Remember When..

Hmm, thinking back.. Waaaay back... to my first love.

We haven't been together for over four years now. But I can't help but remember some of the good things about the entire relationship. He was my first love and I don't think that that First Love...overwhelming, breathtaking, emotional feeling will ever come back? Am I just naiive? Or was that it? I really hope not. I just know that the feeling came back .. but only for a little while with the other one.. I just can't help but wonder. He always said.. " I'll find you someday and we'll be together again." I don't want him back but I want that In Love feeling back. Who knows..

I wonder what he is up to these days...and if he is doing better with his life. I hope that he is in a healthy, non-drug related relationship with someone great. I hope that he is living a happy, successful life or at least is close to it. I want so many good things for him now. That must mean something... someone who hurt me beyond hurt ... and I want good things for him. That must mean I have learned from the relationship. I can forgive him, but not what he did to me.. or how he treated me..

I miss being young and in love. Even though at the time, it wasn't glamorous AT ALL. It was pretty bad at times, but some of the good times were always completely blocked out of my memory..by ME. It's funny how I do that.. how I am doing it. I can't believe I can actually block things out, by putting them at the back of my mind to be dealt with much, much further down the road. He hurt me in so many ways, but now I can remember the good times we did share and laugh about them..and learn from them.

Kirk helped me grow. He is a big reason why I am the way I am today. I am a much, much better girlfriend than I ever was with him. He was my first real boyfriend and I sure wasn't a candidate for #1 Girlfriend. Though, I don't think that award ever would exist. We're women...we're high maintenance..to a lot of men, I mean, ALL men that does not deserve an award. Haha. He helped me. Period.

I am no longer holding onto our memories... I am remembering them and enjoying them. He was quite the character..with faults... but man his good qualities were awesome. Total goof, total brat..always bugging me..teasing me.. The memories are so vague once I sit and try to remember exactly.... It's been so long I am not sure what it was like to be with him. Maybe that is a good thing, really.

That naiive, little, inexperienced girl is now no longer... he had something to do with that.. Today I am stronger, more independent, a little more experienced..(hehe) young woman that is on START ... in her game of Life.


(Picture is of us at his prom 2002.. at Jasper Park Lodge..even you can all see the fairytale I was living...well I thought I was living..)