Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Eight Fingers

This is round two for trying to write this blog. I finished a perfect post and it got lost and I hope that I can do this one as good..

There's a constant pounding since last night going on in my head. I don't know if it's a real headache or if it's just the stress of life causing it. It's like there's a mini version of myself in there pounding the walls of my head...screaming and yelling much like I feel like doing. Have a temper tantrum. Freak out and cry just because things aren't going my way. Things haven't been going my way for quite some time, so really I wouldn't go about doing that. There's just so much to deal with. I have the move, the weight of Paul moving because of me, the death, the constant reminders of what needs to be in and day out. I have to get rid of my Mustang and help Paul deal with his stresses of finding a truck in one day.

The fight..
Yes again, another broke out between mom and I. This time I wasn't backing down. It seems silly when simply explained what happened..but once I explain my reasons I'm sure that it won't seem as childish.

When Rudi was sick I went downstairs and found his dart board with three darts in it. Obviously from him weeks prior. Not only were they played and touched by Rudi last, but one was a bullseye. I remember quite clearly the smile on his face, the pride in his eyes when he shot a bullseye. Now it wasn't like it was a rare thing for him to get a bullseye but each time he was genuinely as proud as he was the time before. It was adorable and a memory I hold close to my heart. The day that he died I couldn't part with the idea of taking the darts out and giving them away to my uncle. (who had requested it at the time.) Of course, he respected my wishes and left them alone, much like everyone else. They just understood me and let me for whatever reasons I had, keep the dart board the way that it was. Last night I happened to see the dart board in it's case with the three darts missing. There was three markings to show where they had been. But there was also a pink post-it indicating to the movers, that the new owners of the house were keeping it.

Mom had gone and took the darts out of the board and even posted that it was not to be brought with us to Errington! I understand that mom is under a lot of stress and just wants things done. But that seems to be all that she cares about these days. Getting things done, not anyone's feelings, not the consequences after she throws everything of Rudi's away...

The worst part was that once I told her she didn't care. She didn't say sorry and she seemed to think that I was the one being selfish. Like I was making a big deal out of nothing. I had four months to do it she said. But if it had been her who wanted those darts in that dart board for ten years I would've respected her. I had a connection with that damn board. I wanted to pull the darts out of the board, knowing that it had been thrown by Rudi last. I wanted to talk to him while I did it. I needed that. When I tried to explain it to her...she got angry. The fight got really ugly and once she stormed into the house, I exploded with tears. The tears poured as hard as a rainstorm. I shook so violently that my entire body was tense and my jaw and head ached from crying. She came out later and apologized. But that's not the point. Why had she been like that? Her husband died. No one will understand how she is feeling. But she doesn't understand how I am feeling. She didn't really seem to care last night. That might have been what hurt me the most. The person that she was last night frightens me because it is not my mom. She was never like that. No one has seen this side of her either. It's like I'm in a movie and everyone thinks that I'm the one with all the problems. I'm the one mistreating her. When in this case, I think it is very much the opposite.

Anyways, she did end up apologizing once the smoke cleared. But it really made me wonder who she's becoming? Or am I just overeacting? I know this is hard but she turns so mean and cruel. There's hatred in her eyes and it's seriously killing me to see that.

My last day of work was today.. I thought that I would've been happy but I was really sad. I just keep thinking now that we're running away from our problems. I don't want to stay in Hinton anymore now but I don't want us to be leaving for the wrong reasons. My buddy was telling me, "you're going to miss it here. You can take the girl out of Hinton, but you can't take it away from the girl. It'll always be with you." She's right. I'll cherish Hinton for everything that it represents; home...Rudi.

"Patch Adams" is a great film. In the beginning, there's a man in the mental institution asking everyone how many fingers he is holding up, when he is clearly holding up four. When people tell him that he's in fact holding up four, he gets very discouraged and angry. Later when he is asked how many fingers he sees, he explains that everyone looks at the problem and not what's beyond it. Once the fingers are looked at again, it's completely different. There are eight.

Today on my way home from work, I wasn't looking at the road but beyond it and I saw that part of Hinton in a completely different way. Living here for eighteen years and not once have I ever seen it like that. Instead of seeing four fingers I would've seen eight. To me it was special to see Hinton in that kind of a way. Hinton is a place that I will forever call home.

I will not forget the memories shared with family and friends, the people I've known since I was a little girl new to Hinton.... and the man who brought us here...Rudi.

I will always remember Hinton for Rudi. This place holds a special place in my heart. As long as I have Hinton, I have Rudi. This way I can get over the dart board thing..

