It was Monday evening. I knew that there was a chance my results would be posted that night. The Pharmacy Examining Board of Canada is based in Toronto. (3 hours ahead.) People were posting on the Bridging Friends Facebook page all day the different times that the results would be posted based on passed exams. I was reloading the page on my phone, anxiously looking for a new column to pop up. Monday night came and went and I felt deflated by Tuesday morning. Rob and I have been getting up to work out in our gym in the mornings. I went on the elliptical and the tread mill, taking only one peek. Our workout ended, still no news. Rob decided to shower before me, so I was hanging in bed with Alina. Then, one reload later a new column appeared; Recent Exam Results. My heart began to pound in my chest. Alina was watching a morning cartoon and I found myself in my closet fumbling to hit the link to my fate... I searched through hundreds of numbers, knowing mine by heart; 312118. As I neared similar numbers I slowed down and my heart picked up its pace. 312116... 312117... 312120. Wait... My number wasn't there. Just as I realized that my number wasn't among the newly licensed pharmacy technicians', Rob entered the closet. I whispered, "I didn't pass." I'm surprised he heard me I said it so quiet.
This is not the post I wanted to write, this was never part of the plan. But, this is my reality. Bad things happen and what I've learned from those bad experiences is that you always have to take something out of it. I needed something to remind me that it was worth it. My co-worker J. was also going through the same anxious waiting as I was, so I figured I should text her to let her know that the results were in. I showered in hot water and tears, feeling sorry for myself. Alina came into the bedroom as I was getting dressed and asked me why I was sad. I told her that I didn't pass that big test I had been studying so long for. She simply said; "Aww.. I okay Mom." She crawled up my legs and hugged me. She hugged me for a long time, patting my back. The best part about that was that she actually consoled me and I let her. It felt really good to be held by her. And she was right. She was going to be okay, no matter what the results and I would be too. J. replied with happy,crying emojis and the word YES. She had passed. My friend J. has had a tough year and to be honest, if anyone deserved damn good news it was her. I was happy for her even if it made my wound sting a little more.
Rob told me that this licensing exam was my Super Bowl. He said that it was really hard to even get to it and that winning the Super Bowl ring wasn't for everyone. Right again. (It would have been so much cooler if I had though.) Later, I packed my make-up knowing that I would need to reapply at some point in the day and headed out to face it. I got to work and J. gave me a long hug. I had e-mailed my bosses, wanting them to hear it from me but also not wanting to have to say the words to them. The phone rang and I was summoned over, it was one of them. I was touched that she had phoned me so quickly. She reassured me that I was still important and she lifted me up and genuinely made me feel better. It wasn't just the words she was saying, but it was the act in her phoning me. I was really touched.
The people I work for have been encouraging me not to give up. They think that there still is a way for me to get certified. I have looked into other options; taking the OSPE again in April and then going to another province that is still offering the bridging program and registering there. That would include more fees, money to travel, finding a place to stay, finding a store to work at that would offer me a short stay to get my 500 prescriptions checked and of course, writing the Jurisprudence in their province. (Learning the other province's laws, etc.) Rob and I decided that that would be too much. After the year I had, I don't think I have it in me to do all of that. But I'm making peace with it.
So the big question is; what have I taken from this experience? I'm more valued than I ever realized. People care about me and it is a surprising and pleasant feeling. I wasn't meant to be a registered technician, so I won't be. Simple. I was recently inspired by Michael Strahan's book "Wake Up Happy". In it he mentions waking up inspired and excited to start the day. So I'm exploring the idea of my first attempt at writing a book. I don't know what it would be about yet. But I took one entire year to educate myself in pharmacy and it was really, really challenging. I took on doing something that interests me but is most definitely not something that I'm passionate about. It was an opportunity. But imagine what I could do with something I love? I imagine that if I just tried and dedicated some time into writing something I might just come up with something. I think I would wake up very happy and very excited about my days if I knew it included writing...
And I can't help but listen and believe the wisest words that came from one 2 and half year old;
" I Okay..."