Friday, September 30, 2005
Haha, yes I know this is a long way off, I am sure. But I am still kind of feeling a sense of panic. I am sure I have mentioned in other posts, that one of my hugest fears is to be left behind. I was talking to a friend last night, and he was saying that he's moving in eight months or so. Suddenly I felt panicked. I don't want anyone to move.. especially someone that I have founded such a unique friendship with.. But this is the facts, which of course I will eventually have to face. I just feel kind of ... scared I guess about what my future holds. I don't know what to expect..and I don't really have any plans.
I hate that one question, that so many people ask because they do not know what else to talk about..the small talk..chit chat.. "so are you going to school....?", or "you're probably not staying at Bailey's for long, probably saving up for school right.." I realize that people are just trying to be friendly, but something like this, makes me feel really shitty. "NO, I'm not going to school, I don't know WHAT I want..!" But, of course I would never do this. It almost seems like these days it's wrong NOT to go to school. Why is it that we are expected to go to school right away, and have an education? I mean, for obvious reasons it is great to get an education. I don't want to go to school for the sake of saying, "yeah I'm in school." What's the point? It's such a waste of money. I want to make sure I know what I want before I go getting myself a $20000 + student loan. I'm having a hard enough time saving to buy a car, never mind a loan..
I needed to vent just a little bit. I think I will end up in Vic near my sister in time. Who knows what the future holds.. I have high hopes in areas that don't even exist yet.. I have hopes in people that I hope want to become more of a friend to me.. I have hopes that I will be making some nice coin by the end of this summer..with my little cafe' job because I plan on staying and getting more "promotions" ...
So far, my goals are... to buy a car, a decent one that runs enough to get me from Point A to Point B. Another goal is to focus my thoughts on my writing..again, looking into some creative writing courses to keep me busy.. I also have to keep a positive outlook on the entire, "everyone's moving away.." idea that I have in my head..that is in fact true. Really, it's true everywhere.
No matter where I go I will be living in someone's home town that he is trying to escape. And soon I will mature enough to the point, where this won't matter to me anymore...
Thursday, September 29, 2005
As everyone can clearly see, my brother is a complete and utter goof. He's the funniest person that I've been lucky to have been around all of my life.
When I was a little girl I was the tag along. I wanted to read just like Kyli and learn how to play baseball like my big brother. I was a busy little girl trying to be both my brother and my sister. But in the end I turned into a mixture of them both, as well as my very own person. With the two of them helping mom and Rudi raise me I turned into quite the little creation. I wouldn't be who I am without their love and torture.
Lincoln and I did get along when we were younger, but I would never have imagined what it is like now between us. My brother is very compassionate towards other people. He doesn't like to make anyone feel uncomfortable and he always wants to make sure that I am okay in any situation. It's like I'm a little girl again, and he's taking care of me. I don't think he'll ever truly stop taking care of me, really. Even though he lives in a different province entirely, which is getting difficult to deal with, he will always be there for me. He is a very difficult person to get a hold of. He works the graveyard shifts always and it's tough trying to phone him when he's not sleeping.
When us kids were little, I remember we all slept in a big queen size bed after the divorce. Our aunts and mom's friends used to say that we were like kittens, because we stuck so closely to one another when we slept. I'd have a foot in the face, Linc would have Kyli's elbow up his nose, etc. We were always a cuddley little bunch. Imagine how we like to sleep now. I remember that I was always in the middle..Linc would pinch me and I'd cry and Kyli would shove me out of the way and pound the crap out of him for me. We were always bugging each other. My dad would come for a weekend visit and take us back to Drayton with him. Kyli never got the front seat because dad didn't want to leave me and Linc alone together, because I'd cry because he made a face at me,etc.
Lincoln is very talented. He's a sketch artist, that roughly jots his artistic scratches in one of his many sketchbooks. This is where I received my love for art, through him. I love to sketch as well, which I must say, I have not done in a very long time.
I can not begin to explain my brother's respect he has for me as a young woman now. He literally thinks the world of me and I can say that without it being a conceited thing. He does. I make him laugh the most out of anyone I think. We both feed off of each other's humour and that is what makes us so funny when we are together. I love my brother and hope that he does in fact decide to move out to the island sooner than he anticipated.
Linc this one's for you..
Sharing the phone with Lincy
"Hear let me show you how to do it"
I wanted to be just like him.
Lincoln being an asshole
At Linc's Prom
I was Harry Potter, he was Motley's Tommy
Lee, we swapped glasses, and were hanging
off eachother for support. What a night!
At my Prom
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Kyli isn't just a name to me. It sings to me.. it means so much more because of the person that that name represents..
My sister is the most influential person in my life, since day 1. July 16, 1985 I was studying everything about her, even as a new born. (if possible) I love everything about my sister. She's beautiful, she's wise..she has a nasty ass temper, yet her cheerfulness brightens an entire room. Seeing her at work, is like watching the sunshine in a cloudless sky.. She changes a setting to happy with just her presence alone. Like I said.. at work. Haha, sometimes not so much, but hell that's because I'm her baby sister. From all the pictures below, you'll see that I loved being around her. I wanted to be her and to be honest, part of me still wants to be like her.
People that know Kyli always have very positive things to say about her. She's so expressive. Telling her anything exciting is always so rewarding.
ME: " I sang karaoke in front of dad the other night.."
Normal Reaction: "Oh that's great..good for you."
KY Reaction: "SHUT UP. That's great what did he think!!??"
And no, I'm not exxagerating, she always does the Elaine off of Seinfeld.."Shut up!" It's the best telling her anything exciting, even if it's not all that exciting. She'll still make me feel like I did something amazing. Haha, so expressive.
