I don't even know how I've found time to write this post. Christmas is a really busy time once the family is altogether. Then again my 26 year old sister woke me up nice and early by laying directly on top of me..and laughing? How do you not laugh at a situation like that? But I find myself awake and it is still early, on my first day off; Christmas Eve. The two of them are outside smoking, mother and daughter. So I decided to blog.
My sister brought her digital, the only thing I asked for for Christmas may I add..and found out two nights ago that I was not getting. My mom's short term is the pits, so she forgot that I had asked for anything. Bummer. But we were taking loads of pictures and they turned out to be quite hilarious. I believe they are going to be sent to me after the holidays because they can't get them on the computer .. I don't know how it works. I am a bit behind on the digital cameras these days.
Last night the wine was uncorked and plentiful, shared between myself..and myself. Well, I did salvage one glass to my sister, unwillingly. It is Christmas.
I find that I am still a bit excited about it even though I would now consider myself an adult. I look forward to tomorrow morning when we'll all be up and ripping open presents together. I have never had a Christmas with both Kyli and Joe, so this will be nice and different. It's really nice to see my brother in the house. It just makes it more home having all of us here. Rudi is here too I bet and very happy to see that we're not sobbing our heads off in depression and self pity. I haven't felt sad yet about Rudi since all this Christmas stuff started. I mean, since Rob's been gone I haven't really broken down like I usually do. Then again, I might be holding back until he returns to do so.. I have NO IDEA how my little warped mind works.
There is a retarded amount of presents around here. Kyli and Joe brought three huge boxes worth of presents sent from Joe's family in Nova Scotia. How intense is that?? But it makes the Christmas an even bigger one. And I think it makes mom a little envious...and insecure about the presents she's bought them. But oh well..Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without the added stress of wonder and self doubt.
I know that blog land won't be very busy at this time of year, and if it was I'd truly think I'd be sad about that. If I was getting my digital I'd be documenting tons of pictures each day, but unfortunately the short term memory wins again.. Short term .. you suck.
Merry Christmas Everybody and I'm shooting for happier days to come this year..
I just returned from my first cookie party. I am impressed with the idea of such an event. I mean, how brilliant of a woman... make a few batches of cookies and invite others to do the same and to bring them..get together, socialize, drink, eat your faces off... and leave with all of your holiday baking. It's quite the clever, little idea. So cudos to whoever thought of that.
My first impression when I walked into the house was.."you're okay, you can do this.." and then when I walked upstairs to see.. No one that I recognized I was more like, "ahhh, run before anyone sees you!" But, I made it through the first forty minutes. Those minutes were a bit slow with getting other people to talk, or getting myself going. But after awhile, and only one 'special' coffee later, I was telling stories about hiking, Alberta, my license? my love for chips and not cookies (oops..hehe) and how much I am loving the island life. So it was all good in the end.
Rob's aunty and cousin were the ones holding the party and I felt that it was important for me to go, just to show them that I am comfortable enough to go and to let them get to know me a little bit better. Things like this are important and I know how important these relatives are to Rob, seeing as they are the only ones here on the island AND because he does love these ones very much. I was also invited along with my mom, so as to get her butt out on the social scene. But she must not be ready for that just yet. She should've gone because she may have met a few ladies that she could've gotten along with. But to be honest, the one that she would've liked the best would most likely be Rob's aunty anyway. So at least I know she didn't really miss out on a new friendship opportunity. I know that my mom will meet Aunty L. sooner or later.
I also felt like this was something I had to do... wanted to do because Rob's really important to me and I know he is really glad that I went and did this. The fact that he's not even here makes it an even bigger deal. It shows that he didn't have to kick my ass out the door in order for me to show up, because he's all the way across Canada.
I am doing much better than I thought I was doing, not having Rob here and dealing with Christmas. I've mentioned before that this is the best week for him to be away because it is the busiest week for me. My brother and sister will be arriving hopefully on the evening of the 23rd. I am very excited for their arrival because then it will truly feel like Christmas is here.
Rob mentioned to me tonight that we have one week apart and then he'll be home. I am glad that it's only one week but it also discouraged me. It feels like he's been gone for days..when really he left on... Sunday? It's almost like when you start a shift at work...and your two hours into it..and your co-worker says, "Wow you've only been here for two hours..you still have.. six more to go.." Ugghh, it's like.. Noooo I haven't checked the clock yet, and then after that you can't seem to keep your eyes off of it. That' s sorta how I felt tonight when he told me that. But that's okay.
He seems to be pleased with me from the stories he's been telling his family. This makes me happy, knowing that he's proud enough to talk about me lots to family and friends. It actually makes me REALLY, REALLY, REALLY happy.
Aunty L. called me sweetie and told me that she just loves me when I left tonight. There, the cookie party was worth it.. for that. I even stashed a present under their tree with a card to the whole family, even Nibs the dog.. and she didn't see it. So that will be a nice surprise for all of them. Plus! She loved me before the nice "fruits and passions" products that I bought them.. Hehe. I am so pleased that she Loves me and thinks I'm a sweetie. We even made plans to get together later in the week to do some..ahem (can't tell, Rob might read..) .. and drink some wine with a few girls. She said she'd love to join, so I'm gonna invite her no questions asked. She was only getting started tonight, but she looks like she could be a lot of fun.
Sooo, in conclusion, the night was great. I did this to meet new people, which I did. Get to know Rob's family better.. which I did. To get an assortment of cookies, which I did. AND to show Rob how much he means to me, which I think I did.
Today was the day that I took Rob to the airport and sent his tiny little bum back to his mama. I am sure she is quite thrilled, no, actually I know she is just overwhelmed with excitement with having her "golden boy" home. I am sure his sister is happy too, but is also rolling her eyes with all the attention that goes to golden boy when he returns. Believe me, there's a golden boy in my family and watch out... nobody messes with him according to mom.
I kind of lost my cool saying goodbye. But not only because I am a sappy wuss that is actually going to miss him but because of other reasons as well. First off, it was early.. so that means that I am tired, and that makes my mood... sad? Haha, okay okay I miss him because I really care about him. Secondly, this Christmas is going to be tough and I know that I have to face it all alone, even though my family is going to be here with me. My brother and sister don't arrive until Christmas Eve and leave on Boxing Day so... no offense to them..they're barely going to be here. For my third reason... I have my monthly encounter..which means I am Emotion Central, with every little thing making me tear up. So having my boyfriend go away for a tougher Christmas and have to worry about finding my way home in the dark, help with the tear flowage. And I think my main reason for being soooo sad is because part of me, a very stupid part of me in the back of my mind, thinks he will not come back. Even though I know he has to...all his stuff is here. But with the last one, he left me.. To be honest I think that wound is still a bit fresh and the situation is a bit similiar..but I know in my heart he'll return because he is nothing like the last. The idea just freaks me out a bit.
But enough about my sappy self, even though that is really all that is up lately. Christmas is here everybody, can you believe it? I can't. It crept up so quickly. It's only one week away and I still have just a little bit of shopping to do. And it's the most important because it's for Rob. We are doing our Christmas afterwards. Hello Boxing Day Sales! Though I'm not one for shopping on that particular day, but I might just have to make that sacrifice.
Here's to Christmas to come, cookies to burn for my cookie party coming and to staying positive this holiday time! WoopdeeWoo!
WoopdeeWoo? That one, I am not sure how to explain..it just came out. The legend..well that's a long story.. that only the golden boy knows how to truly tell..
Rob and I decided last Sunday or so to go for a hike. It was quite the work out for this ..untrained little body. Well, the sad thing was .. was that I had been swimming and running and was having a hard time breathing, while Rob is behind me..smoking as he's climbing up the mountain. He held his own embarrassingly well, compared to me. Haha, no we both did really great.
See we do these things together and I can't help but smile when I think back to it. I am proud in this relationship. I don't know if I've ever felt so proud in any relationship, well at least not this much. I am proud of who I am. My working up to feeling.. better about myself is helping as well. Rob isn't shy about telling me that I am doing well. Which is a great feeling. I enjoy him so much.
Last night we decorated the Christmas tree and he kept me focused on the task at hand. As well as the fact that I seem to automatically numb myself in these kinds of situations. Decorating the Christmas tree was always a big thing in our home. Kyli bought mom and Rudi ornaments that reminded her of them. Popeye, Big Bears ..etc. So naturally seeing all of these ornaments and knowing that Rob or I had to put them on and not Rudi, was tough. But I held on throughout it. .... until I returned to Rob's house. I snuck off to the bathroom when Rob was on the phone and BAWLED. Again.
