Just Me

This is my family:

Ky,Linc..me




















My Robert..



















My mama and her babies..















Today is just for me.

I am having an extra day before I go back to work, back to my old routine. I feel a bit lost this afternoon. Maybe it's because Rob and I have been together everyday for the last two and a half weeks. Leaving me alone in my house to do whatever I want is what I always look forward to. But today, I just feel kind of out of it.

I decided early on to catch up on my online stuff. I've updated my hi5 account with all of my pictures from my holidays. I caught up on fellow blog friends that I hadn't checked up on lately. I basically have sat on the computer all morning.

Is it wrong to not want to go out? Or to be seen by anyone I know? I just don't feel like seeing people today. Other than my mom and Rob. Mom might be coming over for some chili this evening. I really hope she comes. She's been down lately and has quite a lot going on in her life. If I could have password protected blogs, I would, but I really don't know how.. So I'll just have to leave it at that.

I love my mama and hope that she realizes how much she is loved.

It was so nice having my brother here. He said he was jealous because I had a car and a wicked "beach house." I guess it could be called that. It's near the beach and it is bright orange on the outside. My family is so important to me. Friends are as well. But I am beginning to see how difficult it is to make really good friends, when I'm so far from the people I've known. I just see all of these pictures of old acquaintances back in Hinton on hi5. So many things haven't changed but those pictures always bring me back. They somewhat make me feel guilty or jealous... knowing that I don't have that special bond with anyone back "home". I have a couple of people that I could call good friends. But, even those friends I think I am growing so far from. I know I'll always have something to talk about on the phone, but I wonder if when she phones, she isn't hoping I'm not home so she can just leave a message. I just hope she cherishes our friendship as much as I do.

See this mood? I am all over the place and not making a whole lot of sense. I am happy though. I keep seeing pictures of Rob all over the house or here on the computer and I sigh and think about him. Sometimes I just flat out say to myself, "I love him". Or I am shocked at how good looking he is. It probably doesn't help that I have damn country music singing from my kitchen radio.

Mom's mood changed from yesterday. She might not make it for supper tonight. Oh well. I hope she comes anyway.

I think what I need to do is go buy those tampons I need.. (hence the mood maybe-haha) and come home to my couch, and wrap myself up in a big comfy blanket..and watch day time t.v until I fall asleep. How many people can say that they can really find the time to do that? I know I won't be able to..for quite some time after today..

Heart Strings Attached

The End-

And no Parker isn't really grabbin' it..















Farewell T.Bay!

So it is our very last night. It's midnight.. and we have to be up in four hours. Yuck. But I just can't find it in myself to go to bed just yet. I know that once I close my eyes, it really is all over. I get so attached to people, lifestyles... people.. I'm just sad again. It's like when I left my new found friends in Lafayette. I was so heartbroken leaving them because I knew that I would never find people quite like them again. (Mind you; I never did see them again..and I knew that leaving)

This time is different though. I get to see these people again. Dave's coming in November to visit and I know that Parker can't keep away. I am really hoping that Dan finds time to join us eventually some time too.

I felt such a close bond tonight. We all went bowling, and as corny as it sounds it was so fun because we knew that this was it with these people. I'm sure Rob is even more sad because these are the people he grew up with. He must feel pretty upset knowing that we're going back to a place where we have very few friends. This is our fault we know. But the people aren't quite the same on the island, at least where we are living.

So here I am in my undies typing against the clock as quickly as I can... I am just searching for words to express how I am feeling right now. I am not only sad but I am looking forward to getting back to our old routine. Once we fall back into that schedule things will be just fine. But it's those Vacation Is Over Blues singing in my head. I know everyone gets them. I just get really attached to my vacations.. Well like I said, the people I meet or spend on my vacations.

Rob and I hugged everyone in the parking lot of the "Bowladrome". Parker threw his water at me in my open window as we sped away. Haha- so highschool. But I loved it. A Red Hot Chili Peppers song was playing. It's so funny because when I was in Lafayette, the RHCP were on my summer cd's quite often. So that's it.. I found my theme song for Thunder Bay. Song 2 on the RHCP's new cd. (I'll do my research later.. when I don't have 4 hours to sleep .. )

So when I am asked; "How was your Thunder Bay trip?"

I'll reply, "I really loved the people that were part of Rob's life growing up. As for T.Bay; I'm happy to be home. "

Last Chance

Last Night's Outings-


Rob's girls: Alana and Corrine















El Quadro (it took me ten tries to get them all
to smile!!!)














The happy couple..and Rob's friends..