Like most sisters I'm sure, we can talk for hours and hours over the phone. We are so interested in eachother's lives. I wish that I could live in her apartment in downtown Victoria. She has a great job, with many rewards, and again, I wish I could be her.
For some reason, I think I'll end up in Victoria eventually. There's something about that place that screams HOME..OPPORTUNITY...FREEDOM. Maybe that's how Kyli felt when her and Joe moved there I belive over three years ago..maybe less.
This girl is everything to me. If I didn't have her I don't know how I'd get by what I've been through in my life. Through the late nights of me on the phone with Kirk when I wasn't supposed to be. She caught me, after she got home from the bar..and she was smacking at me trying to hit the phone out of my hands..and I warned her.."get out of my face, don't make me get out of my bed because I don't know what I'll do.." She left the room, but hit me first beforehand. Haha, and I'm glad she did, because I was in the wrong. I remember when she was first growing her boobies...haha, like she watered them and tended to them..haha.. I gave her the hardest titty twisters and she cried. I thought it would make me feel good, but I felt bad afterwards. Or all the times when she would be getting ready to go out to the bar... I was watching "The Wizard of Oz" on tv (such a big event in my family..I loved the Wizard of Oz) and she couldn't down her Pilsner fast enough, so she gave the rest to me. I was eating candy contently. But I ditched the candy and guzzled her beer, and pretended I liked it. Eww, pilsner? Nobody really likes pilsner, haha. We have so many memories.
Let's just say she's always been there for me. I owe her one...I owe her a few thousand. She was on the phone with me through a HaleyVSMom head to head. She was my support system through it all, telling me it'll be okay..etc. It felt so nice to have someone on my side for once..squirting that bottle of water on my face tellin' me to get back in there. haha, just kidding.
I love you Kyli and I felt it was time to dedicate a blog to you, since you are reading it now.
Monday, September 26, 2005
Here's how I think it works...
There is something out there, something of a higher power, in my opinion, I think of angels. I have my angel cards that I've mentioned before that I really and truly believe in. Skeptics roll your eyes and move onto another blog because I've only just begun..
Whenever you find yourself doing something, that kind of surprises you or makes you question yourself after you've done it...let it happen..and trust that it needs to happen..
I listen to music in the shower now. I am never in that shower with silence, there has to be some kind of music blasting through my polka dot shower curtain. It ranges from Fuel to Jack Johnson to the Counting Crows to I DON"T CARE WHO KNOWS IT Kelly Clarkson... Tonight I was in the shower...and randomly chose song seven. It was a mixed cd that I made for myself. It was one of those songs that I thought I knew, but ended up thinking, oh shit what a waste of a song. I don't even know the song. But for some reason I said, ahh I'll listen to it. Usually I seek over it and move on. Tonight it played and I actually listened to the words. It made me think. That's all. I replayed the song, I liked it so much. I wonder why I randomly selected the song, and why I decided to listen to it for once.
Things happen for a reason and I don't think it's because we know what we want. We are humans we do not always know... We may THINK we do, but we don't. If we knew what we wanted, and knew what was right for us..we wouldn't make mistakes. We need to make mistakes sometimes...a lot of times. For these mistakes are what build our personalities, what shape who we are.
For instance, Rudi's passing happened because him being on earth beyond that time...wouldn't have worked. As much as I'd like for him to walk through that door right now and say, "you missed me?" he can't and he won't. His debts weren't outrageous, but they were there, that was added stress that none of us knew about. I remember him saying to me, as he drove me to work... "I have been working for over thirty years at this place. And I still have another ten years before I can retire..and I hate that." Wow, huh. Well I don't think he used the word hate..he wouldn't do that. He was much too positive of a person. But do any of you see what I mean?? He wasn't happy at his work, his life was work there for a bit. Things happen.
I am persuaded to people. I think a lot of who we end up with in life, is because we are being pushed towards the right ones. And even our failed relationships.... they happened so that we could learn. I mean, they may have been mistakes..but like I said before..
I am being pushed to people now as a new person to a strange place. These people that I associate with could be my best friends that I phone every night..in say a few months from now. I have friends here that I could never have if I lived in Hinton with Paul still. Even Paul not coming is the right thing. We wouldn't have worked and I'm glad that he's not here. I am very pleased with my new friendships more than anyone will ever know. I feel like a lot of these friends are like gifts given to me.... because I never would have ended up here if Rudi hadn't passed. It's like it's Rudi's way of making it up to us. Sending us here...for something bigger, for something better. And no not better than him..but something that we can look forward to..inspire us...encourage and LOVE us.
My new frienships are gifts from Rudi himself... He'll never truly stop giving will he...
I went to Lafayette, about... five years ago I believe. I was kind of an unhappy, little girl with things that I was dealing with back then. I didn't want to be home..I didn't want to hurt anymore, etc. It's not a big deal now to me, but it was everything to me then. I learned a lot and gained so much more by visiting my family and new found friends in Louisiana.
These people are unexplainable. They were so compassionate and caring towards eachother. I had never seen teenagers like this before. I don't know what it is, but Canadians are not that close. My friends would walk into a room with open arms, hugging me and everyone else that was in the room. My friends in Canada never did this and I was so thrilled with how different it was there for me. At that time in my life, I NEEDED to be hugged everyday, by everyone. I needed the attention they all gave me and the relationships we all shared.
