Outside Looking In

He politely interrupts with a soft knock from the inside of the house. His youngest daughter is having a quiet puff of her cigarette on the back patio. It’s dark and she can only see his silouhette.

“What are you doing out in the dark?” He asks.

“I’m just thinking. I like it out here at night. I’m okay..” She replies assuringly.

He tells her that he’s off to bed for the night, that he has to work early and for her to be quiet so he can sleep. He always had a tough time falling asleep. She secretly thinks it is because he doesn’t want to miss out on the rest of his
families’ lives. He would listen and wait for someone to talk loudly on the phone, or bang around in the bathroom. He liked getting up and telling them to be quiet.

As he closes the door, he smiles and realizes that his little girl is full of emotion and thought. She was always a good kid and with that had a smart head on her shoulders.

He enters the living room where his wife lays snoring on the couch, the two puppies surrounding her doing the same. The living room is dim and the t.v is far too loud for the average person to fall asleep to.

“Hey, Kim wake up. I’m going to bed.” He gently pats her shoulder with his solid hands. He shakes her a little rough, but she is used to his clumsy nature.

“What... I’m just..going to stay up for a little bit longer.” She whispers as she fights her head from falling back to her pillow.

His wife is very stubborn and always joins him an hour or so after him once she wakes up again. He calls the puppies to follow him down the stairs towards his bedroom. His feet drag over the plastic lining covering the stairs, as the dogs' nails click with each step. It’s a familiar noise to his oldest daughter and son watching tv in the sitting room. They know that this is warning to turn their tv down and their voices down on the telephone. One is always watching the tv while the other blabs to his girlfriend on the phone.

They get the more official warning, than the youngest. These two always seemed to cause him the most grief when it came to keeping it down at night. But he loved them just the same. Knowing that they were old enough to move out on their own, they were bound to make a little more noise.

“Okay guys, I’m going to bed. Keep the tv down and please don’t talk too loud on the phone tonight. No fighting with your girlfriend.” His voice with authority, but kindness at the mention of his son’s ugly break up.

They agree and go right back to what they were doing. Telling him to have a good sleep.

He enters his room and the dogs jump lazily up on the bed before him. Their tails wagging waiting for him to join them. He undresses and gets into his bed, wrapping the covers right up to his chest.

He sighs loudly as this is the first time he gets to really relax today. He lays there first with his eyes open, looking at the roof. He listens to all the normal noises of his house. His youngest is quietly slipping into the house, carefully clicking the back door closed. He smiles. The other two are quietly talking to one another. Their voices are muffled and faint, just as he’s used to. He can just hear his wife snoring on the couch. He smiles again. His life is fufilled. He has all that he has ever wanted. A nice, warm home to live in. A wife that loves him more than anything imaginable. He has three healthy, happy children that he raised with such care and understanding. He has his family. With that he rolls over and snaps his lamp off..

**Something I wrote in Rudi's point of view

Summer time..when the livins' easy..

I have come to realize that I am enjoying my early mornings a lot more than I've ever before. I feel like I have too much to do in one day off that I actually need to get up at 8:00 so that I have a full day.

Yesterday was my favourite day in a long time. First, it was Rob and Haley's Sunday together which is always better than any day in Haley and Rob's Work Your Ass Off Week. We got up early and layed in bed just talking for a bit. I love those kinds of mornings where you've been up for an hour but you're still in bed chatting with each other. We got up and went to where I work for our cheap breakfast, and sat out on the patio in the already hot sun. We were trying to decide where we would go swimming when I figured out that we were already like all the locals around here. No one likes to swim in the ocean. Everyone's busy looking for pools, lakes...anything but the spectacular ocean that is Qualicum Beach.. Hence...the name of your freakin' town !!!

Our first journey to the beach was kind of like one of those..... "maybe we should scratch that one and start over.." We were bickering at one another for stupid reasons. (FYI- have my period!!!) So we left to make some sandwiches and basically to get out of the scorching sun. It is difficult to be bloated, bitchy, complaining non-stop in the heat of B.C to a person that doesn't care about any of the above and especially won't put up with non-stop complaining. Well excccccccccuse me for being grumpy! On the way home, there was a car that had the license plate.. BEHAPEE. Rob said that was for us, obviously. After that we both perked up.

Our friend James joined us at the beach for Round 2. We played botchie ball and frisbee on a sandbar in the ocean. It was just glorious out. I was chatting with regulars from work as they walked by and a lady with a dog just like my dad has. Apparently this makes me more outgoing and an expert.

