My Life In a Notebook

My journal is the love of my life. My blog is turning into my main priority and I have to watch that. I have had a journal since December 31, 1996. I vowed that day that I would write at least one page every day.. until I stopped. Well I haven't stopped. Sure I miss a day or two..or nearly a week. But I go back, remembering what I did that day...and write a page about it.

When I was younger I used to write each day faithfully and I had loads of stuff to write about. It helped me get along with my hard times..my awkward pre-teens and what not. I think that if any young girl or boy even is having a hard time, their parents should recommend a journal. I was lucky enough to have parents that completely respected my privacy. So I had no worries about them invading in on my thoughts.

But now I am slowly starting to slip and I think that this will continue to happen as I grow. Eventually I will just be too busy to find time to write in my journal as much. Plus this blog is sort of taking up all of my writing time. I am starting to wonder if I should just print these off and put them into a scrap book...and call that my journal. But I just can't rid the habit of writing in my notebook every night.. Lately I don't write every night because I am usually out doing something, or I get home and it's too late and I'm tired, etc.

This morning I had to get up earlier than I wanted. My mom had a dr's appointent in town and I had to go with her...and then straight to work. So I sat in the car with the heat cranked and I wrote in my journal for the previous week before. I loved every second with myself this morning. I think that everyone needs to do this every once in awhile. It's like I caught up with myself.. Like, "Oh hey, there you are. I haven't been around you in a long time. I've just been really busy living.." We all need to stop... and realize that we're still there for ourselves. Haha, it sounds ridiculous. But it felt great.

The timing was superb... My mom returned to the car just as I was writing the last line in my journal..
"what the hell is a girl to do.." The time spent writing my deepest, inner thoughts on paper was just what I needed. I can't reveal all my secrets on my blog because people actually are reading it. Maybe I could before...but not now. My feelings are too precious and important to be throwing around online for people that I may or may not want to read.. I try to be a secretive person...keeping my real feelings to myself. I'm told that this can be unhealthy. But when it comes to my writing, I usually let most of it all out. When it comes to my heart...I stay silent.

I've been too vulnerable in the past, too open to make things happen and I've worn my heart on my sleeve.. big mistake. I am more reserved...making it harder for people to get close to me. Defense mechanism. Maybe. Playing it safe. Yes. Unhealthy. Can be. Don't care. Damn rights.

I don't tell my story to any person I come across. Even though strangers...people I've never met read about some pretty intense words..right from my own life... It's not the same, as if I met any of my blogees on the street. I wouldn't just spill my feelings like I do on here. Somehow it's very different. Erin and Holli, Mama and Afguy they all know what's going on in my life.. But I don't have to "see" them in my regular day. I don't have to serve them coffee at the shop...look into their eyes..and look away knowing that they can see deep into my soul...at my past, at my hurt.

So I think I will continue to write on in my own personal notebook like I have for the past nine years. And maybe one day I can look back on it all and summerize it into a book.. Who knows, maybe people will read it... I mean, some people are reading this..