You're Running Through My Thoughts Today

Ahh, yes I remember you. You are the man that raised me from a wee one and treated all of us kiddies like your very own. You loved us and took care of all of us without any question. I haven't forgotten about you, I just avoid the idea of your absense. Lieing to myself...maybe a little. I wish you were here everyday, for mom. She gets so sad for you and cries more than I'd like to admit. It's normal I know. Even though you're not here...you're here. With all that's going on these days, I've become so understanding. I reason better and I have become more patient. Okay, not more patient with mom and I know I have to work on that. But with other things I have become ... more layed back. I feel like you influence me more now that you're gone. It's like when you passed, a lot of your good went into me and I'm sure all of us. But I can't speak for everyone else.

We had a good bond didn't we? I just never noticed it again, until you left. We had something going on...a great understanding without words, without ever mentioning it. Not once did we speak of how neat our connection was. Others may have. When you went on your blind date with mom and I walked up to you and wanted up. Which has been brought to my attention and yours a few million times that I was a very shy little girl and it took my own grannie days before I'd let her hold me. So interesting. It's like I knew you were the one for my mommy. I knew you were the real thing. You made her so happy. No one could love you more than mom. The thing that sucks now is that no one will ever love her as much as you did. I want her to have someone one day. It's much too soon now. But I don't want her to be alone. I know you don't either.

I miss you. I don't want to forget you but sometimes I do. I want to pretend like you never happened just so that I don't have to deal with the loss. I was never close to you and I hate that. I don't really know why. Ahh, maybe it was the whole connection thing again. Maybe my senses told me to stay away from you because you weren't going to be here for very long. Stupid senses. I wish I had known, but that's silly to wish for that. Why would I wish to know how many years we had you for. It would've really messed with .... everything. Nope, things happened for a reason. I hate that you're gone. But I do have to say, I love where we live now.

You'd love it here Rudi. You were so there that day when mom was standing in the ocean crying huh. I know you were there. That's why she was so upset because she knew you were there too. She has a hard time talking about that kind of stuff. She prefers to talk about you when you were sick or when you were just.... you, living. I like to think of you having lots of fun and feeling badly for us because we're missing out on all of your fun. I'd like to think that what beauties we see here are nothing compared to what you experience. I'd like to think that this isn't as good as it's going to get and that there are glorious, breath taking, refreshing journies ahead for all of us.

The unknown is very scary. But that's the beauty of life. Not knowing what's going to happen next. Wondering. Wondering is such an interesting concept. I wonder when I'll see you, if I'll see you... I wonder where you are and I wonder if you're sitting on the couch behind me right now and I just can't see you. Wonder, wonder, wonder. I live life to wonder and to find out...

Wish you were here, and then again... I'm happy for you because I know that you're doing well where you are. It's that whole connection thing again. I will think of you always as my dad. My REAL dad as I used to call him. You're my real dad and you always have been. You've been there and I know you're still here. I can feel your presence. Thanks for helping me out these last few days. This last month...

I know you're there and I love you...