Overly Happy Dog Expert Haley: "She's a beauty. Must be a pup. Yeah, she's adorable. You know those kind of dogs age well. You'll be very happy with her!"

W.T.F was I talking about??? Regardless Rob was beaming when I returned to the blanket. He thought it was a nice change from our first visit to the beach. It really was.

We hurried away from the beach by 2 so that we could visit my friend Lauren at her house to swim in her pool.

It was rated 14A, meaning her step mom and dad were there. Along with 5 year old Rudy and 1 year old Faith. These kids were so adorable. Rudy had blonde curly hair and was a complete host the entire time. We had a good time with him. He was showing us his motorized Jeep, from his baby chick Peepers. (which I thought I killed when he put it in my hands. Apparently baby chicks just pass out when they're warm. They fall right asleep instantly!!)

The day was awesome. The boys organized a little BBQ in the backyard while I made new cd's for myself. (mine were stolen, but I'm not getting into that!!!!) They set up a table in the grass with chairs and a fully set table to eat our dinner at. Sometimes men surprise me.

I had a heart to heart with Baby J. before she went to the beach. I dressed her up in all my clothes because like me she's burnt from head to toe. She needed something without straps...and a loose skirt. I am the skirt queen, so she came to the right place.

Summer is finally here. I am up so early today because I am planning on duplicating my yesterday, the best I can. I'm covered head to toe in aloe vera. I look like a shiny, glowing tomatoe..who is prepared for another HOT day by the pool in the sun.

Choi.

D-Day, or so I thought..

Blogs are for personal thoughts without a care ... or consideration of who reads it. I may sound a bit crazy in this post but I can't care. Truth be told it!

A few nights ago Edmonton won their 6th game in the Stanley cup Finals to Carolina. I was ecstatic as this means that there really is a chance for Edmonton to win Stanley. They haven't won it all since 1990. And it has been ten years since Edmonton has even advanced into the conference final. So this is a really big deal for the Edmonton Oilers and their fans. When they won on Saturday, this made it possible for them to win tonight, game 7.. Lord Stanely's cup! Carolina was leading the series.. 3-1.. and for people who don't know what that means.. Edmonton had to win three games in a row and Carolina just needed one more victory and the cup was theirs. Well Edmonton has won 2 games now and tonight is the night.

Anyways, waaaay off topic. I was quite excited and I took to drinking some wine. I didn't drink as much as I usually do. The wine was left over from last week so I didn't drink an entire bottle or half for that matter. I "smoke" a little when I feel like it and so I went to doing that..

Rob's friend looked quite strange to me .. he was saying things that I couldn't really understand anymore. Rob was on my right singing Bob Marley songs.. No Woman No Cry..Three Little Birds. That was it, my head was spinning.. I couldn't function properly, let alone think at all. I just got up and headed for the bathroom. I layed there in a ball hoping that I would stop spinning and come to my senses. The next thing I knew, not aware of how much time went by.. Rob was in the bathroom with me. He was trying to move me, telling me to sit up. Instantly I began my puking marathon. Of course the toilet seat was down and I had messed all over the top and side of it..hitting the garbage for the last bit. I won't get into great detail about the puke and how many times I threw up. But it lasted awhile..an hour or two.

I can honestly say that I was so out of it that I really thought that I was dieing. I was finished on this earth and I was not going to be around anymore. This is the most terrifying feeling. I didn't know who I was, what I was, where I was... I didn't know anything. Finally I came to and Rob is telling me to breathe, to look at him..to focus on something, anything. Apparently I was convulsing and my eyes were rolling into the back of my head. This is because I was passing out with my eyes open, but at the time I probably looked like I was posessed. Like off of the Exorcist when she's puking green (pea soup) all over the room. In my case it was strawberries..lol. Yes I decided to eat an entire container of strawberries about fifteen minutes before my little trip. What I realized after I was out of it and "dieing".. was that Rob kept his cool the entire time. He held my head out of the toilet so that I wouldn't be gurgling in toilet water. He let me lay on my side and puke and then he would gently lift my head wipe everything off of the tile. Then he would wipe my mouth and face so that I was clean. Eventually I was starting to pass out and so he picked up my dead weight and put me on his side of the bed. He undressed me and got me some water, which I refused to drink. I woke again at 4 and he was sitting up behind me making sure I was breathing.. Wow.

The first thing my mom said when I told her this story wasn't what I thought it would be. She said, "You keep this one." And she is totally right. For a bit I was questioning myself. Was I good enough for him. He showed me so much love and devotion, was I giving him the same? I felt like I was lacking the involvement and care in our relationship. I was taking Bob for granted. I loved him the whole time but I was questioning it for much of it.

