Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Between These Lines

Timid- lacking self confidence, fearful and hesitant.

I have been told recently that I am far too timid. That I am so far gone into timid, that she worries. She wants to get me out of my little, timid turtle shell ASAP. Hmmm..

Of course I am immediately offended, as I usually react to anything such as this. But for some reason I can't seem to shake it. I think that reason is because.. it's true.

I hate it when people are insecure. I don't let others know it right away. Though I do have a problem with eye contact. I've had this for so many years. She blames my mom for not distilling this quality a person is supposed to aquire from his parents. Hmm.. again I am offended. Don't attack the parents. Especially my mom because it hasn't been easy for her. I'm not talking about recently either. Ever. Life has not been easy for her ever. So back off.

But again, she is correct. I do have a problem with eye contact. Someone told me once, that I had sad eyes. That comment has really stuck with me. I guess I have to trust a person to really look into his eyes. So at work I will gaze. But I won't stay on them. Today for instance a man was looking right into my eyes. He was with another woman and it made me uncomfortable. I figured he was trying to pull me in or something, have a silent affair. Why do I think such things? You'd think I've been through more in my life, like being sexually assaulted.

So what's with this trust issue I have? I still don't get it. I could be my own psychologist..and really dig deep:

1- your parents were divorced at a young age. This causes you early disapointment in life. Teaching you not to let yourself get hurt.
2- you have had some pretty ugly relationships in your past. One being a first love that turned into a cheating, suicidal, coke head. (though I think things are better for him. And I'm glad)..Another being.. When the going got tough, the tough certainly didn't get going..rather he decided to stay behind and leave me to face my new life alone. (and i know he's doing just fine. And that is another good thing.)
3- the one man you could rely on died suddenly, leaving you with this feeling of betrayal.
4- your mom's back. (that is an issue all in itself..and i'm sure a shrink would bring it up.)

Then I met Rob. He was like this teacher..this person that helped me walk again so to speak. He showed me that Love is not always a scary thing. He's been really amazing, since the day we met. He gets cranky from time to time. ahem tonight. But, it was one and my clicking on this doesn't help when he works in the morning.

So there are so many ways in which I can fix this. But how. I guess it's not going to be easy. I'm going to have to do things I don't want to do.

Another thing is I always bail out on everyone. I'm turning into my mom. I just would rather not go to a wedding shower, because... it's a wedding that I don't entirely have close feelings about. I think I would like to go to a wedding shower and be happy for the person, rather than have doubts and not want to say anything, knowing that she's probably heard it from everyone. How can I be a good friend if I'm never there.

Sure I get lonely. But I don't really deserve friends if I never go out with them. Or if I don't answer my phone when it rings. It's silly really. What am I so afraid of?? That's what I ask my mom when she's doing the exact same thing as me. Interesting.

All the answers are within myself. No one can really answer any of them for me. I just have to shut up long enough (in my head..which is entirely impossible, unless I am sleeping and then..I have the most bizarre dreams..) and listen for what I yearn for. I still don't know what that is. Courage? Friends? Confidence? Eye Contact? Assurance that I'll never get hurt again?

I guess I'll just have to wait..and let it come to me. Perhaps all I need to do .. is read this post in a few days..


whisky said...

They say that the eyes are the route to our soul.....and we ALL need confidence to bare our souls to others. Don't dwell too much on it, as long as the people you are closest to can look into your eyes and see the love you have for them its ok.

I hope today is a happy one :)




holli said...

Dammit - I could have written that.. word for word for word. I know there is some reason I'm drawn to the things you write.

I always bail on everyone too.. You take some time, figure it out.. or you'll be reading back through these posts 15 years from now wishing you'd invested enough to get it straight.. "way back when."

Anonymous said...

Wow, this hit close to home. I am awful with commitment. I mean I have committed myself to my husband and to my kids, but anything else? I just seem to flake.

Take the time for yourself. It will be so worth it in the end.

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