How Did It Get This Way?

Bad time.

Oh no. It has come this far...too far now. I have gone too far.

I am supposed to have respect for my mother just because of the simple fact that she is my mom. Yet, it took everything I had not to hit her...or push her out of my door way today. She always has to find a way to come into my room once I have left from an argument, to put my purse in my bedroom, or put an envelope on my dresser,etc. After I had left the fight..she had to come into the room again..and refuse to leave. I hate that.

All day I tell myself that I am going to be nicer to her. I am going to be more patient. As soon as I get into the house, all of this goes away. Instantly. It's sick really. I honestly do think about how badly I am treating her, after I am finished. Or after the damage is done. This damage is done and it is ugly. Things will never be the same I don't think. I mean yeah, we'll forgive each other but things have been said. The things that I have said to her... are ugly. I shouldn't be able to speak to her this way.

I am upset because I hate how my mom is such a push over. People walk all over her and she lets them. Yet, I am the one walking all over her now. And there's no one to stop me? But me. So I have decided that I need to get better. I am thinking about getting some help. Maybe just by talking to someone about what makes me so crazy about her. I almost am not exxagerating when I say everything that comes out of her mouth.... annoys me. Almost everything. How horrible is that? She's my mother for god's sakes. This is not a good thing.

After our terrible outbursts, I flew out of the house yelling "grow up!" and she's yelling "get out!".. I went for my third run in three days. (I will get into that on another blog). I was so upset, so of course I found myself talking to Rudi. I nearly tripped over a freakin' SNAKE. I screamed and kept talking. I was more upset than mad. I did the entire, "it's your fault! why did you have to leave?!" deal that I do when I'm frustrated. It's like when we fight, I feel like it's his fault because we're both so frustrated about everything that we explode at eachother. Me more so than her though.

It's just that all of her attention is on ME now. I am at that stage where I am almost out the door on my own..but forced to stay back because of my situation, knowing that I can't live on my own successfully. I want out! I'm sure she wants me out too. No I know she wants me out too. Now it's like our relationship is spoiled. Like when friends decide to work together. We spoiled it. Or should I say, I spoiled it.

I didn't get any answers on my run. Well I did. I need help. I need to not get so angry with her.. I need patience. I know what I need, the hardest part is trying to .. do these things.

I read all the mommy blogs and I admire how much these women think of their children. And then I feel guilty because I realize that my mom felt that way about me when I was a wee baby. She still feels that way about me. And what have I been doing all this time? I've been really cruel..

But she hasn't been all that great either. She repeats everything she says to me... ten times every other day. She constantly is on me.. If I rinsed my plate and there's bits in the sink (not a lot, I'm not a pig) she'll get all frustrated over it. I can't cut a piece of cheese without her telling me what knife to use and that I need a cutting board. I am going crazy! I need space, even though I've had it.. I am barely ever home. I need her to lay off me and I need to become a lot nicer.

Give a little, get a little.... ?