NOW I am sooooo happy. I am SOOOOOO in love. I think that night had to happen because I needed to realize it. I think that these unfortunate things happen in life, like getting so f*ct up and puking all over myself, for a reason, to help us realize what we have. I have a beautiful life. I need to get my head out of the "doubt" hole and live my life!

All day yesterday I felt so strange. Most likely I was just really hung over and weak. But Rob let me be lazy while he tidied up our house. He did something like four loads of laundry. As the night progressed I thought for some reason that this might be my last night. Maybe I was so happy because I was meant to die tonight. What?? I don't know where this insecurity came from but it was certainly there. I told Rob to check on me if he woke in the middle of the night to make sure that I was okay. He promised. He looked concerned that I was thinking this but not once did he question me, doubt me.. he respected my crazy concerns and went to bed. Wow.

I'm lucky. For being so crazy, I should be alone and I am the opposite of that. I have everything and everyone I love in my life. (- one) !

I think I am afraid of dieing because of Rudi. I think that I fear the unknown because I know that I am not ready to go. Rudi wasn't ready to go if you asked him a month before he was diagnosed..he would have said "Hell no! I want to live my life!" Let's be honest, most people aren't ready to go. They might accept their fate..but they weren't ready. So I fear death because it could be at any time.. I am not completely weird where I won't fly in a plane or drive in a car in fear of an accident. But I think I was so aware of the death issue yesterday because it was Father's Day. I mean I really thought I was dieing the other night. That is some scary stuff.

I feel like I really went through something major. I feel renewed, saved and refreshed. I feel like celebrating my life.. I need to take time to celebrate the fact that I am breathing and experiencing life. A lot of people take things for granted.

Take a minute to just breathe and be thankful for it.

The Scoop

She's home from T.Bay. I missed her. AND her results came back.. Baby J. is A-O.K

I'm very relieved. I'm sure she is too. She looks to be right back to her normal self.

Hi Nono

This is Nono. Polineo Fortinato Carniato. (I wrote it how it is pronounced because I don't know the true spelling. I even looked it up on the search engines, but I couldn't figure it out. Sorry.)

Nono passed away one year ago today.

Rob really looks up to this guy. He's one reason why Rob ended up moving to B.C. Of course I like to think of it as Nono sent Rob here so that he could have a new start..

I was asked to pray for him today. What I did was more of a "Dear Nono" outloud. It went well. I was sitting out in the backyard at our plentiful garden, that we are letting grow wild.

Nono and I, we talked a bit. I didn't hear him but I felt like he was listening.

"Thank you Nono, for being apart of Rob's life in such a way that he wouldn't be who he is without having known you. I love who Rob is and for everything that he stands for. I know that you had a lot to do with that. You are a good person and it is the ones like you that go before us.. and it hurts and effects us so much that you are never forgotten. You will live on in those lives you touched. Therefore, Mr. Carniato you will live on forever."

Thank you for touching my life with the people you loved with all of your heart.

The Key

This is Rob before I met him. But I just love
this picture of him.














This morning I don't have to work until 10:30. I am happy about getting the extra morning time in. But I think my boss is yankin' me around getting me to do closing shifts when I used to always, always open. Oh well, we'll see how that pans out later.

I actually find it refreshing to write before I go to work. I find that in the mornings, or prior to work I am always really appreciative of my extra time and of course Robert. I always think about how much I would miss him if he was always away. When I am at work I am not really missing him as much because I am busy and he's not usually there. But when I am at home and he's at work I really think about him a lot. Especially when I wake up and reach over and feel an empty space my heart just sinks. It really does and I realize that this is almost sappy but it's the truth. I am so sucky in the mornings. All I want to do is cuddle or just latch onto the side of his arm or have him put his arms around me. It is the warmest, SAFEST place I have ever been. I swear terrible things could be happening outside and all around us and I'd still feel right where I need to be in Rob's arms.

I just think about what it would be like without him and it upsets my stomach. I take him for granted when he's playing his electric guitar with the amp turned right up while I'm watching t.v. Haha. I take him for granted when he's singing like Led Zepplin to comercial tunes or this is the best... his own made up tunes. I do take him for granted but only because he is right there. When we are apart I certainly do not take him for granted by any means. And I think that is the key right there.. Some people do not appreciate their partners when they're not even there. To me this is outrageous because I can't imagine doing so. When Rob went back to T.Bay for Christmas I missed that bugger so much. I still remember having to drive home after dropping him off and not being able to see the road through my tears. I was scared to drive in an unfamiliar place and I was so sad having him gone for ... two minutes.