But like I said, this guy is amazing and stepped up to the plate.. that was abandoned... and he took care of me. I love it when he does that. It makes me feel so much better. He holds me ... and holds me tight while my entire body vibrates with sorrow. I love that.
I know that I'll be okay without him this Christmas. I realize that it is going to be tough. But I think I can handle just about anything these days.. And No God, that is not a challenge..
I realize that I am a day late. But the important thing is that I still remembered the day of..
December 08, 1980 John Lennon was shot outside of his New York apartement by David Michael Chapman. Sad news, I am sure for most. I sure was sad about it even though John and I were never on this earth..at the same time..
Okay okay..I realise I sound nuts, but ... I really like him. I watched a lot of specials on John, and I was interested in the Beatles when I was younger. I will admit because I was copying everything the older siblings liked. But, not only did I like the Beatles, I found I had a special interest in John Lennon. He was just interesting.. he stuck out from the rest.
Of course he wasn't the typical lead singer in the sense that he wasn't the "cute one". McCartney was. Lennon was the ... different one. He was just an interesting person and I will continue to read about him and I am sure learn a whole lot more.
It is strange that a person has been dead for more than my very existence. I was thinking about that yesterday. How the hell can that even be imagined? I mean, everyone knows that the world was around before we were...but it's just a difficult thought to process.
Last night Rob, Alex and I paid a little tribute to Mr. Lennon.. We smoked in his respect and.. then later Rob and I listened to his cd laying in bed. I was skimming through some of his songs, because MAN Yoko sucks at singing...and he unfortunately has her in some of his songs. By the way, I refuse to even discuss my thoughts on her. I don't want to express them in this here..tribute. So yes, respect was granted for him yesterday, which I felt was important even if I am one little fan..
The guy is a legend again, Rob and I discussed this.. Was he a legend because he died? I personally think that being killed or dieing early on..is the best thing that could happen to a rock star's image. Sounds sick, but it's true. A person is so much more ... treasured, respected...once he is dead. And..in this society..we always want what we can't have.
The reason why I am so pleased with my fondness for Lennon, is the fact that not a lot of people LOVE Lennon. Well, at least not in my age group. Our age group's legend is Kurt Cobain, really. Which I don't know tons about..but am getting informed every other day .. by Rob. I am enlightening him on John. And I am getting to know Kurt a little better myself.
"Rob, this is my friend John. You may have heard of the band he was in.. He went solo though..you may have heard of some of his work.."
"Oh that's nice Haley. This is my friend Kurt. He invented grunge music..some people make a big fuss over him..."
If we were as cool as we thought...we'd be pretty fuckin' cool.
Jack Johnson. He's good. His music is a head bobber, a toe tapper. He relaxes me when I listen to him. If ever feeling anxious, I suggest a good Johnson song to bring you up.
Life lately, is turning into routine, which is nice in a not so new place anymore.. Apparently I live here now. Hehe, I like saying that.
I'm living my own life now. Doing what I need to do, for me. Selfish? Not so much. I look forward to the future. I think my car troubles are going to fixed..after this winter! Then I will be able to take myself wherever I feel whenever I want..night or day.. I love the idea of that. Freedom, true freedom.
I am getting Sundays off now, which is BEAUTIFUL! I want to do more active things on Sundays. I went hiking with Rob yesterday, which I must say was challenging. For a guy that doesn't do anything, he's in fairly good shape. Considering I have been swimming and running for a month now, and he was doing just fine.. Bugger. Some guys are just lucky like that. I can carry him on my back..that's how small he is. Haha..I mean light. He's not scrawny though..which is plenty nice to look at.
After I do anything, like running or swimming, I feel so energized, in control of my body. I am at 140 lbs..and I want to be able to turn the fat .. into muscle..definition. I don't just want to feel good, I want people to see what I've been trying to do... Let them see my reward.
I look forward to my life.. because my future has never been so unknown before.. I have no idea where I'm going to be in one year.. No idea what friends I will have.. where I'll be working and living. I love that. Apparently I've turned a little spontaneous.
My best friend Katelyn, hehe is 19 today folks! The youngest of the girls. And there were about seven of us at one point.. She's our baby. She's finally legal all over Canada. Though it doesn't matter in Alberta with the drinking age at 18. But Katie you are finally old enough. Soon we'll be planning trips into the states and you STILL won't be old enough, hehe.
Katie has and will always be here for me... She has been there throughout some of the most horrible things that have happened in my life. When I felt like my entire world had ended, she would be there. Or she'd be the one to come over to my house to wake me up.. get me out of bed and take me to Fusion, anywhere... just to get me OUT. She would buy my mom flowers when she knew she was having a rough day. She is a really considerate and thoughtful person. She was the only person that I actually said goodbye to when I moved. She stopped by the old house with a case of beer for mom and a bottle of pink poison for me. She knew us well. She was there for it all. I can say that I've been there for her, but not for it ALL. I wish I could say I was..
So today is her day. The day to celebrate her life here. For her being here and for her to live onto to continue to do great things for other people because that is what Katie does. She lives to cheer us up, she breathes to make her mama smile and to be her dad's company. She is here to make others happy and we are so greatful to her. I love this girl. She is why I am so strong. She is an example to me ... to not be a victim, but a survivor. We've all had our share of rough experiences and Katie doesn't milk that shit.
I am so happy for my girl because she is finally happy. She is proud of her life and I am too. This is a great person everyone..
November 26th... a month from today it'll be over. Christmas time will be nearing the end. I think we'll all feel relief instead of disappointment that it's already over.
Christmas has always been such a big deal in my life. I don't think I have ever been a grown up during Christmas time. Every year, being the youngest in the family I had the right and responsiblity to wake everyone up early. I made my mom get up in the middle of the night and put the presents out, so that it looked like Santa had come while we were asleep. I am not joking around people, I am a child at Christmas. Kyli would usually follow me but never was she first to have to wake me up. Lincoln will always be the last to trapes his ass out of his bed like we were punishing him. How can anyone be bitchy on CHRISTMAS? How is that even possible? Haha, see... a child.
But this year I fear that I just might not be the same little kid I've been for the last nineteen Christmas' before. First of all, we'll be here... in the boonies. The good thing is that Kyli, Lincoln and Joe will all be here. Lincoln's girlfriend, Jess will be with her family as will Rob. Maybe this is a good thing, seeing as Linc and I can tag along together and no one can feel left out. Second, mom isn't going to be very lively and I can understand that completely. But it might be a bit of a chore to keep her spirits lifted which could be discouraging. Traditons are a big thing with me and I'm pretty sure all the basic traditions we've had are all broken this year. Along with most of our Christmas spirits. But I am going to make an effort to keep myself happy. There won't be snow which isn't a bad thing, just different for me. What's Christmas without of f***in' snow? (I am Albertan, so it's going to take some time for me to adjust) Mom said since we're... 26,25 and 20.. that Christmas isn't going to be very big this year. And yes she's said that every year, but I know that this year... since her youngest is 20.. it is going to be like that exactly... small. Because I am a child, this disappoints me. Oh well. I am really big on the "at least we're all together for Christmas.." Because this is the first year where this is a very important detail.
Mr. Rob Junkala himself is going to be absent for our first Christmas.. which technically isn't our first..it is our... it ISN'T our first Christmas apart...haha, so far they all have been apart...but this is our first Christmas knowing each other...apart! WHAT? I am all messed up now. But I'm sure the idea is figured out.. I am happy that he is going home. He needs to. He needs to see his friends and his family. His house. This is a big thing. He "needs to party in his old house for the very last time." Cute. He took me to Hinton to get my shit all figured out.. the things I forgot about.. So this is his chance to do the same. Go home, see everyone he misses and do all of the things he misses, and bring his things back that he forgot about.. etc. I am also happy that he is going home because his family needs him. He needs to complete their Christmas by being there. Hey, I can certainly understand that.
Soooooooooo Christmas is coming. I'm not as freaked out about it as I was... up until I wrote this little blog.
Days off are nice. Nice for me to get some alone time. Time to think and most importantly, time to SLEEP IN.
