Our Fallen Fathers

Yesterday was Remembrance Day. Remembrance Day is a time to remember our fellow Canadians that fought in World War I and II, the Korean War and even the war in Afghanistan happening today.
I live in a retirement community. I hear the stories they casually share with one another... They ask which war the other fought in.. They listen and nod in understanding. I see what the wars have done to these people and I have learned to respect them in a special way. With this knowledge I realize that Remembrance Day is taken very, very seriously. The majority of the community lived through those wars. I'm certain they don't just think about it once a year, like so many do..
This day always means something to me because the people in our community re-live something on this day. They remember people they lost and memories they wish not to see.. I woke up, to the noise of drums in the distance. I dashed out of bed, dressed and I hurried to the end of my drive way, juuuust in time to see the parade of veterans, police officers, the cadets and legion members marching by. The bag pipes were being played to the beat of the drum and my heart swelled with patriotism, sympathy and hurt..

I am proud to be a Canadian. We are a loyal nation. We work hard, we stick together as a Country and we are there for other countries.. fighting along side them in a war that isn't even ours. I am always sympathetic to the men and women and family members and friends that were greatly affected by the wars. I read a lot of books and watch a lot of tv specials and movies.. So I believe I have an idea of what it may have been like, but at the same time I realize that I have NO idea what it was like.. My grand mother who left Germany with her husband and four boys in 1957 told me stories about the war.. Stories of anguish and struggle. It was hard on everyone, all sides of it.. So my sympathy goes out to the men and women whose lives ended on the beaches of Juno and Normandy... To the family members who received word by telegram, or from the grave look of a soldier, taking his hat off before reciting the lines that no one wants to hear. Ever.
I also felt hurt .. Pain, for myself. For my dads. My step dad passed away March, 07, 2005 of brain cancer. He was diagnosed February, 01st and taken from us just over a month later at the age of 55. My dad, that always lived away from us, but loved us just the same.. passed away on July 27, 2010 of prostate cancer, at the age of 56. He started out with bladder cancer and tried out the expected treatments for a couple of years. But, once it had spread and he stopped treatments, it was only a matter of time before it consumed him. Cancer consumes.. Takes and takes and takes until there is nothing left to take but our lasting hope for a miracle..
I was married on July 10th and my dad flew out from Alberta to be here for it. He never left his hotel room.. not once. He was too ill. He sat in a dark, hot hotel room, over looking the beach, knowing his baby daughter was getting married and he couldn't even leave his room to be there. I feel an aching, huge sense of loss with my dad's death. I was healing after five years from Rudi's death and then life threw another curve ball we didn't see coming.. and bam. Another dad. Another loss. This one different in every way from the first. All the emotions I feel.. No sense of closure. Our book was closed before it was finished. There was so much more to write... We had so much more to learn from each other. I had anger towards you.. and now, you are gone. Our story left untold..
Remembrance Day is a day to remember our soldiers. But I took it as a day to remember everyone who we've lost...
So.. Here is to Rudi Wirth, a man who loved with his whole heart. He lived each day to it's fullest.. He lead a healthy lifestyle, he loved nature, animals and most importantly his family who he saved and who saved him, so many years ago.
Here's to Bernard Parenteau, a man who always lived his life the way he wanted all along. A very talented musician and singer, full of wisdom and words to make one think. He is the father to three and to three more .. He is my father, always was, always will be.. and what would or could have been will be something I will always wonder.. as I reach my adult life and begin a family of my very own.
I will take with me Rudi's huge heart, his loyalty and his reasoning.. I will take my dad's natural ability with a guitar, his stubborn edge and his goofy sense of humour. I will work towards being the best person, wife, daughter, sister, friend and one day mother.. that I can be because of the most important men that have left me early. They will be the reason why I am good in this world..
So Happy Remembrance Day to everyone who has experienced loss. You are not alone in this world. The ones we love are not lost for good, we will find them again, when it is our turn and they will be waiting for us to join them somewhere, someday.

A Day To Remember...