I don't know whose idea it was for me to go there that summer, but it was a damn good idea and just what I needed in my life. It was my fifteenth birthday and I remember being rushed out of the house to play Laser Tag. When I returned, the entire living room was FULL of my new friends and their families. I couldn't believe it. My life had been going so shitty at home and all I knew at that point, that things were looking up. My aunt and uncle's swimming pool was filled with balloons. I had a birthday crown, that I actually wore on my 20th birthday this year, and presents and most importantly all of them. I can't even explain how great they all made me feel. I was the visitor..the Canadian, the excitement for that summer. Well, maybe not THE excitement, but I did feel like it.
On the day that I had to leave.. I will never forget. My friend David made me two cd's to remember the summer by for me. He gave me a discman for the airplane. My flight was pretty early, I think it was... at 7:00 and the following day everyone had to return for school. So on the day that my friends, and cousins could've slept in..they all got up and went to the airport to see me off. There was group of... maybe eight of them. We had a big group hug and I just remember crying so hard, wishing I could leave my own family and join this one. I wanted so badly to stay. As I was going down the stairs..I looked up and saw everyone, tear stained faces smiling and waving at me. My all time crush, RyGuy went onto the intercom and said, "We love you Haley" in his southern accent.
I love those people, I still have a special space for all of them in my heart. David commenting on my blog made me realize that I hadn't thought about that time in my life in a really long time.
And I'm glad that I can dedicate this post to my Lafayette Angels.
I love "y'all wherever you are.."
Friday, September 23, 2005
At one point today... I rang in a coffee, after the man said he wanted water. So I gave his wife the coffee, and then I began to pour him another. He yells, " NO I want water." I'm like, "yes, that's right, I am really sorry. I swear I'm not doing this on purpose." The woman then sends her husband away to sit and calm down. I am way beyond flustered. For some strange reason these people are married yet, they always pay seperate. So we have to figure out the difference..blah blah blah. I am a retard when it comes to math. It is really sad, so I was zero help in the matter. Just kind of stood there red faced and agreed to whatever she said.. (which can't be good to always do, one day that'll catch up on me.) So by this time, the man is back because we've taken so long. So I send Annette to get him a mug of hot water. And he yells again, "I don't want HOT water. I want it cold!" HAHA. I can't help but laugh at this time. I wasn't offended that he was getting so upset with me. I'd be getting a little upset with me at this point. I bet he calls me "THAT girl." They'll be in again tomorrow and I know with my luck I'll get them..and he'll be thinking.."Oh no, not THAT girl again."
Then this pack of five young men come in. They are kind of rowdy and a little noisey. All at once they bombard me with what they want.. BLT's..mini pizzas...crispy chicken wrap..I don't want that five, I want another one...etc. All at once, and I am not exxagerating. I was so overwhelmed by them. Not to mention they're immature, and they're hitting each other in the ass HARD while the other person is trying to order. My goodness. Then this one starts to feed me one liners. "You have the most beautiful eyes...you know." He was so intense, I couldn't stand it. I swear he was looking right through my clothes.. There was just something about this guy that made me feel super uncomfortable. He goes on to say, "At least I made you smile..." So I agree, yes he did make me smile. Then he says, "And you look beautiful when you're smiling.." BLAH. He goes on to invite me out for coffee..and I reply, "With ALL of you?" I am just not even sure how my brain is working at this point, I am so overwhelmed and shook up and embarrassed... He again asks me out but this time just with him and then his friends are all grabbing drinks to pay for and it's just getting chaotic. Finally my boss steps in and asks if I need help. Thankfully Heidi saw what had been going on and sent him in there to rescue me. She said to me later that she was watching him earlier and he had been staring at me the entire time I was working with other customers. She said she sort of saw it coming and wished she had warned me. Oh well.
There was just something about this one guy that was so persistent. I've read in magazines that women's intuition is always right. I just had this really gross feeling, almost making me feel sick to my stomach about him. I know that I wouldn't want to see him alone anywhere or even in a bar in fear that he'd follow me. Maybe he was just a jackass trying to impress his friends. There just isn't any honour in embarrassing a woman, and making her feel that uncomfortable. Why would I want to date a guy like that? Apparently he thinks he's doing it right. I hope he got the message when William delivered their food, and I completely avoided their table until they all left. Yikes, I did not like that feeling very much.
So that was my day. I was THAT girl that couldn't get a glass of water right. Haha. I was also THAT girl that was harrassed by five boys all at once. AHH.
I'm glad that I get to be THAT girl that doesn't have to work anymore today.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Okay so here goes it.....
My night was very fun. I went to the pub with my cousin and some friends. We drank and I played many games of pool. Apparently I was winning..five games in a row...or was it four? I am no pool shark but I can hold my own I at least think. BUT, I kept winning by default. The eight ball would fall in at the beginning or the white ball would follow the eight ball and the poor man I was playing would wince. Haha, it was a beautiful thing really.
The pub was quite full for "the pub". Alex and I call it "Foreman's basement" off of "That 70's Show" because it's so layed back there. And ugly with lots of brown furniture..haha. We have our favourite bartender, Trent. He's the best and always makes sure our drinks are full. We love him and know his schedule. We usually don't go there unless he's working. And that's saying something. Ally's friend is moving and this was why there was so many people there. I hope he had fun.
Ally is going to put me on a blind date with someone. I remember telling her that I would love to go on one with her videotaping the entire thing. Haha. I must have been drunk because that's a lot of pressure. Someone always watching what's going on. I am looking forward to a date...but, I am totally freaked right the fuck out. Who will it be? Why did I agree to do it?? Ahh, yes the alcohol. Right.
Back to last night... unfortunately my story is not finished. So we go to Ally's bosses house. And we continue on with the drinking....and drinking...and drinking... Apparently after a certain point in my memory...I don't recall the evening. I don't remember how it ended. I heard from my aunty that I passed out on the couch and Alex had a hell of a time waking me up. Oops. AND I woke up late very late to find that my shoes were not there. Hmm, I must have left the house without my shoes. Again, that's saying something... D R U N K.
