Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Times They are a Changing...

The first day that Kyli, my sister came home with her boyfriend, Joe I couldn't help but feel somewhat saddened. I was very happy to have her home for the short period of time, but on the other hand, I knew that once they left, so would our little puppy, Dixie. Now I don't mean to sound childish but I can't help but be lonely for her now that she no longer resides in Hinton.

The visit itself was a very productive one I must say. We accomplished everything that I was hoping for. We cleaned out the entire basement, scrubbing walls that had never been and making it new again. We went through most of the boxes in our garage, filling twenty or more garbage bags and many garage sale boxes. I feel that we needed to go through some of those things together, because alone, we might not have made it so far. It was sad going through our parent's lives basically in twenty or more boxes. We discovered home videos filled with footage of Rudi on them. We treasure the box full of pictures of us growing up with Rudi and all of the fun things that we did. It was a beautiful experience looking at our happy faces in so many of the pictures. We worked for hours, going through tea sets and old bills along with old knick knacks that brought back flashes of memories. I feel a sense of closure from going through all of our things. I feel better because I found those pictures of us with Rudi, and the videos of him being completely nutty. I realized that he was constantly goofing around making everyone laugh around him. Now watching the videos, it was like he had a glow about him, that was positive and contagious. If he was laughing, everyone was as well. He made people smile, and want to be around him.

It had been a long day that we cleaned and sorted through the garage. But part of me didn't want it to end, knowing that that meant I was left to deal with the rest of the mess on my own. Also knowing that the way I felt looking at those pictures would end and I would have to leave my safe place in my mind, remembering that we were moving our lives far, far from where we made the memories in the first place. I knew that I wouldn't have my puppy, Dixie around to keep our minds off of the stress.

Sunday night I sort of felt panicked, like I didn't want to go to bed. Even though my back ached and my body was exhausted from all of the work accomplished. I wanted to stay up all night, so that it wouldn't end. Paul had to work in the morning, so that helped me to let go, and surrender to time. To let go. Now that's a hard one to do. It's not easily done and almost entirely impossible to do on one's own. Like every night before, we picked up our exhausted, dead to the world pup and took her to her bed that she made for herself, under the jackets, on top of a pile of shoes. We added a pillow and blanket to make the place more comfortable for her months ago. Tonight, Paul and I layed her down together, hugging and kissing her fuzzy face. Telling her that we'd see her soon and that she was loved. Like she was a child or something. But it almost felt like that. She came into this family at the worst possible time, when Rudi was first diagnosed, and later during and after his death. She was forgotten and looked at more like an inconvenience more than anything else by most. But Paul and I fought to keep her. We took on the responsibilities, feeding and cleaning up her mistakes. We were even promoted, maybe at the time demoted to the title of Mommy and Daddy. She was our problem. But we didn't look at it that way. She was our baby and she knew that. Letting her go was really hard for me.

Mom told me about a month ago that I had to give her away because the place that we're moving to doesn't allow more than two dogs on the property. Luckily, Kyli and Joe stepped in and said that they would love to have her.

No more than a month later, she is gone. The morning that they left, I hid in my bedroom. I wanted so badly to get up and see her again. But I knew that it would only make things more difficult for me. So I fell back asleep and the next time I woke, they had been long gone. I cried in bed, thinking that I had been a coward for not saying goodbye. Later I realized that it was for the best that I stayed away. It would've made it worse for the dog and my sister, who already felt like the bad guy.

Last night Kyli phoned to inform me that Dixie was taking to the city well, not barking at passerbys anymore. Going to the bathroom outside, rather than in their quaint apartment seven floors up. She was taking walks in the park and entertaining them for hours on end. My heart smiled and I feel better knowing that she's with my sister. She'll treat her well and now they have themselves a little family. Maybe this will make them want children sooner...

I felt like I was losing everything that I loved. But I was just being too dramatic. Like Bob Dylan said, "Times they are a changing." And I just have to get used to that...

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