"I hate you Parker..Errrr!!!"














Saturday- our last night to party on our vacation..

I am sitting here, waiting for things to unfold.. Rob just woke up from a nap. It's 10pm and most people would call it quits for the prospect of going out. Oh no, not Rob. He wants to go to one of the fancier clubs tonight, one I haven't gone to yet. My stomach still hurts from last night.

Last night, I was drinking Extra Strong Bellini's at Moxies, beers at Speers..haha.. and a strong drink at one of the shags (I'll explain those in a later post) and beers at Roxy's.. You'd think that I would be right smashed, but for some reason I felt stone cold sober. I could not figure it out. I think what happened was; I faked sober. I thought I was sober, but when I woke this morning I was soooo thirsty like I had been right wasted. When I look back at the pictures, I look a bit drunk. It was such a shitty drunk, like I had been tricked the entire night that I wasn't. Oh well, hopefully I won't be having one of those again.

We were going to go to Duluth today, but we woke with no one here as well as no vehicles left. So we sat around and waited for someone to come home. They did..but at 4. So we went to the mall to shop instead. It was nice to actually go out for lunch just the two of us. We had a great lunch and were energized for more shopping.

I have come to the conclusion that next time we go on a vacation, we are going to actually go on vacation. This entire time, I have done very little, but it was very far from relaxing. I think this was just the kind of trip that was mandatory. Meeting all of the family and allllll of his friends. So now, I think we'll plan a more, one on one trip for the two of us to relax and be together. Even though, we're always together at home. But everyone knows that Home Together and Vacation Together is quite different.

Tomorrow I meet allllllllll the Italians and family friends.. As for tonight; who knows. I just hope to have a decent time and maybe tonight I'll drink and know I am drunk.

Sneak a Peak

Out and About In Thunder Bay

Like I previously stated; I have been out and about with Rob's friends for the entire time that we've been here. Last night was like the others.. getting drunk and taking lots of pictures to prove it.



The boys the other night at Scuttlebutts ..

















Erin, Alex and I before the bar last night..
















Erin's little nipple pinchers ....Parker loves it.
















This has been my life for the passed week!

Taking A Breather

"Go Dog Go" by Dr. Seus .. this is the theme of my vacation since I got here on Thursday. We literally had not stopped until last night. We have been busy with friends, sight-seeing, more friends, drinking and partying that we just realized we only have one week left of our time here.

I went fishing with eight boys on Sunday. I don't even want to get into how I got to this one lake. Rob's dad is a crazy driver, that does not care if there is a road to drive on.... It looked as if we just decided to turn off the road into the bushes and somehow, we might find the lake eventually. Of course this is his favourite, "secret" lake and he knew exactly where we were going the entire time. At the time, I did not feel like he knew what he was doing... It was an adventure, but one that I won't be forgetting.

Last night Rob and I had the camp all to ourselves. It was actually one of the first romantic things that we've ever done. We were all alone, at the edge of a gorgeous lake. We had a fire in the wood stove, had some candles lit and he even played me a few tunes before bed. It was nice to find my head again after all of the chaos of meeting tons of people and seeing everything I need to see.

I really like the people that I am meeting here because they are all so genuine. Each one of Rob's friends are real.. I like that. I am beginning to understand why Rob talks so much about this place, and it is because of the people, his buddies. They really do make a place like T.Bay feel like home.

Flying Forward

Here I am. I am a long way from home that's for sure. We traveled across Canada the other night on a midnight flight. It wasn't as bad as I had imagined. At the same time, it felt very exhausting getting off of our four hour flight into Toronto. I think the time difference of three hours really does something to the average person as well. We lost three hours mid flight. So to us, it was 2:30 am and the sun was just starting to come up beside us. That is so fascinating. Rob said, "Look baby, we're flying into the future."

Rob and I did fairly well for our first flying trip. We only argued once because we were both very tired, and hungry and thirsty.. Because of all that has happened recently, bottled water and drinks are banned from airplanes and airports. So when a water is ordered anywhere, (which it HAS to be because the vending machines are all closed) a person is over charged and the water has to be poured into a cup. It feels like prison. We were all in our closed off smoking area in the airport and everyone is looking for a light because their lighters all got taken away by customs. we have to look for the man in uniform if we want a light. (pilots, airport staff) We all sit together and exchange war stories.
"I lost my lighter at customs..had to throw it right in the garbage."
"Oh yeah, well they said I could bring my lip balm, and it turns out I had the wrong kind.. not in a tube, but in a little container..and pfff that was the end of that."

