Thursday, September 15, 2005

My Heart Sinks a Little..

Okay so my biological father..for everyone that is confused....came and visited the island this week. Him and my step mom Shelley went to Victoria first..and visited my sister. Then, they came and picked me up and took me back to Victoria so that I could be included on a little family time. It was really nice to be able to show my dad and step mom around the island, even though I am too, very new to it. But there was some definite pride in it.. I'm like..."no no, this is the way to parksville..exit'll take you right through, onto the island highway into Qualicum, no problem there dad." I don't know what it is about telling your own dad the directions to anywhere and him having to have complete and total trust in you.....that just feels so DAMN GOOD.

Now I had a very good talk with Shelley and my dad on the way home today. I am not alone when it comes to my situation with mom. They know what's going on, and they are 100% supportive. She'd hate that I confided in the both of them, but you know what... I really needed to. I don't care if my entire family is upset with me..I had to talk to someone. I needed some family support. (not like all of you amazing blogees aren't great support..) I felt not alone for the first time...since we moved here.

My aunty owns a bed and breakfast that my dad and Shelley are currently staying at. She had all of us over for a grand feast. Very yummy, delectable dishes...and what not. Haha, I make it sound so extravagant. Well if you knew my Aunty Bobbi, you'd understand how amazing her food really is. My mom came despite how awkward she may have felt. She's alone now, and feels....not so superior to my dad and his wife. I think she feels a bit out of place in a way. But I am proud of her for going. That was a huge thing for her and I am very proud that she did it. I made it so that I wouldn't be responsible for driving home, so she had to have only a beer or two and had to drive herself home. She had no problem with this. Which I am also very impressed by..

My dad seems to really feel for me I think. I hate pity. But I think he's really feeling sorry for me at this point. They can sense my... unhappiness I guess you can all call it.. and want to be able to fix things for me. But my dad has never really been able to fix anything for me before. I am not saying that he is a bad father...he just wasn't there enough to even really know much about any of our problems until months after. But tonight, he felt for me. Him and Shelley went for a calm walk in the rain alone tonight. And I got cousin A to drive me home. He just phoned saying he missed out on saying goodbye. He is going to show up at the house before I have to go to work tomorrow to say goodbye.

The idea of him leaving really upsets me. It's like .... he's in my always...but it's harder for me to say goodbye. Maybe that's why I left so that I wouldn't have to say goodbye this time. I mean I am used to having to say see ya to him.. It's just going to be a really long time before I get to see him again. They are my support system and he's leaving. God, everybody leaves in my life. I don't want pity..but this is so hard. Part of me is used to my dad not being around... But I always had Rudi. Now that Rudi is dad is all I have. The very idea of him leaving to go back to Alberta is freaking me out. I feel scared that he's going. I don't want to be left here to fend for myself. They both gave me great advice to live by when it came to mom and life in general. But now that I have them on my side...knowing and understanding what I am going through.. I'm almost desperate for them not to leave me.

I wish I could say ..."Don't abandon me again Dad. I don't want you to go. I'm scared and I don't know what to do..." But I can't. I have to be strong and I need to let him go without a fight... Even if I don't want to ...

Suddenly I think I am putting all of my hopes and dreams on this man that disappointed all of us..once before. That's a lot of .... shit for one to carry. And the guy doesn't even realize that he's carrying it. It's like I'm asking him to fail...expecting him to???

Tomorrow he is leaving... and of course I will see him again. I am just allowing my feelings to stand out for once. The death... the move... everything seems to be pouring out of me all at once. Apparently that's how it works with me. I wonder when all of this will subside...and life will begin to feel normal again..?

Life will never be the same and I have to accept that, even though I thought I already did. It's just harder at times to accept the inevitable.. I can just hear my Aunty Bobbi sayin'...

"Baby girl this is it... and you can't change it.. you're just gonna have to accept it and get on with it..."

So here I am.. accepting and getting on with it.. life..


Cassy said...

Aww..big hugs to you, girlie. I'm sure this is harder than hell for you and I'm really sorry you have to deal with it.

I know it's not the same, but you're welcome to email me and we can chat. I've had some similar things in my life, so I can sort of relate. I'm a pretty good listener.

I'm here for ya if you need me.

Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

That is a pretty heavy load for a 20 yr old. I am sorry Haley. Sometimes life hands us a shit deal and finding a way to handle it all seems impossible. But keep surrounding yourself with support and love. Keep blogging your thoughts and feelings. Things oddly have a way of working themselves out.

I am here for you if you ever need a shoulder.

Haley said...

Thank you cassy!! I love that you ladies are so really helps a girly out. I just hope that i don't sound like I'm trying to get ya'll to feel sorry for me. I'm just sharing my Erin said i should.



Suz said...

Hi, Got your blog from "mama's". Wow you sound so much like me when I was in my 20's. My parents divorced when I was 6, my father always lived in another state so I hardly saw him.

Big Hugs To You


Mama said...

How are ya doin this evening Haley? Low key day here. You're gonna be OK. If u need to talk just ask...


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