Saturday, September 10, 2005

Part 1 - Of I Don't Know

Mom said this morning, " I don't know what I'm doing I'm just trying to make things right." She was talking about the bills. But as she said this, I realized that that is exactly what I am trying to do.

I don't know what I'm doing either and all I want is to do what is right. I wonder if I'm even coming close to this desire. I phoned my friend late... too late last night. Once the alcohol's in me, there's no room for being considerate I guess. He had to get up early to go to work.

So yes this is how bad my life is getting... I went out last night with three other people. All three of them had to get up early for some reason or another. I was drinking, they were not. So really I got hammered and no one else did. Hmm, what does that mean? I just like to have fun and I am feel like drinking enhances my chances of having fun. I danced to the live band, named Baby Jane I believe. My friend told me the lead singer had a great voice. Once he left she really belted out the lyrics. I wanted to phone him then and let him know he was right...she was good.

As soon as my friend left I wanted to leave. Funny how that works out. My friends asked me what happened to me... Why was I so quiet all of a sudden. I mean I wasn't quiet all night.. I was quite the opposite really. So as we drove on the island highway they asked me what was wrong.. I really didn't know how to answer that. I wanted him there? I wished he hadn't left?

I don't know AGAIN. I don't fuckin' know and this is what is going to be the end of me really. Not knowing!! AHHHH.

I have to go to work.. to be continued..

Part 2 - Of Still Not Knowing

Haha, man some of that doesn't make much sense. I think it is because I was up early trying to get my thoughts out in a short period of time. So I had quite a few facts muddled. Must have been because I recieved this information when I had been drinking. Oh well.

I feel a bit silly having phoned so late last night. When I think back on it I wish I had more self control. Though I did pre warn the poor guy that I tend to phone when I'm drunk. Hehe. Don't be my friend, I'll be calling you all hours of the night.

I don't know what it is about me really. My thoughts all run together. Things seem important one minute and not so much the next. I wish that I could just have no confusion right now. Especially when it's someone else's feelings on the line. When it's my feelings I tend to be a bit careless. But once there is another person involved in my reckless days and nights I have to stop and think about what I might be doing... and that is....

Good guess...I don't know.

I know that I need to find out what I want soon. But really, there aren't rules to this kind of stuff. I am in charge of my own life. I am just going to continue to do what I feel is right. And that's that. And by the way, not knowing will be the end of me comment in part 1 ... well I didn't mean that literal to those of you that don't know me as well as others. I am just saying...that it's going to creep up and bite me in the ass one day.

And then maybe I'll know... just like that. I mean, isn't that the way it should be ??


Mama said...

((Haley)) I don't know what I'm doing either...just trying to hang on. Make things right. Get things right. It doesn't get easier. Not ever I don't think. You just have to hang on, try to go w/your gut(in whatever situation).

Here's hoping you're having a good nite!

Btw, I saw a map today and realized I am like the total opposite corner from you! ~m

Anonymous said...

Oh sweetie, I am sorry... I hate it when my thoughts feel all jumbled up. I think you just have to follow your heart. Take things slow and easy. Make no promises, not even to yourself.. just take it day by day. What will be will be.

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