Friday, August 05, 2005

Catch Up

The Move.

It happened. We moved, mom and I. Wow, I haven't been able to write and there is so much to write about.

The Accident.

Paul and I decided out of nowhere to take his beautiful new, shiny truck to Grand Prairie to visit his family. There was a family reunion and I met his entire family; from a loud great aunt that thought she was Celine Dion herself...which isn't saying much.. from his hippy spirited aunt to his baked, hick cousin. They were wonderful people so welcoming and kind giving hugs and kisses like they were going out of style. The visit was a success. We said our hellos and goodbyes about a few different times. On the road again, and happy as hell to have caught up with the family. Now we were ready for our move. Paul was feeling fufilled with love and attention from his hometown and all that went with it.. I was feeling relieved that he was able to see his family before we set off on our new life together.

Then about thirty minutes out of Hinton, something happened as I put my head down, and we were out of control, skidding into oncoming traffic (which thankfully wasn't there) and into the ditch. For a moment, I thought, maybe we won't roll but just as quickly as the thought entered my mind, we had rolled twice. My face hit his middle console as we thankfully landed on all four tires. We were okay, a little shook up and for the four day old truck, not so lucky. We sat on the side of the road with a couple of angels that had taken charge and phoned 911. The details seem so irrelevant now. In the end, I realised that life is too short. We could've died and I had never felt so closely to Paul as I did at that moment. I knew, I wanted to marry him. With all that we had been through, we could do anything. My insecurities about the move were gone. We were going to be able to do this.

That night we cuddled until the backs of our knees sweat. We were close and in love and ready for the move. Unfortunately I had to make the decision between staying with Paul in Hinton until the truck was ready or written off or whatever he had to do now because of the accident. Or go ahead with mom and help her settle in and unpack. Of course through tears and head ache I decided to go ahead with mom. Our last night in Hinton was at the hotel and we went into the hot tub and relaxed. We went to the hotel and pigged out on junk food like we always did. It was a night for us. And we went to sleep and barely cuddled. Damn it we didn't even cuddle we were so tired.

The End.

The ride to B.C had been hot and I was in the back seat with the drooling, panting pups. I kept order in the back seat, making sure they kept to their beds and didn't cramp my style by making me drool as badly from heat as they were. The first night in Langley Paul called just to hear my voice before he went to bed. Such a sweetie. Then, the first day at the new house I phoned and the next day I phoned again. But after... the phone calls weren't being returned, so I stopped. He phoned and with that call came the end of everything I thought would be.

He ended us. Just like that. "I'm not coming. I can't." That was it. It's over.

So now I sit here wondering what the future holds for me. Why did this have to happen to me? Why now? What is the reason for me living here on my own, without him. Maybe it's because I couldn't imagine doing this without him. Maybe somewhere someone was shaking his head thinking, 'that girl has it coming to her'. Boy did I ever.

We spoke yesterday. I miss him. But he sounds different, almost distracted. I think that's how it will always be from now on. No matter how well we get along after this, every time I phone or he phones me .... he'll sound not all there. Because with him, when we were dating, I was his everything. Now I'm just Haley. I am the one that he used to love..or still loves and got away. The girl he let go. The one that he didn't want to fight for. The one that he couldn't follow.

This hurts. There are many things in this life that hurt. But heartbreak is a big one. It's one that so many people learn from or don't. From each of my break ups, I have learned a life time of lessons. Maybe I 'm lucky. This experience is not something a lot of people live through. I have a lot under my belt. Lots of experience. What's experience without love?

Nahh, I'll find love. Lose the dramatics Haley. Just obviously not now.. I have a small hope in my stomach, in the back of my mind, in the darkest corner of my heart that we will be. If we were meant to be, we'll be. If the universe wants us together, we will get another chance. The timing is off. We still love eachother, maybe my love is a bit stronger, but his love is still there. I can hear it in his voice. His voice isn't empty. Just a bit distracted. I wonder what that distraction is, that is keeping him there and not here.

If we're meant to be, we'll be...

And if we're not .... shit.


Gillian Young said...

I wish I knew what to say. It seems like everyone's heart is breaking right now. I hope the change in scenery can bring a lot of good new things, from independance, to love, eventually, when the time is right.

Haley said...

Reading back.... I know exactly what his distraction was. Gee, what a naive girl I was...

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