We arrived in T.Bay at 7:00 B.C time, 10:00 O.N time. We were ridiculously exhausted from the flight but that didn't stop us. We visited a few of Rob's friends that weren't working and started to drink. But as the night went on, we came to find that we were just too out of it, to even be able to get drunk enough where we could have a crazy, woopin' good time. So we played it low key and were in bed by 12:30 (9:30 our time..hehe)

The weather is a whole different story. It is so humid here I feel like I'm in Louisiana again. I have not felt heat like that. It was only 29 and it felt like 35+. Apparently it is supposed to go up to 46 in the next week. Ahh I can't even imagine what that's like. (I'm talking celcius b.t.w..for those american fans I have..) This morning felt like a real summer vacation morning. I don't even think that that makes sense, but it just felt like I was truly on vacation, because that kind of heat is so welcoming and awesome early on in the day.

I met all of Bob's close guy friends.. el quadro...as I am told together they are all called. I have to force myself to be the tourist and take loads of pictures so we can make a vacation album together. I have some pictures but I'm at a different computer, and doing all of that just might be too much work for me today.

I am happy to be here, learning more and more about my boy each day..

Mornings of the Past

Anticipation. That is all I feel right now. I am anticipating so many things at this point. I am so excited for tomorrow when I get to see my brother again! I still can't believe it's been eight months since I saw him last! To think, we used to live under the same roof for many, many years. It is an odd thing to think back way back when it was normal to live at home, with your siblings.

I was talking about that.. I took myself back to Hinton, in my old bedroom. The mornings where I would sleep in until I felt. Back when sleeping in wasn't something to feel guilty about. I could hear my parents croaky voices coming out of the kitchen in the early mornings. Rudi would be up for work and my mom always, always woke up with him. I could hear Rudi talking to the puppies in his.."sweet puppy voice". I smiled thinking about it. He talked to me like that when I was little too, and sometimes when I wasn't feeling too good. Another smile. Then there would be silence for much of the morning, until my sister woke. She usually got up before me and most definetly before Lincoln. I could hear her and mom having coffee. I think sometimes I'd even hear the coffee brewing. That was usually when I wanted to make myself wake up because I always loved getting in on the morning coffee and smoke.

There would be mornings where Kyli, Mom and I would get up and sit around talking for hours before we'd have showers, get out of our pajamas.. Those were the good old days. When we were all comfortable because we were home. Now when we all get together, someone isn't truly home. At mom's.. she's home, but the rest of us aren't. It's a comfortable place, but it will never be like our homes before, when we all shared the same kitchen and bathrooms.

I can't believe all of that is over. To think that I never really knew what I had. I wish I could tell people to appreciate those small things. I'm sure I'm taking a few for granted here as I sit typing away. We never truly see what we have until we don't anymore. When I think about it, I don't have a mortgage or children to take care of. In ten years from now, even five I'll think about how my life was so good now. No kids to wake me up. My days off of work, were really and truly days off, for the most part.

Being from a divorced home, I am used to the fact that my "family" aren't together very often. But, now that Ruder's gone, there really isn't a place or time that we'll all ever truly be together again. Well maybe, one day... when we've all passed on.. Who knows.

My family life.. awww. Thinking about it is bittersweet. I know it wasn't perfect. We fought and slammed doors as much as the next family. But there's just something about family that nothing exceeds. Family is it. It's there always, whether a person likes it .. or not.

Tomorrow I work, and wish I didn't. Only because my brother gets in early in the morning and I have to be tortured, knowing he's here and not be able to get to see him until after four. He said he'd probably stop by my work. I'm excited, but that's even more torture really! I'll want to tag along like I always did. When I was four and busted them for sneaking out in the hallway to watch t.v after bedtime. They said I had huge feet (though I think they were exxagerating!) and I'd stomp really loud behind them and this would be the siren that allowed our folks to know we were out of bed..again. Or.. when Kyli and Lincoln went to their firsts day of highschool together.. I sat in the window and watched them as they nervously walked down the road to their bus stop, wishing so much that I could go. Fully knowing that one day I would have to do that same walk... but without them. It's not as drastic of a feeling this time around but I am going to wish to run after them as they leave the shop.

There will be much more to tell as the weekend unfolds... Pictures to see and more family memories to make, with the loved ones I still have.

Between These Lines

Timid- lacking self confidence, fearful and hesitant.

I have been told recently that I am far too timid. That I am so far gone into timid, that she worries. She wants to get me out of my little, timid turtle shell ASAP. Hmmm..