Last night I declared to him out of the blue.. "we're going to do everything together.." Holidays, weddings, day in and day out... it's going to be the two of us from now on. We'll buy our first home, have babies... have neices and nephews.. together. I know I sound lame but I am just realizing that this really is it. That I will not have to look any further because this is my life. I am really and honestly so excited about it too. I know I can't rush into anything. But I really like where we are right now. Our financial situation is okay. We aren't horridly broke or starving. We aren't rollin' in the cash either. But we're making it. I've never felt so useful in a household in my entire life.

I am happy. I was worried for a bit that I wasn't as happy as I had hoped to be. But I just sat back with those thoughts. I let life take me by the hand and show me that ... this really is an amazing man that I am with. That he loves me unconditionally and will never hurt me. I saw what my life will be like with him and I really like it. I am in love with my life.

I think that people search for years for what I have right now. I am very blessed to have it so soon. Though I know that it will take lots of work, patience and understanding to make anything really successful. And I plan on doing all of those things and some. A good friend told me that the best life is one with a good man, some happy babies... A home to go to.. She is right and I see that now.

I couldn't be happier...................



.....welllllll if maybe Edmonton made it right this Stanley Cup Finals.. then I'd be the happiest!

My friend August

I am at the end of my work week and this is a relief. Again I think because it's summer time I am in a party mood. I also think that most people like to get their drunk on after a week of working hard. Every other day or so I check on Erin's MSN Space to see how she's doing in T.Bay She posts her pictures of whatever she's up to on it.

I find I am drawn to her life there and am curious to see how she's doing. I watch how happy she is with all of her friends and how much fun she's having. And all I want is to be there, with her. I want to be around that many girls my own age again. I haven't had a really great time like that with fellow ladies in over a year. I know that I am growing up and that is to be expected. But even when I look onto the other blogs I find the same thing. Of course not as frequent as Erin, as she is nineteen. But the fun is still there and more often than it is for me.

Am I jealous? No. Maybe a little. But not in a negative way... if that's even possible. I just really want to have fun like that again. I find it nearly impossible here. I wonder why. I know that Rob holds me back a bit when it comes to going out because he doesn't have much fun with the girls that I hang out with. His options are fairly low... when it comes to friends for him. But I can't help but think that he is also quite picky when it comes to him choosing new friends. I wish I could just tell him, "Honey, you'll never meet guys like your buddies back home..But there are more out there!" Another thing that holds me back is responsibility. To go off on a binge again would be highly expensive and shiiiiit I know I don't have it!

I don't know if it's Rob and Erin .. but they seem to have a shit load of friends. I always thought it was a guy thing. My brother always had a lot of friends since he was in grade school. My sister and I had a handful of friends that we really liked, but as the years go by we slowly lose touch with all of them but one or two. Guys just seem to be really good at keeping their buddies. It's the whole male/female differences when it comes to friends that I am sure everyone in the world is aware of. Women are dramatic and mean. Men are stupid and fun. It's that simple. Male friendships are kept simple. Women friendships are mainly complicated. That's the difference.

I wonder though when I look at Erin.. Her friendships certainly don't lack drama, but she has lots of friends. And she's still friends with all of them. I see all these girls in all of her pictures and I wish so badly that if I ever went back to Hinton I would have that many girls partying with me and lovin' on me. But the fact is... I wouldn't. When I went back to Hinton Carmelle cut our visit short because her boyfriend's birthday was the next day. Maybe if she realized that we wouldn't see each other for a long time, that she would've stayed for me. Oh well. Another friend had an opportunity to come and didn't because she ... didn't give a shit and I guess she never really did. I mean..her and I were friends but it was a bullshit friendship full of betrayal and deceit... LOL SEEEEEE!!!! I just went off topic completely because my friendships were complicated!!

I am not negatively jealous of Baby J. I just wish that I could have as many good friends as she. But I guess this is my opportunity to build on the ones I have. Though I always say I am going to and never do. I also look at it this way... If Rob and Erin have loads of friends, then I can come and visit in the summer like I am.. and become their friends too.

Seeing all the friends that Erin has does get me really excited for meeting all of them. I bet I'll have a blast in T.Bay. Rob has a lot of people for me to meet so I can't help but be bubbling with anticipation and excitement. I can honestly say that I would rather go there than Hinton anyday. These people look like so much fun.

Even though I get a sort of hollow feeling when I look at the pics, I still feel a tickle of excitement too. So it evens out which means... I can't wait for August!!!