Monday, August 15, 2005

New Horizons Ahead

Well, well, well...

Last night I received a phone call that I happened to miss and I didn't phone this person back. Amazing, yes. Why, I'm not really sure. Maybe I am slowly beginning to get over him. Maybe this is a good thing. It helps me to reinvent myself moreso than I already have. To seek independence, or is it because I will meet someone much more suited to fit the position of loving boyfriend. Who knows... I sure don't know anything yet. I am capable of being .. just being, without a man. I have to believe that I don't need a guy to be happy in life. Yet at the same time, those damn chick flicks come on and every girl no matter how happy they may seem to be, wants a guy.

So I sit here in my chair, looking out at the trees around my home and I think, who is the right one for me? The big question of course is, who is he..but more importantly where is he and when do I get to meet him? Sex and the City is a great tv show, yet at the same time I don't want to be in my late thirties when I meet the right one. I guess that's the trouble with being the youngest child, I always wanted to be older than I am. And I must still want to be older. Twenty is the prime age to be, when all the guys seem to be interested and the head turning feels so good. But, it's really not enough. Yesterday at the beach, I was laying out in my bikini and a group of guys came and sat by me and looked and what not. (I won't get into details because I don't want to seem shallow, but you get the picture.) Yes, it felt great knowing that maybe two out of the six were gorgeous and may have been interested in me. But really it was such an empty feeling leaving and knowing that , "woopee they checked me what?" It felt a hell of a lot better to have a great conversation with another guy that I met about his family and about what we were interested in and what not. I guess what I'm trying to say is... getting checked out all of my life, is an empty life, but meeting that great, one person means so much more.

I don't need a man to get through my life...yet I want the right one to come along eventually. Married people at times I am sure tend to envy the single life of others. Instead I envy those happy faces I see in the newspaper announcing their union. I look at them and I can't wait until I see my face in a local unimportant newspaper, beside the S.P.C.A's Pet of the Month. Call me a romantic, but I think that this is why I am here. I am going to find that special one, and then I am going to create a beautiful, unique family to continue on into this world.

I enjoy so much that I am not sulking over the break up. I am not wallowing in self pity but getting on with my life. Time does not stop, relationships do, jobs end, people die... but the world keeps on living and the time goes on. So why not go on, like time. That's what this test... all the crap that has happened in my life.. is all about. I keep going... I get on with it... I go on like time.