least not this much. I am proud of who I am. My working up to feeling.. better about myself is helping as well. Rob isn't shy about telling me that I am doing well. Which is a great feeling. I enjoy him so much.
Last night we decorated the Christmas tree and he kept me focused on the task at hand. As well as the fact that I seem to automatically numb myself in these kinds of situations. Decorating the Christmas tree was always a big thing in our home. Kyli bought mom and Rudi ornaments that reminded her of them. Popeye, Big Bears ..etc. So naturally seeing all of these ornaments and knowing that Rob or I had to put them on and not Rudi, was tough. But I held on throughout it. .... until I returned to Rob's house. I snuck off to the bathroom when Rob was on the phone and BAWLED. Again.
But like I said, this guy is amazing and stepped up to the plate.. that was abandoned... and he took care of me. I love it when he does that. It makes me feel so much better. He holds me ... and holds me tight while my entire body vibrates with sorrow. I love that.
I know that I'll be okay without him this Christmas. I realize that it is going to be tough. But I think I can handle just about anything these days.. And No God, that is not a challenge..
Friday, December 09, 2005
A Tribute
I realize that I am a day late. But the important thing is that I still remembered the day of..
December 08, 1980 John Lennon was shot outside of his New York apartement by David Michael Chapman. Sad news, I am sure for most. I sure was sad about it even though John and I were never on this earth..at the same time..
Okay okay..I realise I sound nuts, but ... I really like him. I watched a lot of specials on John, and I was interested in the Beatles when I was younger. I will admit because I was copying everything the older siblings liked. But, not only did I like the Beatles, I found I had a special interest in John Lennon. He was just interesting.. he stuck out from the rest.
Of course he wasn't the typical lead singer in the sense that he wasn't the "cute one". McCartney was. Lennon was the ... different one. He was just an interesting person and I will continue to read about him and I am sure learn a whole lot more.
It is strange that a person has been dead for more than my very existence. I was thinking about that yesterday. How the hell can that even be imagined? I mean, everyone knows that the world was around before we were...but it's just a difficult thought to process.
Last night Rob, Alex and I paid a little tribute to Mr. Lennon.. We smoked in his respect and.. then later Rob and I listened to his cd laying in bed. I was skimming through some of his songs, because MAN Yoko sucks at singing...and he unfortunately has her in some of his songs. By the way, I refuse to even discuss my thoughts on her. I don't want to express them in this here..tribute. So yes, respect was granted for him yesterday, which I felt was important even if I am one little fan..
The guy is a legend again, Rob and I discussed this.. Was he a legend because he died? I personally think that being killed or dieing early on..is the best thing that could happen to a rock star's image. Sounds sick, but it's true. A person is so much more ... treasured, respected...once he is dead. And..in this society..we always want what we can't have.
The reason why I am so pleased with my fondness for Lennon, is the fact that not a lot of people LOVE Lennon. Well, at least not in my age group. Our age group's legend is Kurt Cobain, really. Which I don't know tons about..but am getting informed every other day .. by Rob. I am enlightening him on John. And I am getting to know Kurt a little better myself.
"Rob, this is my friend John. You may have heard of the band he was in.. He went solo though..you may have heard of some of his work.."
"Oh that's nice Haley. This is my friend Kurt. He invented grunge music..some people make a big fuss over him..."
If we were as cool as we thought...we'd be pretty fuckin' cool.
Monday, December 05, 2005
Spontaneous Johnson
Jack Johnson. He's good. His music is a head bobber, a toe tapper. He relaxes me when I listen to him. If ever feeling anxious, I suggest a good Johnson song to bring you up.
Life lately, is turning into routine, which is nice in a not so new place anymore.. Apparently I live here now. Hehe, I like saying that.
I'm living my own life now. Doing what I need to do, for me. Selfish? Not so much. I look forward to the future. I think my car troubles are going to fixed..after this winter! Then I will be able to take myself wherever I feel whenever I want..night or day.. I love the idea of that. Freedom, true freedom.
I am getting Sundays off now, which is BEAUTIFUL! I want to do more active things on Sundays. I went hiking with Rob yesterday, which I must say was challenging. For a guy that doesn't do anything, he's in fairly good shape. Considering I have been swimming and running for a month now, and he was doing just fine.. Bugger. Some guys are just lucky like that. I can carry him on my back..that's how small he is. Haha..I mean light. He's not scrawny though..which is plenty nice to look at.
After I do anything, like running or swimming, I feel so energized, in control of my body. I am at 140 lbs..and I want to be able to turn the fat .. into muscle..definition. I don't just want to feel good, I want people to see what I've been trying to do... Let them see my reward.
I look forward to my life.. because my future has never been so unknown before.. I have no idea where I'm going to be in one year.. No idea what friends I will have.. where I'll be working and living. I love that. Apparently I've turned a little spontaneous.
Spontaneity is good, just like Jack..
Life lately, is turning into routine, which is nice in a not so new place anymore.. Apparently I live here now. Hehe, I like saying that.
I'm living my own life now. Doing what I need to do, for me. Selfish? Not so much. I look forward to the future. I think my car troubles are going to fixed..after this winter! Then I will be able to take myself wherever I feel whenever I want..night or day.. I love the idea of that. Freedom, true freedom.