Rob left for work early and I was pouting like a child. I didn't want him to go but also because I had some really stupid dreams. I dreamt that I was back with Paul. I was thinking to myself, as Paul is talking to me.." what about Rob...?" Paul said something like.." man it was so sweet...etc" I was thinking, in my dream.. "Rob would've said.. 'it was so deadly'..
Just those little things that make someone so individual. They're even apparent in my dreams. I was upset when I woke up, thinking that I was with him again, but instantly realizing that I was right where I wanted to be. I like those dreams, where you wake up, and feel better knowing that your life is what you want it to be..
The idea of love, what is that? I refuse to muddle up my relationship with that word right away. I only say this because I have done that so many times when in fact I didn't mean it. This time around, I want it to be real... I want to know for a fact that I am in love, before I go saying it. Lately, I have been getting these really strong feelings, and I haven't been ignoring them..maybe just setting them off to the side. I am not sure if we're ready for.. that word just yet. I will be honest though, this feeling is overwhelming and I am not really sure how to describe it..
Loving someone does frighten me I think. It makes me vulnerable and naiive. I refuse to be naiive again. I think that is because each time that I have been "in love" I have lost my identity. Especially with my first love, I just dove in head first..not looking to see where I'd land, not thinking about anything but him. For the time it had been nice, but now knowing how stupid I had been in that entire relationship, I won't do that again. Love is scary to think about, when you're not in it. But once you're lost in it, nothing else seems to really matter... That's the part that frightens me the most. Fearing love?.. is this healthy?
My mom said when she first met Rudi she knew that she would marry him. She also said the same for my dad. I can't say that I have felt that sudden urge when first meeting him. Being honest, because this blog is for me to write my inner feelings in, even though I know people read it... I will continue to be honest, fully aware that it is going to be known and this is okay as long as I can be honest with myself..
My feelings for Rob are right. We are really right for eachother. We do have fun and I think that he is going to be someone I will love one day. It's too soon to say that I do.. It's too soon to know in my eyes that we will be together forever, and also VERY naiive to say that as well. But things feel right and comfortable. I love being comfortable and I feel tremendously secure around him.
I needed to get that all out. I needed to write it out because it was KILLING me keeping that all in. Things feel right in my life and I will continue to live it the way that I have been in order to keep this feeling..
Rob and I have so much fun together. This is a perfect example of this... About an hour prior to this picture, Rob asked me to walk towards him... so I do this..and he flips me.. like a crazy man over his head onto my back, onto his bed. I screamed so loud! So this time around, I was somewhat prepared. My cousin Alex was the one taking the picture, preparing for the action shot.
There is the result.. My hair is flying in the air.. It's not like he was gentle when flinging my body through the air over his shoulder. Too funny.
My point of this post is to admit that having the right person in one's life is just the medicine. Ever since meeting Rob things have become a hundred times more interesting that's for sure. He's quite the character and a lot of fun to be around.. As you can see... from the pictures again..
It's really nice being around someone so supportive of what I am going through. Supportive is a really great way to explain what Rob is like. He just supports me, and tells me when he's proud of me.. which seems like a lot.. and that is so rewarding to hear. "I'm proud of you."
We just have a lot of fun together. Like when we think of things to do..when we're bored, we go to the pub and play pool together, or a game of darts. I have never been like this before in a relationship. I don't know if I was lazy, but I was never willing to do those kinds of things. But now I really enjoy it. He even mentioned how cool it was to be having a beer with his girlfriend at the pub and playing darts. I agree. We definetly are a cool couple. And when something bothers one of us, we just tell each other.. and the problem..as teeny as that may be, is resolved..and noted. I don't know, we're doing well. And I couldn't be happier with everything.
It's really nice to have found him so soon, after I moved here. I think we really needed each other. Now at least we can say we have one good friend here in B.C. (though we both have a couple of good ones..)
I'm proud to say that I am dating Rob and I hope that he is pleased with his new girl too.
A few pictures to show how beautiful where I grew up really is..
Like I mentioned in posts from before, Rudi is living and breathing through those mountains, and I truly felt that when we were passing through this time around.
The other night I was watching some home videos with Rob. Of course I knew that a lot of them would have Rudi on them and they did. I was really doing just fine, until the very last part of the very last video we decided to watch.. Mom had the video camera on Rudi and she was closing up the night.. saying Merry Christmas and telling Rudi to relax now that he was finished making the turkey dinner etc.. Then she said, "okay Rudi say goodbye.." And he's sitting in his chair (also on another post..) and he looks at the camera.. and casually waves and says "goodbye.." Oh my goodness. The effect that something so simple.. had on me was unbelievable. I lost my mind. I started crying and crying.. and I just couldn't stop.
I realized at that exact moment.. that I was going about this the wrong way. I was avoiding the fact that he was gone in my head. I was ignoring my memories of him and trying to put him on the back burner in my brain. Well this now I realize isn't very healthy. I miss him and I am really sad. I miss him so hard that it hurts. I miss him so much that as I write this the tears are forming in my eyes as I type. I can't avoid him anymore. I can't ignore him anymore. I have to just grieve I guess. No matter how miserable that makes everyone else around me, I guess this is what I have to do. And I really don't want to. I hate being sad and I HATE HATE HATE crying. I just think it's a waste of time and why should I let people see me cry, that's what they want isn't it... 'Haley's gonna crack sometime, she's been much to strong..' 'It's unhealthy that Haley hasn't broken down yet..' and the comments go on and on. No one has said this to me personally, but I know what people are thinking. (family members..)
I feel like they are just waiting for me to fall apart now and I don't want to. I don't want to be like everyone else and be miserable and difficult to be around. The only person that I truly feel comfortable enough around crying is Rob. This is because he didn't know Rudi and this way he feels badly for us because we lost our dad, mom's husband, etc. But he doesn't miss Rudi he just wishes he met him. This way I don't feel guilty about crying infront of him, even if it makes him sad... He can afford to be sad for me, whereas my family can't because they have to be sad for themselves first. Yeah, that's my crazy logic.. I wonder if it makes any sense ...?
So that's that. I'm sad. And yeah, it's totally okay to be sad. I have never felt this sad for a long time though. This is definetly a different kind of feeling than any other experienced so far since the ... death. (How do word something so sad, and tragic...? )
The videos are so hard to watch..not only because we see Rudi again. But because it reminds us of how happy he made all of us. How much of a light he was in our days.. how he made us all laugh all the time. He was a big part of our lives and I forgot that. I forgot what it was like to have Rudi around. He's never been here, in this house, on the island... I don't remember seeing him walk through the front door like I did in Hinton. Maybe that's why it's better we live here..maybe not.
I need to find a way to deal with this pain and I am having a difficult time figuring out how.. I'm sure it will come to me. He wouldn't just leave me hangin' like this would he..
I realized that home isn't Hinton. Up until this trip I thought that's what it was. The song, by Micheal Buble "Home" came on when I first moved here and it made me sad. Tonight I had a shower and heard it again but this time I felt great about the song. Hinton was just a place that I grew up in. Home is where family is. It's my brother, my sister, my mom and Rudi.
I realized that longing for home is something I will forever have to do. Home is where all our memories are made. I know that I still have the rest of my family to share new experiences with and I do look forward to them. But there will always be something missing in our home. Even when we start families of our own.. there will always be a piece missing... someone to miss. I realize now that that's okay. Home is where we all are when we're together...no matter where that might be. To me now, that is home..
Hard to concentrate right now on writing a blog.. So I leave you all with that little bit about what I believe to be home.. Hope it makes you all think.
Okay I went back to my home town Hinton, Alberta this weekend. There was one main reason when Rob and I set out on Friday night; to get my things from Paul.
But I realized that going back was meant to happen for a number of reasons.
First off, I realize how much more amazing this guy is. Rob has done so much for me already. But taking me back to where I used to live, over ten hours away one weekend to pick my things up from my ex boyfriend was huge. For Rob to have to see my ex and to have to see me see my ex for the first time... was a big deal. But he is mature enough to do this for me, jealous free and with so much thought. He wanted to make sure I was happy the entire time. He kept saying, "are you happy.. Is there anything else you want to do before we leave, anything at all, I'll do it for you.." This guy is so great and I am so proud that he did all of this for me.
