Wednesday, October 26, 2005

How Did It Get This Way?

Bad time.

Oh no. It has come this far...too far now. I have gone too far.

I am supposed to have respect for my mother just because of the simple fact that she is my mom. Yet, it took everything I had not to hit her...or push her out of my door way today. She always has to find a way to come into my room once I have left from an argument, to put my purse in my bedroom, or put an envelope on my dresser,etc. After I had left the fight..she had to come into the room again..and refuse to leave. I hate that.

All day I tell myself that I am going to be nicer to her. I am going to be more patient. As soon as I get into the house, all of this goes away. Instantly. It's sick really. I honestly do think about how badly I am treating her, after I am finished. Or after the damage is done. This damage is done and it is ugly. Things will never be the same I don't think. I mean yeah, we'll forgive each other but things have been said. The things that I have said to her... are ugly. I shouldn't be able to speak to her this way.

I am upset because I hate how my mom is such a push over. People walk all over her and she lets them. Yet, I am the one walking all over her now. And there's no one to stop me? But me. So I have decided that I need to get better. I am thinking about getting some help. Maybe just by talking to someone about what makes me so crazy about her. I almost am not exxagerating when I say everything that comes out of her mouth.... annoys me. Almost everything. How horrible is that? She's my mother for god's sakes. This is not a good thing.

After our terrible outbursts, I flew out of the house yelling "grow up!" and she's yelling "get out!".. I went for my third run in three days. (I will get into that on another blog). I was so upset, so of course I found myself talking to Rudi. I nearly tripped over a freakin' SNAKE. I screamed and kept talking. I was more upset than mad. I did the entire, "it's your fault! why did you have to leave?!" deal that I do when I'm frustrated. It's like when we fight, I feel like it's his fault because we're both so frustrated about everything that we explode at eachother. Me more so than her though.

It's just that all of her attention is on ME now. I am at that stage where I am almost out the door on my own..but forced to stay back because of my situation, knowing that I can't live on my own successfully. I want out! I'm sure she wants me out too. No I know she wants me out too. Now it's like our relationship is spoiled. Like when friends decide to work together. We spoiled it. Or should I say, I spoiled it.

I didn't get any answers on my run. Well I did. I need help. I need to not get so angry with her.. I need patience. I know what I need, the hardest part is trying to .. do these things.

I read all the mommy blogs and I admire how much these women think of their children. And then I feel guilty because I realize that my mom felt that way about me when I was a wee baby. She still feels that way about me. And what have I been doing all this time? I've been really cruel..

But she hasn't been all that great either. She repeats everything she says to me... ten times every other day. She constantly is on me.. If I rinsed my plate and there's bits in the sink (not a lot, I'm not a pig) she'll get all frustrated over it. I can't cut a piece of cheese without her telling me what knife to use and that I need a cutting board. I am going crazy! I need space, even though I've had it.. I am barely ever home. I need her to lay off me and I need to become a lot nicer.

Give a little, get a little.... ?


Learned TwoL said...

I feel the exact same way with my mom. I don't know if it has something to do with her hitting menopause or me hitting the age where I am trying to become my own person - or maybe a little of both - but I feel like I can't talk with her without wanting to scream at her. I get so frustrated and then I feel guilty because I really love her - and I even used to feel like we were best friends.

But, I know that she loves me despite all this and I know your mom feels the same. I think it's something about a relationship between mother and daughter - a mother knows exactly how to push a daughter's button (so to speak) because she created them!

Sorry if I have invaded your blog, but I thought it might help to know you're not the only one!

Anonymous said...

Oh Haley ((((((hugs))))))

I love my mother dearly, but living with her again would probably drive me insane. Once you have lived on your own it is twice as hard to go back.

You are not a bad daughter for feeling frustrated with your mom. You recognize that you need to show more respect and that is a start. You cannot expect to change overnight, take it slow and don't be so hard on yourself.

Much love to you!

acumamakiki said...

Oh Haley....I'm sorry this is happening. The mother/daughter relationship is so damn hard. I wanted a girl more than anything and I'm terrified of how our relationship will pan out, esp. when she's grown like you are. I am on her shit now and she's 4 1/2 and hearing your words, as the daughter, well I know that I too have to back off.

You both are under tremendous pressure with your dad being gone. Your right, your mom has no one else to focus on so she' taking it out on you.