I am getting Sundays off now, which is BEAUTIFUL! I want to do more active things on Sundays. I went hiking with Rob yesterday, which I must say was challenging. For a guy that doesn't do anything, he's in fairly good shape. Considering I have been swimming and running for a month now, and he was doing just fine.. Bugger. Some guys are just lucky like that. I can carry him on my back..that's how small he is. Haha..I mean light. He's not scrawny though..which is plenty nice to look at.
After I do anything, like running or swimming, I feel so energized, in control of my body. I am at 140 lbs..and I want to be able to turn the fat .. into muscle..definition. I don't just want to feel good, I want people to see what I've been trying to do... Let them see my reward.
I look forward to my life.. because my future has never been so unknown before.. I have no idea where I'm going to be in one year.. No idea what friends I will have.. where I'll be working and living. I love that. Apparently I've turned a little spontaneous.
Spontaneity is good, just like Jack..
Monday, November 28, 2005
Babies All Grown Up
Katie BEAR!!!!
My best friend Katelyn, hehe is 19 today folks! The youngest of the girls. And there were about seven of us at one point.. She's our baby. She's finally legal all over Canada. Though it doesn't matter in Alberta with the drinking age at 18. But Katie you are finally old enough. Soon we'll be planning trips into the states and you STILL won't be old enough, hehe.
Katie has and will always be here for me... She has been there throughout some of the most horrible things that have happened in my life. When I felt like my entire world had ended, she would be there. Or she'd be the one to come over to my house to wake me up.. get me out of bed and take me to Fusion, anywhere... just to get me OUT. She would buy my mom flowers when she knew she was having a rough day. She is a really considerate and thoughtful person. She was the only person that I actually said goodbye to when I moved. She stopped by the old house with a case of beer for mom and a bottle of pink poison for me. She knew us well. She was there for it all. I can say that I've been there for her, but not for it ALL. I wish I could say I was..
So today is her day. The day to celebrate her life here. For her being here and for her to live onto to continue to do great things for other people because that is what Katie does. She lives to cheer us up, she breathes to make her mama smile and to be her dad's company. She is here to make others happy and we are so greatful to her. I love this girl. She is why I am so strong. She is an example to me ... to not be a victim, but a survivor. We've all had our share of rough experiences and Katie doesn't milk that shit.
I am so happy for my girl because she is finally happy. She is proud of her life and I am too. This is a great person everyone..
Happy Day My Girl. I love you!
My best friend Katelyn, hehe is 19 today folks! The youngest of the girls. And there were about seven of us at one point.. She's our baby. She's finally legal all over Canada. Though it doesn't matter in Alberta with the drinking age at 18. But Katie you are finally old enough. Soon we'll be planning trips into the states and you STILL won't be old enough, hehe.
Katie has and will always be here for me... She has been there throughout some of the most horrible things that have happened in my life. When I felt like my entire world had ended, she would be there. Or she'd be the one to come over to my house to wake me up.. get me out of bed and take me to Fusion, anywhere... just to get me OUT. She would buy my mom flowers when she knew she was having a rough day. She is a really considerate and thoughtful person. She was the only person that I actually said goodbye to when I moved. She stopped by the old house with a case of beer for mom and a bottle of pink poison for me. She knew us well. She was there for it all. I can say that I've been there for her, but not for it ALL. I wish I could say I was..
So today is her day. The day to celebrate her life here. For her being here and for her to live onto to continue to do great things for other people because that is what Katie does. She lives to cheer us up, she breathes to make her mama smile and to be her dad's company. She is here to make others happy and we are so greatful to her. I love this girl. She is why I am so strong. She is an example to me ... to not be a victim, but a survivor. We've all had our share of rough experiences and Katie doesn't milk that shit.
I am so happy for my girl because she is finally happy. She is proud of her life and I am too. This is a great person everyone..
Happy Day My Girl. I love you!
The Days of Katie
Saturday, November 26, 2005
My Christmas Baggage
November 26th... a month from today it'll be over. Christmas time will be nearing the end. I think we'll all feel relief instead of disappointment that it's already over.
Christmas has always been such a big deal in my life. I don't think I have ever been a grown up during Christmas time. Every year, being the youngest in the family I had the right and responsiblity to wake everyone up early. I made my mom get up in the middle of the night and put the presents out, so that it looked like Santa had come while we were asleep. I am not joking around people, I am a child at Christmas. Kyli would usually follow me but never was she first to have to wake me up. Lincoln will always be the last to trapes his ass out of his bed like we were punishing him. How can anyone be bitchy on CHRISTMAS? How is that even possible? Haha, see... a child.
But this year I fear that I just might not be the same little kid I've been for the last nineteen Christmas' before. First of all, we'll be here... in the boonies. The good thing is that Kyli, Lincoln and Joe will all be here. Lincoln's girlfriend, Jess will be with her family as will Rob. Maybe this is a good thing, seeing as Linc and I can tag along together and no one can feel left out. Second, mom isn't going to be very lively and I can understand that completely. But it might be a bit of a chore to keep her spirits lifted which could be discouraging. Traditons are a big thing with me and I'm pretty sure all the basic traditions we've had are all broken this year. Along with most of our Christmas spirits. But I am going to make an effort to keep myself happy. There won't be snow which isn't a bad thing, just different for me. What's Christmas without of f***in' snow? (I am Albertan, so it's going to take some time for me to adjust) Mom said since we're... 26,25 and 20.. that Christmas isn't going to be very big this year. And yes she's said that every year, but I know that this year... since her youngest is 20.. it is going to be like that exactly... small. Because I am a child, this disappoints me. Oh well. I am really big on the "at least we're all together for Christmas.." Because this is the first year where this is a very important detail.
