Working/Strumming Out

So here's my new hobby... I am learning how to play Rob's acoustic. I am having such a great time with it. The reason why this is such an exciting ordeal for me is because I didn't think that I was capable of doing something so "cool"..so complicated. But hell, I am! Rob is sooooooo good for me.. He has shown me so much about myself that no one has ever been able to. He shows me that I am a person that is capable of doing anything. My confidence has lifted so much since I met him. I am really looking forward to what I am going to learn on this guitar. Today is my second day into the basics. I have a pretty good idea of how some songs go..but not

quite good enough to make it sound like it should. Either way, it's fun and I LOVE IT! I went onto a website and found a Jewel tab. It's been one of my favourite songs ever since I started listening to music. It's quite appropriate that I learn this particular song first. I'm even singing along to my clumsy strums. And it doesn't sound all that bad.

I thought Rob's sister Erin had said that playing guitar would be good for when we have babies. But I misheard her.. But then I thought about it.. and it's true! I would be able to sing to my babies once I have them. Or even when I'm pregnant. A singing, guitar playing mom is always appreciated. Moms that sing and play guitar rock.

Rob, Erin and I are going to go to the gym tonight as well. This will be our first time going and I am really looking forward to it. Woo Hoo! So yes, there are a few great things going on in my life right now. So my focus is turned to these things instead of the sadness of this month and next. I am happy to say that I am turning my sadness into positive energy and dedication.

AMEN

The Eye

Today is my mom's b'day. 49 years old. She is having a tough day for obvious reasons. And today marks the beginning of Rudi's sickness a year ago. It's a hard time because well.. it's like we're in the eye of a hurricane and we know it's going to be a whole lot harder very shortly. So it's kind of like a waiting game. I took the day off of work to spend time with her so that she could do whatever at the house and just hear me . She says that because she is home alone all of the time it is just nice to hear me in the house. Sounds sad, but it's the way it is now. Rob, his sister Erin and I are taking her out for an early dinner tonight. So I hope that I could make her day a little bit better considering the circumstances.

So having a blog means that I get to talk about me..so I will.. I am doing okay I guess. But it's the little things that trigger my sadness out of nowhere. I was in Nanaimo yesterday and the air smelt of bbq. I said to Erin..."oh don't you remember when you were little and you could smell the bbq and you'd get chips instead of a vegetable and some potato salad.. Ohhh I wish I could have a bbq with my parents again like when I was little.... " Then I thought about it...and I don't have parents to do that with anymore. I have my mom of course..but parents...doesn't even exist anymore. It was just a harsh reality. It's all sort of hitting me now. But I hold back a little bit before I get really upset. I get upset by myself.. well with Rob rather on our own time. I don't like to get upset other than that.

So Rob's sister Erin is living with us. I never questioned it for a second. She's great. I love her and she is just a ray of sunshine in that house. She's very sweet and I can tell we're going to get along just fine. She's not demanding, or a girly girl or any kind of work at all. You know when someone visits or is staying with you and they take up all of your time..well this girl is not like that. She is awesome. I couldn't be happier with my new roommate. And yes, that confirms it.. I am living with Rob now. I have not officially moved in with all of my things but my room is looking more and more bare as the weeks progress.

This is why I am not online as much and why I am not keeping up with my blog. I admit I truly do miss it too. But I am still writing in my journal so my thoughts are being documented...which is therapy for me. But I will be getting this computer as my own soon.. But I don't want to take it from mom just yet.

I have caught up on just about everyone out there bloggin'..and you all seem to be growing now more than ever. New jobs, new homes, your daughter is growing into a beautiful young woman, or growing out of old habits (binks).... saying good bye to people they've known all of their lives...or family members having to mend their broken hearts.. There are just so many emotions floating around blog land. Glad to be apart of it.

The Downlow

Here I am. I promise I am still around, just not around the computer as much as I used to be! I swear I come back every once in awhile and try to catch up on my stuff and my fellow bloggers and most importantly spending time with mom. I am running out of time with her before I have to head off again..

This blog is just a reminder to everyone that I am still around! I am here and I plan soon on purchasing a digital camera so that I can keep my blog updated with pictures of how my life is going.

A year ago on... the 28th is the day that we took Rudi to the hospital .. not knowing that we would never bring him home again.. It's going to be a very tough month for us, but again.. I know we can do it.

I plan on writing all of my thoughts and feelings down in a notebook and when I decide to have a visit with mom, I'm going to type out my feelings on my blog to share and help make me feel better.

Writing always helps me. So I hope to catch up with everyone later and there are pictures below this blog to update you guys on life with me!

And Holls, I changed my profile pic.. I'm a big girl now. Hehe

A Holiday Catch Up

Our Family on Christmas Eve ~














Rob and I goofin' around













A few nights ago tubbin' at a friend's house













My Oilers, Alex's Canucks~ a life long battle














New Years in Vic ~ Parker and Joe













Bringing in the New Years together














Parker and I .. we got along just fine













The three of us together again..













Another Family Photo

Comfort and Joy

Christmas was okay. It was really great to see my brotehr especially. Lincoln had a good time too. Joe and Linc were like real brothers during the holidays. They were playing drinking games on the computer, laughing, drinking beers and shooting each other in the face with their toy dart guns. Not to mention filming it all on camera and feeding each other lines off of Forrest Gump. It was a Gump Christmas. TBS overplayed that movie over the holidays I think. I thought it was just awesome to see them get along so well but I couldn't help but think of Rob and how he was missing out on getting to know the boys. It just got to me especially on Christmas night. But no big deal.

Drinking. Drinking was something that started up as soon as the family got here. Perhaps to numb ourselves or to make the time pass so that Rob would get here sooner. Don't get me wrong I still had a great time with everybody. I got so loopy that I made Joe play "Grandpa" on his guitar as I sang along, very seriously. Haha.

So December 27th came and it was an anticipated date. Seeing Rob was almost surreal for a minute. First he looked like he did when I first met him, with short hair.. So I was shocked by how different he looked to me. Then actually having him there beside me like he had never left was just so unreal to me.

Our Christmas that evening was so much fun. We sat on a blanket on the living room floor, the gas fire place blazing and our hockey highlights blaring on the t.v and wripped open our presents. His empty house was finally a home again. We have been together since. And like our moms have both said to me; distance makes the heart grow fonder. Kim and Andrea know what they're talking about I think. Being together turned into something much more special since he'd been gone.

Now I find I'm getting lost in the features of his face. From his icy, cool blue eyes to the little gap in between his front teeth. These little things that I notice make me smile, the little details. I get lost in his every detail and this is an exciting feeling. Time really doesn't feel like it exists when I am spending it with him. As cliche' as that may sound.

Celebrating the New Year with him and his buddy Parker was really something else. Parker and I get along like we've always known each other. I can tell that this really pleases Rob. We have been all hanging out like room mates and this is the way that it should be. I'm really glad that it's working out.

To me 2006 represents my hopes and dreams. 2005 represents the end of Rudi's very existence in this world. I want so much for 2006 to be my year. To be a year that will always stand out when I look back on it. I want to be able to say, that this was the year that my life really started to pick up.

I am a sucker when it comes to relationships. I may have grown thorns around my heart but I always end up wanting so much to come out of my relationships. I put all of my eggs in one basket to later find out that I was hurt once again. So this year, I hope for it to be different from all of the rest.

But my feelings for this one are like no other I have had. So no matter what 2006 holds for me.. I have an inkling.. that it just might work out. At least that's what my heart is subtley whispering to me.