Monday, September 19, 2005

My Life In a Notebook

My journal is the love of my life. My blog is turning into my main priority and I have to watch that. I have had a journal since December 31, 1996. I vowed that day that I would write at least one page every day.. until I stopped. Well I haven't stopped. Sure I miss a day or two..or nearly a week. But I go back, remembering what I did that day...and write a page about it.

When I was younger I used to write each day faithfully and I had loads of stuff to write about. It helped me get along with my hard awkward pre-teens and what not. I think that if any young girl or boy even is having a hard time, their parents should recommend a journal. I was lucky enough to have parents that completely respected my privacy. So I had no worries about them invading in on my thoughts.

But now I am slowly starting to slip and I think that this will continue to happen as I grow. Eventually I will just be too busy to find time to write in my journal as much. Plus this blog is sort of taking up all of my writing time. I am starting to wonder if I should just print these off and put them into a scrap book...and call that my journal. But I just can't rid the habit of writing in my notebook every night.. Lately I don't write every night because I am usually out doing something, or I get home and it's too late and I'm tired, etc.

This morning I had to get up earlier than I wanted. My mom had a dr's appointent in town and I had to go with her...and then straight to work. So I sat in the car with the heat cranked and I wrote in my journal for the previous week before. I loved every second with myself this morning. I think that everyone needs to do this every once in awhile. It's like I caught up with myself.. Like, "Oh hey, there you are. I haven't been around you in a long time. I've just been really busy living.." We all need to stop... and realize that we're still there for ourselves. Haha, it sounds ridiculous. But it felt great.

The timing was superb... My mom returned to the car just as I was writing the last line in my journal..
"what the hell is a girl to do.." The time spent writing my deepest, inner thoughts on paper was just what I needed. I can't reveal all my secrets on my blog because people actually are reading it. Maybe I could before...but not now. My feelings are too precious and important to be throwing around online for people that I may or may not want to read.. I try to be a secretive person...keeping my real feelings to myself. I'm told that this can be unhealthy. But when it comes to my writing, I usually let most of it all out. When it comes to my heart...I stay silent.

I've been too vulnerable in the past, too open to make things happen and I've worn my heart on my sleeve.. big mistake. I am more reserved...making it harder for people to get close to me. Defense mechanism. Maybe. Playing it safe. Yes. Unhealthy. Can be. Don't care. Damn rights.

I don't tell my story to any person I come across. Even though strangers...people I've never met read about some pretty intense words..right from my own life... It's not the same, as if I met any of my blogees on the street. I wouldn't just spill my feelings like I do on here. Somehow it's very different. Erin and Holli, Mama and Afguy they all know what's going on in my life.. But I don't have to "see" them in my regular day. I don't have to serve them coffee at the shop...look into their eyes..and look away knowing that they can see deep into my my past, at my hurt.

So I think I will continue to write on in my own personal notebook like I have for the past nine years. And maybe one day I can look back on it all and summerize it into a book.. Who knows, maybe people will read it... I mean, some people are reading this..


Mama said...

Funny, I have about 3 different notebooks started. one for me, one for kids and one for education notes. Same with me...I do good for a while and then I put it off. I think you do much better than I! And on here, it is very different than seeing people on the street. Sometimes its better but sometimes not so b/c you only know what you read. I belong to a southern mamas group on here and thats how I met Suz. There's about 11 of us that have been talking for yrs in the group. I think each of us have met someone in the group in person, so we all know that everyone is who they say..y'know? Suz and I had lunch in GA a little more than a yr ago!

HAve a good nite Haley!

Anonymous said...

I got a kick out of this --->So I sat in the car with the heat cranked <---- It is freakin 90 degrees here!! LOL

I use to write in a journal. It really helped me when DH and I were having marital problems. Writing is good for the soul!

AFGUY said...

You are doing great!!! And whats your email address?

Cassy said...

I'm a journaler too. I actually started blogging because I ran out of paper, and I am going to print this out and save it in a binder or something. For me and for Rylee.

I feel more vulnerable here, and there are things that I don't say, so I've thought about starting a blog that noone knows about for those really deep things.

Writing is my therapy. I don't see a counselor, which I probably should - there's no time for that. So I use writing. I've done it since middle school over 15 years ago.

Suz said...

Journals are the best! I use to journal all the time, It did me the best when I was going thru my divorce. I have to say I tell my online friends things I would never tell my family or friends in person. And like Shel said some of my closest friends I have met online.

Yes you do have to be careful online, Iam going thru something with my 15 yr old daughter and the whole online thing now. She has a journal on xanga. She writes down everything.

Anyways glad you got to catch up on your journal, stay warm its suppose to hit 90 here today :-P

Hugs Suz

Kyli said...

Hey Hay....I'd buy your book in a second..and ten copies for our mothah! (haha-get it??) I just caught up on the blogs, well done kiddo, you make a sister proud. Love ya!

The Humanity Critic said...

Cool post. Just passing through, great blog by the way.

Haley said...

Erin--Yeah it was raining yesterday..and the temp is starting to drop, just a bit. Hey, at least I'm not in's worse there. I think I had a dream I was in Texas and was looking for all of you..HAHA
Cassy--That's so great that you write too. I mean we must all be a writer in a sense..if we have these blogs..and they seem to be so successful.
Suz--Yeh I'm beginning to see how a person could get caught up in the internet. People without friends in the real world...having so many online. (and I'm not saying that's me.haha i have friends damnit.)
Mama--I already replied to you. But you're sweet so I'm gonna say HI.
Kyli, my sweet and beautiful sister--Thanks for finally reading my blogs..haha. Phone me sometime, a talk is in order. haha, bring out a few beers and call me.
Afguy--Yeah I'm doing alright. My email address is on your comments.

acumamakiki said...

I kept journals for years and was always very open about them, kept them on my bookshelf and felt that my roommates respected my privacy. Until 1 of my journals went missing. I wrote really private stuff in there, stuff that I shared with people but on my terms.

The journal went missing when I started dating the drug addict (didn't know he was one at the time) and to this day I KNOW he took it. He said somethings to me that he wouldn't know unless he'd read the journal although he swore he didn't take it.

I know he did though and I blindly loved that man so when I moved in with him, I threw out all my journals. 6 years of my 20's in San Francisco, into the garbage because I knew even then that he'd stolen it and I didn't want him reading anymore. Why I chose to go ahead and live with him, is beyond my thinking now but at the time, it made sense.

Now I'd love to read what I wrote ~ sigh.

Chubby Chocolate said...

Wow. That is so true about journals. I'm now going to follow your lead and try to write in mine as often as I can...As soon as I can find it! :-)

holli said...

I suck - I start journals and then I can't handle my own thoughts.. so I tear them up.

And I know exactly what you mean - there's only so much I can put on my blog because people are reading it.. I've thought of starting an anonymous one. But you know what - I did that.. and then deleted the whole damned thing.

I'm glad you met yourself again.

And if we ever got to get together for a drink.. you wouldn't have to look at me and look away because I knew you had hurt inside.. For some reason I'm the bartender of the universe.. everyone shares their secrets with me and it doesn't seem to bother them.. doesn't bother me.

Of course you know I think you're a little mini-Holli. :) I think I would just.. understand.

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