Mr. Rob Junkala himself is going to be absent for our first Christmas.. which technically isn't our first..it is our... it ISN'T our first Christmas apart...haha, so far they all have been apart...but this is our first Christmas knowing each other...apart! WHAT? I am all messed up now. But I'm sure the idea is figured out.. I am happy that he is going home. He needs to. He needs to see his friends and his family. His house. This is a big thing. He "needs to party in his old house for the very last time." Cute. He took me to Hinton to get my shit all figured out.. the things I forgot about.. So this is his chance to do the same. Go home, see everyone he misses and do all of the things he misses, and bring his things back that he forgot about.. etc. I am also happy that he is going home because his family needs him. He needs to complete their Christmas by being there. Hey, I can certainly understand that.
Soooooooooo Christmas is coming. I'm not as freaked out about it as I was... up until I wrote this little blog.
Bring it on Santa.. I'm fuckin' ready.
Christmas has always been such a big deal in my life. I don't think I have ever been a grown up during Christmas time. Every year, being the youngest in the family I had the right and responsiblity to wake everyone up early. I made my mom get up in the middle of the night and put the presents out, so that it looked like Santa had come while we were asleep. I am not joking around people, I am a child at Christmas. Kyli would usually follow me but never was she first to have to wake me up. Lincoln will always be the last to trapes his ass out of his bed like we were punishing him. How can anyone be bitchy on CHRISTMAS? How is that even possible? Haha, see... a child.
But this year I fear that I just might not be the same little kid I've been for the last nineteen Christmas' before. First of all, we'll be here... in the boonies. The good thing is that Kyli, Lincoln and Joe will all be here. Lincoln's girlfriend, Jess will be with her family as will Rob. Maybe this is a good thing, seeing as Linc and I can tag along together and no one can feel left out. Second, mom isn't going to be very lively and I can understand that completely. But it might be a bit of a chore to keep her spirits lifted which could be discouraging. Traditons are a big thing with me and I'm pretty sure all the basic traditions we've had are all broken this year. Along with most of our Christmas spirits. But I am going to make an effort to keep myself happy. There won't be snow which isn't a bad thing, just different for me. What's Christmas without of f***in' snow? (I am Albertan, so it's going to take some time for me to adjust) Mom said since we're... 26,25 and 20.. that Christmas isn't going to be very big this year. And yes she's said that every year, but I know that this year... since her youngest is 20.. it is going to be like that exactly... small. Because I am a child, this disappoints me. Oh well. I am really big on the "at least we're all together for Christmas.." Because this is the first year where this is a very important detail.
Mr. Rob Junkala himself is going to be absent for our first Christmas.. which technically isn't our first..it is our... it ISN'T our first Christmas apart...haha, so far they all have been apart...but this is our first Christmas knowing each other...apart! WHAT? I am all messed up now. But I'm sure the idea is figured out.. I am happy that he is going home. He needs to. He needs to see his friends and his family. His house. This is a big thing. He "needs to party in his old house for the very last time." Cute. He took me to Hinton to get my shit all figured out.. the things I forgot about.. So this is his chance to do the same. Go home, see everyone he misses and do all of the things he misses, and bring his things back that he forgot about.. etc. I am also happy that he is going home because his family needs him. He needs to complete their Christmas by being there. Hey, I can certainly understand that.
Soooooooooo Christmas is coming. I'm not as freaked out about it as I was... up until I wrote this little blog.
Bring it on Santa.. I'm fuckin' ready.
Monday, November 21, 2005
Right On
Days off are nice. Nice for me to get some alone time. Time to think and most importantly, time to SLEEP IN.
Rob left for work early and I was pouting like a child. I didn't want him to go but also because I had some really stupid dreams. I dreamt that I was back with Paul. I was thinking to myself, as Paul is talking to me.." what about Rob...?" Paul said something like.." man it was so sweet...etc" I was thinking, in my dream.. "Rob would've said.. 'it was so deadly'..
Just those little things that make someone so individual. They're even apparent in my dreams. I was upset when I woke up, thinking that I was with him again, but instantly realizing that I was right where I wanted to be. I like those dreams, where you wake up, and feel better knowing that your life is what you want it to be..
The idea of love, what is that? I refuse to muddle up my relationship with that word right away. I only say this because I have done that so many times when in fact I didn't mean it. This time around, I want it to be real... I want to know for a fact that I am in love, before I go saying it. Lately, I have been getting these really strong feelings, and I haven't been ignoring them..maybe just setting them off to the side. I am not sure if we're ready for.. that word just yet. I will be honest though, this feeling is overwhelming and I am not really sure how to describe it..
Loving someone does frighten me I think. It makes me vulnerable and naiive. I refuse to be naiive again. I think that is because each time that I have been "in love" I have lost my identity. Especially with my first love, I just dove in head first..not looking to see where I'd land, not thinking about anything but him. For the time it had been nice, but now knowing how stupid I had been in that entire relationship, I won't do that again. Love is scary to think about, when you're not in it. But once you're lost in it, nothing else seems to really matter... That's the part that frightens me the most. Fearing love?.. is this healthy?
