In With The Good Out With The Bad

This is basically how I felt last night. Clinging onto..something that I wanted there..that wasn't.

I don't know... last night I just let go.. I didn't want to ..but everything I felt had been bubbling up inside me that it was about time that I finally burst into tears.. So I did. I cried..

I hate crying. I know that I always say, "it's okay to cry.. it doesn't mean that you're weak, it means that you're human." Funny how I can't take my own advice though. I just feel like if I cry.. it's like I want whoever experienced me crying's pity. I hate pity. That's what I will not stand for. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I want them to respect me and sort of have a silent understanding for why I am the way I am that day..or always.

I can say now that it felt really good to cry and let it all out. I still did feel stupid and hope I didn't scare *him. Though I don't even need to say that..I know that I didn't. He was really good about it and just held me while I bawled my little head off. (Like I look like I am about to do after that picture was taken. The man used to throw me up in the air and I HATED that..and I'd wrap my arms around his neck and be like, NOooooo I don't like that.) Rudi would've been proud of how well *he reacted to me while I was upset. Rudi would approve I think. He would know that *he makes me happy and that *his intentions are good. That is all Rudi ever really cared about. That the guy treats me right and is a good person. Rudi was the best judge of character. He was always very understanding when it came to people. I want to be like that.

I guess even I think about him, yet I... faze him out. How I do it, is beyond me. I think of something else.. But every once in awhile I see his face in my head. Like the other night I suddenly saw him in my head shaking his head..like he wasn't approving. It really bothered me and I thought waaaay too much into it. But it's little things like that.. he just is always there. Even if I am trying to avoid thinking about him..he always finds his way into my thoughts.

I miss him. I don't understand the world..but I'll go crazy trying. I know that this is where I belong..and this is where I need to be in my life right now. So I don't try to understand it.. I just live it..

I guess I just felt insecure because I feel like all the significant men in my life leave me. I know this is silly because of course they don't intentionally... well some do.. but not the really important ones. I came to the conclusion that I am terrified ... like that sick feeling in my stomach terrified of being left behind or abandoned. I feel like in the last little while, this has happened to me. I just wish that there was some way in which I could avoid this happening to me again, but I know there isn't. I just have to trust in the people I meet or am around and have faith that they too won't do what the men in my past have done. And when I say men I include the exs'.. Not only is it disappointing, but it hurts beyond hurting. I don't feel like hurting anymore for a while. So I guess where I am at in life is a good and healthy place for me. Right by my new boyfriend. Fresh life, fresh start.. new beginnings.