Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Remember When..

Hmm, thinking back.. Waaaay back... to my first love.

We haven't been together for over four years now. But I can't help but remember some of the good things about the entire relationship. He was my first love and I don't think that that First Love...overwhelming, breathtaking, emotional feeling will ever come back? Am I just naiive? Or was that it? I really hope not. I just know that the feeling came back .. but only for a little while with the other one.. I just can't help but wonder. He always said.. " I'll find you someday and we'll be together again." I don't want him back but I want that In Love feeling back. Who knows..

I wonder what he is up to these days...and if he is doing better with his life. I hope that he is in a healthy, non-drug related relationship with someone great. I hope that he is living a happy, successful life or at least is close to it. I want so many good things for him now. That must mean something... someone who hurt me beyond hurt ... and I want good things for him. That must mean I have learned from the relationship. I can forgive him, but not what he did to me.. or how he treated me..

I miss being young and in love. Even though at the time, it wasn't glamorous AT ALL. It was pretty bad at times, but some of the good times were always completely blocked out of my ME. It's funny how I do that.. how I am doing it. I can't believe I can actually block things out, by putting them at the back of my mind to be dealt with much, much further down the road. He hurt me in so many ways, but now I can remember the good times we did share and laugh about them..and learn from them.

Kirk helped me grow. He is a big reason why I am the way I am today. I am a much, much better girlfriend than I ever was with him. He was my first real boyfriend and I sure wasn't a candidate for #1 Girlfriend. Though, I don't think that award ever would exist. We're women...we're high a lot of men, I mean, ALL men that does not deserve an award. Haha. He helped me. Period.

I am no longer holding onto our memories... I am remembering them and enjoying them. He was quite the character..with faults... but man his good qualities were awesome. Total goof, total brat..always bugging me..teasing me.. The memories are so vague once I sit and try to remember exactly.... It's been so long I am not sure what it was like to be with him. Maybe that is a good thing, really.

That naiive, little, inexperienced girl is now no longer... he had something to do with that.. Today I am stronger, more independent, a little more experienced..(hehe) young woman that is on START ... in her game of Life.

(Picture is of us at his prom 2002.. at Jasper Park Lodge..even you can all see the fairytale I was living...well I thought I was living..)


holli said...

I love the pic - it captures exactly what you were trying to say.. perfect.

I just try to think - all past relationships, both good and bad - are practice and experience so you're ready for when the real thing comes along.

I do wonder how many times I personally can be hurt without it actually causing hurt - which seems to be the norm lately.. so I'm with you - I'm ready to put myself back in a picture like that.

I think you're extremely wise and you have a big heart.. it's better to want good things for people..

I don't know what I'm trying to say - for once my mind is a jumble and I'm not communicating well. I should probably just go to bed.



Mama said...

That is a beautiful picture! And Holli is right, it is the perfect picture for the words you wrote! I can tell you from my life, my first love will always be the 1st one who I loved and he loved me, but from the first second I looked in my husband's eyes I knew that we were going to be together. Forever. I know it sounds corny and unbelieveable but totally true. The kind that takes your breath away...totally. You'll know it when it hits you. Maybe the 1st time you meet, maybe not. But when its hits you, you will know. Thats why the past couple of yrs have been so hard for me.

Sry got off on a tangent LOL! If u want the whole story email me and I'll tell. BUGHUGS!~m

Anonymous said...

Great picture Haley!

I am not sure I ever had a "first love". I mean I had lots of crushes in high school. There were a few guys that I felt I was in love with. But as I got older and look back I know that it was not really LOVE.

When I met Randall I fell head over heals. He has this wonderful romantic side. He is the only man who knows my many sides and my many smiles. And the fact that he is still here, well... it is just a great thing.

You will find the right one and feel that feeling.. you will get those butterflies in your belly! Once upon a time I use to get those when I heard Randall's truck round the corner to my street. LOL Of course the feeling goes away, but the way you get to know someone and go through so many changes.. well the love runs deep.

Gee I guess I babbled far too long and probably made NO freakin sense. I am tired and weary!

Suz said...

What a great picture Haley!

Reading this post, your come across as so much older then 20. You are one smart young lady.

I remember my first love and it wasnt the man I married. I believe its true what they say "You have to go thru alot of frogs to find your prince". If you and this guy didnt stay together then it wasnt meant to be and the man you are meant to be with is still out there and when you meet him you will know it.

Hugs Suz

acumamakiki said...

Wow,I thought that picture was a painting or something from a pretty!

I'm with you Haley. I wouldn't change one thing in my life because I like where I am today, and if it hadn't happened the way it did (and there was ALOT bad in there trust me!) than I might not be here, happy most days.

Karen said...

I love the picture romantic looking. :)

I remember my first love...but not fondly. He's someone I would never be interested in now...many, many years later.

I did giggle when you said you miss being young and in love. You're 20!!! You're still young...and I'm sure you will be in love again...perhaps many times. It's always exciting to fall in matter your age. :) I was 24 when I fell in love with the man who is now my husband.

Thank you for visiting my blog and for your insightful comments. I know you're right. And you sure are alot smarter than I was at 20!

Cassy said...

What a sweet post.

Haley, girl, you are so mature, and you are an inspiration. I'm glad I 'met' you here in cyberspace. I always enjoy reading what's going on in your head.

That first love feeling is great. I don't know if it comes back or not. I'm not a good one to ask. I'm way too skeptical of people to let anyone close enough to find out.

holli said...

Karen cracks me up.. leave it to her to remember her first love.. but not fondly!!

I can't even remember what I did yesterday, so I would have to really think whether or not it was a fond memory..

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