My mom said when she first met Rudi she knew that she would marry him. She also said the same for my dad. I can't say that I have felt that sudden urge when first meeting him. Being honest, because this blog is for me to write my inner feelings in, even though I know people read it... I will continue to be honest, fully aware that it is going to be known and this is okay as long as I can be honest with myself..
My feelings for Rob are right. We are really right for eachother. We do have fun and I think that he is going to be someone I will love one day. It's too soon to say that I do.. It's too soon to know in my eyes that we will be together forever, and also VERY naiive to say that as well. But things feel right and comfortable. I love being comfortable and I feel tremendously secure around him.
I needed to get that all out. I needed to write it out because it was KILLING me keeping that all in. Things feel right in my life and I will continue to live it the way that I have been in order to keep this feeling..
Rob left for work early and I was pouting like a child. I didn't want him to go but also because I had some really stupid dreams. I dreamt that I was back with Paul. I was thinking to myself, as Paul is talking to me.." what about Rob...?" Paul said something like.." man it was so sweet...etc" I was thinking, in my dream.. "Rob would've said.. 'it was so deadly'..
Just those little things that make someone so individual. They're even apparent in my dreams. I was upset when I woke up, thinking that I was with him again, but instantly realizing that I was right where I wanted to be. I like those dreams, where you wake up, and feel better knowing that your life is what you want it to be..
The idea of love, what is that? I refuse to muddle up my relationship with that word right away. I only say this because I have done that so many times when in fact I didn't mean it. This time around, I want it to be real... I want to know for a fact that I am in love, before I go saying it. Lately, I have been getting these really strong feelings, and I haven't been ignoring them..maybe just setting them off to the side. I am not sure if we're ready for.. that word just yet. I will be honest though, this feeling is overwhelming and I am not really sure how to describe it..
Loving someone does frighten me I think. It makes me vulnerable and naiive. I refuse to be naiive again. I think that is because each time that I have been "in love" I have lost my identity. Especially with my first love, I just dove in head first..not looking to see where I'd land, not thinking about anything but him. For the time it had been nice, but now knowing how stupid I had been in that entire relationship, I won't do that again. Love is scary to think about, when you're not in it. But once you're lost in it, nothing else seems to really matter... That's the part that frightens me the most. Fearing love?.. is this healthy?
My mom said when she first met Rudi she knew that she would marry him. She also said the same for my dad. I can't say that I have felt that sudden urge when first meeting him. Being honest, because this blog is for me to write my inner feelings in, even though I know people read it... I will continue to be honest, fully aware that it is going to be known and this is okay as long as I can be honest with myself..
My feelings for Rob are right. We are really right for eachother. We do have fun and I think that he is going to be someone I will love one day. It's too soon to say that I do.. It's too soon to know in my eyes that we will be together forever, and also VERY naiive to say that as well. But things feel right and comfortable. I love being comfortable and I feel tremendously secure around him.
I needed to get that all out. I needed to write it out because it was KILLING me keeping that all in. Things feel right in my life and I will continue to live it the way that I have been in order to keep this feeling..
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Flippin' Fun
Rob and I have so much fun together. This is a perfect example of this... About an hour prior to this picture, Rob asked me to walk towards him... so I do this..and he flips me.. like a crazy man over his head onto my back, onto his bed. I screamed so loud! So this time around, I was somewhat prepared. My cousin Alex was the one taking the picture, preparing for the action shot.
There is the result.. My hair is flying in the air.. It's not like he was gentle when flinging my body through the air over his shoulder. Too funny.My point of this post is to admit that having the right person in one's life is just the medicine. Ever since meeting Rob things have become a hundred times more interesting that's for sure. He's quite the character and a lot of fun to be around.. As you can see... from the pictures again..
It's really nice being around someone so supportive of what I am going through. Supportive is a really great way to explain what Rob is like. He just supports me, and tells me when he's proud of me.. which seems like a lot.. and that is so rewarding to hear. "I'm proud of you."
We just have a lot of fun together. Like when we think of things to do..when we're bored, we go to the pub and play pool together, or a game of darts. I have never been like this before in a relationship. I don't know if I was lazy, but I was never willing to do those kinds of things. But now I really enjoy it. He even mentioned how cool it was to be having a beer with his girlfriend at the pub and playing darts. I agree. We definetly are a cool couple. And when something bothers one of us, we just tell each other.. and the problem..as teeny as that may be, is resolved..and noted. I don't know, we're doing well. And I couldn't be happier with everything.
It's really nice to have found him so soon, after I moved here. I think we really needed each other. Now at least we can say we have one good friend here in B.C. (though we both have a couple of good ones..)
I'm proud to say that I am dating Rob and I hope that he is pleased with his new girl too.
Monday, November 14, 2005
My Crazy Logic
Rob and my MountainsMe and my mountains, on the way home...
A few pictures to show how beautiful where I grew up really is..
Like I mentioned in posts from before, Rudi is living and breathing through those mountains, and I truly felt that when we were passing through this time around.
The other night I was watching some home videos with Rob. Of course I knew that a lot of them would have Rudi on them and they did. I was really doing just fine, until the very last part of the very last video we decided to watch.. Mom had the video camera on Rudi and she was closing up the night.. saying Merry Christmas and telling Rudi to relax now that he was finished making the turkey dinner etc.. Then she said, "okay Rudi say goodbye.." And he's sitting in his chair (also on another post..) and he looks at the camera.. and casually waves and says "goodbye.." Oh my goodness. The effect that something so simple.. had on me was unbelievable. I lost my mind. I started crying and crying.. and I just couldn't stop.
