Thursday, June 02, 2005

From The Mountains To The Sea...where will I be?

To stay in a life that I know and have learned so much in....
Or to go off to an unknown land far away, to learn so much more ... struggle, warmth, my saviour perhaps?

My mom bought a home outside of Coombs, British Columbia yesterday. We know very little about the island and it was something surprising for all of us. She wants to up and move by next month. Sometimes I think that she hasn't even thought of us yet. Paul and I are young and just new to living together, after EVERYTHING that has happened in my soap opera life. We struggled for awhile to make things pleasant and we have succeeded. So just when everything was starting to sort of feel normal, well as normal as life can be at this point..... We are moving away. Away from everything that I know. From everyone that I know. As much as I complained about this place, I am terrified of leaving it. When I moved I expected my parents to live here forever and for this to be my home forever. Not necessarily this house, but Hinton in general. I understand that my mom needs to leave this town for many reasons. But it's so sudden and the part that hurts the very most is she's running... and I know she'll never look back. Rudi would be proud of her for leaving, I know. But his memory lives in Hinton and with that, this town means everything to me. Even though I despized it for so long. I need to know that I have a home here and I will no longer. It's tough to stomach...

It also doesn't help that with moving, I have to give up so much. Thankfully, my shining star is coming with me with very little hesitation. I am not really sure what I would do if he decided to let me go... He still could, I am not sure. I just don't want him to rescent me or my mom for all of this. He has to leave his entire life behind, as well as his new nephew and his family that are all still in town. Again, how do we cope with that? There is a lot of frustration swimming around us and questions with answers that I fear will be so procrastinated, that we will be left even more discouraged than before. A lot on our plates I must say. Will we last through all of this? Is this our ultimate test? I thought we were through with the harsh tests on our love for one another. Apparently not. But I do know that if only after a year of dating, and we overcome the loops and jumps on the bumpy path we can do anything together, forever. Which will be the most rewarding feeling out of all of this.

This. I have no words to describe 'this'. This is my life and this is how I am to deal with it. Deal with it. I could go on forever, wondering and worrying about what is to come...
I am sick of worrying and bitching and hating my situation. I think from now on I need to live. Let myself live life that I am so very blessed to have. Rudi would want me to just be. Live. Exist for him and let nothing stand in my way. Even if that seems impossible. I can do this. This.

From the mountains to the sea there I'll be...

2 comments:

Gillian Young said...

You'll be fine, and you'll be inspired to write even more with the new experience. Think of it all as a learning experience, even if it's hell, you'll only become stronger and better for it. I like this...this. Can't wait to hear about it, say hi to my home town Vancouver for me.

Anonymous said...

That's a great story. Waiting for more. »