But it's starting to get out of hand. Why oh why did I do this? Why did I have to get so drunk? I wasn't there to return my mom her car so she almost lost her very important appointment. So I wake up in a panic..looking for my shoes....and then I had to go to the bathroom forever. I just sat there...trying to feel better...hoping that the spins would subside...and that I would be feeling better soon. Then, my mom and her parents drive up. Uh oh. Trouble.
I think that my mom is going to kick my ass for not being there when I promised I would. But no, it's not mom I should've been fearing. Grannie. She was so mad at me. I have never felt so low as I did this morning when she was yelling at me. The worst feeling ever. I was shocked. Dumbfounded. As I was leaving, after many, many tears later she said she was sorry for freaking out on me. She thought I was dead. That's why I wasn't answering the phone...not because I was so hammered last night...not because I was passed out from all the alcohol in my system...not because I was an irresponsible little bitch..and forgot about my mother completely last night between..the beers, the gin, the rye....They thought I was raped..or killed..or get this one...OVERDOSED on something. Wow, I don't even do drugs. They were really worried.
I hate that my grannie gave me shit. I hate it because it was embarrassing and everyone saw. I hate that I had to leave my aunty's house without shoes..how degrading. I hate that I didn't say anything to my grannie to make her feel better when she apologized to me, crying. I am a bitch. The alcohol numbed me. Maybe that's why I drink.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Alex is so much fun. We have had many laughs together and I am just blessed to be able to live by her now. Especially with everything going on, this is the perfect place to be because she is a ten minute drive away.
Last night my goodness. I went to Alex's house for some karaoke and wow did we ever sing. We played, now I can't spell ... kamakazee karaoke. This is where everyone in the room has to sing at one point. We pass the microphone on and randomly select songs from the cd's. This is always a good time, sober or drunk. Me, yeah I was quite drunk. I at one point was dared by Alex to run through the sprinkler system in her back yard. Luckily, I had my camera and told them to capture the moment. Yes, we sure captured that moment as you all can see.
Today mom and I went shopping in Nanaimo. We did the Wal*Mart shop and all that but I finally got my pictures developed which is so nice. So I wanted to post a few of them and most of them include pictures of me DRUNK and with my cousin. The shopping was so great. There's something about spending money that I haven't earned yet...that is dangerous and intriguing. Haha, such a dork. Good ol' Mastercard. My mom just yelled, "where did you get your shirts from again...Garbage Clothing?" Haha, no it's Garage Clothing. Sometimes I wonder about that woman. She's crazy but we had some mother/daughter time together, spending some money. I spent a disgusting amount on six new karaoke cds to add to Alex's collection. It's only gonna get uglier from this point on.. haha. There were purses on for ten dollars .... all sizes... all styles. I bought a purse that is the colour of Split Pea and Ham soup. Blech, but a nice looking purse, just because it is so ugly.
Ugly somehow is good. That's how I get along in this world. HAHA
So back to my cousin, the one that is the reason why I even have friends right now. I think everyone needs that certain someone, outside of any relationship or marriage.. that is there whenever you need a good laugh..or a cry, whatever the case.. I like having a few of those friends for backup, just in case Alex is working or having a bad day herself. When Alex is sad, she likes to be left alone to do what she does on her sad days.. and I respect that. She's also a napper. I don't like to bother her naps because they mean so much to her. How adorable is that. She's going to be 21 soon and she still has her afternoon sleeps. Aww..I love her.
So I posted this blog in honour of PUKE GREEN purses, drunk fiascos..kamakazee karaoke... AND Ally Bally. I love ya baby.
Monday, September 19, 2005
When I was younger I used to write each day faithfully and I had loads of stuff to write about. It helped me get along with my hard times..my awkward pre-teens and what not. I think that if any young girl or boy even is having a hard time, their parents should recommend a journal. I was lucky enough to have parents that completely respected my privacy. So I had no worries about them invading in on my thoughts.
But now I am slowly starting to slip and I think that this will continue to happen as I grow. Eventually I will just be too busy to find time to write in my journal as much. Plus this blog is sort of taking up all of my writing time. I am starting to wonder if I should just print these off and put them into a scrap book...and call that my journal. But I just can't rid the habit of writing in my notebook every night.. Lately I don't write every night because I am usually out doing something, or I get home and it's too late and I'm tired, etc.
This morning I had to get up earlier than I wanted. My mom had a dr's appointent in town and I had to go with her...and then straight to work. So I sat in the car with the heat cranked and I wrote in my journal for the previous week before. I loved every second with myself this morning. I think that everyone needs to do this every once in awhile. It's like I caught up with myself.. Like, "Oh hey, there you are. I haven't been around you in a long time. I've just been really busy living.." We all need to stop... and realize that we're still there for ourselves. Haha, it sounds ridiculous. But it felt great.
The timing was superb... My mom returned to the car just as I was writing the last line in my journal..
"what the hell is a girl to do.." The time spent writing my deepest, inner thoughts on paper was just what I needed. I can't reveal all my secrets on my blog because people actually are reading it. Maybe I could before...but not now. My feelings are too precious and important to be throwing around online for people that I may or may not want to read.. I try to be a secretive person...keeping my real feelings to myself. I'm told that this can be unhealthy. But when it comes to my writing, I usually let most of it all out. When it comes to my heart...I stay silent.