I realized at that exact moment.. that I was going about this the wrong way. I was avoiding the fact that he was gone in my head. I was ignoring my memories of him and trying to put him on the back burner in my brain. Well this now I realize isn't very healthy. I miss him and I am really sad. I miss him so hard that it hurts. I miss him so much that as I write this the tears are forming in my eyes as I type. I can't avoid him anymore. I can't ignore him anymore. I have to just grieve I guess. No matter how miserable that makes everyone else around me, I guess this is what I have to do. And I really don't want to. I hate being sad and I HATE HATE HATE crying. I just think it's a waste of time and why should I let people see me cry, that's what they want isn't it... 'Haley's gonna crack sometime, she's been much to strong..' 'It's unhealthy that Haley hasn't broken down yet..' and the comments go on and on. No one has said this to me personally, but I know what people are thinking. (family members..)
I feel like they are just waiting for me to fall apart now and I don't want to. I don't want to be like everyone else and be miserable and difficult to be around. The only person that I truly feel comfortable enough around crying is Rob. This is because he didn't know Rudi and this way he feels badly for us because we lost our dad, mom's husband, etc. But he doesn't miss Rudi he just wishes he met him. This way I don't feel guilty about crying infront of him, even if it makes him sad... He can afford to be sad for me, whereas my family can't because they have to be sad for themselves first. Yeah, that's my crazy logic.. I wonder if it makes any sense ...?
So that's that. I'm sad. And yeah, it's totally okay to be sad. I have never felt this sad for a long time though. This is definetly a different kind of feeling than any other experienced so far since the ... death. (How do word something so sad, and tragic...? )
The videos are so hard to watch..not only because we see Rudi again. But because it reminds us of how happy he made all of us. How much of a light he was in our days.. how he made us all laugh all the time. He was a big part of our lives and I forgot that. I forgot what it was like to have Rudi around. He's never been here, in this house, on the island... I don't remember seeing him walk through the front door like I did in Hinton. Maybe that's why it's better we live here..maybe not.
I need to find a way to deal with this pain and I am having a difficult time figuring out how.. I'm sure it will come to me. He wouldn't just leave me hangin' like this would he..
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Home Girl
I realized that home isn't Hinton. Up until this trip I thought that's what it was. The song, by Micheal Buble "Home" came on when I first moved here and it made me sad. Tonight I had a shower and heard it again but this time I felt great about the song. Hinton was just a place that I grew up in. Home is where family is. It's my brother, my sister, my mom and Rudi.
I realized that longing for home is something I will forever have to do. Home is where all our memories are made. I know that I still have the rest of my family to share new experiences with and I do look forward to them. But there will always be something missing in our home. Even when we start families of our own.. there will always be a piece missing... someone to miss. I realize now that that's okay. Home is where we all are when we're together...no matter where that might be. To me now, that is home..
Hard to concentrate right now on writing a blog.. So I leave you all with that little bit about what I believe to be home.. Hope it makes you all think.
I realized that longing for home is something I will forever have to do. Home is where all our memories are made. I know that I still have the rest of my family to share new experiences with and I do look forward to them. But there will always be something missing in our home. Even when we start families of our own.. there will always be a piece missing... someone to miss. I realize now that that's okay. Home is where we all are when we're together...no matter where that might be. To me now, that is home..
Hard to concentrate right now on writing a blog.. So I leave you all with that little bit about what I believe to be home.. Hope it makes you all think.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
My Trip
My Baby- notice the jersey...
Us Girls- Katie, Me, Carmelle
Us Girls- Katie, Me, Carmelle
Katie and Eric
Grandma and Grandpa and Lil' Ol' Me
Closure In So Many Ways
Wow.
Okay I went back to my home town Hinton, Alberta this weekend. There was one main reason when Rob and I set out on Friday night; to get my things from Paul.
But I realized that going back was meant to happen for a number of reasons.
First off, I realize how much more amazing this guy is. Rob has done so much for me already. But taking me back to where I used to live, over ten hours away one weekend to pick my things up from my ex boyfriend was huge. For Rob to have to see my ex and to have to see me see my ex for the first time... was a big deal. But he is mature enough to do this for me, jealous free and with so much thought. He wanted to make sure I was happy the entire time. He kept saying, "are you happy.. Is there anything else you want to do before we leave, anything at all, I'll do it for you.."
This guy is so great and I am so proud that he did all of this for me.
I needed to go and get my mom's things from Paul. He was supposed to bring them when he came for his things. But Paul is such a procrastinater that we all knew this wasn't going to happen any time soon. So by us going, we got what we wanted and we were nice and decided to bring a few items for Paul. I brought him his guitar and some winter clothes, etc. But not everything because he can come for it himself. I stand firmly on that one. And I will not back down. My mom wanted to get her lawn mower and I really wanted us to have our Christmas tree in time for Christmas. It's bad enough mom wants to skip Christmas altogether but this way, now we have our tree back, so she can't.
