Monday, November 21, 2005

Right On

Days off are nice. Nice for me to get some alone time. Time to think and most importantly, time to SLEEP IN.

Rob left for work early and I was pouting like a child. I didn't want him to go but also because I had some really stupid dreams. I dreamt that I was back with Paul. I was thinking to myself, as Paul is talking to me.." what about Rob...?" Paul said something like.." man it was so sweet...etc" I was thinking, in my dream.. "Rob would've said.. 'it was so deadly'..

Just those little things that make someone so individual. They're even apparent in my dreams. I was upset when I woke up, thinking that I was with him again, but instantly realizing that I was right where I wanted to be. I like those dreams, where you wake up, and feel better knowing that your life is what you want it to be..

The idea of love, what is that? I refuse to muddle up my relationship with that word right away. I only say this because I have done that so many times when in fact I didn't mean it. This time around, I want it to be real... I want to know for a fact that I am in love, before I go saying it. Lately, I have been getting these really strong feelings, and I haven't been ignoring them..maybe just setting them off to the side. I am not sure if we're ready for.. that word just yet. I will be honest though, this feeling is overwhelming and I am not really sure how to describe it..

Loving someone does frighten me I think. It makes me vulnerable and naiive. I refuse to be naiive again. I think that is because each time that I have been "in love" I have lost my identity. Especially with my first love, I just dove in head first..not looking to see where I'd land, not thinking about anything but him. For the time it had been nice, but now knowing how stupid I had been in that entire relationship, I won't do that again. Love is scary to think about, when you're not in it. But once you're lost in it, nothing else seems to really matter... That's the part that frightens me the most. Fearing love?.. is this healthy?

My mom said when she first met Rudi she knew that she would marry him. She also said the same for my dad. I can't say that I have felt that sudden urge when first meeting him. Being honest, because this blog is for me to write my inner feelings in, even though I know people read it... I will continue to be honest, fully aware that it is going to be known and this is okay as long as I can be honest with myself..

My feelings for Rob are right. We are really right for eachother. We do have fun and I think that he is going to be someone I will love one day. It's too soon to say that I do.. It's too soon to know in my eyes that we will be together forever, and also VERY naiive to say that as well. But things feel right and comfortable. I love being comfortable and I feel tremendously secure around him.

I needed to get that all out. I needed to write it out because it was KILLING me keeping that all in. Things feel right in my life and I will continue to live it the way that I have been in order to keep this feeling..


holli said...

What a great observation, Haley.. the difference between waking up from a dream and being sad it was only a dream.. and waking up from a dream and realizing you're happier with real life. Now THAT is really cool. And THAT is a really great place to be.

I think it's perfectly normal to have fears in any relationship.. just keep doing what you're doing. It seems to be working so far.

Big hugs for you and your family..

Suz said...

Yes Haley it is wonderful after having a bad dream to wake up and realize that dream wasnt true and your life is better then the dream. I think you probably dreamed about paul because you were just saw him and were putting that part of your life behind you and moving forward.

As for falling in love, i defintely think its scary and something you have to be sure of before its said to the person you are with. Your relationship sounds to me like it is right where it should be for now and you seem to be very happy with that. When and if the time is right to tell each other you are in love with each other comes along you will know it.

It seems to me Haley that this is different then other relationships that you have had and it seems to be the right one for you.

Just Go With It!

Hugs Suz

Anonymous said...

Love is scary. It is scary even after you have been in love for 15 yrs (and married for 9!). All I can say is listen to your heart and hold on for the wild ride ahead. It is never easy, but in the end you want to be able to say it was all worth it.

Hugs to you sweetie!

acumamakiki said...

Wonderful and insightful post Haley. Your doing great work on getting to knowing yourself and it shows in all that you show us.

TRUTHZ said...

girl you are right on point. i am just getting out of a relationship w/ my first love...and it was hard..well it is hard for me right now to get back to being normal and being okay with me because i don't know who i am any more. i totally lost myself when i was with him. so i am like you, if there is a next time, i want to take it slow and let nature take it's course.

Chubby Chocolate said...

That was very insightful....RIGHT ON point. I needed to read some positive vibes today.

AFGUY said...

Haley... Dreams are so cool. Sometimes that can tell you whats gonna happen, or sometimes they can replay what has already happened. Sometimes they frighten people, and other times they scare people. I hope that you are happy and things go great for you. I am in a new relationship, and im loving it but i am cautious. I was with someone..well about to be with them before i was with someone else and i thoought that she was sooo the one. I spent endless hours on the phone and racked up huge credit cards bills while in iraq to talk to her and hell it turned out to be a fluke!! I was there and ready but she wasnt. I never blogged about it, but it hurt. However(read my new blog) and you will find out how happy i am now. Life and chances and dreams are all the same. You are gonna have life,dreams and you are gonna take chances so make the best out of them...see ya

holli said...


tara dawn said...

I happened upon your blog and felt as if I were reading something I myself could easily have written (though not with as much eloquence I imagine). I admire your strength and determination to not lose yourself this time...I am continusouly working on this myself. I look forward to reading more of your writings.

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