I've been too vulnerable in the past, too open to make things happen and I've worn my heart on my sleeve.. big mistake. I am more reserved...making it harder for people to get close to me. Defense mechanism. Maybe. Playing it safe. Yes. Unhealthy. Can be. Don't care. Damn rights.
I don't tell my story to any person I come across. Even though strangers...people I've never met read about some pretty intense words..right from my own life... It's not the same, as if I met any of my blogees on the street. I wouldn't just spill my feelings like I do on here. Somehow it's very different. Erin and Holli, Mama and Afguy they all know what's going on in my life.. But I don't have to "see" them in my regular day. I don't have to serve them coffee at the shop...look into their eyes..and look away knowing that they can see deep into my soul...at my past, at my hurt.
So I think I will continue to write on in my own personal notebook like I have for the past nine years. And maybe one day I can look back on it all and summerize it into a book.. Who knows, maybe people will read it... I mean, some people are reading this..
Saturday, September 17, 2005
Wow last night was loads of fun. I went to a house party type deal and wooped it up. I was playing "quarters" one on one with this guy that was very good at it. Meaning, I was very drunk after we were finished. I took tons of pictures to document the evening, but I have to get my pictures developed, I have yet to purchase a digital like everyone it seems. I was a bit of a brat because of the drinking, causing mischief. I was told today that it was okay, just as long as I had fun. And well I did..so I guess it's okay! Okay!
I received a letter in the mail. I wrote the first letter and was hoping for a reply any time soon. But after awhile I feared that it wouldn't come. But it did and I couldn't be happier. I wrote Paul's mom a letter, saying goodbye in a sense. I love her and wished that I could've had the chance to talk to her again, and all that kinda stuff. So I expressed my feelings in the best way I know how and wrote her a letter. She loved it and laughed, smiled and cried and cried some more I am told over it. She is a great artist and sent me a painting that she made of an area outside of Hinton. She said it was a memory of where I grew up. I love it and am going to frame it as soon as I get the chance to.
Now this woman is my freakin' mentor..minus the fact that she's a Jehovah's Witness. She is everything I want to be. She's a mother, a great friend, loving, caring, amazingly funny sense of humour. She paints, sings, plays the guitar, scrap books, cooks and cleans like nobodies business. I just love her to pieces. Really I miss her more than Paul these days. I think I will always miss her and I won't allow myself to get over her. There will be no getting over Denise. No no. She informed me of what was up with her family and the baby...
I saved the letter that I sent her and it was very nice and I am really proud of myself for writing it. She said that my maturity shone throught out my letter and that she was so pleased that I decided to write. She gave me great advice, and made me feel better about the entire situation. She said that she was glad I was apart of his life, and that he is a better person because of it. Who wouldn't want her as a mother in law...? She's so amazing.
She said that no one is whole until they have spirituality in his life. I agree. I am not a Jehovah's Witness or anything really for that matter. But I do believe that there needs to be "something" in your life.. I look for guidance in my angel cards. I feel better knowing that there is something..or someone watching over me from... wherever. Rudi is my main angel up there and that is a very comforting feeling.
I just feel a whole lot better. There is a weight being lifted off of me.. I think of it as... when I wake up for work, I make a point to have a nap after work because I'm so tired. But once work is over I have a second wind and think, "F the nap." Well this is my second wind. She gave me energy and joy to keep on going. I mean, I was going to keep the ol' chin up but this really helps a chicky out.
The house party lifted my spirits too. I love socializing in a party setting...and getting letters from my ex's mama. This lifts my spirits to the moon.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Now I had a very good talk with Shelley and my dad on the way home today. I am not alone when it comes to my situation with mom. They know what's going on, and they are 100% supportive. She'd hate that I confided in the both of them, but you know what... I really needed to. I don't care if my entire family is upset with me..I had to talk to someone. I needed some family support. (not like all of you amazing blogees aren't great support..) I felt not alone for the first time...since we moved here.
My aunty owns a bed and breakfast that my dad and Shelley are currently staying at. She had all of us over for a grand feast. Very yummy, delectable dishes...and what not. Haha, I make it sound so extravagant. Well if you knew my Aunty Bobbi, you'd understand how amazing her food really is. My mom came despite how awkward she may have felt. She's alone now, and feels....not so superior to my dad and his wife. I think she feels a bit out of place in a way. But I am proud of her for going. That was a huge thing for her and I am very proud that she did it. I made it so that I wouldn't be responsible for driving home, so she had to have only a beer or two and had to drive herself home. She had no problem with this. Which I am also very impressed by..
My dad seems to really feel for me I think. I hate pity. But I think he's really feeling sorry for me at this point. They can sense my... unhappiness I guess you can all call it.. and want to be able to fix things for me. But my dad has never really been able to fix anything for me before. I am not saying that he is a bad father...he just wasn't there enough to even really know much about any of our problems until months after. But tonight, he felt for me. Him and Shelley went for a calm walk in the rain alone tonight. And I got cousin A to drive me home. He just phoned saying he missed out on saying goodbye. He is going to show up at the house before I have to go to work tomorrow to say goodbye.
The idea of him leaving really upsets me. It's like .... he's in my life..like always...but it's harder for me to say goodbye. Maybe that's why I left so suddenly..so that I wouldn't have to say goodbye this time. I mean I am used to having to say see ya to him.. It's just going to be a really long time before I get to see him again. They are my support system and he's leaving. God, everybody leaves in my life. I don't want pity..but this is so hard. Part of me is used to my dad not being around... But I always had Rudi. Now that Rudi is gone...my dad is all I have. The very idea of him leaving to go back to Alberta is freaking me out. I feel scared that he's going. I don't want to be left here to fend for myself. They both gave me great advice to live by when it came to mom and life in general. But now that I have them on my side...knowing and understanding what I am going through.. I'm almost desperate for them not to leave me.
