If Heaven Had A Phone Number...

Today I feel sad. I live day by day, but I can't hide the fact that a piece of me is gone. My dad. I joke about death and how I wish I could phone him in heaven to ask him where things were. But in all honestly, it's not really all that funny. It's much like me; sad. I long for his presence, his voice today. One hug, one smile... anything. All I have now are memories and photographs. I am so afraid that he is going to fade away in my mind and I won't remember what his hands looked like, or how he laughed.
I hate crying. I hate it so much. I know that crying is natural but I know that it doesn't help and only makes me feel sorry for myself. I don't want to have people feel sorry for me. Yet, when I hear about people losing their loved ones I always remember feeling so badly for them. Not being able to imagine what it would be like, to lose someone so close to me.
All of the days that are beautiful and sunny remind me of him. He always loved to lay out in the driveway on a lawn chair in the heat, tanning. Even in October, if the sun was shining he'd be out there, in shorts sun tanning. Hilarious. Now it's memories like that, which I cling onto so dearly, afraid, unable to let go. How do you let go? Are you supposed to, in order to move on?
I hate thinking that my dad isn't alive. He's dead. So now what? Who do I go to for all the things that my dad took care of? He was always just there. I never really took the time to sit back and think, wow what a guy. I just avoided him whenever he'd come home from work. I'd step aside and let him and mom hang out and talk about their day in peace. Strange how that works now that I think back to it. Did I do that because some part of me knew that they didn't have a lot of time together? Or did I do that because I felt like I had better things to do? I am not sure. I am not sure about many things. I am just sad.
If Heaven had a phone number I would phone him everyday so I could remember his voice forever...