Seeing Paul was different. He looked different. Rob described it as, "shameful". He looked like a puppy that just got into trouble... It was difficult to look at him. I remember we did the guitar exchange... I said, "here's your life back.." and as I said that he was saying, "my life!" So I am glad that we brought something for him. This way, we end up looking good. The exchange of things went well. I know Paul's girlfriend so she came up to me and gave me quite a hug. She was good about it. Kristen, Paul's sister was kind of sad..and My baby, Drake was asleep in his car seat. I was disapointed because I wanted to see him so badly. But Kristen later phoned me back and invited Rob and I out for breakfast with just her and Drake. YAH! So I did get to see my baby and he is great! I am going to post pictures of him later today or tomorrow. I am like a proud mother when it comes to this little guy.
Leaving the driveway, was my way of leaving Paul. Leaving Hinton was like leaving Paul, for good. And it felt bittersweet. Not because I want him back, but because we had something there in Hinton, but that's it. We have nothing anymore and it feels refreshing.
I saw his parents at L&W Restaurant by crazy chance. I couldn't believe it. I went up to them and they looked shocked but they both hugged me. Denise looked like I felt; tearful. But again, seeing the two of them made me feel really great about myself and my new situation. They were very pleased to hear that I have a new boyfriend. They truly are great people. For them to be able to be happy for me, is a beautiful thing. The visit was wonderful and short lived like the entire trip, which was also perfect.
I visited Rudi's mom and dad, my grand parents. They were excited and very shocked to see me. We took pictures and I really don't think I've ever felt so welcome. I think that my presence was like a piece of Rudi. They miss him and by seeing me, it was like having a bit of him there. They had their arms all around me in the picture which I will be sure to post. I just felt so great leaving their house, with Rob. They told him to take care of me, and hoped to see him again. (haha, grandparents are so funny because they're so literal.)
My girl Katie is looking absolutely fantastic. I couldn't be happier with what I saw of her this weekend. She looks great. Not only does she look hot as hell, she is genuinely happy and well I think her new guy, Eric has a lot to do with that. It was really nice to be back at the Bouchard's as well. Thank you Wendy for having us!! We really appreciated it!! Seeing Carmelle again was like old times. Not a lot has changed there in Hinton.
As we drove towards Jasper, I had a hard time. There are so many memories along that drive of Rudi and our family hikes. Rob stopped a few times for me to take pictures of the mountains.. It was tough leaving that behind because it was like a lot of Rudi is still there because I can honestly say that that is Rudi's favourite place in the whole world still to this day. He loved nature and his mountains. Rudi's spirit is clearly there as we drove through. Rob and I played on Rudi's pool table at Master's. We asked some guys if they wouldn't mind letting me play on his table and I showed them the plaque, and explained that he was my dad and I needed to play on it. So I did get a lot of the things I wanted to get done. Rudi was a bit of a "smoker" of the greens and well, I got to smoke a little myself in his old chair... won't get into detail, but it was special..
Hinton. The town itself is the same. Not only is it blah there, but it's also freakin' freezing. The temperature change is so drastic. My lips are so dry still. The weather in Alberta is gross and I am so glad that we returned to our little island last night.
As we were gliding over sheer ice on the Coquihala Highway, I said, "we're not on our little island anymore..." It's so apparent once we leave. I swear, Vancouver Island is Canada's best kept secret. I am proud to be living here and I am not looking back..
Okay I went back to my home town Hinton, Alberta this weekend. There was one main reason when Rob and I set out on Friday night; to get my things from Paul.
But I realized that going back was meant to happen for a number of reasons.
First off, I realize how much more amazing this guy is. Rob has done so much for me already. But taking me back to where I used to live, over ten hours away one weekend to pick my things up from my ex boyfriend was huge. For Rob to have to see my ex and to have to see me see my ex for the first time... was a big deal. But he is mature enough to do this for me, jealous free and with so much thought. He wanted to make sure I was happy the entire time. He kept saying, "are you happy.. Is there anything else you want to do before we leave, anything at all, I'll do it for you.."
This guy is so great and I am so proud that he did all of this for me.
I needed to go and get my mom's things from Paul. He was supposed to bring them when he came for his things. But Paul is such a procrastinater that we all knew this wasn't going to happen any time soon. So by us going, we got what we wanted and we were nice and decided to bring a few items for Paul. I brought him his guitar and some winter clothes, etc. But not everything because he can come for it himself. I stand firmly on that one. And I will not back down. My mom wanted to get her lawn mower and I really wanted us to have our Christmas tree in time for Christmas. It's bad enough mom wants to skip Christmas altogether but this way, now we have our tree back, so she can't.
Seeing Paul was different. He looked different. Rob described it as, "shameful". He looked like a puppy that just got into trouble... It was difficult to look at him. I remember we did the guitar exchange... I said, "here's your life back.." and as I said that he was saying, "my life!" So I am glad that we brought something for him. This way, we end up looking good. The exchange of things went well. I know Paul's girlfriend so she came up to me and gave me quite a hug. She was good about it. Kristen, Paul's sister was kind of sad..and My baby, Drake was asleep in his car seat. I was disapointed because I wanted to see him so badly. But Kristen later phoned me back and invited Rob and I out for breakfast with just her and Drake. YAH! So I did get to see my baby and he is great! I am going to post pictures of him later today or tomorrow. I am like a proud mother when it comes to this little guy.
Leaving the driveway, was my way of leaving Paul. Leaving Hinton was like leaving Paul, for good. And it felt bittersweet. Not because I want him back, but because we had something there in Hinton, but that's it. We have nothing anymore and it feels refreshing.
