Monday, June 20, 2005

In A White Haze

Yesterday was Father's Day. So it would seem appropriate to write about my dad, Bernard Parenteau. But, I didn't even want to phone him yesterday. I felt a curious urge to somewhat resent all dads that were still here on this earth. So unfair of me, but I didn't really care yesterday. I was bitter because my dad, Rudi wasn't here. He loved father's day where he'd get all choked up over the mushy card I carefully selected for him. He would tell us that he didn't want anything for father's day but secretly I know that he did. He could always use a new set of darts, or a new juicer, or something useless in the kitchen. He loved useless things like deep friers. I call them useless because he seldomly used anything like that. Maybe once or twice.

This morning, I woke at 9:14 and I thought to myself, I have to get up to help mom with the house; washing walls, throwing out the huge bags of unwanted things, and most importantly organizing the garage sale stuff. But, I returned to sleep most likely just from dozing off and not having enough ambition to wake. Then I woke again at around 9:42 and I was having the same thoughts, about what needed to be done today. I was thinking about my dream I had about Rudi, and as I was about to give up on getting up. A loud, yet subtle enough knock, with one knuckle it seemed was hitting my door. It was noticeable to me, but at the same time it wasn't loud enough for the puppies at the end of my bed to wake and notice. It wasn't mom, and well I may sound nuts but I do not care. It was Rudi, hitting my door telling me to get the hell up and help my mom. So I did.

The dream, wow what an interesting dream. At the time in my dream I wasn't aware of how important and significant the happenings were until later when I woke up and analyzed them.
I was out at the bar and had to follow my really great childhood friend, Jessie to her weird house. Now this house was big, and it was set up very strangely. For some reason, Jessie was on a snowboard in front of me going down her steep hallways and I was on a board with a thin yellow rope following her, having much difficulty. (Perhaps my mind wanted it to be a tobbaggan but maybe I'm not that creative..haha) Jessie went off past a door and down a dresser around a corner and I was very uneasy about doing so. So I looked around to see if there was an easier way out. That's when I heard a voice. I thought it was Jessie's dad from down below, but there Rudi appeared. To me, in the dream I acted like this wasn't a peculiar occurence, yet I was fully aware that he did indeed pass away. I was up higher than him and it wasn't possible for me to really reach him without jumping down, but I couldn't do so. I don't know if I didn't want to, or if I just was unable to. I don't recall what exactly he was wearing when I think about it now, but I know that I thought; Why is he wearing all white? Out of my dream there is an obvious answer. He was his 55 year old self, grey hair and grey kind of mustache. He was happy to see me and I wasn't really all that excited to see him though I knew it was a rare thing to see him. He asked me a lot about my mom and how she was doing and if she was alright. I told him the truth, and made sure he knew that she was doing okay but that she had her days where she was really sad. I told him that she was keeping herself busy, but I didn't tell him why. In my head, I thought that maybe mom had warned me not to tell him about us moving because it might upset him. I really wanted to ask him if it was okay for us to move, but I didn't. Now I wish I had. He got a little teary and apologized for dieing and putting us through all of the pain. I wanted to cry a bit, but stayed strong thinking I couldn't cry, not infront of him. So I told him that it was okay and that we were getting through it and that we were strong. I don't really remember my exact words, but it was something like that. I remember just wanting to get away, like I was in a hurry. So I rushed him and he came over to hug me. But I was so high up that all he could really reach were my bare feet. So he kissed my feet. And then I believe I bent down and gave him a funny angled hug. And he helped me get out of Jessie's house. I didn't see him after he hugged me though. I just remember I got out of Jessie's house, with his direction, but he wasn't there anymore. Oh, and before, I told him that I had his car, and he asked how I was doing with it. He was always so concerned about that damn car, it's no wonder he asked me in my dream how it was doing.

This dream means a lot to me now. Even though I hate my behaviour of constantly wanting to get away. Not out of fear. I was anxious to leave, but now I wish I could have stayed longer and asked him questions. Even in my dreams I stay strong and don't allow him to see how I am hurting. I was in so much anguish yesterday. I missed him so much, and constantly thought about him all day. We all did. The day wasn't as bad as I had thought it might be. But I sure did miss him entirely. I feel priveleged that I got to dream about him in this way, where I actually had an intelligent conversation with him.

I hate how dreams vanish, even from memory almost completely. I felt the need to share it with my mom as soon as I woke and to write it down so that I can read back to it. Because slowly the very image of him and the words that we shared are fading away. Soon the dream will be nothing but a white haze in my mind...

1 comment:

kailey said...

wow haley that is so awesome contact like that is the best it's closure sometimes. you need to cry! people will not think you arew weak it showws you are human! it lets people know you feel things like they do your bro even said you hadn't really busted down fully yet he mentioned a phone call and said it made him feel good to know you were dealing with it! this was a while ago though! give your mom random hugs even if your mad at her it will help. it is just more proof u 2 are there for each other and went through some of the same pain it wasn't your true love but it seems as though he was your true dad spiritually and mentally! i have not had anything that close so i can't say i've been there i experienced feeling like that so long ago and blocked them outta my head so i wouldn't feel that way anymore! i wish now i hadn't it is good to grieve and feel pain because then you get the full healing process~!