I wish I could say ..."Don't abandon me again Dad. I don't want you to go. I'm scared and I don't know what to do..." But I can't. I have to be strong and I need to let him go without a fight... Even if I don't want to ...
Suddenly I think I am putting all of my hopes and dreams on this man that disappointed all of us..once before. That's a lot of .... shit for one to carry. And the guy doesn't even realize that he's carrying it. It's like I'm asking him to fail...expecting him to???
Tomorrow he is leaving... and of course I will see him again. I am just allowing my feelings to stand out for once. The death... the move... everything seems to be pouring out of me all at once. Apparently that's how it works with me. I wonder when all of this will subside...and life will begin to feel normal again..?
Life will never be the same and I have to accept that, even though I thought I already did. It's just harder at times to accept the inevitable.. I can just hear my Aunty Bobbi sayin'...
"Baby girl this is it... and you can't change it.. you're just gonna have to accept it and get on with it..."
So here I am.. accepting and getting on with it.. life..
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
I decided that a nice breakfast would do just the trick. In Errington there is one store that consists of a poste office, convenient/liquor store and a little diner. So I went there to see if breakfast was still on. And yes it was.
My mom didn't want to join me. She doesn't like to eat breakfast. She's kind of picky. She doesn't eat breakfast food, or milk ever. So, I went on my own.
I found a small table with two chairs in the corner and sat contently by myself. I surprised myself when I said yes to coffee? Where did that come from? Apparently I like coffee now. Why not, right. I read my book that is called, " Love Warps the Mind a Little." No shit, to that title. But as I read by myself.. and my breakfast came. I sat there thinking, this is what it's like to be alone.
I was sitting at a table for one, with my book as my company. There was one other couple in the restaurant. The funny thing about them was that they didn't even speak to eachother. They too read ignoring the other's company. Strange, but whatever. I heard the lady say, " Are you paying then?" Haha, good one just assume lady, they always fall for that one. I wasn't upset by being on my own, not having said anything more than, "thank you, no thank you and yes please." I knew as soon as I entered the establishment that I'd be paying for my own meal and I knew that I wouldn't be saying too much... I was content though. That was the beautiful thing.
I thought to myself, normally I would've been sitting here with Paul. He would've loved it there. He's in my thoughts regularly. My walks along the ocean are so peaceful and calming. But those are the times when I think of him the very most. I think that he is missing out on such a new, refreshing kind of life. But I know that he's content at his own life as well. He was never one to venture off on his own. I knew that, I always did.
I just kept thinking in that quaint little diner, that this is how life is. We're alone, on our own most of our life anyways. We were born alone, went to our first day of school alone... we do most things on our own. We are our own companion that we know will never go away. So I sit here thinking, being on my own isn't so bad. It's virtuous being on my own. I learn more, I feel more... I am more intune with my spirit.
It's peculiar how one or more relationships of say.... six years altogether, can make a person feel lonely when they're single. Yet, the fourteen years before that of being on my own is somewhat forgotten??
Love warps the mind a little... Amen.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
I am so sick and tired of today. First of all I get to work and my boss is like, "you're late..don't let that happen again." I ask him what time it is and he's like, "7:33" I was three minutes late. THREE. Then after that it was even worse. He was picking at everything that I was doing. I am told that when I'm on the till I am supposed to ask him to get my special coffee orders. So I do and then I thank him and he's like; " I'm not even supposed to be here you know.. You and Annette should be doing that on your own, hey." How the hell was I supposed to know that??? Anyway he finally left for Nanaimo and then Andrea comes in.. Watch out because something pissed her off and she's in a stink of a mood ALL day. Ughh, I was just so happy to get the hell out of there. Plus it's my weekend.. I have two days off now. Thank goodness..
I told Afguy that I was going to have a day where I appreciated life and whatnot after seeing the pictures on his blog... But I failed. I am stuck with these feelings of feeling sorry for myself...being completely and utterly misunderstood by my mom...and desperate to get her to get it.
We get in another arguement today. Already. She says that my grannie thought that I didn't want her here at our house yesterday. What?? I love my grannie more than anything and the very fact that she thinks that I wouldn't want her here troubles me. Okay so I wasn't talkative because I was busy online posting my blog. It's what I do. I write. She knows that. So I say, "Oh that was stupid of her to think that... I love her and she should know that. " My mom gets all upset and says that already I am starting to disrespect Grannie now too.. WHAT? Where the hell did that come from??? I love Grannie like I've mentioned before. I would never disrespect her. Never.
So here's my thought... I think that I have lost a lot of respect for my mom because of her problem. And she has every right to be handling things roughly considering she lost her husband. But, I am starting to resent her like I mentioned before and with that, I lost some respect for her. So yes I may need a swift kick in the ass because she is my mother and will never stop being my mom.
Okay so if anyone is in an arguement...and the other person is drunk while in the fight.... don't we always feel like we are automatically more right in a sense, because we are sober...?? I don't know I have this way about me that whenever we argue when she's been drinking I feel like she doesn't even know what she's talking about.. In some cases, most cases honestly, she is just really defensive. She defends the drinking even though later sober, she knows that it is a problem.
I feel sorry for her, but I have lost respect and that is so wrong and I realize that. It's just hard to look past the glossy eyes some nights, or the slurred words, or even the scent of beer on her.. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. I just hate the drinking so much.
I am not a bad kid. I feel like she thinks that I am this horrible child. I have no respect for her and I use her to my fullest extent. I would never do the things that come out of her mouth. She is just really on my case about being this person that she thinks I am... that I know I am not.