I know it's queer to hear this, but recognizing your mistakes and thinking them over as you do, your on the road to mending your relationship. And trust me here, my dad and I have a terrific relationship now. Some of the things I said to him, well it's a wonder he still loves me and he does. That is what family is about, the good and the bad. This too shall pass my friend.

Suz said...

((((Haley)))) Big Hugs To You! Reading this post brings me back in time. I have to say I have had similar things happen with my mom when I was younger. Thru the years it has gotten better but it has taken alot of work on both sides.

Please dont be so hard on yourself, mothers and daughters are usually their worst enemies and yet can be the closest of friends. You & your mom have been thru alot lately with Rudys death and Iam sure that is taking a toll on your relationship with her. I think its wonderful that you realize that you are doing some things wrong and want to get help for it. Take that step and see where it leads you.

I defintely believe in your ending words, you have to give a little to get a little.

Good Luck With This!

Big Hugs Suz

Mama said...

Oh Haley girl...mothers and daughters are a rough relationship even in good times. My mom *still* drives me nuts and she lives 2.5 hrs away. I love her beyond belief and I feel terrible for things I have said. I just try to do better and make sure she knows I love her. On the other side, as the mama, I know I drive my kids nuts too. Shane and I butt heads the worst and he has said somethings that have really hurt me in the past. I know he loves me and doesn't always think before speaking and the truth is neither do I. Our family is a very loud vocal speak your mind kind and it can get rough. We are also very passionate. My only advice for you is (if you want it) make sure she knows you love her, try to think or count to 10 or 100 or what ever and maybe that short hesitation will save something.(thats what I try w/my mom) Try to let the things go that really aren't worth the fight. This is good practice for mamas and kids I think.

My biggest deal with my kids is this: disagree all you want, but I deserve your respect. This is where it gets tricky for kids...parents can be so damn irritating (and I know this from having them and also being one)

Do your best girlie and show her you love her. It takes time and work and you are right we seem to lash out at the ones closest to us and it should be the opposite...BIGBIGHUGS!~ email me if you want to...mama

Pieces of Me said...

Hey girl,
I really appreciated this post...There are so many times even now that I get frustrated with my mom but I try talking to her like an adult...I understand how much she cares about me because I know how much I care about my daughter...Your mom has done so much for you and loves you more than you will ever know...but the problem seems to be that as children get older they have a hard time letting go (at least with my mom) and they almost feel like they are losing their babies and the only way they know how to hold on is to keep at it...I hope you know what I am talking about or you can just say shut up Diana...LOL Just try to keep your cool and realize it is really tough on her...try to talk to her and let her see how she is acting and how you hate to see ya'lls relationship like this and make sure you let her know how much you love her and appreciate her! I definitely couldnt imagine still living with my mom...Thank God! I mean I really love her but I love her living in a different house LOL...Hope this helps a little if not you will figure it out..Im sure...TTYL bye!

Haley said...

Thanks ladies. I'm glad you understand what I'm sorta going through. I won't play "poor me" but it can get frustrating. So thanks and of course I will take all of your advice into consideration!


The Humanity Critic said...

I felt the same way about my father, so I can really relate to your post.

holli said...

I'm going to respond to this when I'm not about to drop.

I shall return.

But I LOVE that pic!!!

Chubby Chocolate said...

That post really hit home. I totally feel you. My mother and I got into a heated arguement-The worse ever two weeks ago.

It's good that you've recognized that you should talk to someone about it. Please remember that your mother is really the #1 person who will always have your back, no matter what.

When she's jumping on your last nerve (and mother's are REALLY good at that!), just remember that she has a love for you, no other person in the world could possess. Hang in there Haley! :-)

holli said...

Honey, I know how you feel. I love my mom (Lord don't let her find this comment) to DEATH.. but sometimes when I visit - I think - my GAWD.. if I moved home I would go insane.

There is an odd time in your life where you're an adult, but the breaking away process is so slow. My mom actually pulled a "you get back here right now, young lady" thing on me not too long ago.. and I actually did - and was fully ready to be grounded.

Time passes.. you start to understand each other better. You learn to communicate on different levels.

But moms have years of knowing how to push the buttons and pull the trips.. and you may never outgrow the knee-jerk reaction to it.. However, the love for your mommy will surpass anything else.. It's obvious to me that you love her with all your heart - even if she does drive you nutballs from time to time.

Just vent, get it out.. and try not to say things that can't be taken back. I have to remember that all the time.

Love & Faith,