Sunday, November 04, 2007

Bluster of Thoughts

It has been a long time since I posted. I feel like if I had any readers at all, they have all probably given up on me. Thinking that I have finally abandoned my keyboard once and for all. But that's not me. I have not truly stopped writing. I just haven't found the urge to write in my blog. It's not like there isn't a million different things that I could write about. My life has been busy and full of events. I guess I just haven't chosen any to write about just yet. As I sit here, Sunday afternoon, the sun is peaking through the half drawn curtains behind me. I still have no clue what my topic will be today. I do know that I am sick of seeing the same post every time I go online. My blog is my homepage and the last time I posted was I believe late August.
My sister is getting married, my step-brother and his wife just had their first baby last month. My good friend from work quit and moved to the mainland, leaving me feeling a bit alone and sad at work. Rob and I purchased an expensive, wonderful t.v the other weekend to add to our slowly growing collection of household items. My mom broke up with her boyfriend and my brother and I patched up any differences that we were having in the past. An entire list of events have occurred and yet, I don't feel the need to get into any of them.
I don't have writer's block, I have writer's procrastination. I feel like there is so much to write about that I won't be able to cover everything.
I was watching a television show called, Rescue Me. It's a really dark, but clever and humorous show about the firefighters from 9/11. There's a part where the main firefighter is praying to God to keep his daughter alive. He says, "Now I know I haven't been the greatest.. But if there's one thing I would pray for.. it would be to help me out here. Please, please keep my daughter alive..."
I don't know if it was the music playing, or the setting of him in the candle lit, gloomy looking church but I got really upset. I actually yelled at the t.v. "Yeah, it doesn't work!"
Even the outburst doesn't make much sense once I think back to it. But it was the idea of the man begging God to keep his daughter alive. Asking for just that one thing... I was saying it doesn't work because I remember doing that for Rudi when he was sick. I darted out of the room, face full of tears and I dropped beside my bed facing my night stand and I cried. Of course I didn't allow myself to cry for very long. Not even long enough for Rob to notice that I was upset.
I don't really have a point to the story. I just wanted to share it. I'm doing well when it concerns Rudi. It's just strange how someone who used to be apart of my everyday, doesn't really fit into my life right now at all. Kyli and I did something kind of crazy the other night. We had been drinking and we just finished watching my favourite British show called, "Most Haunted". We made our own Ouija board out of paper and a soap dish. (don't ask!) We attempted to contact Rudi on it. The experience is personal and I still don't know how I truly feel about it yet. But it was interesting. It left me feeling... like I wanted more. Like I'd like to get together with her again and try it out one more time.
I guess how I'm feeling is normal. I just miss him. It's Mom and Rudi's 19th Wedding Anniversary tomorrow. I'm just reminded of him every once in awhile. I think of him, less often than I used to. But I don't feel guilty about it. But I certainly do notice when I think of him these days. I think what I need is to sit back and dedicate some time to thinking about him. Allowing myself to feel however it is I feel at that moment. I need to just stop. And think. And not avoid what I am feeling.

1 comment:

Toes in the sand said...

Missed reading your posts. You sound happy and at ease =)