A Band of Promise

Life As We Know It

I stumbled upon my old journals today. I was feeling ambitious and thought I'd rummage through some old stuff and get rid of it. But of course and as usual.. I opened one of my journals and started reading. I took it into the living room and read the entire thing. I have written in a journal every single day since December 30, 1996. So since then each day has been recorded. After reading the journal I realized things have changed SO MUCH.
I was surrounded with people all of the time. I can't believe how many people I surrounded myself with. Of course it's because I was still in high school and I really didn't have much of a choice. But it just occurred to me that things are so different now. I think of my priorities during this journal and my current priorities. I worried about Josh, or Nate liking me.. Will Kirk know how much he hurt me? Now I worry about how many people are going to come to the wedding, and hoping that we have enough room for everyone we care about. Work was just something I had to do so that I had some extra cash to buy Christmas presents with or to waste at the bar. Work is something I still have to do.. to pay off loans and credit cards and to put away for the upcoming wedding. I was concerned with who to take to prom and being rejected. I'm concerned that I am not as good at my job as I try to be. A good time was being told that I was hot by 3 guys at the bar and making out with one of my guy friends. Now a good time is any Friday because it's finally the weekend! and going to visit my nephew Quinn and getting to bond with him.
I enjoyed looking back at what life was like for me in 2003. But now I am where I'm at and I have to admit.. I'm pretty damn happy about it. I'm happy that I own a house at 24. I am overjoyed that I have my one, best friend to live and grow with and MARRY this summer. I feel like I am at a great place with each of my family members. My best friend is my sister. I look forward to each time I get to see her. We're crossing our fingers in hope that Kyli and her fresh family will move here sometime in the next year. Life would be ideal then.
Life is good. It's nice to look back on how my life used to be and at the same time appreciate where I came from and how I got here. I like where I am and I am anticipating what is to come for me and my future family.

Sum Up

This has been by for the most exciting year for me! And for a lot of people in my life..
I don't even know where to begin...
My sister and Joe were married August 02nd, 2008. I was the maid of honour and Rob was one of the groomsmen. It felt very grown up and real being in my sister's wedding. I always thought about being in a wedding as a little girl. I don't think I put as much thought into my own wedding, but more on being in a good friend's wedding party. It just seemed like more fun to me. Rob got to meet the rest of my family if he hadn't already and we got to meet Joe's family from Nova Scotia. The summer was CHAOS but, we really will never forget the great memories that we created.
My cousin Alex was married shortly after and it had been my second wedding of a close relative. It was beautiful and the weather was phenomenal! Now Alex and Andrew have started their own little puppy family and I think they'll be moving onto the baby stage of their life very soon.
Rob and my 3 year anniversary was in October. Rob got down on one knee in our bedroom and asked me to be his wife. And I tearfully accepted. The ring, was perfect. The moment was sweet. I couldn't believe that I was in that moment. Our engagement. It was really something else to be able to tell our family members that we were getting married. A big, step into my adulthood. And it's something we always knew was coming because we both slipped perfectly into eachother's lives like we'd always been there. We bought our first house together, the one we fell in love in and had our first kiss in the hammock in the backyard. We were in our first wedding together. And now we are having our own wedding in July 2010.
Thanksgiving came and I met my best friend's baby boy Fletcher. Katie and Eric came for a quick weekend visit to catch up and for me to meet our new baby. Fletcher was so good even at 4 months. Eric proposed in our driveway while they were unloading baby toys out of the car. A perfect weekend. Oh, and Ky phoned me when she got home from the long weekend with the news of a baby on the way! Finally- a baby of our own! It was the one thing that would sum up how amazing this year has become!
Kyli has had a fairly good pregnancy. She didn't get morning sickness and I hear that that is rare in a first born. She's gained weight in all the right places and she looks healthier than ever. She is a beautiful woman. She has unique, sharp features that you'd read about in a Jane Austen novel. But pregnant, she remained that same beautiful but with a softer edge and best of all she glows. She gives off so much happiness when we talk about the baby or Joe. She is one happy woman. I'm so proud of that. Their success.
Kyli is to be induced at the end of the month and it could be so soon. I am on a cloud of urgency and anticipation for this new person in our family. I always think of how insane it is that we make people. I think of pictures of me when I was a baby or Ky and Linc. It's so old fashioned. Our parents look young and their styles are laughed at, but admired.
Rob and I get to be aunty and uncle together. We're going to be the FUN ONES! I can't wait to take that on.
My mom did move back to Alberta which was a mistake in my opinion. I don't think badly of her. She needed to get out of Errington. But, I just wished she would've looked at other options closer. Now she may not be able to be there for the birth of her first grandchild. She's coming out this summer to visit and I look forward to having her near.
Lincoln and Dad are getting together this weekend for a man to man kind of talk. Dad spoke to Ky and I about the divorce when we visited him and not in an unfair way. But in a way that we had never heard. We knew mom's story because we were raised by her and it came out here or there. But with Dad we just never asked and he never told. I hadn't thought of my parent's ten year relationship, marriage from my Dad's point of view. It just put everything together nicely and it made sense to me. I get why they decided to split and I respect it on both of their sides. It was a talk that I appreciated and I know Linc will too.
My dad and Shelley are grandparents of two babies. Shelley's oldest boy, Travis and his wife Brigette had their first baby girl. She's the light of Shelley's eyes and she calls dad Papa. Dad's a papa and it suits him. Dallas is Shelley's middle boy and him and his fiance' Nicole had a little one of their own a few months ago.
I was into my third year at Bailey's and I caught an opportunity that I didn't see coming. I got a job with a co-worker's daughter as a Pharmacy Technian. It's a huge step up from what I was doing and I felt like it was my next move.. to get a job that may lead me into a career or at least give me some better experience. It was difficult at first for many reasons, but I'm getting used to the changes and I feel like I've improved immensly.
Life is going accordingly and I am happier than ever to report that every corner feels like a new experience to document and cherish.