I needed to go and get my mom's things from Paul. He was supposed to bring them when he came for his things. But Paul is such a procrastinater that we all knew this wasn't going to happen any time soon. So by us going, we got what we wanted and we were nice and decided to bring a few items for Paul. I brought him his guitar and some winter clothes, etc. But not everything because he can come for it himself. I stand firmly on that one. And I will not back down. My mom wanted to get her lawn mower and I really wanted us to have our Christmas tree in time for Christmas. It's bad enough mom wants to skip Christmas altogether but this way, now we have our tree back, so she can't.
Seeing Paul was different. He looked different. Rob described it as, "shameful". He looked like a puppy that just got into trouble... It was difficult to look at him. I remember we did the guitar exchange... I said, "here's your life back.." and as I said that he was saying, "my life!" So I am glad that we brought something for him. This way, we end up looking good. The exchange of things went well. I know Paul's girlfriend so she came up to me and gave me quite a hug. She was good about it. Kristen, Paul's sister was kind of sad..and My baby, Drake was asleep in his car seat. I was disapointed because I wanted to see him so badly. But Kristen later phoned me back and invited Rob and I out for breakfast with just her and Drake. YAH! So I did get to see my baby and he is great! I am going to post pictures of him later today or tomorrow. I am like a proud mother when it comes to this little guy.
Leaving the driveway, was my way of leaving Paul. Leaving Hinton was like leaving Paul, for good. And it felt bittersweet. Not because I want him back, but because we had something there in Hinton, but that's it. We have nothing anymore and it feels refreshing.
I saw his parents at L&W Restaurant by crazy chance. I couldn't believe it. I went up to them and they looked shocked but they both hugged me. Denise looked like I felt; tearful. But again, seeing the two of them made me feel really great about myself and my new situation. They were very pleased to hear that I have a new boyfriend. They truly are great people. For them to be able to be happy for me, is a beautiful thing. The visit was wonderful and short lived like the entire trip, which was also perfect.
I visited Rudi's mom and dad, my grand parents. They were excited and very shocked to see me. We took pictures and I really don't think I've ever felt so welcome. I think that my presence was like a piece of Rudi. They miss him and by seeing me, it was like having a bit of him there. They had their arms all around me in the picture which I will be sure to post. I just felt so great leaving their house, with Rob. They told him to take care of me, and hoped to see him again. (haha, grandparents are so funny because they're so literal.)
My girl Katie is looking absolutely fantastic. I couldn't be happier with what I saw of her this weekend. She looks great. Not only does she look hot as hell, she is genuinely happy and well I think her new guy, Eric has a lot to do with that. It was really nice to be back at the Bouchard's as well. Thank you Wendy for having us!! We really appreciated it!! Seeing Carmelle again was like old times. Not a lot has changed there in Hinton.
As we drove towards Jasper, I had a hard time. There are so many memories along that drive of Rudi and our family hikes. Rob stopped a few times for me to take pictures of the mountains.. It was tough leaving that behind because it was like a lot of Rudi is still there because I can honestly say that that is Rudi's favourite place in the whole world still to this day. He loved nature and his mountains. Rudi's spirit is clearly there as we drove through. Rob and I played on Rudi's pool table at Master's. We asked some guys if they wouldn't mind letting me play on his table and I showed them the plaque, and explained that he was my dad and I needed to play on it. So I did get a lot of the things I wanted to get done. Rudi was a bit of a "smoker" of the greens and well, I got to smoke a little myself in his old chair... won't get into detail, but it was special..
Hinton. The town itself is the same. Not only is it blah there, but it's also freakin' freezing. The temperature change is so drastic. My lips are so dry still. The weather in Alberta is gross and I am so glad that we returned to our little island last night.
As we were gliding over sheer ice on the Coquihala Highway, I said, "we're not on our little island anymore..." It's so apparent once we leave. I swear, Vancouver Island is Canada's best kept secret. I am proud to be living here and I am not looking back..
This is a saying that my friend told me about today. I was talking about how I have to keep myself modivated to run everyday. He shared this quote with me. I like it.
Today I ran for my sixth day, unfortunately not consecutively. But it felt really great to do it. The first day was killer but, I ran on and off. But today I ran the entire way only walking twice for a short time. I can't explain how amazing it made me feel when I got home. I was energetic and enthusiastic. I was very out of breath and sweating more out of anything. But it didn't last long. Like the first day I ran I was out of breath for a considerably long time. It just feels so great to know that it is actually working!
Running makes me feel so great. I think if anyone has the time to do this they should really consider it. Rudi started body building in his early twenties and didn't stop until months before his death, at age fifty five. I now understand why he did it. Well not completely because I haven't any physical results yet. Today I succeeded in running the entire way and I can't even begin to explain how proud I feel that I did it.
I kept thinking that I should keep my mind off the running altogether. If I think about it I remind myself that I am tired and want to stop running and start walking. But the entire way I kept my mind going on anything and everything. My entire life was flashing before my eyes, because I was making it in order to keep myself going. On the way back I kept on thinking about how tired I was. I thought about how great I am going to feel and look this coming summer. I'm going to be tanned because I live near the ocean and I plan on going to the beach everyday. I will have a flat stomach, great, muscular legs and long dark hair. ( growing my hair long and dying dark brown). I really look forward to the summer because *Rob and I are going to go to Tofino and I am going to try out surfing for the first time. I think I will really enjoy it and I know that he does. We'll be surfing, and looking and feeling GREAT!
I love that my life is turning around and that I am a new me. I am really serious about the exercising. When I can't run out here. I will go lane swimming with my aunty at the pool which is right across the way from *Rob's house. I am just really looking forward to looking better and not only that, but feeling better about myself as an end result. Exercise is very rewarding and I am excited about the new me that is sneaking into my new life.
I am home from being away for almost more than a week. I have not stayed home for what seems like forever. I have just been staying at *his house because we have been spending a lot of time together. I like being home but only for so long and then I get anxious to get back into Qualicum again. I guess I feel like I'm somewhat missing out on "life" .... when I'm out here in Errington. Maybe I should look into what that means, or not. Once I get back into Qualicum I don't have to do anything, but just being there is enough for me. Weird huh..
I can't really explain yet where I am going this weekend, but it is far... and it is damn well worth it. It is mom and Rudi's anniversary. 18 years they would've been married.. Once a person dies, I guess that means that the couple is no longer married. ' Til death do us part...?' Kyli and Joe are coming to stay with her this weekend so that she is not alone. I am releived to hear that. I knew that my timing was bad but I really need to go this weekend or it just won't work out. ( I'll explain after I return where I went and why..)
Kyli is a great person, always very considerate. But I know that Joe is behind this visit. When Rudi was dieing he really surprised me with his mature actions. He really pulled through for the family. And he really loved Rudi and I had never realized this before. Never. I am glad now that Rudi ended up giving Joe his beautiful guitar and not Paul. Not for obvious reasons either. Joe really deserved it just for the way he was about Rudi. He was just so good to him. It was almost like watching a grown man with a baby girl in his arms... the precious way that a man looks with a child in his arms..and you can see how taken back that man is to such a sweet little person. Well of course Rudi didn't resemble a baby girl, but the way that Joe handled him and talked to him, was just touching.
Joe and I have this fake Love-Hate relationship. I say it's fake because there is no hate in it at all. We poke fun at each other all the time. After partying in Vic that night I was running around without pants. ( I do not wear pants to bed..everyone who knows me, knows this..and has to deal with my pant less self at night.) Well he wound up so hard and smacked me right in the ass. My goodness it hurt, but I couldn't feel, with how drunk I was. But it's stuff like that. Next time I'll pull his chest hair really hard when I get a chance.. We get each other back. It makes for a more interesting visit. As well as entertaining for everyone else.
So I guess I can say that I dedicate this blog to someone I know will "make it" in the family.. To my one day brother in law, Joe Stewart. The hairiest bastard I know.
"Rudi likes celery... (long pause) but Rudi's not here anymore. Soo, life goes on... ( another pause) with less celery, and that's okay." ~My Mom
Sometimes the things that come out of her ramblings. I was laying in my bedroom and she literally does not stop talking to herself and that is something that popped out of her mouth. Kinda cute sometimes.
Today was tough. I woke up feeling quite horrible. Don't you hate those mornings where you wake up fully knowing that the day ahead is going to be rough just by the way your throat feels, or when you go to say something you sound like a frog.. I sure do. So I went to work and I was in rough shape. I didn't even have to tell my boss that I didn't think I could make the day. He just said, "my goal today is to get you out of here as soon as possible, okay.." How cool of a boss. I must admit, when push comes to shove the man really pulls through. He is very understanding in that way. By 12:30 some cold sweats and frog like responses to the customers later... I was outta there! The thing that got me was that he thanked me for coming in today. He said that we would've been screwed without me a few times this morning. He was happy that I toughed it out. I guess it was a good thing that I didn't call in sick. This way at least they all knew that I wasn't feeling good and they all didn't have to be completely alone this morning. It was pretty busy.
