Part 1 - Of I Don't Know

Mom said this morning, " I don't know what I'm doing I'm just trying to make things right." She was talking about the bills. But as she said this, I realized that that is exactly what I am trying to do.

I don't know what I'm doing either and all I want is to do what is right. I wonder if I'm even coming close to this desire. I phoned my friend late... too late last night. Once the alcohol's in me, there's no room for being considerate I guess. He had to get up early to go to work.

So yes this is how bad my life is getting... I went out last night with three other people. All three of them had to get up early for some reason or another. I was drinking, they were not. So really I got hammered and no one else did. Hmm, what does that mean? I just like to have fun and I am feel like drinking enhances my chances of having fun. I danced to the live band, named Baby Jane I believe. My friend told me the lead singer had a great voice. Once he left she really belted out the lyrics. I wanted to phone him then and let him know he was right...she was good.

As soon as my friend left I wanted to leave. Funny how that works out. My friends asked me what happened to me... Why was I so quiet all of a sudden. I mean I wasn't quiet all night.. I was quite the opposite really. So as we drove on the island highway they asked me what was wrong.. I really didn't know how to answer that. I wanted him there? I wished he hadn't left?

I don't know AGAIN. I don't fuckin' know and this is what is going to be the end of me really. Not knowing!! AHHHH.

I have to go to work.. to be continued..

Part 2 - Of Still Not Knowing

Haha, man some of that doesn't make much sense. I think it is because I was up early trying to get my thoughts out in a short period of time. So I had quite a few facts muddled. Must have been because I recieved this information when I had been drinking. Oh well.

I feel a bit silly having phoned so late last night. When I think back on it I wish I had more self control. Though I did pre warn the poor guy that I tend to phone when I'm drunk. Hehe. Don't be my friend, I'll be calling you all hours of the night.

I don't know what it is about me really. My thoughts all run together. Things seem important one minute and not so much the next. I wish that I could just have no confusion right now. Especially when it's someone else's feelings on the line. When it's my feelings I tend to be a bit careless. But once there is another person involved in my reckless days and nights I have to stop and think about what I might be doing... and that is....

Good guess...I don't know.

I know that I need to find out what I want soon. But really, there aren't rules to this kind of stuff. I am in charge of my own life. I am just going to continue to do what I feel is right. And that's that. And by the way, not knowing will be the end of me comment in part 1 ... well I didn't mean that literal to those of you that don't know me as well as others. I am just saying...that it's going to creep up and bite me in the ass one day.

And then maybe I'll know... just like that. I mean, isn't that the way it should be ??