Monday, November 14, 2005

My Crazy Logic

Rob and my Mountains

Me and my mountains, on the way home...

A few pictures to show how beautiful where I grew up really is..

Like I mentioned in posts from before, Rudi is living and breathing through those mountains, and I truly felt that when we were passing through this time around.

The other night I was watching some home videos with Rob. Of course I knew that a lot of them would have Rudi on them and they did. I was really doing just fine, until the very last part of the very last video we decided to watch.. Mom had the video camera on Rudi and she was closing up the night.. saying Merry Christmas and telling Rudi to relax now that he was finished making the turkey dinner etc.. Then she said, "okay Rudi say goodbye.." And he's sitting in his chair (also on another post..) and he looks at the camera.. and casually waves and says "goodbye.." Oh my goodness. The effect that something so simple.. had on me was unbelievable. I lost my mind. I started crying and crying.. and I just couldn't stop.

I realized at that exact moment.. that I was going about this the wrong way. I was avoiding the fact that he was gone in my head. I was ignoring my memories of him and trying to put him on the back burner in my brain. Well this now I realize isn't very healthy. I miss him and I am really sad. I miss him so hard that it hurts. I miss him so much that as I write this the tears are forming in my eyes as I type. I can't avoid him anymore. I can't ignore him anymore. I have to just grieve I guess. No matter how miserable that makes everyone else around me, I guess this is what I have to do. And I really don't want to. I hate being sad and I HATE HATE HATE crying. I just think it's a waste of time and why should I let people see me cry, that's what they want isn't it... 'Haley's gonna crack sometime, she's been much to strong..' 'It's unhealthy that Haley hasn't broken down yet..' and the comments go on and on. No one has said this to me personally, but I know what people are thinking. (family members..)

I feel like they are just waiting for me to fall apart now and I don't want to. I don't want to be like everyone else and be miserable and difficult to be around. The only person that I truly feel comfortable enough around crying is Rob. This is because he didn't know Rudi and this way he feels badly for us because we lost our dad, mom's husband, etc. But he doesn't miss Rudi he just wishes he met him. This way I don't feel guilty about crying infront of him, even if it makes him sad... He can afford to be sad for me, whereas my family can't because they have to be sad for themselves first. Yeah, that's my crazy logic.. I wonder if it makes any sense ...?

So that's that. I'm sad. And yeah, it's totally okay to be sad. I have never felt this sad for a long time though. This is definetly a different kind of feeling than any other experienced so far since the ... death. (How do word something so sad, and tragic...? )

The videos are so hard to watch..not only because we see Rudi again. But because it reminds us of how happy he made all of us. How much of a light he was in our days.. how he made us all laugh all the time. He was a big part of our lives and I forgot that. I forgot what it was like to have Rudi around. He's never been here, in this house, on the island... I don't remember seeing him walk through the front door like I did in Hinton. Maybe that's why it's better we live here..maybe not.

I need to find a way to deal with this pain and I am having a difficult time figuring out how.. I'm sure it will come to me. He wouldn't just leave me hangin' like this would he..


AFGUY said...

Haley, i personally now that dealing with death is hard. I have dealt with it from both spectrums. Here i have had to shoot to live in iraq, and i have had some really close people to me die. I tried putting both kids of people on the back burner, but it only makes the situation worse. I have to live with the fact that it is a part of my life and accept it for what it is. Sometimes i can just think about something or someone and it brings back memories..or sometimes i dont have to think about anything at all and those feelings will come. If you allow rudi to stay close to your heart, things will flow better and it is ok to cry about missing him. It is ok. Well i hope you have a nice day and great pics

Angela said...

Haley, I had tears in my eyes reading your post. I know how it feels to lose someone who just made your life brighter. I felt this way about my uncle and the strangest things make me sad. I'm really glad you can cry around Rob about it. It's Ok to cry. I love those pictures. It reminds me of Alaska where my family lives. I can't wait to take my DH and kids up there. I think we are going to go next yr!

Suz said...

(((((Haley))))) ... I think whether you realize it or not you have finally begun that grieving process. I think it began when you went back to Hinton.

Its wonderful that you have atleast one person that you can just let it all out and cry, there is nothing wrong with crying, crying is good for you. Cry, and let it all out and then remember how close you and Rudy were and that him and that closeness will always be in your heart and the memories you made together will always be with you, not only in the pictures & movies but also in your head and heart.

Great mountain pictures, so beautiful!

Big Huge Hugs

TRUTHZ said...

time heals all wounds... i remember when my granddaddy died...then my twins...i used to cry all of the time...but as time went on i found ways to celebrate them

Chubby Chocolate said...

Ditto what Truthz says. Time will heal. In the mean time, get it out of your system. Cry. Be pissed. Don't worry about what other's think. Hibernate. Be sad. Get it all out.

That was a beautiful post Haley. Very honest and strong.

holli said...

I'm sorry Haley.. that was a great post. Very honest. I just think it's going to take time. There is no way to rush that kind of healing.

Mama said...

(((Oh Haley))) I felt like I was watching the video too. J saw it coming. Yes, You are on the mend. You get it now. And I am so glad you have Rob!!!

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