Sunday, January 20, 2008
I neglect to write... although I have the time to do so. I just choose not to. I'm not hiding. But I do feel like I need to put more of an effort into my writing. It's what I've always wanted to do. But something has been holding me back. I have a sneaking suspicion it's me. My insecurities, my lack in effort.
I find that in the last little while I've lost interest in doing a lot of things. I am not depressed, no. Today for example it was a beautiful January day. We woke late and I made a nice breakfast. After the dishes were dealt with I was thinking that a walk outside or a stroll through Cathedral Grove for some pictures would be pleasant. Rob had to stop at a music store first and we waited in front of a "Back in 5 Minutes" sign and all I wanted was to get back in the truck where it was comfortable and warm. My intentions are always good. Yet I never seem to follow through with my ideas. I don't like to be cold or uncomfortable. Call me picky.. I know I'm better in the warmer months. I do like to be outside when the weather is better. But I wish that I could be more like people that bundle themselves up to go for a day long hiking trip.
Another part of me just thinks... I am lost. I don't know who I am. Or... I do know who I am and for some reason it isn't good enough for my personal standards. Or.. I'm not trying hard enough to be a better person. What I do know is that I'm confused. I am quite content with staying in doors reading a favourite book. I'm even more content with having a bottle of wine with a friend in the comfort of a home on the weekend. By friend I mean sister or cousin. I don't have too many friends out here still. Again I think that has to do with my lack in effort.
My days have been filled with work and later on - spending time with Rob watching our favourite t.v shows. We sound 80.. But it's what we like to do during the winter months. We kind of hibernate on the weekdays. On weekends we either have my sister and her fiance' over... or we go to Victoria and visit them. On more rare occasions we spend time with my cousin and her fiance'. But really- that has been enough these days.
I've been reading more than ever lately. I probably go through three or four books in a month. We just bought a sturdy, handsome book case. I'm really proud of it. I've always wanted one for all of my treasured books. Each time I finish a book, I put it back in it's proper place and study the rest of the shelves for a new story. Rob and I went to a used bookstore that we discovered beside the music store today. I bought three books and we were rewarded with two more for free. It was fun looking at old books and it's something that I'd like to do again. That actually got me excited. I feel limited with things that I like to do. So this was one more thing to add to the list.
I haven't been up to too much. But I'm okay with that. Winter will be over soon and the months leading up to summer time will be very busy. I'll look back in August wishing I was here in January contently reading my used books in front of my personal, little library.