Of course I am immediately offended, as I usually react to anything such as this. But for some reason I can't seem to shake it. I think that reason is because.. it's true.

I hate it when people are insecure. I don't let others know it right away. Though I do have a problem with eye contact. I've had this for so many years. She blames my mom for not distilling this quality a person is supposed to aquire from his parents. Hmm.. again I am offended. Don't attack the parents. Especially my mom because it hasn't been easy for her. I'm not talking about recently either. Ever. Life has not been easy for her ever. So back off.

But again, she is correct. I do have a problem with eye contact. Someone told me once, that I had sad eyes. That comment has really stuck with me. I guess I have to trust a person to really look into his eyes. So at work I will gaze. But I won't stay on them. Today for instance a man was looking right into my eyes. He was with another woman and it made me uncomfortable. I figured he was trying to pull me in or something, have a silent affair. Why do I think such things? You'd think I've been through more in my life, like being sexually assaulted.

So what's with this trust issue I have? I still don't get it. I could be my own psychologist..and really dig deep:

1- your parents were divorced at a young age. This causes you early disapointment in life. Teaching you not to let yourself get hurt.
2- you have had some pretty ugly relationships in your past. One being a first love that turned into a cheating, suicidal, coke head. (though I think things are better for him. And I'm glad)..Another being.. When the going got tough, the tough certainly didn't get going..rather he decided to stay behind and leave me to face my new life alone. (and i know he's doing just fine. And that is another good thing.)
3- the one man you could rely on died suddenly, leaving you with this feeling of betrayal.
4- your mom's back. (that is an issue all in itself..and i'm sure a shrink would bring it up.)

Then I met Rob. He was like this teacher..this person that helped me walk again so to speak. He showed me that Love is not always a scary thing. He's been really amazing, since the day we met. He gets cranky from time to time. ahem tonight. But, it was one and my clicking on this doesn't help when he works in the morning.

So there are so many ways in which I can fix this. But how. I guess it's not going to be easy. I'm going to have to do things I don't want to do.

Another thing is I always bail out on everyone. I'm turning into my mom. I just would rather not go to a wedding shower, because... it's a wedding that I don't entirely have close feelings about. I think I would like to go to a wedding shower and be happy for the person, rather than have doubts and not want to say anything, knowing that she's probably heard it from everyone. How can I be a good friend if I'm never there.

Sure I get lonely. But I don't really deserve friends if I never go out with them. Or if I don't answer my phone when it rings. It's silly really. What am I so afraid of?? That's what I ask my mom when she's doing the exact same thing as me. Interesting.

All the answers are within myself. No one can really answer any of them for me. I just have to shut up long enough (in my head..which is entirely impossible, unless I am sleeping and then..I have the most bizarre dreams..) and listen for what I yearn for. I still don't know what that is. Courage? Friends? Confidence? Eye Contact? Assurance that I'll never get hurt again?

I guess I'll just have to wait..and let it come to me. Perhaps all I need to do .. is read this post in a few days..

More In Store..

The boys, being boys..















There are so many great things happening in the next couple of weeks. Kyli and Joe came for a visit. They wanted badly to go to the BlueGrass Festival in Coombs. We all went on Saturday night and it was an okay time, for me personally. Rob got nice and liquored, but I think I held back because I am still taking my antibiotics.

Kyli and Joe seemed impressed again with our living situation. We do have a lovely home, a great backyard, lots of food in the cupboards (apparently..though I thought we were running low. ) It's always nice to impress someone like an older sister, a person I basically dedicated my adolesence to have notice me.

Yesterday was a fun day for sure. The boys went paintballing with Rob's boss. Kyli and I went to Aunt B's. We ate drunk chicken, my favourite macaroni salad and marinated steaks later on in the night. Around four in the morning Aunt B made all of us breakfast as well. I have to say, she is a fantastic host.

Robert and Joseph.... Those two are like peas in a pod when they are together. They get along really well. He definetly is like the big brother that Rob never had. Now that I come to think of it, Joe has two sisters, so it's kind of like that for him too. The two of them can talk up a storm because they always have something to talk about. They both play guitar and sing. They're dating "the sisters". I like that they can confide in each other about us whenever they need to.

The weekend was good. But next will be even better because MY BROTHER is coming to visit!! I couldn't be more excited. I haven't seen him since Christmas. It's coming close to a year that we haven't been around each other. Quite frankly, that is too damn long. Next Wednesday we leave for T. Bay as well. So this August is fun-filled for Rob and I.

I am just really looking forward to getting away from work for more than two days.

