Friday, October 21, 2005

In With The Good Out With The Bad

This is basically how I felt last night. Clinging onto..something that I wanted there..that wasn't.

I don't know... last night I just let go.. I didn't want to ..but everything I felt had been bubbling up inside me that it was about time that I finally burst into tears.. So I did. I cried..

I hate crying. I know that I always say, "it's okay to cry.. it doesn't mean that you're weak, it means that you're human." Funny how I can't take my own advice though. I just feel like if I cry.. it's like I want whoever experienced me crying's pity. I hate pity. That's what I will not stand for. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I want them to respect me and sort of have a silent understanding for why I am the way I am that day..or always.

I can say now that it felt really good to cry and let it all out. I still did feel stupid and hope I didn't scare *him. Though I don't even need to say that..I know that I didn't. He was really good about it and just held me while I bawled my little head off. (Like I look like I am about to do after that picture was taken. The man used to throw me up in the air and I HATED that..and I'd wrap my arms around his neck and be like, NOooooo I don't like that.) Rudi would've been proud of how well *he reacted to me while I was upset. Rudi would approve I think. He would know that *he makes me happy and that *his intentions are good. That is all Rudi ever really cared about. That the guy treats me right and is a good person. Rudi was the best judge of character. He was always very understanding when it came to people. I want to be like that.

I guess even I think about him, yet I... faze him out. How I do it, is beyond me. I think of something else.. But every once in awhile I see his face in my head. Like the other night I suddenly saw him in my head shaking his he wasn't approving. It really bothered me and I thought waaaay too much into it. But it's little things like that.. he just is always there. Even if I am trying to avoid thinking about him..he always finds his way into my thoughts.

I miss him. I don't understand the world..but I'll go crazy trying. I know that this is where I belong..and this is where I need to be in my life right now. So I don't try to understand it.. I just live it..

I guess I just felt insecure because I feel like all the significant men in my life leave me. I know this is silly because of course they don't intentionally... well some do.. but not the really important ones. I came to the conclusion that I am terrified ... like that sick feeling in my stomach terrified of being left behind or abandoned. I feel like in the last little while, this has happened to me. I just wish that there was some way in which I could avoid this happening to me again, but I know there isn't. I just have to trust in the people I meet or am around and have faith that they too won't do what the men in my past have done. And when I say men I include the exs'.. Not only is it disappointing, but it hurts beyond hurting. I don't feel like hurting anymore for a while. So I guess where I am at in life is a good and healthy place for me. Right by my new boyfriend. Fresh life, fresh start.. new beginnings.


AFGUY said...

Its ok Haley..youre human... Some people can cry and others cant.. I wish you the best...

Hugs from Iraq

Suz said...

Aww Hugs (((((Haley)))), This sounds like both a sad post and a happy post. It sounds like Rudy was a wonderful man and his memories will live thru you & your family.

I think its wonderful that the new man in your life was there for you when you finally decided to just let loose and cry it out. Iam glad that even though you have been hurt so badly with people leaving you, you still aloud this new man in to start a new beginning.

Here's To New Beginnings...
Here's To You Haley!

Hugs Suz

Anonymous said...

((((((((hugs to you Haley))))))) Let it all out sweetie, those that love and care won't pity you, they will shoulder your tears =)

Mama said...

(((Haley))) You are an amazing young woman! I'm here if you want to talk...BIGMAMAHUGS!

Chubby Chocolate said...

It's healthy to have those types of cries. We hold in things and it needs to come out somehow. Occassional cries are good. Better to get them out that way than doing something self destructive.

acumamakiki said...

I've always been one that's able to cry. When I was little, I used to be teased for it, called crybaby and felt embarrassed when I cry. Now, I'm alright with it because I almost always feel better.