So I came home with my "soup to go" from work and downed that. The entire time I ate it at my kitchen table, which took me awhile because I couldn't at that point, breathe out of my nose.. I was still in my down filled jacket. My mom turned the heat up and I finally took the jacket off. A real nap was in order so I took one and just awoke a half an hour ago to the phone ringing.
Tonight nothing is planned and I couldn't be happier. I have to work at 8:30 tomorrow and I need to make sure that I am in better spirits for work. There's no way I want to drag my ass for a third day there. That would just be sickening to my co-workers. I work with a couple of sweet hearts. If they read this, which I know that they do not.. I would say THANK YOU to the good, understanding people that work out there.
For tonight I find my healthy self somewhere.. so that I have energy for the weekend.
Oh no. It has come this far...too far now. I have gone too far.
I am supposed to have respect for my mother just because of the simple fact that she is my mom. Yet, it took everything I had not to hit her...or push her out of my door way today. She always has to find a way to come into my room once I have left from an argument, to put my purse in my bedroom, or put an envelope on my dresser,etc. After I had left the fight..she had to come into the room again..and refuse to leave. I hate that.
All day I tell myself that I am going to be nicer to her. I am going to be more patient. As soon as I get into the house, all of this goes away. Instantly. It's sick really. I honestly do think about how badly I am treating her, after I am finished. Or after the damage is done. This damage is done and it is ugly. Things will never be the same I don't think. I mean yeah, we'll forgive each other but things have been said. The things that I have said to her... are ugly. I shouldn't be able to speak to her this way.
I am upset because I hate how my mom is such a push over. People walk all over her and she lets them. Yet, I am the one walking all over her now. And there's no one to stop me? But me. So I have decided that I need to get better. I am thinking about getting some help. Maybe just by talking to someone about what makes me so crazy about her. I almost am not exxagerating when I say everything that comes out of her mouth.... annoys me. Almost everything. How horrible is that? She's my mother for god's sakes. This is not a good thing.
After our terrible outbursts, I flew out of the house yelling "grow up!" and she's yelling "get out!".. I went for my third run in three days. (I will get into that on another blog). I was so upset, so of course I found myself talking to Rudi. I nearly tripped over a freakin' SNAKE. I screamed and kept talking. I was more upset than mad. I did the entire, "it's your fault! why did you have to leave?!" deal that I do when I'm frustrated. It's like when we fight, I feel like it's his fault because we're both so frustrated about everything that we explode at eachother. Me more so than her though.
It's just that all of her attention is on ME now. I am at that stage where I am almost out the door on my own..but forced to stay back because of my situation, knowing that I can't live on my own successfully. I want out! I'm sure she wants me out too. No I know she wants me out too. Now it's like our relationship is spoiled. Like when friends decide to work together. We spoiled it. Or should I say, I spoiled it.
I didn't get any answers on my run. Well I did. I need help. I need to not get so angry with her.. I need patience. I know what I need, the hardest part is trying to .. do these things.
I read all the mommy blogs and I admire how much these women think of their children. And then I feel guilty because I realize that my mom felt that way about me when I was a wee baby. She still feels that way about me. And what have I been doing all this time? I've been really cruel..
But she hasn't been all that great either. She repeats everything she says to me... ten times every other day. She constantly is on me.. If I rinsed my plate and there's bits in the sink (not a lot, I'm not a pig) she'll get all frustrated over it. I can't cut a piece of cheese without her telling me what knife to use and that I need a cutting board. I am going crazy! I need space, even though I've had it.. I am barely ever home. I need her to lay off me and I need to become a lot nicer.
My trip to Victoria was intensely anticipated. *we didn’t think that we were going to get there it seemed, but finally we did. *He got along really well with my sister and Joe. They had lots to talk about while Kyli and I did our routine "squacking" in the bathroom, the bedroom, the kitchen, the balcony... My sister’s place isn’t very big but we always find ways to be alone to catch up on lost time.
They had previously reserved a big table for us at Darcy’s Pub. This is a great little pub right on the harbour, in downtown Victoria. At first I was disappointed having wanted to show *him Times. (Irish Times) But once we entered Darcy’s we knew that it was clearly a place for us. There was a huge big screen with the hockey game on! *He was in. We sat at a huge, wooden table that reminded me of camp. It was so big and it could fit like 30 small kids at it. We ordered drinks..and LOTS of food. I usually don’t eat when I’m at a bar..but in this case it seemed like the right thing to do. Lucky for me I did because even after allllll of the food, I was still pretty tipsy at the end of the night.
After the game, which the Canucks won again. Ugghh. (I should be happy for them, I am... but part of me wants them to lose?? Haha) The band started up. This was a great cover band that I actually had seen play at the Rod last year when I was just visiting the island with Rudi. This band can get the crowd going I have to say. *He really enjoyed the live music I think. He kept saying, "this is going to be me in 1 year!" *He really has ambition to start up something himself with his own musical talents. I think he has it in him too. I wonder if anything will come of it. I certainly hope so.. It’s nice to follow your dreams and even better to succeed.
I have to say, I was wearing a very hard to keep up top. Bad wardrobe choice on my part. I figured since I was wearing a zip up hoody..I could conceal them. But the band was playing some pretty hard stuff and I was forced to jump up and down like a freakin’ idiot. At this point, my sister who was quite a lot more intoxicated than me..was wide eyed and constantly pulling my top up for me. Oops. Only ONCE did I lose it completely revealing a perky, bouncing breast. Only ONE. That counts for something, right? At this point, I zipped up my hoody and decided that this was it for the halter top idea. (Took my drunk ass long enough.)
*We did have a really great time. We made some new friends, or acquaintances rather. But this was our first real partying that we shared together. I think there will be many more to come as time comes and goes. We were both very excited that everything went well. We both trusted each other, had a great time sitting together and chatting it up, dancing like losers on the dance floor that was ridiculously packed. I don’t worry about him checking out other girls because I trust him. He said he thinks it’s great how I handle guys when they appear to be hitting on me. I’m not a bitch, I’m not a flirt but I "let them down gently". Haha.
My favourite time of the night is when we were walking back to Ky and Joe’s apartment and there was a bum playing the guitar. *He insisted that I give the man some of my change. I gave a little. He’s like, "Haley give him some more!! I know this song!" Then he stands beside the man and starts singing along to the song as loud as he can. Of course he sounded really impressive, but I had to literally drag him away. I know that if I hadn’t he never would’ve left this bum’s side. These are the little things I like about *him. He’s a nut. I’m pretty goofy myself. I think we’re a good match. We get along well, and I love it when a guy can make me laugh. And recently I love it when a guy can surprise me in so many different ways.
This is basically how I felt last night. Clinging onto..something that I wanted there..that wasn't.
I don't know... last night I just let go.. I didn't want to ..but everything I felt had been bubbling up inside me that it was about time that I finally burst into tears.. So I did. I cried..
I hate crying. I know that I always say, "it's okay to cry.. it doesn't mean that you're weak, it means that you're human." Funny how I can't take my own advice though. I just feel like if I cry.. it's like I want whoever experienced me crying's pity. I hate pity. That's what I will not stand for. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I want them to respect me and sort of have a silent understanding for why I am the way I am that day..or always.
I can say now that it felt really good to cry and let it all out. I still did feel stupid and hope I didn't scare *him. Though I don't even need to say that..I know that I didn't. He was really good about it and just held me while I bawled my little head off. (Like I look like I am about to do after that picture was taken. The man used to throw me up in the air and I HATED that..and I'd wrap my arms around his neck and be like, NOooooo I don't like that.) Rudi would've been proud of how well *he reacted to me while I was upset. Rudi would approve I think. He would know that *he makes me happy and that *his intentions are good. That is all Rudi ever really cared about. That the guy treats me right and is a good person. Rudi was the best judge of character. He was always very understanding when it came to people. I want to be like that.
