Monday, June 18, 2007

Peace Of Mind

Today is Father's Day.

Likely that I would think of Ruder. And I did.

Last year I put together a message in a bottle. Rob and I took it out to the ocean so that I could send my message to Rudi. I threw it weakly, and the tide was crashing in so it came right back to me. I didn't feel good about it so I summed that up as a sign and took the bottle home with me. There it sat on top of the kitchen stove.. for one year.

I had every intention of sending the bottle out once I felt ready. I wanted to make sure that I could let it go. Allow my symbol of Rudi out, without me clutching to it in a sense. The idea floated in my mind all day.

After work Rob and I went to an early movie in Nanaimo. On the drive home Rob played great tunes that put me in a calm mood. Once we were home I reminded him of my hopeful trip to the ocean. I changed into something I thought Rudi would like.

Rob took me to a nice secluded spot that we'd visited before. The sky was just about ready for lights out, but not quite. There were cruise ships glowing in the far distance and the waves were crashing on the shore. The wind was strong, but warm. It was a perfect place, a perfect setting for this special act.

I stood up on a rock and let the wind whip and swirl through my skirt and hair. I stood there listening to the crashing of the waves and the calmness in the wind's voice. He was there. All around me, in everything. The wind, the water, the sky..

When I felt ready I walked towards the water..let the liquid rush through my shoes and soak the bottom edges of my skirt. As I kissed the bottle and held it close to my heart I knew that I was ready. Ready to let him be free. Without any question or worry. He's okay. He's okay because we are. I know that now. I can let Rudi's death go.. allowing all of my fears to float away into an endless sea.

As soon as I let the bottle slip out of my grasp I felt sad.. but not the usual kind. This kind left me feeling at peace. I wasn't ready to let him go last year, it just didn't feel right. I needed to hold on just for another year. I'm glad I did. Today means a lot to me. Rudi doesn't have to feel like his death is holding me back. From being happy. From loving freely. From living my new life.

Happy Father's Day Ruder. You are always with me in my heart- in my love for others and in the way that I live everyday. You are my lesson learned, my inspiration and most importantly you are my daddy. And you always will be.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Write Me A Story Little Girl

As a kid I used to always play business.. Which included mom and Rudi's junk mail... an outdated daily planner from Rudi's work and lots of "Weldwood Pulp Mill" paper. Kyli used to play too which always made it more interesting. Her pretending was so grown up and believable to me. She was a whole whopping five and a half years older than me... So everything she did in my eyes was better.

Today I got home from work. The house was all clean and supper was made and cleaned up. So I was in pretty good spirits. I got to hold my favourite baby Judah after work today. Annette came in and I held him while she ordered some coffees and put them in the vehicle. He's an absolute doll. I feel like after I held him, I had my baby fix for the week. He just relaxed me so much. Rob was in the computer room making cd's. So I pulled my new laptop out of my new laptop case Rob bought for me! I hooked everything up at the kitchen table and I got a drink and my glasses and set those beside me. I felt like that little girl about to play business again! I told Rob, "you honestly made my dreams come true just by buying this for me!" It's true. There's so much potential that lies in this computer. It's that extra oomph to get me writing. It's the subtle voice of my subconscious whispering ideas into my thoughts. I love it. I just have to get on writing something, rather than in my blog. Every time I get that itch to write I write a blog. There's nothing wrong with it- but I really would like to get started on something, anything really.
So instead of being that 21 year old pretending to be a writer, I can actually do the real thing. And get on it!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Laughter with Love

Supper tonight: BBQ'd Smokies,Corn on the Cob, Potato Salad and Iced Tea! Rob looks very into his dinner...doesn't he?

There is fun in the air.. Rob and I are just a bunch of goof balls. We are just ourselves and I think that we bring out the crazy in each other. I am sure all relationships are kind of goofy. But I think we have more fun than most!

We keep things interesting and when we're with friends we make sure to keep our guests comfortable and to show them a memorable time.

We had Dan here again for the weekend. He seems to have a great time when he comes here. The boys are sure to always have fun because they've been best friends for a long time. So th
ey have that history plus they are both completely retarded. Seriously. Some of the stuff that they will do when they're together- is quite hilarious.

My point of this blog is that in any relationship it has to stay fun and interesting. Always have fun and life can be amazing. Laughter is the best way to live through life. Laughing and enjoying the people in it.

So here's a look at our life lately..

Dress up time! Holly and Dan were over.. We
were all drinking and the boys dressed up stupid..
so I wanted to join in too. Don't forget me!

Today- Rob got me to time him... to see how fast
he could eat his cob of corn! (Less than 30 sec..)

Friday, June 01, 2007

Wow, so much to say... and so much to show..

But as for now.. I am sitting in my living room, on my couch typing away on my BRAND NEW laptop. How did I get a laptop out of extra money in the present, past or future...

Rob's friend Dan is visiting this weekend. These two get together and jam their asses off. Rob taught Dan how to play guitar back in the day. So when they get together they live to play. Rob went to pick Dan up from the ferry this afternoon and I was just sitting at home, hot and bored. The weather has been phenomenal for the last few days. I love getting off of work early, but if I don't go to the gym before work these days, I find that I won't end up getting my ass there in this intense heat. So the boys get here after five.

Rob asks me to help him take his tools to the backyard. I'm sitting in the living room a little a new summer dress. I think that he should've asked Dan for help. But I shrug it off and follow him outside. He asks me to bring a flatter box I've never seen before into the house. At first I thought it was an X Box. I discovered Guitar Hero the other weekend and fell in love with it. So I thought Bob bought us one. But I was sincerly mistaken. It was THE gift I have been waiting for for Years!

I saw the little diagram of a laptop on the box. Even Dan said, "You knew what it's like you were acting you didn't know what it was.."

That's the truth. I had a feeling, once I saw the picture on the side of the box. But I just couldn't accept that I finally got one!

Writing is my passion, something I've always wanted to do. Now that I can just sit in bed and write whenever, where ever I feel like... I have no limits and most importantly NO excuse to not write. I was born to write...and here is my real, big chance.

When I opened the box I was in utter shock. Rob was so excited about it. He said that it was supposed to be a gift for my birthday but now it wouldn't be. He wanted my birthday present to be a surprise and knew it wouldn't be if it was the lap top I was hoping for.

I can write .... And I've never been so excited about writing like this in my entire life!!

Write on- and believe me, I will..