Monday, June 18, 2007

Peace Of Mind

Today is Father's Day.

Likely that I would think of Ruder. And I did.

Last year I put together a message in a bottle. Rob and I took it out to the ocean so that I could send my message to Rudi. I threw it weakly, and the tide was crashing in so it came right back to me. I didn't feel good about it so I summed that up as a sign and took the bottle home with me. There it sat on top of the kitchen stove.. for one year.

I had every intention of sending the bottle out once I felt ready. I wanted to make sure that I could let it go. Allow my symbol of Rudi out, without me clutching to it in a sense. The idea floated in my mind all day.

After work Rob and I went to an early movie in Nanaimo. On the drive home Rob played great tunes that put me in a calm mood. Once we were home I reminded him of my hopeful trip to the ocean. I changed into something I thought Rudi would like.

Rob took me to a nice secluded spot that we'd visited before. The sky was just about ready for lights out, but not quite. There were cruise ships glowing in the far distance and the waves were crashing on the shore. The wind was strong, but warm. It was a perfect place, a perfect setting for this special act.

I stood up on a rock and let the wind whip and swirl through my skirt and hair. I stood there listening to the crashing of the waves and the calmness in the wind's voice. He was there. All around me, in everything. The wind, the water, the sky..

When I felt ready I walked towards the water..let the liquid rush through my shoes and soak the bottom edges of my skirt. As I kissed the bottle and held it close to my heart I knew that I was ready. Ready to let him be free. Without any question or worry. He's okay. He's okay because we are. I know that now. I can let Rudi's death go.. allowing all of my fears to float away into an endless sea.

As soon as I let the bottle slip out of my grasp I felt sad.. but not the usual kind. This kind left me feeling at peace. I wasn't ready to let him go last year, it just didn't feel right. I needed to hold on just for another year. I'm glad I did. Today means a lot to me. Rudi doesn't have to feel like his death is holding me back. From being happy. From loving freely. From living my new life.

Happy Father's Day Ruder. You are always with me in my heart- in my love for others and in the way that I live everyday. You are my lesson learned, my inspiration and most importantly you are my daddy. And you always will be.


hollibobolli said...


This was such a special post. Obviously you don't need me to say that because you know it. I'm just glad I got to read it. I'm glad you got to write it - especially because you've made it to this point in your life. I know this journey has been a long one for you... but you've really gone about it the right way, if there is such a thing.

You've given yourself time to truly mourn the loss of Rudi - and to realize there are feelings that will fade, but some that will always be with you.. just like his memory and spirit.

Hugs and LOVE.


Anonymous said...

Beautiful Haley! Just beautiful! Hugs.