I guess even I think about him, yet I... faze him out. How I do it, is beyond me. I think of something else.. But every once in awhile I see his face in my head. Like the other night I suddenly saw him in my head shaking his head..like he wasn't approving. It really bothered me and I thought waaaay too much into it. But it's little things like that.. he just is always there. Even if I am trying to avoid thinking about him..he always finds his way into my thoughts.
I miss him. I don't understand the world..but I'll go crazy trying. I know that this is where I belong..and this is where I need to be in my life right now. So I don't try to understand it.. I just live it..
I guess I just felt insecure because I feel like all the significant men in my life leave me. I know this is silly because of course they don't intentionally... well some do.. but not the really important ones. I came to the conclusion that I am terrified ... like that sick feeling in my stomach terrified of being left behind or abandoned. I feel like in the last little while, this has happened to me. I just wish that there was some way in which I could avoid this happening to me again, but I know there isn't. I just have to trust in the people I meet or am around and have faith that they too won't do what the men in my past have done. And when I say men I include the exs'.. Not only is it disappointing, but it hurts beyond hurting. I don't feel like hurting anymore for a while. So I guess where I am at in life is a good and healthy place for me. Right by my new boyfriend. Fresh life, fresh start.. new beginnings.
Things are moving along quite smoothly in my new found relationship. But of course, if this is going well, other things must not.. It's just the way that life works. I can honestly say that the bad in my life right now, shouldn't even be considered all that bad though. Just enough for me to wince..and maybe complain a little to my mom about. While she has something she can complain about too...
There is a small fee that the government will send a widow, or whatever to help with the funeral costs when someone has passed. But she just received something in the mail claiming that she'll have to consider that as income... and she'll be taxed for it at the end of the year. She can not work with her back disability, she is literally unable to. She's starting to panic a little bit, just because she doesn't know how it all works, etc. And she's never been the calm type to begin with. Bummer. I hate that the government is still making money off of Rudi and he isn't even alive anymore. Bastards. I guess that's how they make their money.... off of the dead people. Sounds so criminal...
And for my little hardship.. I just finished paying over four hundred dollars on my cell phone because I was using it primarily since we moved here.. And now I just received last month's and apparently, even though I thought I was being careful.... I have wracked that bill up over five hundred FREAKIN' dollars!! This is no good. I wish I could just throw the damn thing up against the wall. Too bad I have a two year plan with them. Fuckers. I enjoy the convenience of it...yet, I can not afford the price it pays. My goodness. At least I live at home, right? I don't have to pay rent ..so all that I earn is for me.. and my cell bill..and Mastercard.. But I will be able to catch up eventually. I was just looking to buy a car very soon. My last two cell bills could've bought me a car... an okay, running car!!! My freedom...blabbed away like an idiot by ME. How inconvenient.
But I am finished complaining. I don't have much reason to complain these days. EXCEPT!! The oilers are sucking ass. And it is making me very angry. A losing streak..you could call it. They only won...I believe their game against Vancouver...which was important for me. So that I could rub that in the faces of all the fans that surround me here. But now, the Canucks are winning and my team is sucking. In MY face.
Oh well. I am still very joyous. I've decided Rudi will live through me now. I will try my best to remain positive and cheerful regularly..even when things tend to bring me down..such as huge, insane cell bills, taxing on my dad's death and... Edmonton's losing streak..due to my purchasing an expensive Oiler's jersey and jinxing the team. haha I will remain happy go lucky... layed back kind of girl. That's the new me and I like it.
And by the way I have a friend that I used to work with at the BW in Hinton. I introduced her to the blog world. She has started up a new one. She's a great lady.. Single mother of three GROWING boys. If any of you would like to check out her site...feel free to..
I love days off. I had my second one today and I go back again tomorrow. I promised myself that I would sleep in but I haven't, not even once. Oh well. I like getting up somewhat early. I woke and had myself the most amazing shower in the world. This a claw tub..with the shower curtain that surrounds the entire tub..no walls. My GOODNESS this is like an orgasm in a bath form. The shower head is massive and has so much hot, steamy water pouring. It was probably the best way to wake myself up on a dreary, rainy, smug day off.
I like that I can vocalise my insecurities.. and get answers that I need to hear. I am just lucking out when I get the answers I am looking for. It makes me feel so happy to know that I am not wasting my time. I love to know that I am doing something good with my life right now. Friendships are good, but they don't fill that void..
I feel full of life.. I feel excited about my days. I wonder waaaay into the future like most girls do. I wonder about things that shouldn't even be entering my mind at this point. But it's fun..and hell who said I can't have a little fun?
Knowing that certain people read this... holds me back from really writing how I feel. There are some people at home in Hinton that read it.... and I wonder if my life is being discussed..? I hope not.. I hope that what people read on here.. is something that they can respect and know that it isn't something I would appreciate being talked about.
I am happy. I am just really excited about my current situation because it is so new. I don't feel as afraid of it as I did either. Things were discussed between us and I couldn't feel better about the situation.
I confided in my angel cards last night.. and I got.. "Self Acceptance".. and "Soul Mate".
Now I'm not jumping to conclusions..but, these are pretty dead on cards for me to be getting. I NEVER get the soul mate card, never, never. I was also feeling really insecure about myself..like I always do in any new relationship.. so the self acceptance card was perfect..just telling me to accept myself as the angels and "god" see me. I am perfect in their eyes, therefore I should believe that I am perfect the way that I am. Again, I feel better having a little talk with *him and I do feel a lot more confident. Self Acceptance~ "You are a perfect child of "god" and every part of you is wonderful. Your angels guide you to let go of negative self judgments and to enjoy being you!"
"Although you enjoy having high standards it's important to view yourself through loving eyes. Berating yourself only makes your spirit sink. Self improvements come from a positive mind set. "
Soul Mate~" Your prayer for a soul mate relationship has been answered. Follow the guidance that you receiveso that you may enjoy this gift of divine love."
"Your heart yearns for a big love. Since you are on the spiritual path, you desire a partner with a similar philosophy and common interests. Can you have great passion and spiritual companionship with the same person? The answer is yes. "
These cards are amazing and so right on with how I am feeling lately. I think that everyone should consider getting a stack of these..because they are just so therapeutic.
Doreen Virtue, PH.D - Oracle Cards. "Healing With The Angels"
" The next time someone says, 'isn't a girlfriend something you have in highschool?' I'm going to say, ' a girlfriend is what I wake up to every morning, and I love it."
Yes, these are words from *him *himself..
I am a happy girl. I found someone that likes to watch hockey with me, that completely intrigues the hell out of me. I can't for the life of me, think of anyone that I've met that even resembles some of these traits in my entire life. I've been swept. It's as simple as that really.
We both joke about how much we hate lame-ass couple stuff, like double dating and people that are all over eachother in public. I can't express this enough, we consider ourselves a couple, only if it is understood that we are not to be categorized as the lame ones. When we were out with another couple.. (had been asking us to go out with them a few times...) *he was being such an ass. We thought of pet names to call eachother to poke fun at our friends. I apparently..somehow am "Raspberry" and he was "SugarBum"... but I've changed it to "Fruit Loop."
Fruit Loop because he is the craziest guy ever. He's really goofy, yet sexy and mysterious.. I don't know how it works, but somehow it does. After spending the last few days with him, I am beginning to get to know him more and more.. and I like it.
His music. Wow. This *one has talent. Talent that I can't describe. His voice is so sexy... his ability to basically play anything I request is so impressive..yet, he doesn't show off at all. God, modesty is sexy. I am completely intrigued with his gift to play and sing. I stare at his hands...in awe as he plays.. I admire the veins in his neck when he hits hard notes.. his arm strumming away.. He's a great package.
His passion is what gets me the most. He has such passion for ... certain things. His family is very important, and I love it. His baby sister is the world to him and I LOVE that. His love for his sister reminds me of my brother's love for me. So right there, I know what kind of a brother he is.. a damn good one. His mom is the world to him, and I can see that as well. His buddies that he left behind are talked about often and with such expression. He smiles at the mention of one of their names. It's great. And his BEST friend, she is someone special in his life... and that's great that he has that. His music. The way that he plays his guitar is filled with so much feeling and emotion... He loves it and I can see it.. and I love it. I just admire his passion for everything that he loves in his life.
So there it is. I am hooked. Swept... I'm in and I feel so good about this..
Tonight. Tonight I am planning on going out on a date. We are going to dinner, decked out in beautiful outfits..to dine in one another's company.
