Friday, September 30, 2005

Not a Student

I've come to realize, no matter where I move... it is always going to be someone's hometown. Hinton was a place that I didn't plan on living near, or in once I grew up and got my shit together. Now, I have gotten away, and I'm settling in here. I have realized that, this too is a lot of people's home town.. and they too want to get the hell out of here. I fear that as soon as I get settled in, I will be left behind by all of my new friends.

Haha, yes I know this is a long way off, I am sure. But I am still kind of feeling a sense of panic. I am sure I have mentioned in other posts, that one of my hugest fears is to be left behind. I was talking to a friend last night, and he was saying that he's moving in eight months or so. Suddenly I felt panicked. I don't want anyone to move.. especially someone that I have founded such a unique friendship with.. But this is the facts, which of course I will eventually have to face. I just feel kind of ... scared I guess about what my future holds. I don't know what to expect..and I don't really have any plans.

I hate that one question, that so many people ask because they do not know what else to talk about..the small talk..chit chat.. "so are you going to school....?", or "you're probably not staying at Bailey's for long, probably saving up for school right.." I realize that people are just trying to be friendly, but something like this, makes me feel really shitty. "NO, I'm not going to school, I don't know WHAT I want..!" But, of course I would never do this. It almost seems like these days it's wrong NOT to go to school. Why is it that we are expected to go to school right away, and have an education? I mean, for obvious reasons it is great to get an education. I don't want to go to school for the sake of saying, "yeah I'm in school." What's the point? It's such a waste of money. I want to make sure I know what I want before I go getting myself a $20000 + student loan. I'm having a hard enough time saving to buy a car, never mind a loan..

I needed to vent just a little bit. I think I will end up in Vic near my sister in time. Who knows what the future holds.. I have high hopes in areas that don't even exist yet.. I have hopes in people that I hope want to become more of a friend to me.. I have hopes that I will be making some nice coin by the end of this summer..with my little cafe' job because I plan on staying and getting more "promotions" ...

So far, my goals are... to buy a car, a decent one that runs enough to get me from Point A to Point B. Another goal is to focus my thoughts on my writing..again, looking into some creative writing courses to keep me busy.. I also have to keep a positive outlook on the entire, "everyone's moving away.." idea that I have in my head..that is in fact true. Really, it's true everywhere.

No matter where I go I will be living in someone's home town that he is trying to escape. And soon I will mature enough to the point, where this won't matter to me anymore...


Anonymous said...

The grass is always greener. Everyone is trying to always get away from something. It is tough when you are young (not that I am old) but your generation is just starting out and trying to figure out where life is going to take them. I firmly believe that where we are in life is just where we are meant to be.

Don't fret about your future. Take your days as they come. You are never too old to go to school and get an education.. and you are right in that what is the sense in going if you are not sure what you want to do. It will happen. One day you will just know.

That said, I never when to college. Being 33 I regret it. Of course my intention was to go to school, but I moved to Texas when I was 18. I got a pt job to save some money. I can soooo relate to you in that respect. Then I met my DH when I was 19 and well the rest is history. But as soon as my kids are old enough to take care of themselves I WILL go back to school and get my degree in nursing.

Sorry this turned into a book. Just know things happen for a reason and you are not a failure for not knowing what direction you want to move in. And I will leave you with my favorite (or one of .. I love quotes) quotes...
May today there be peace within.
May you trust your highest power that you are exactly where you are
meant to be....
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love
that has been given to you....
May you be content knowing you are a child of God....

holli said...

This was a really profound observation. It's funny - I spent my entire life trying to get the hell out of my hometown - and now I would do anything to get back there..

But yes, the older you get - the harder it gets to make close friends.. I don't know why. I haven't figured that one out yet. Especially if you've moved into someone's domain instead of being the newcomer.. but - had I not made this journey to Texas, well - there would be no Faith.. so, in the end - you just never know.

