Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Genuine Daughter

How can someone read me so wrong?

I am so sick and tired of today. First of all I get to work and my boss is like, "you're late..don't let that happen again." I ask him what time it is and he's like, "7:33" I was three minutes late. THREE. Then after that it was even worse. He was picking at everything that I was doing. I am told that when I'm on the till I am supposed to ask him to get my special coffee orders. So I do and then I thank him and he's like; " I'm not even supposed to be here you know.. You and Annette should be doing that on your own, hey." How the hell was I supposed to know that??? Anyway he finally left for Nanaimo and then Andrea comes in.. Watch out because something pissed her off and she's in a stink of a mood ALL day. Ughh, I was just so happy to get the hell out of there. Plus it's my weekend.. I have two days off now. Thank goodness..

I told Afguy that I was going to have a day where I appreciated life and whatnot after seeing the pictures on his blog... But I failed. I am stuck with these feelings of feeling sorry for myself...being completely and utterly misunderstood by my mom...and desperate to get her to get it.

We get in another arguement today. Already. She says that my grannie thought that I didn't want her here at our house yesterday. What?? I love my grannie more than anything and the very fact that she thinks that I wouldn't want her here troubles me. Okay so I wasn't talkative because I was busy online posting my blog. It's what I do. I write. She knows that. So I say, "Oh that was stupid of her to think that... I love her and she should know that. " My mom gets all upset and says that already I am starting to disrespect Grannie now too.. WHAT? Where the hell did that come from??? I love Grannie like I've mentioned before. I would never disrespect her. Never.

So here's my thought... I think that I have lost a lot of respect for my mom because of her problem. And she has every right to be handling things roughly considering she lost her husband. But, I am starting to resent her like I mentioned before and with that, I lost some respect for her. So yes I may need a swift kick in the ass because she is my mother and will never stop being my mom.

Okay so if anyone is in an arguement...and the other person is drunk while in the fight.... don't we always feel like we are automatically more right in a sense, because we are sober...?? I don't know I have this way about me that whenever we argue when she's been drinking I feel like she doesn't even know what she's talking about.. In some cases, most cases honestly, she is just really defensive. She defends the drinking even though later sober, she knows that it is a problem.

I feel sorry for her, but I have lost respect and that is so wrong and I realize that. It's just hard to look past the glossy eyes some nights, or the slurred words, or even the scent of beer on her.. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. I just hate the drinking so much.

I am not a bad kid. I feel like she thinks that I am this horrible child. I have no respect for her and I use her to my fullest extent. I would never do the things that come out of her mouth. She is just really on my case about being this person that she thinks I am... that I know I am not.

How do I make her see the real me?


Mama said...

((Haley)) The best thing I can offer is to look at her drinking as an illness. Her being argumentive and defensive etc is a symptom? You *do* love your mom...you don't like the way she is *acting*. (Remember that everything I'm saying might not be spot on b/c I'm not there) but maybe try not to get into too big of a conversation when she's like that. It must be so hard to cope w/losing someone you love! Maybe she's lashing out at whoever is close by and unfortunately it's you...Can u talk to your sister?

I don't know if this helps at all...but I am praying for you and I'm here for you if I can do anything...

Mama said...

BTW...I meant that *BOTH* of you lost someone you love...I didn't mean just her.

Anonymous said...

Oh ((((((Haley))))) I wish I knew the right thing to say. I have dealt with substance abuse, but on a different level. My brother was addicted to drugs. It is amazing how it completely changes their personality. Like your mom, my brother was defensive, agrumentive, just down right unpleasant to be around. Fortunately we did not live together, but get togethers were stressful and usually resulted in arguements. UNfortunately, unless the person with the substance abuse problem SEES it as a problem there is not much you can do for them. Maybe you should find an AA meeting that you, as a child of a substance abuse mother, can go. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. Email me anytime!

Haley said...

Thank you Mama. You're totally sweet. She's been trying to get me going tonight..and I just wouldn't bite. Well I may have a little, but she's mad at me and went to bed now. It seems like whatever I say..it isn't right. Oh man, there's just so much to tell..not enough comment page. Haha.

But I do appreciate all that you have said. I love that you care enough to give me this advice. It helped tonight. I just looked at what you wrote as I was on the verge of tears or..frustration.. It helped. So thank you.


Mama said...


I hope today is better!

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