Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Eight Fingers

This is round two for trying to write this blog. I finished a perfect post and it got lost and deleted...so I hope that I can do this one as good..

There's a constant pounding since last night going on in my head. I don't know if it's a real headache or if it's just the stress of life causing it. It's like there's a mini version of myself in there pounding the walls of my head...screaming and yelling much like I feel like doing. Have a temper tantrum. Freak out and cry just because things aren't going my way. Things haven't been going my way for quite some time, so really I wouldn't go about doing that. There's just so much to deal with. I have the move, the weight of Paul moving because of me, the death, the constant reminders of what needs to be done..day in and day out. I have to get rid of my Mustang and help Paul deal with his stresses of finding a truck in one day.

The fight..
Yes again, another broke out between mom and I. This time I wasn't backing down. It seems silly when simply explained what happened..but once I explain my reasons I'm sure that it won't seem as childish.

When Rudi was sick I went downstairs and found his dart board with three darts in it. Obviously from him weeks prior. Not only were they played and touched by Rudi last, but one was a bullseye. I remember quite clearly the smile on his face, the pride in his eyes when he shot a bullseye. Now it wasn't like it was a rare thing for him to get a bullseye but each time he was genuinely as proud as he was the time before. It was adorable and a memory I hold close to my heart. The day that he died I couldn't part with the idea of taking the darts out and giving them away to my uncle. (who had requested it at the time.) Of course, he respected my wishes and left them alone, much like everyone else. They just understood me and let me for whatever reasons I had, keep the dart board the way that it was. Last night I happened to see the dart board in it's case with the three darts missing. There was three markings to show where they had been. But there was also a pink post-it indicating to the movers, that the new owners of the house were keeping it.

Mom had gone and took the darts out of the board and even posted that it was not to be brought with us to Errington! I understand that mom is under a lot of stress and just wants things done. But that seems to be all that she cares about these days. Getting things done, not anyone's feelings, not the consequences after she throws everything of Rudi's away...

The worst part was that once I told her she didn't care. She didn't say sorry and she seemed to think that I was the one being selfish. Like I was making a big deal out of nothing. I had four months to do it she said. But if it had been her who wanted those darts in that dart board for ten years I would've respected her. I had a connection with that damn board. I wanted to pull the darts out of the board, knowing that it had been thrown by Rudi last. I wanted to talk to him while I did it. I needed that. When I tried to explain it to her...she got angry. The fight got really ugly and once she stormed into the house, I exploded with tears. The tears poured as hard as a rainstorm. I shook so violently that my entire body was tense and my jaw and head ached from crying. She came out later and apologized. But that's not the point. Why had she been like that? Her husband died. No one will understand how she is feeling. But she doesn't understand how I am feeling. She didn't really seem to care last night. That might have been what hurt me the most. The person that she was last night frightens me because it is not my mom. She was never like that. No one has seen this side of her either. It's like I'm in a movie and everyone thinks that I'm the one with all the problems. I'm the one mistreating her. When in this case, I think it is very much the opposite.

Anyways, she did end up apologizing once the smoke cleared. But it really made me wonder who she's becoming? Or am I just overeacting? I know this is hard but she turns so mean and cruel. There's hatred in her eyes and it's seriously killing me to see that.

My last day of work was today.. I thought that I would've been happy but I was really sad. I just keep thinking now that we're running away from our problems. I don't want to stay in Hinton anymore now but I don't want us to be leaving for the wrong reasons. My buddy was telling me, "you're going to miss it here. You can take the girl out of Hinton, but you can't take it away from the girl. It'll always be with you." She's right. I'll cherish Hinton for everything that it represents; home...Rudi.

"Patch Adams" is a great film. In the beginning, there's a man in the mental institution asking everyone how many fingers he is holding up, when he is clearly holding up four. When people tell him that he's in fact holding up four, he gets very discouraged and angry. Later when he is asked how many fingers he sees, he explains that everyone looks at the problem and not what's beyond it. Once the fingers are looked at again, it's completely different. There are eight.

Today on my way home from work, I wasn't looking at the road but beyond it and I saw that part of Hinton in a completely different way. Living here for eighteen years and not once have I ever seen it like that. Instead of seeing four fingers I would've seen eight. To me it was special to see Hinton in that kind of a way. Hinton is a place that I will forever call home.

I will not forget the memories shared with family and friends, the people I've known since I was a little girl new to Hinton.... and the man who brought us here...Rudi.

I will always remember Hinton for Rudi. This place holds a special place in my heart. As long as I have Hinton, I have Rudi. This way I can get over the dart board thing..

Look beyond the picture and see what no one else sees.

1 comment:

kailey said...

god dolly you should really be a writer! You word thing's perfectly.
i have heard that when someone important in ones life dies that they turn cold in many ways. it is so sad to hear this is happening to kim. I wish iwas ther to take you for a ride and be there to listen to you vent in the end of your drive way! keep that dart board haley don't back down. it will not have any meaning to my cousins or my family. only me and travis will know the history behind it. Keep it so when youare ready you can play on it and your children can play on grandpa rudi's old dartboard. I loved being able to play with my parent's and grandparents belonings. it creates a connection between the two people whether they have met or not! stand your ground hay! if it means something to you, you can't help it, just love te fact that it does!