And btw - I have friends that went to medical school in their 30's just because they were sick of what they were doing.. You can do whatever you want to do - whenever you want to do it.. the choices are all up to you. If you really and truly want something - you (and of all people I believe this applies to you) will find a way to make it happen.

People will come and go in your life - but along the way, they make you who you are.. and in the end, that's who you're left with.

It's all going to be okay. Great things are waiting around the corner for you.. I just know it.

Mama said...

You know, girly, you will learn no matter where you are and what you're doing. Britt doesn't go to public school, she learns bu living. She knows a ton about alot of stuff her friends don't have a clue about and she studies what she is interested in. I don't know if she could pass everything they have to study in public school but I do know that she will be able to succeed in whatever interests her b/c shelikes what she's learning about. Does that make sense? You don't have to have all the answers at once. And you even said something about some writing course. There are lots of ways to educate yourself, not just college, altho college is great too if thats where you want to go.

I kwym about everyone trying to move out of their hometown. Funny, I never expected to ever leave mine. And then I met my husband and moved south to his hometown.

You definitely have more of your shit together than u think u do! I haven't known you very long, but I read what you write and you have a good head on your shoulders. You my friend are going to be just fine! BIGHUGS!~mama

Suz said...

(((((Haley))))), Ok first I had to give you some hugs cause you just seemed like you needed them.

You are 20 and have your whole ife ahead of you, where is it written that you have to go to college right away? Like you said why go into college if you arent sure what you want to do with your life. College just may not be the place for you. These days they have so many different places you can learn from besides college and still have a good career in life. I have one child who wants to go to college and one who wants to go to tech school. Its funny that because Shain wants to go to tech school, some look down upon that which is just so wrong! I say go ahead take some writing courses, follow your heart and see where it leads you.

As for losing your friends, thats a hard one. I left my hometown after my divorce and left behind some of the best friends I ever had. I have made some new friends here but they arent as close. It is a heck of alot harder to make friends as you get older. Like I have said before some of my closest friends in my life right now I have made online (example mama, I can tell her anything, we can talk forever on the phone, lol). So many different people will come in and out of your life and each one will add to the person you are. if I hadnt of moved to TX, I wouldnt of had Connor, If I hadnt of moved to GA I wouldnt have met Robert.

That being said, sit back, and let life take you for a ride, you will have your ups & downs, you will make good choices and you will make mistakes (we all do) but in the end you will be ok and I just know that you be fine.

This is what I tell my kids: Whatever you decide to do with your life, make sure its something you want to do and give it your all!

Hugs Suz

Haley said...

Erin~ Yeah, I get that I need to relax a little bit.. Just let things happen. And I think it's really great that you're going to go into nursing school after the babies grow.. That's admirable.
Holli~ My friend told me that he thinks that I will write because that is what I really and truly want. I think I will too. I just have to get to that stage where I actually do it..haha. Thanks for having so much faith in me..(hehe, that could be taken in two ways..)
Mama~ It is funny how everyone wants to move out of their home towns. I didn't think i would for a long time, because it's such a huge step, that in the end my mom ended up taking with me, which made it a whole lot easier.
Suz~ Thanks for the hugs. It is true, friendships are harder to make when we get older..but I do have some help with my cousin. Plus I have a *new friend that moved here that needs help finding friends as well.. So we can look together. Which is an upside.

deeanne1966 said...

Boo,,It's me Dee again..LOL
Haley no matter where you are your there for a reason..No one will know other than you & if U choose to say why,,then thats ok.Going to school & getting an educatgion is great,the loan part isn't.We all fear the cost of not having $$.I can say this,,im sure glad John got his grade 12..WOOO HOO.Im happy,but what makes me sad is,,I didnt get it..Glad he learned from my mistakes. Im proud of you as well hun.Making big steps in the world is great no matgter what you do in life.I have truly enjoyed you writing.Keep it up.Guess what we are all learning as life I say we are students of all sorts LOL..Luvs ya, :-)

Anonymous said...

That's a great story. Waiting for more. » »