I saw his parents at L&W Restaurant by crazy chance. I couldn't believe it. I went up to them and they looked shocked but they both hugged me. Denise looked like I felt; tearful. But again, seeing the two of them made me feel really great about myself and my new situation. They were very pleased to hear that I have a new boyfriend. They truly are great people. For them to be able to be happy for me, is a beautiful thing. The visit was wonderful and short lived like the entire trip, which was also perfect.
I visited Rudi's mom and dad, my grand parents. They were excited and very shocked to see me. We took pictures and I really don't think I've ever felt so welcome. I think that my presence was like a piece of Rudi. They miss him and by seeing me, it was like having a bit of him there. They had their arms all around me in the picture which I will be sure to post. I just felt so great leaving their house, with Rob. They told him to take care of me, and hoped to see him again. (haha, grandparents are so funny because they're so literal.)
My girl Katie is looking absolutely fantastic. I couldn't be happier with what I saw of her this weekend. She looks great. Not only does she look hot as hell, she is genuinely happy and well I think her new guy, Eric has a lot to do with that. It was really nice to be back at the Bouchard's as well. Thank you Wendy for having us!! We really appreciated it!! Seeing Carmelle again was like old times. Not a lot has changed there in Hinton.
As we drove towards Jasper, I had a hard time. There are so many memories along that drive of Rudi and our family hikes. Rob stopped a few times for me to take pictures of the mountains.. It was tough leaving that behind because it was like a lot of Rudi is still there because I can honestly say that that is Rudi's favourite place in the whole world still to this day. He loved nature and his mountains. Rudi's spirit is clearly there as we drove through. Rob and I played on Rudi's pool table at Master's. We asked some guys if they wouldn't mind letting me play on his table and I showed them the plaque, and explained that he was my dad and I needed to play on it. So I did get a lot of the things I wanted to get done. Rudi was a bit of a "smoker" of the greens and well, I got to smoke a little myself in his old chair... won't get into detail, but it was special..
Hinton. The town itself is the same. Not only is it blah there, but it's also freakin' freezing. The temperature change is so drastic. My lips are so dry still. The weather in Alberta is gross and I am so glad that we returned to our little island last night.
As we were gliding over sheer ice on the Coquihala Highway, I said, "we're not on our little island anymore..." It's so apparent once we leave. I swear, Vancouver Island is Canada's best kept secret. I am proud to be living here and I am not looking back..
Thursday, November 03, 2005
New Me
Pain is just weakness leaving the body.
This is a saying that my friend told me about today. I was talking about how I have to keep myself modivated to run everyday. He shared this quote with me. I like it.
Today I ran for my sixth day, unfortunately not consecutively. But it felt really great to do it. The first day was killer but, I ran on and off. But today I ran the entire way only walking twice for a short time. I can't explain how amazing it made me feel when I got home. I was energetic and enthusiastic. I was very out of breath and sweating more out of anything. But it didn't last long. Like the first day I ran I was out of breath for a considerably long time. It just feels so great to know that it is actually working!
Running makes me feel so great. I think if anyone has the time to do this they should really consider it. Rudi started body building in his early twenties and didn't stop until months before his death, at age fifty five. I now understand why he did it. Well not completely because I haven't any physical results yet. Today I succeeded in running the entire way and I can't even begin to explain how proud I feel that I did it.
I kept thinking that I should keep my mind off the running altogether. If I think about it I remind myself that I am tired and want to stop running and start walking. But the entire way I kept my mind going on anything and everything. My entire life was flashing before my eyes, because I was making it in order to keep myself going. On the way back I kept on thinking about how tired I was. I thought about how great I am going to feel and look this coming summer. I'm going to be tanned because I live near the ocean and I plan on going to the beach everyday. I will have a flat stomach, great, muscular legs and long dark hair. ( growing my hair long and dying dark brown). I really look forward to the summer because *Rob and I are going to go to Tofino and I am going to try out surfing for the first time. I think I will really enjoy it and I know that he does. We'll be surfing, and looking and feeling GREAT!
I love that my life is turning around and that I am a new me. I am really serious about the exercising. When I can't run out here. I will go lane swimming with my aunty at the pool which is right across the way from *Rob's house. I am just really looking forward to looking better and not only that, but feeling better about myself as an end result. Exercise is very rewarding and I am excited about the new me that is sneaking into my new life.
This is a saying that my friend told me about today. I was talking about how I have to keep myself modivated to run everyday. He shared this quote with me. I like it.
Today I ran for my sixth day, unfortunately not consecutively. But it felt really great to do it. The first day was killer but, I ran on and off. But today I ran the entire way only walking twice for a short time. I can't explain how amazing it made me feel when I got home. I was energetic and enthusiastic. I was very out of breath and sweating more out of anything. But it didn't last long. Like the first day I ran I was out of breath for a considerably long time. It just feels so great to know that it is actually working!
Running makes me feel so great. I think if anyone has the time to do this they should really consider it. Rudi started body building in his early twenties and didn't stop until months before his death, at age fifty five. I now understand why he did it. Well not completely because I haven't any physical results yet. Today I succeeded in running the entire way and I can't even begin to explain how proud I feel that I did it.