I have made a date with Alex. We are going to a nice restaurant and I told her that I wanted her to be really dressed up. I am contemplating wearing my prom dress, just to be funny. But I don't think I have it in me just yet. I might even wear a nice dress, but put my oiler's jersey on over top. Hehe
To all the pervs that are requesting the penis pumpkin pictures..I am afraid to tell you that it is too late. The pumpkin has been tossed...by my aunt. I am unable to .... wait... Maybe she didn't just yet. I'll check tonight and if it's there..I shall take a picture of it for all of you. I will also take a picture of my winning pumpkin too.
My sister's 26th is next weekend.. And I am going to Victoria. Well I believe *we are going and *he can meet my sister and her boyfriend. Yah!! I am really looking forward to it. We're going to get shittered. Good times I say.
Soooo I am off for an interesting enough evening. I hope to meet up with *him later on, as sickening as that sounds... Like I haven't been around *him enough. Oh but it's just the beginning and it's only going to get more sickening. The feeling in me is strong...and with each passing day it's getting even stronger. Here's to my bruised, glued together.. barely beating broken heart!! A little dramatic..but good effect..
I have not been around..to update. SO weird, but at the same time.. It means that I have actually been busy for the first time since I moved... that didn't include work at all.
So, what you may ask did I do for my three days off...?? Got to know *someone better.. Isn't that the fun part really? I mean, getting to hear a new story, different history. It's different and I have decided that different certainly is better. Suddenly I feel blessed for being dumped. I can't imagine meeting up with this *one and having a boyfriend. My days were really great and they weren't even all that eventful. That's the beauty of it, isn't it? Spending time..with *someone...doing nothing and somehow it is all you could ask for..
Going back to work was a shame.. Just makes me look forward to my next days off that much more. I look forward to what my future holds...but I am also a little leery.
I can't live my life..in fear of getting hurt again, though. Everyone gets burned..everyone. All hearts have been broken...in some form or another... A heart that isn't broke does not exist in this world. A heart is meant to break. As horrible as that may sound. It is the truth. I just hope this *one doesn't do that to me. Who knows..
Love As If You'll Never Get Hurt. That's a saying I have up in my room. It' s something I have to remind myself of. My friend is in the military. It makes me very uneasy and I have told him that I fear that he could get killed once he has to go over to Iraq, or wherever... who knows by then.. And he tells me .. he could die crossing the street.. And yes of course we both know that his chances of dieing in a war are a lot more likely..but he does have a point. I mean, living in fear of getting hurt emotionally would honestly make a person mental..or at least really hard to get to know. I'd be a damn hermit. Hiding away in a cave somewhere... cursing people that hiked by..thinking... don't talk to them..they'll HURT me. haha. Went a little off there. My friend had a point. He always seems to know what he's talking about. He's a good friend. And he's right. He could die doing anything.. and that fearing for his safety isn't something I should do too too much...though that is impossible. And everyone knows what I'm talking about because of Perry over in Iraq right now. We're all worried about him. But all in all, when our time comes... we go..no matter what. And hurt will come when it is meant to..and we can't do anything about that either.
Hurt comes, but it also goes... And I can enjoy not being hurt for the time being.. Enjoy the peace and harmony in my life while it is here..
Things are happening rapidly right now. I blink and suddenly... another great thing has happened for me. I can't help but smile, all the time. I just feel on top of the world.. I feel refreshed and new.
Last night was our 2nd Annual Pumpking Carving Thanksgiving Feast at my auntie's. I was pleased to see that my aunty as usual, made lots of dips, and bought spreads for crackers. I was also pleased to have bought a case of beer to share or not... The Vancouver and Edmonton game was on. It was ON. My cousin and her dad are huge Canucks fans. They both had their jerseys on and Alex even had her Canuck's ball cap on. I believe that I had nothing of the sort on. I am planning on going into Nanaimo on Tuesday to purchase an Oiler's jersey of my very own. I feel like I have to represent for my team here on the island. I may get beat up but... I am willing to take it for the team. Haha. So the turkey was made..table was set.. our fingers were clutching our beers as we yelled at the tv. I think my aunty planned it this way... supper was during intermission. I think that we were resembling Erin and Holli's tv zombies. The dinner was extraordinary. I loved every second of it. I ate sooo much food, but it was hard to keep up the drinking. But I did, of course. The game was very close and both teams pulled their own. It ended in a shoot out and well... we won! Again.
The pumpking carving went well also. My mom carved an evil looking creature...and my aunty tried to carve a profile of a person smoking a cigarette. Believe me if she had told me this was her plan, then I would've warned her that she isn't talented enough in the "arts" section to pull this one off. The pumpkin ended up looking like a penis with a large bag. HAHA. We had a first place, a runner up (aka FIRST loser) and the loser. My gran lost last year and was sure that she wasn't going to this year. She laughed in my aunties face..saying, "you will lose this year hahahaha". Then, I carved my step dad's face. He was the kind that was pretty easy to capture on a pumpkin if you can believe that. The candles were lit and the judge arrived. (Alex's best friend, Miss Angie.) She decided that Alex's cute face was a second place...Grannie's was the loser! And MINE was the winner. She never knew Rudi but said, "we like the guy with the glasses". I was ecstatic..(over a pumpkin) !! Rudi and I won! I got a five in one screwdriver and a mini tape measurer for my key chain. Good times..good food..dammnnnnnn good game!
The evening ended with *someone that makes me smile just thinking about him. So all in all, my Thanksgiving was all I could've asked for..
My day went quite well at work. I've worked my little butt off for the last couple of months and it has payed off. I got a raise! I will not go on to share how much I make because it is peanuts, but it is enough for me right now, to live off of. Hehe, living at home has many benefits.
I am excited. That is what my post is... I am finding myself anxious, but a good anxious all of the time. Anxious for a phone call or a "get together.." I am excited about getting up in the morning, again. I mean, of course I served a purpose before, but it just is more exciting. I don't just work .. I have something to look forward to after a hard's day of work.
ALSO.... Hockey is back!!!! I am very excited about this. I wasn't at first just because since I moved, I don't get to see the Edmonton games, I get to see the Vancouver games. Now the Canucks are a good team, but Edmonton is MY team. I was born in Alberta, closer to Edmonton than Calgary. I am a fan. I don't know the names of all the players, I don't understand some of the calls... but I do love watching the games. I enjoy when we score a goal and when we get into fights.. I enjoy the OverTime games, especially when we win. The Oilers have had a rough go but I think this year it just might change. My ex used to LOVE Colorado and for some reason I hate them.. I don't even have a good reason. I just do. So when Edmonton and Colorado would play we'd be on opposite couches..doing victory dances to the other whenever our team would score. Good times. The other night, I was watching Vancouver play..which they won, by the way. And I wasn't really into it. I mean, I was into it just because it was the first game since the strike...and that's exciting. But at the bottom of the screen it says that the Edmonton game is playing on Ch. 77!!! I couldn't believe it.. It was the third period..and Edmonton was leading.. I believe 3-2. They were playing Colorado..hahahaha and then Colorado scored..with ten minutes until the end of the game. Shit. I was yelling and I was cursing and my mom was asking me from her bedroom what I was doing.. Then... it was all over, Edmonton scored and I was so excited. It's different when it's your team. My heart rate is up, and I wince whenever the puck goes near our end zone... I am angry and yelling at the players.." REBOUND. Why wasn't he there for the rebound shot..fuckin' morons.." Then we score and I'm like, " YES YES YES!! I love these guys!" (I have to admit..I did the yes, yes, yes the other night watching the game when we won..and it did sound pretty similar to "When Harry Met Sally" orgasm. You all know what I'm talkin' 'bout...) So I love my team and I am hoping that I can watch them more here because shit, it makes me really happy.
The excitement..again. It keeps finding me these days and I love it. I love that a hockey game put me in such an energetic, positive mood. Well, now let's be honest, the hockey isn't the only exciting thing in my life right now. But for now, that's all I'm going to get into detail about.. the hockey.
Hmm, thinking back.. Waaaay back... to my first love.
We haven't been together for over four years now. But I can't help but remember some of the good things about the entire relationship. He was my first love and I don't think that that First Love...overwhelming, breathtaking, emotional feeling will ever come back? Am I just naiive? Or was that it? I really hope not. I just know that the feeling came back .. but only for a little while with the other one.. I just can't help but wonder. He always said.. " I'll find you someday and we'll be together again." I don't want him back but I want that In Love feeling back. Who knows..