This weekend was good, but the ones to follow will be even better!!



At the BlueGrass Festival

Low Expectations

((Insert Pic of Me Bored)) - blogger didn't feel like allowing my other pic to show ...

The clock bells chime in the distance as I sit lazily in my chair, puffing grudgingly on my cigarette. Lately these stolen moments to have a smoke aren't as satisfying.

How is it that I continue to misplace my water every where I go? Or my notebook.. I used to have five notebooks at hand everywhere I looked. Now it seems I'm so busy... doing not much, to write like I used to. How that makes sense, I don't really know.

Each time the bells chime to introduce a new hour, it reminds me that I am still doing the same thing I was doing the last time the bells rang.

I'm not depressed nor am I unhappy. I'm just in a blah state. I have a bladder infection, I'm eating antibiotics and I'm watching Dinner and a Movie's bad skits in between a Ben Affleck chick flick on TBS.

I don't feel like sleeping or staying awake. I'm stuck here in .. limbo? I'm in a place where we're tired from all of our company we just had in July. I'm barely hanging on to every repetitive day at work, anticipating our trip to T. Bay. We have run out of good food and laundry detergent, but we don't want to go buy more food because we know we're leaving for two weeks.

Rob's job is taking a lot out of him. The poor guy works and sweats his balls off every day on top of a roof in the sweltering summer heat. Each day at work I anticipate those same bells that allow me to dash out of those doors. The same doors I swear I am going to run through mid shift oneday because I can. Once I'm off, I return home with big intentions to do the laundry, fold clothes, have a shower, brush my hair.. eat properly. Waaaay down the list... exercise.
HA-fuckin-HA! Not happening anytime soon.

Damn it- I reached for my water again it's still not there!!

I do have to say doing nothing gets dull. But it does feel great, knowing nothing is really expected of me. I think the same goes for sleeping beauty here next to me.

Carpe' Diem..

So Long Sweet Heart..wellll It's Time To Go

August 1st is the day that my Erin, Baby J. moved back to T.Bay.

Airhead is a special girl. She always seems to have a really big impact on the people that she meets. She made so many friends in the short time that she has been living here. I am sure they will all miss her very much.

I have to say, she really gave me the right idea of what it would be like to have a baby sister. I say this because it sucks sometimes but in the end it is usually rewarding. I love Erin like my sister. But she was like a little sister in the sense that she was a bit of a brat while she was here. I am being honest. We had a couple of spats. But really, that's what sisters do. That is what made us closer, and closer. I wish that her and I could've been close. But I think she had it in her head that I was Rob's girlfriend and wherever he goes I go. This is true to a certain extent. I think he's always been quite critical of the people that she chooses to hang out with. So she didn't always want him around. Therefore, I was not really around very much.

Last night I told her straight up that I wanted to spend time with her. I was going wherever she was..and she seemed surprised yet pleased. We had a really good time. Though I kind of spent more time with her best friend Alex, from T.Bay. She was preoccupied with a guy that decided to like her right before she moved. Hmmmmmmm.

But the night ended with me encouraging Erin to steal chimes outside of the health food store .. and I pulled an entire flower plant right out of it's pretty, perfect flower bed...roots and all. Wow, three bottles of Pink Poison (shared of course) will do that to me! My point is, is that I did get to hang out with her the night before she left us. I am so glad that I did too.

Erin had a lot of company for the last little while. I got to meet quite a few people from T.Bay all of which I liked quite a bit.

First off is Amanda, her cutie pie room mate. Who doesn't love this girl? She is a total doll. She wouldn't hurt a fly and she is so modest. I love Amanda and hope to see her when I visit the Bay.

Alex is Erin's best best friend that just got here on Thursday so that she could join Erin on a huge road trip across Canada, back home. There were some obstacles to this new found friendship, that we didn't even care about. (I won't get into detail, not a biggy at all.) I really liked her as well. I spent a lot of time with her last night. She is also a little sweetie.

Taylor and Mark came for short visits. I liked them both and hope to see them soon. I didn't get to know them as well, but what I saw, I liked.

Erin brought a lot of things into my life. She's my little sis now and I am glad that she came for the time that she did, so that we could build the solid relationship that we now have.

I love you "wong" time Baby J.


* I stole these pics off of the computer, just to show these friends that Erin introduced me to..*

Erin and Mark in Vic



















On my b'day..














Alex and Erin partying @ Irish with my Sis.














The crazy couple (joked about calling them
lesbos all the time. haha)















Mark and Erin on the ferry .. coming to HERE