I kept thinking that I should keep my mind off the running altogether. If I think about it I remind myself that I am tired and want to stop running and start walking. But the entire way I kept my mind going on anything and everything. My entire life was flashing before my eyes, because I was making it in order to keep myself going. On the way back I kept on thinking about how tired I was. I thought about how great I am going to feel and look this coming summer. I'm going to be tanned because I live near the ocean and I plan on going to the beach everyday. I will have a flat stomach, great, muscular legs and long dark hair. ( growing my hair long and dying dark brown). I really look forward to the summer because *Rob and I are going to go to Tofino and I am going to try out surfing for the first time. I think I will really enjoy it and I know that he does. We'll be surfing, and looking and feeling GREAT!
I love that my life is turning around and that I am a new me. I am really serious about the exercising. When I can't run out here. I will go lane swimming with my aunty at the pool which is right across the way from *Rob's house. I am just really looking forward to looking better and not only that, but feeling better about myself as an end result. Exercise is very rewarding and I am excited about the new me that is sneaking into my new life.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Joe Struck
Home.
I am home from being away for almost more than a week. I have not stayed home for what seems like forever. I have just been staying at *his house because we have been spending a lot of time together. I like being home but only for so long and then I get anxious to get back into Qualicum again. I guess I feel like I'm somewhat missing out on "life" .... when I'm out here in Errington. Maybe I should look into what that means, or not. Once I get back into Qualicum I don't have to do anything, but just being there is enough for me. Weird huh..
I can't really explain yet where I am going this weekend, but it is far... and it is damn well worth it. It is mom and Rudi's anniversary. 18 years they would've been married.. Once a person dies, I guess that means that the couple is no longer married. ' Til death do us part...?' Kyli and Joe are coming to stay with her this weekend so that she is not alone. I am releived to hear that. I knew that my timing was bad but I really need to go this weekend or it just won't work out. ( I'll explain after I return where I went and why..)
Kyli is a great person, always very considerate. But I know that Joe is behind this visit. When Rudi was dieing he really surprised me with his mature actions. He really pulled through for the family. And he really loved Rudi and I had never realized this before. Never. I am glad now that Rudi ended up giving Joe his beautiful guitar and not Paul. Not for obvious reasons either. Joe really deserved it just for the way he was about Rudi. He was just so good to him. It was almost like watching a grown man with a baby girl in his arms... the precious way that a man looks with a child in his arms..and you can see how taken back that man is to such a sweet little person. Well of course Rudi didn't resemble a baby girl, but the way that Joe handled him and talked to him, was just touching.
Joe and I have this fake Love-Hate relationship. I say it's fake because there is no hate in it at all. We poke fun at each other all the time. After partying in Vic that night I was running around without pants. ( I do not wear pants to bed..everyone who knows me, knows this..and has to deal with my pant less self at night.) Well he wound up so hard and smacked me right in the ass. My goodness it hurt, but I couldn't feel, with how drunk I was. But it's stuff like that. Next time I'll pull his chest hair really hard when I get a chance.. We get each other back. It makes for a more interesting visit. As well as entertaining for everyone else.
So I guess I can say that I dedicate this blog to someone I know will "make it" in the family.. To my one day brother in law, Joe Stewart. The hairiest bastard I know.
I am home from being away for almost more than a week. I have not stayed home for what seems like forever. I have just been staying at *his house because we have been spending a lot of time together. I like being home but only for so long and then I get anxious to get back into Qualicum again. I guess I feel like I'm somewhat missing out on "life" .... when I'm out here in Errington. Maybe I should look into what that means, or not. Once I get back into Qualicum I don't have to do anything, but just being there is enough for me. Weird huh..
I can't really explain yet where I am going this weekend, but it is far... and it is damn well worth it. It is mom and Rudi's anniversary. 18 years they would've been married.. Once a person dies, I guess that means that the couple is no longer married. ' Til death do us part...?' Kyli and Joe are coming to stay with her this weekend so that she is not alone. I am releived to hear that. I knew that my timing was bad but I really need to go this weekend or it just won't work out. ( I'll explain after I return where I went and why..)
Kyli is a great person, always very considerate. But I know that Joe is behind this visit. When Rudi was dieing he really surprised me with his mature actions. He really pulled through for the family. And he really loved Rudi and I had never realized this before. Never. I am glad now that Rudi ended up giving Joe his beautiful guitar and not Paul. Not for obvious reasons either. Joe really deserved it just for the way he was about Rudi. He was just so good to him. It was almost like watching a grown man with a baby girl in his arms... the precious way that a man looks with a child in his arms..and you can see how taken back that man is to such a sweet little person. Well of course Rudi didn't resemble a baby girl, but the way that Joe handled him and talked to him, was just touching.
Joe and I have this fake Love-Hate relationship. I say it's fake because there is no hate in it at all. We poke fun at each other all the time. After partying in Vic that night I was running around without pants. ( I do not wear pants to bed..everyone who knows me, knows this..and has to deal with my pant less self at night.) Well he wound up so hard and smacked me right in the ass. My goodness it hurt, but I couldn't feel, with how drunk I was. But it's stuff like that. Next time I'll pull his chest hair really hard when I get a chance.. We get each other back. It makes for a more interesting visit. As well as entertaining for everyone else.
So I guess I can say that I dedicate this blog to someone I know will "make it" in the family.. To my one day brother in law, Joe Stewart. The hairiest bastard I know.
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