How do I make her see the real me?
Monday, September 12, 2005
The things that were a matter of importance to me then are nothing compared to what is important to me now. Is that pink purse the same pink as the pink in my dress? OR How can I find a way to get my mom to understand how much I care about her, without her pulling the "mom card?" Many of my bloggees are moms I realize. But pulling the mom card is the worst.
Since my mom and I moved here we are more like room mates. People have to understand this. I hate to talk about her so openly on this..but her drinking is beginning to become something I resent. I need her to understand how much it bothers me, and not only because I just dislike it, but because it's hurting her too. But she thinks I am being disrespectful because I am the daughter and she is the mother. So she says how rude I am .... completely ignoring what I have said.. This morning, she said that I could live elsewhere????? Where am I supposed to go? I sorta left the only life I've ever known to be here and restart our lives here. It's things like that...that seem so much more important for me to think about rather than...Ohhhh I hope I am seated next to my friends at prom for dinner..
Life changes..priorities SO TOTALLY change. And people also change with that as well..My graduation picture is funny because my hair is a red...auborne colour. Give me the chance to do that over and I'd have more of a natural colour. I looked different and that was only a couple of years ago. I can't imagine what some of my other blogees looked like in their photos....
Which brings me to my request... Since I participated in my list of 100.... I think that the ladies that did that should do this.... Post either their grad or prom pics on their blogs. Then write about how much you think you've changed. I would LOVE to see what you all looked like when you all graduated. hehe.... Let me know what you think of that idea ladies..and gents, but AFGUY is probably much much too busy to reminisce about his glory days I'm sure..haha.
Things change and that's the point of my blog today. I feel like I've grown so much in a couple of years and I can't even imagine how much more I will grow after more years to come. I just think everyone should enjoy these years no matter where you are in your lives..babies, family.. lovers... university... new homes.. and for me my partying days without much responsibility.
Life is to be lived and learnt from...answer me this...what has everyone learned in their years??
Saturday, September 10, 2005
I don't know what I'm doing either and all I want is to do what is right. I wonder if I'm even coming close to this desire. I phoned my friend late... too late last night. Once the alcohol's in me, there's no room for being considerate I guess. He had to get up early to go to work.
So yes this is how bad my life is getting... I went out last night with three other people. All three of them had to get up early for some reason or another. I was drinking, they were not. So really I got hammered and no one else did. Hmm, what does that mean? I just like to have fun and I am feel like drinking enhances my chances of having fun. I danced to the live band, named Baby Jane I believe. My friend told me the lead singer had a great voice. Once he left she really belted out the lyrics. I wanted to phone him then and let him know he was right...she was good.
As soon as my friend left I wanted to leave. Funny how that works out. My friends asked me what happened to me... Why was I so quiet all of a sudden. I mean I wasn't quiet all night.. I was quite the opposite really. So as we drove on the island highway they asked me what was wrong.. I really didn't know how to answer that. I wanted him there? I wished he hadn't left?
I don't know AGAIN. I don't fuckin' know and this is what is going to be the end of me really. Not knowing!! AHHHH.
I have to go to work.. to be continued..
Part 2 - Of Still Not Knowing
Haha, man some of that doesn't make much sense. I think it is because I was up early trying to get my thoughts out in a short period of time. So I had quite a few facts muddled. Must have been because I recieved this information when I had been drinking. Oh well.
I feel a bit silly having phoned so late last night. When I think back on it I wish I had more self control. Though I did pre warn the poor guy that I tend to phone when I'm drunk. Hehe. Don't be my friend, I'll be calling you all hours of the night.
I don't know what it is about me really. My thoughts all run together. Things seem important one minute and not so much the next. I wish that I could just have no confusion right now. Especially when it's someone else's feelings on the line. When it's my feelings I tend to be a bit careless. But once there is another person involved in my reckless days and nights I have to stop and think about what I might be doing... and that is....
Good guess...I don't know.
I know that I need to find out what I want soon. But really, there aren't rules to this kind of stuff. I am in charge of my own life. I am just going to continue to do what I feel is right. And that's that. And by the way, not knowing will be the end of me comment in part 1 ... well I didn't mean that literal to those of you that don't know me as well as others. I am just saying...that it's going to creep up and bite me in the ass one day.
And then maybe I'll know... just like that. I mean, isn't that the way it should be ??
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
The list of 100 things about little Miss Haley Parenteau:
(As requested by Erin, a new blog friend...if I knew how to do links I would have a link to her blog, but I do not..)