I wonder what he is up to these days...and if he is doing better with his life. I hope that he is in a healthy, non-drug related relationship with someone great. I hope that he is living a happy, successful life or at least is close to it. I want so many good things for him now. That must mean something... someone who hurt me beyond hurt ... and I want good things for him. That must mean I have learned from the relationship. I can forgive him, but not what he did to me.. or how he treated me..
I miss being young and in love. Even though at the time, it wasn't glamorous AT ALL. It was pretty bad at times, but some of the good times were always completely blocked out of my memory..by ME. It's funny how I do that.. how I am doing it. I can't believe I can actually block things out, by putting them at the back of my mind to be dealt with much, much further down the road. He hurt me in so many ways, but now I can remember the good times we did share and laugh about them..and learn from them.
Kirk helped me grow. He is a big reason why I am the way I am today. I am a much, much better girlfriend than I ever was with him. He was my first real boyfriend and I sure wasn't a candidate for #1 Girlfriend. Though, I don't think that award ever would exist. We're women...we're high maintenance..to a lot of men, I mean, ALL men that does not deserve an award. Haha. He helped me. Period.
I am no longer holding onto our memories... I am remembering them and enjoying them. He was quite the character..with faults... but man his good qualities were awesome. Total goof, total brat..always bugging me..teasing me.. The memories are so vague once I sit and try to remember exactly.... It's been so long I am not sure what it was like to be with him. Maybe that is a good thing, really.
That naiive, little, inexperienced girl is now no longer... he had something to do with that.. Today I am stronger, more independent, a little more experienced..(hehe) young woman that is on START ... in her game of Life.
(Picture is of us at his prom 2002.. at Jasper Park Lodge..even you can all see the fairytale I was living...well I thought I was living..)
This blog I am dedicating to my mom. Today is a big day for her. I don't think she really realizes it, but I do. I got her to start her own blog. She is not very good with the whole computer thing yet. She's still pretty slow at it. But she is a great writer. I always noticed this in her cards on birthdays or anniversaries..she has a way with words. She is talented with sharing how she feels..on paper. Hmm, suddenly I am realizing where I might get my talent and love for writing from. I think that she has taken a giant step by entering the blog world. She is intimidated with the idea of it because it is way out of her comfort zone, to share her feelings with just anyone. But I assure her that you are all wonderful people that will enjoy hearing what she has to share. I have been reading her Afguy's blog daily, which she always enjoys. I have been showing her Holli's videos of Faith that I am overdone excited about being able to see. She has seen Mama's kids and Suz's Connor. (cause he's so freakin' cute how could I not share him with her!)
She hears all of your comments and I can see that if she had this..this support, she would feel a lot better about her day's and night's. So I am getting her out there. It is her turn to have some friends. She needs people to converse with, and I have a feeling that this is just the trick. My mom is somewhat reserved because she doesn't like to go out and meet people on her own. She's afraid of it. I am a lot like her, but it is easier for me to meet people than it is for her. So I again think that this is a great step in her healing process to be able to share her feelings and memories of her husband, her life...with all of you.
So I introduce all of you, to my mother, Kim Wirth. www.kimwirth.blogspot.com I am afraid I do not know or care how to do links. So this will just have to do. And please feel free to check out her little entry for today and to let her know that you were there. Thanks guys!
The world works in mysterious ways. Just when I thought things would never look up, they suddenly have. I think I deserve a bit of a break and some happiness these days. I am floating on a cloud as we speak. My outlook feels different suddenly.. and I feel amazing.
The world is singing beautiful lyrics to me.. making me feel new, whole... just allowing me to be happy again. I didn't realize how great it feels to be happy. I've been waiting for a chance for me to get to this point, since... everything.. and I feel now like it is finally here.
All of this time anticipating *something.. and now that *something has arrived, full on.
The sound of someone strumming on a guitar makes butterflies fly in my stomach. My heart beats faster, to each chord that is played.. The atmosphere changes and I am so relaxed and at ease with myself, with my situation, with the world..
It feels great to be back on track.. to be out there. Finally out of my unhappiness and into what I feel like is the best thing that could happen for me right now...
Today was very busy at work. Who would've thought the entire population of Qualicum Beach would visit Bailey's? For some reason it is supposed to be slowing down, but apparently we have a good reputation because the people keep coming in. I enjoy days that go by so quickly.
We all think that it might begin to slow down a little bit, but suddenly an african american man with the deadliest grey, more like white dread locks comes in with his guitar at hand, telling us that he has permission to play his music outside of the cafe'. We double check and yeah, he is supposed to be playing. Peculiar, but true. Then he decides that he wants to sing inside because he's afraid that it might rain and he only feels comfortable performing when he himself is comfortable. Yeah okay, whatever, come on in. This sure brought in the crowds. The most diverse crowds a person might see in the same room. There are grandmas clapping, hippies tapping their feet and conservative looking women, snapping their fingers. Everyone seemed to be enjoying the music. I for one, was enjoying it but was completely overwhelmed by the demand for my attention.... making latte's, taking orders, getting ice cream, delivering food and everything else that comes with this job.
By the time he had finished his set, the cafe' clears almost instantly. There are three of us still working, buzzing around trying to prepare ourselves for closing. The other two girlies leave me on my lonesome..and wow did I ever have dishes to do. SO MUCH. But in the end I got everything finished and I was only an extra fifteen minutes. It felt good to be in charge and actually get things done in time. I was givin' er though. Givin' er my all. To be quite honest Bailey's has been getting a lot of my "all" these days.
It's just so funny that I am apart of this crazy island life now. The fact that an old jazzy hippy came into the establishment and said...I'm playing some music is that okay... and we were like yeah, no problem..just seems so not like where I'm from. I like change in this case, because I think it's really interesting. Interesting that hippies and oldies sat in the same room swaying to the same music.. ??? It's very layed back here I guess. I like that at work today I had live entertainment while I mopped the floors and cleaned out orange specks out of the microwaves. At the time I was annoyed that he attracted soooo many people. But now it makes me think...and again, I've decided.. I like it here.
I've come to realize, no matter where I move... it is always going to be someone's hometown. Hinton was a place that I didn't plan on living near, or in once I grew up and got my shit together. Now, I have gotten away, and I'm settling in here. I have realized that, this too is a lot of people's home town.. and they too want to get the hell out of here. I fear that as soon as I get settled in, I will be left behind by all of my new friends.
Haha, yes I know this is a long way off, I am sure. But I am still kind of feeling a sense of panic. I am sure I have mentioned in other posts, that one of my hugest fears is to be left behind. I was talking to a friend last night, and he was saying that he's moving in eight months or so. Suddenly I felt panicked. I don't want anyone to move.. especially someone that I have founded such a unique friendship with.. But this is the facts, which of course I will eventually have to face. I just feel kind of ... scared I guess about what my future holds. I don't know what to expect..and I don't really have any plans.
I hate that one question, that so many people ask because they do not know what else to talk about..the small talk..chit chat.. "so are you going to school....?", or "you're probably not staying at Bailey's for long, probably saving up for school right.." I realize that people are just trying to be friendly, but something like this, makes me feel really shitty. "NO, I'm not going to school, I don't know WHAT I want..!" But, of course I would never do this. It almost seems like these days it's wrong NOT to go to school. Why is it that we are expected to go to school right away, and have an education? I mean, for obvious reasons it is great to get an education. I don't want to go to school for the sake of saying, "yeah I'm in school." What's the point? It's such a waste of money. I want to make sure I know what I want before I go getting myself a $20000 + student loan. I'm having a hard enough time saving to buy a car, never mind a loan..
I needed to vent just a little bit. I think I will end up in Vic near my sister in time. Who knows what the future holds.. I have high hopes in areas that don't even exist yet.. I have hopes in people that I hope want to become more of a friend to me.. I have hopes that I will be making some nice coin by the end of this summer..with my little cafe' job because I plan on staying and getting more "promotions" ...
So far, my goals are... to buy a car, a decent one that runs enough to get me from Point A to Point B. Another goal is to focus my thoughts on my writing..again, looking into some creative writing courses to keep me busy.. I also have to keep a positive outlook on the entire, "everyone's moving away.." idea that I have in my head..that is in fact true. Really, it's true everywhere.
No matter where I go I will be living in someone's home town that he is trying to escape. And soon I will mature enough to the point, where this won't matter to me anymore...