Symbol of Love and Companionship

Our date is set.. July 10, 2010..


I don't know when it happened.. but I am this private person that I wasn't.. I prefer to keep my feelings to myself..rather than share with the rest of the world. I guess now rather than before when I first started this blog I have something to protect.. to keep to myself.

I'm getting married. It's still foreign to write or say.. I've been engaged since October 7th and I am surprised at how long it took me to share my news.. in writing. I always thought I'd be a much different bride to be than I have been so far. But I am not disappointed, just surprised at the woman I am slowly transitioning into.

I'll share a little..

Robert is unlike anyone I've ever been with. He is selfless when it comes to caring for me, in any way.
He has a very strong head on his shoulders that encourages me to go out there and do the things I fear I can not.
When I first met him I realized right away that his family was very important to him. Now after our time together, we are family and I feel how important we are to each other.

It's cliche'.. but he is the last person I see when I go to sleep and the first person I see when I wake up.. and it feels right. We fit. He fits.

I look forward to starting our life together as a family of the same name because we've been connected and "married" since the day we met.

By: Little Haley

Today as I was sitting in the backyard.. taking the last sip of my Dr. Pepper.. I noticed.. the contest promotion on the side of the bottle.
I bought the pop the night before at a pop machine down the street. Usually, as a kid the very first thing you realize is the contest on a pop bottle. The sheer possibility of winning something causes a kid to choose that very pop instead of a preferred flavour. It struck me as odd that I hadn't noticed to "look under the cap" for so many years.
Does this mean that I am too grown up and busy with life to notice these sweet pleasures I once enjoyed as a kid? How many caps have I failed to look under to see if I was a grand prize winner of a new Hybrid or a free pop?
As a kid I couldn't wait to grow up. I day dreamed about living with my "husband" in our very own home with a set of twins under my arms. Now, it seems as though I reminisce about road trips with my family. I was always the last to choose my place in the van. I got whichever seat the older two didn't want. I couldn't wait to have my own vehicle, one that I would drive and not have to worry about my seating. Now, I get into an empty car.. with my head full of groceries to buy for the next week, making sure not to spend too much so that we'll have enough for the mortgage payment, or insurance for the very car I now own.
I miss my adolescence. I miss the care free nature I once bestowed. I miss being a family.. Mom, Rudi, Kyli, Lincoln and I all together in one space.
I'm going to take the neglected bottle cap as a sign to see as a child sees. To appreciate the little things in life, that so many adults fail to. I want to embrace that crazy, hippy kid inside.. the one that wore red and green plaid suspenders to school..with a red turtle neck. I'm going to eat a bag of chips and not feel guilty. I'm going to jump into a pile of swept, drying leaves this fall.

My point- peek under a cap and see if you won. My cap said.. Sorry Try Again. And.. I will.

Ladie's Night

I was on the phone with my best friend the other day. She's seven months pregnant with her first child. So you can imagine the conversation we were having. I love picking her brain about her pregnancy because I've always been fascinated with pregnant women and the whole process of it. It's remarkable really and it so happens that my best friend of all time is going through it, and I can ask her anything I want without offending her! So I do - all the time!

