It's funny how little thoughts flutter and sprint into our minds during the day. One minute I'm trying to figure out how many days until Mr. X's Ativan will be covered by the provincial government the next I imagine the greatest idea for a blog post. The trouble with being inspired and merely writing down the idea, is that once it's written and cast aside, it loses it's gumption in your memory. When the idea is fresh is best. I always feel a sense of drive or a real desire to write those thoughts at that moment. I know now, that if I just write down the idea in bullet form, the next time I read it (months from then) all of the passion has been drained out of me. It's just a fact.
So tonight, while I was watching the second season of Orange Is The New Black at 11:30 while the rest of my family dozed into the world of z's and blissful dreams, I was inspired. I paused my most favourite new show to date and decided that I'd jot down my thoughts while the passion was freshly flowing.
I feel like after being married and having a child, the ME in me can get lost. My personal desires and wants are there deep inside of me but I find them drowning with the wants and desires of my girl or my guy.. Alina is two and some.. and she's honestly been an angel from day one. I can't lie. We've been lucky AND I think we're just doing shit right. She has an attitude or whines, we give her hell.. nothing drastic, we just tell her straight up that she can't be that way. She gets it; she doesn't rule the roost. Alina is a sweetheart and she's been really good while I've been going through this whole school process. I'm really close to the finish line. I find out if I passed or failed the Jurisprudence Exam in July and then my big, two day licensing exams are in September. I'm close.. but Alina suffered. She experienced at a young age what it was like to have a very distracted mommy. A girl needs her mom, what can I say? But because of how much I had to study and do my own thing on the weekends I feel like it's really affected her. I'll tell her we're going to visit friends or that there's a carnival in town and usually her first question is; "Mommy coming?" I've had to pawn her off on her dad so many times during the last year, that she's just used to it. I've created this cling on monster and it is essentially my own fault.
So now, with only a few months left in this entire process, I can't take a pee or change my clothes without the boom boom boom boom.. down the hall.. Imagine the sound of stomping fat toddler feet against the tile at a dangerously clumsy pace just seconds behind your own... That's Alina. She is my shadow and I love her and the fact that she wants to be around me-however, it gets tiring too.
Which leads me to this post...
I stay up late on the weekends because it's MY time. Yes, I am a bit of a night owl and have always appreciated my nights. But now, now that this is truly my own time to myself without Rob calling me outside to look at his shrubs or his newly built hot tub step or Alina's "Mommy.. what doing??!" nearly every three minutes, I really, really cherish this time. I love my family, don't get me wrong. But there was a time in my life when I could be completely selfish. I miss it. Remember having a job and all of that money, ALL OF IT.. went to little old you? It was a pretty cool set up. Now, if my whole pay cheque went to me, I probably wouldn't even know where to begin. I'm desperate for a new wardrobe. Luckily I have this friend that gives me her hand me downs on a regular. I think I've been wearing Holly's old styles for the last oh... five years. Same with Rob's sister, the shopping guru. She used to be my main clothing supplier before Holls took over.
I need to find time for me, without school or the fam. I need to be able to buy myself some clothes, sans baby and husband. I need some time for myself and it can't just be early in the morning before everyone wakes or late at night when everyone is sleeping.
There, those were all of my thoughts and I got them down. I wrote everything down during my favourite show, it was close to midnight when I finished. Now, I'm proof reading it to see if my thoughts actually made sense with the words and sentences that I used. It's a gorgeous sunny morning and I have my little shadow watching her Princess and The Frog movie and my husband just woke up and is currently singing "Break My Stride" while he makes coffee in the kitchen. My peeps are up and I'm sure my services will be needed quite soon... Even though I lose some of my own desires it does feel pretty damn amazing to be needed and wanted around here.