Look beyond the picture and see what no one else sees.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Birthday Girls

Birthday Bash

July 16, 1985 I was born into this world. I am two decades old. Wow..that makes me sound pretty decrepit. I woke early and like every other morning, I went straight to my bathroom connected to my bedroom to have a pee. I hear my mom's voice from outside of my window saying "Happy Birthday.. your presents on the table." Well I had only planned to have a quick piddle and get right back to sleeping. But I couldn't resist. So I woke much earlier than I had planned.

I had a hair appointment at 2:00 that I was nearly late for. I had been so busy on my "shopping spree" from Paul at our local skate shop. It had been fun going into the store knowing that I could have whatever I wanted. I did get frustrated because of course, I didn't find things that I fell in love with right away. It always seems to work that way. I wouldn't recommend getting a hair cut and dye on the big day. Most of my time was spent in the hair salon reading gossip mags about celebs. (Not that it wasn't interesting knowing how many pounds Kirstie Ally lost or how Angelina's a whore for stealing Brad from Jennifer.)

My dad and step mom arrived to town before my hair cut was finished but luckily they are more patient than some parents I know. My dad took us out for dinner and it was very nice knowing that they drove 2 and a half hours just to see me. Once dinner was finished, and the visit with my parents came to an end, the drinking began.

Oddly enough my friend and boyfriend ended up drinking a hell of a lot more than me and I ended up taking care of him instead of him taking care of the drunken birthday girl. It was also my other buddie's birthday as well. So we are lucky enough to have this chance to spend our birthdays together. We looked nice and had our birthday attire on. I styled a home made pin that said, "I'm 20 today" and a five year old home made birthday crown so that everyone knew that I was special. My buddy wore an "I'm 19 today" necklace and a cute little blue dress. I was impressed with her birthday glow she wore very well.

The night was filled with the drunken, slurred "Happy Birthdays" and "I like your hair." I was pleased. My other friend that I basically spent a solid four years hanging out together during our childhood came out as well. It really meant a lot to me considering she never goes out and she and I haven't really been as close for these last few years. It made my heart smile knowing that she was there with me. The night I will admit was full of disappointment though. I won't get into details but she was the one thing that didn't disappoint me. She did quite the opposite of that.

I mentioned that the night was a bit disappointing because... well lets just say that I ended my night, helping the cab driver rid the windows of Paul's puke. He sat on the front lawn crying, because we wouldn't let him help. It sounds pathetic, because it is. Haha, he was very intoxicated and I am not holding it against him today. Alcohol brings out the worst in everyone. I guess for some reason, it didn't bring out my evil being that's in there somewhere. I had great self control even when things made me angry; I didn't lash out or let people know that I was in fact quite pissed. Interesting and hopefully something I can keep up in the future nights of drinking to come...

Happy Birthday to me and goodbye to partying in Hinton for a long, long time..

Or shall I say... Good Riddance.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Pointless Scratches..

This is it..this is real.. We are officially moving. Well we were officially moving a month ago once my mom bought our home in Coombs. But in my mind, I have accepted it. We are out of here! My mom and I had been fighting there for awhile and she threatened to go without me. That freaked me out so badly. The idea of being left behind has always frightened me. But what bothered me was that I could be stuck living here in Hinton, after telling everyone that I was a goner. I would much rather argue with my mother in Coombs where it is beautiful and very conveniently situated by the ocean, rather than living in Hinton hating my life.

Mom just got back with a bundle of boxes for us to start packing. Only three weeks to go and we will be up and moving to another province. I am slowly starting to get excited because a new start is always something to look forward to. At least I get to begin my life with Paul somewhere besides here. Even though we're going to be living with my mom until we get ourselves grounded, I finally feel grown up and ready to start out on my own.

We may have to leave the house still up for sale. Mom gets too worked up having to tidy the house every day, with Paul and I at work. She gets too stressed out about it and she's going to end up falling down the stairs and hurting her back or worse. So I was hoping that we could sell the house privately but now it's all up to the realtor. I personally hope that it sells sooner than later, because I don't like the idea of leaving the house empty for months on end. Especially in the cool winter.

I am trying to think of ways in which I can get a head start on packing. I'm just not really sure what I won't miss having around for ... a month or so.

I am really looking forward to all of this being over. The moment we can all sit in our living room on Bowlby Drive will be a great reward. I seriously hope that unpacking will be eventful and not depressing and discouraging because of the small room we are going to be inhabiting. I am full of mixed emotions mainly because I only remember moving once in my life. It's the fear of the future, of what is to come. What do I expect? The fear of the unknown..

I have so many questions but I don't think it wise to stress over them now. There are too many other things to think about. This blog kind of sucks because my thoughts are all mixed up and it isn't very insightful or funny. But hell, what's a blog for if you can't talk about my feelings?