1. I am in love with my blog.
2. I read it over and over again.
3. My middle name is Shea.
4. I love music now.
5. I find I can get lost in it.
6. I hate the bad in the world that never goes away.
7. Today is six months since my dad died.
8. I hate that he is gone.
9. I was not planned..ooops.
10. I was a sad attempt at making the marriage work.
11. My parents were divorced when I was 2 and a half.
12. Using the phrase, "mom and dad" in the same sentence feels weird to say.
13. I wonder if people will read this entire list...?
14. I quit kindergarden.
15. I remember watching "the price is right" thinking, this is much better than kindergarden!!
16. I'm older than all of my friends, at least when I was in highschool.
17. I stood out from all of my friends in one way or another.
18. I keep in touch with one of them over the phone.
19. A lot of my friends read my blog and I didn't know that.
20. I am proud that people read this.
21. I love that Erin and Holli put my blog on their blogs.
22. Made me feel really great.
23. I need to write...for the rest of my life.
24. I need to have babies one day.
25. If I can't I don't know what I'd do.
26. I worry about that a lot..if I can't have babies..just because I want them so badly.
27. When people sing really fantastically I get goosebumps all over my body.
28. I lost my virginity when I was 16.
29. To my first boyfriend, Kirk.
30. It wasn't as important as I thought it was.
31. 16 is too young to lose it...but I didn't know that at the time..haha
32. I wouldn't have done it any other way, though.
33. Now at least I know what I'm doing, haha.
34. Kirk was very bad for me.
35. He tried to kill himself when I broke up with him.
36. He got his sister to beat me up infront of a huge highschool party.
37. The fight was pretty intense..
38. We are both friends now..his sister and I.
39. We laugh about it now. phew.
40. I don't know Kirk anymore.
41. Apparently he's in rehab.
42. I used to think he jaded me.
43. He did...but now I'm okay.
44. I have a tatoo.
45. Of my dad's name on my back.
46. My co-workers asked about it yesterday.
47. I love watching hockey at a pub.
48. I love being with friends away from Errington.
49. I plan on singing, "love and marriage" at the next karaoke get together...gutsy..
50. I miss my sister.
51. We're very close.
52. I miss my brother.
53. We used to fight lots when we were little.
54. Now he respects me more than I do.
55. I haven't spoken to him in almost a month.
56. I was born in 1985.
57. In my mind I think I am older..
58. But I know in five years even I will laugh at myself.
59. I have a lot of experience for a 20 year old.
60. I feel like I need a good break from drama.
61. I know this will not happen.
62. I hate war.
63. I hate that people have to go and fight.
64. The idea frightens the hell out of me.
65. My real dad lives in Drayton Valley, Alberta.
66. That's where I was born.
67. I am the only kid that mantained a healthy relationship with him.
68. I know him and his family the very best out of my family.
69. I love that.
70. My step sister is going to be 16. (the year i lost virginity...eeek)
71. She wants a fake id already.
72. I feel old when I think...."you're only sixteen little one.."
73. The world changes so much and I am beginning to feel out of "the loop".
74. The song "Won't Back Down" tom petty is apparently "my song" says my sister.
75. The song was playing when she told me...and I cried.
76. I hate being dumped.
77. I wish I could get over people quicker.
78. I wish he missed me.
79. I wish for mom to find someone again..later.
80. I hope that I get my life figured out within this year so that I can move out.
81. I live with my mom and her two dogs. (loser)
82. I haven't payed rent yet since we moved here. (loser)
83. I don't really think I'm a loser.
84. I love Staples... Stationary, pens..paper..watch out!
85. I need a car.
86. I am ashamed to admit that I love the show, "Coronation Street."
87. So does my mom.
88. I am a total Wineo.
89. It's my weakness...pink poison.
90. I love it when I make people laugh.
91. And all the attention that comes with it.
92. That's how I get my attention..is by being funny.
93. I am pretty funny.
94. I snort when I laugh.
95. I fart when I please.
96. I know that that was gross..but hey, I'm kind of like that..Don't Care What People Think...well once I know them a little..
97. I wish I could play the guitar.
98. I hope I have fun tonight.
99. I love 90's music...cranberries, alanis morisette, lisa loeb...
100. I want to get married barefoot..
Sunday, September 04, 2005
Ahh yes, the little things. Aren't these small details the very walls of any kind of friendship, relationship..? I came to realize, with some help and guidance, that these little details really do matter. Who are we if we don't have small quirks or goofy tendencies? Not existent.. that's what. When two people get to know one another, they learn these little things with time, with conversation and experience. Aren't the little things what we fall in love with? I can think of plenty of traits in a lot of my friends that make me shake my head, or laugh my ass off over..
These quirks are what shape us as human beings. If there is anything that I am looking for in another person it is what makes him individual...stand out from the others.
Even my boyfriends in my past have had some very interesting tendencies...things that made them great in their own ways. Things that still to this day make me laugh about, despite how much I may not care for them now.
Kirk, the first boyfriend, my first love made me laugh because he was such a retard. He used to do some of the most bizarre things to make me laugh. He had this crazy noise he'd make when he'd change his gears in his truck. Sounds simple and stupid and that's pretty much what it was. He was funny, but a failure. I'm not necessarily saying that he's a failure, but we were.
Tyler, the second boyfriend I didn't think the world of. I just dated him because it was time for me to move on and venture onto different things. He was a lot of fun. I was more like one of the guys when I hung out with him and his friends. I liked that he included me. He was proud of me. His quirks were more annoying to me, which is a clear indication that I didn't deserve him and still don't. Second failure, I knew it was going to happen half way through the relationship.
Then there was three. Paul. He did have some great qualities too. He still has them, just not with me. He used to flirt with old ladies. Now that sounds creepy but he'd flatter them and they'd love him for it. He'd make their day. For some reason it is tough for me to remember his funny quirks. Ahh, yes I may have blocked the good ones for the time being. It's how I heal. The wall is up and it isn't coming down for a while. Third failure, that was the opposite of the second.
I have a few quirks up my sleeve..... I snort when I laugh..and when I laugh I mean cackle, like a witch. That's hot. I do regular spider checks before I have a shower... each corner of the bathroom: 1 wall, 2 wall, 3 wall...4...nope. Spider check..check! I wasn't aware of that one really, until it was brought to my attention. You know who you are! And yes, I am thinking about you right now. And most likely when you read this, I'll be thinking of you then too.
Right, no one will understand that..but that's okay.
What I am trying to say is... I don't know. I just felt like writing..sharing my thoughts. I love knowing that people read my writing. That there are people in this world that care about what I have to say..and that they're somewhat interested. As I write, people are reading.. And that's all I've ever wanted.
Getting through to people with my own thoughts through my own words is probably the best gift I have ever been given...