I happen to be approaching a milestone of my own right now. Rob and I were informed last Sunday that our land lady is interested in selling the house that we're living in right now. Lucky for us, she asked if we'd like to purchase it privately first. So we've been going through the process of realtors in and out of the house all week. I know that Rob has been taking on most of the stress and he is about to shut down very soon. I feel bad that I haven't had to take on as much stress as him. But we live in a retirement community on the island and where we live it is very difficult for a young couple like ourselves to purchase anything in town. The house we hope to buy is on the main street in town and if there was to be any expanding, this would be the next street to start. So - the property could be worth a considerable amount more than it is now.

I was telling my girlfriend about it when I realized that we were both in the middle of doing some really important things in each of our lives. She's bringing a person into this world, which is HUGE. I'm getting my first ever mortgage with my sweetie. Mortgages, Babies and the only one left really is.. Marriage! Then she realized, my sister who is more like my best friend here is getting married this August. So we're all doing the three biggest things in our lives, just in different order! I thought it was quite the discovery and it just got me thinking.

My sister is happily engaged to her fiance' and they have yet to buy a home. But I know that they're really gearing up to do so. Once Rob and I do (hopefully- he's on the phone finalizing some things right now!) buy a house, we will be able to give my sister advice. My best friend already bought a home, so she's giving me advice and getting me really excited. My sister can give me advice about marriage when the time comes and once I am married I can give my words of wisdom to my best friend. It's so important to have contact with other women in our lives.

I had the day off and I never get weekdays off. So Rob wasn't home and I had the house to myself. I sat in the living room in my robe, drinking tea and I watched the movie, "Too Wong Foo Judy Newmar Thanks for Everything" It's a crazy title, but the movie is about three drag queens that go to a narrow minded small town and have a huge impact on the people in the small town. Wesley Snipes, John Leguizamo and Patrick Swayze play the drag queens. It's a very cute show and it has a really strong message. You need friends in your life. No matter who you're married to, or how busy you feel.. Other women are a need. I know that I feel really alive when I'm with a group of women. I think that's why people love Sex and the City so much because it's empowering to watch. It makes us all long for the same friendships if we already don't have them.

I have one best friend that lives in Alberta. She has been my rock for at least the last nine years. We were pals when we first met in grade two. We had play dates and later on when she moved into my neighbourhood we were always spending time together. But we didn't get really close until highschool. That's when we needed each other the most. She has been there for me for so many BIG DEALS in my life. I hate to say it, but I've had quite a few BIG DEALS in the last nine years! I can only hope that I have been as good to her.

My sister is my true best friend in the sense that she's always been there, literally. Always. Now that we live near one another again, we have rekindled our relationship and I see her at least three weekends in a month. I really cherish our time together because we have so much fun just by sitting beside each other while watching t.v. Nobody knows me better than my sister. So having her in my life is imperative to my very survival!

My mom is also very important in my life for obvious reasons. She's my mom. I'm a total mama's girl at heart. So I feel like I need to have her near me. Sadly she's moving to Alberta this summer. She dropped the bomb on me this morning, that she bought a house today. Wow. Rob had a good point when he said that it's upsetting that she's going to be gone. She definitely made us feel safer, knowing that she was just a ten minute drive away. She was our security if we were ever in a bind. But, that's why it's even more important for her to go. We need to let each other go because we've relied on each other for so long. She leans on me and I like knowing that while she's around I can lean on her. It's healthier for us to be apart, at least that's what I've been told. She'll still be there, just not as close by. Time to cut the chord !

We need our ladies in our lives. The friendships that I still have in my life are there to help me grow, to learn.. to be. So this is a tribute to the best of my best.

These Days

I neglect to write... although I have the time to do so. I just choose not to. I'm not hiding. But I do feel like I need to put more of an effort into my writing. It's what I've always wanted to do. But something has been holding me back. I have a sneaking suspicion it's me. My insecurities, my lack in effort.

I find that in the last little while I've lost interest in doing a lot of things. I am not depressed, no. Today for example it was a beautiful January day. We woke late and I made a nice breakfast. After the dishes were dealt with I was thinking that a walk outside or a stroll through Cathedral Grove for some pictures would be pleasant. Rob had to stop at a music store first and we waited in front of a "Back in 5 Minutes" sign and all I wanted was to get back in the truck where it was comfortable and warm. My intentions are always good. Yet I never seem to follow through with my ideas. I don't like to be cold or uncomfortable. Call me picky.. I know I'm better in the warmer months. I do like to be outside when the weather is better. But I wish that I could be more like people that bundle themselves up to go for a day long hiking trip.

Another part of me just thinks... I am lost. I don't know who I am. Or... I do know who I am and for some reason it isn't good enough for my personal standards. Or.. I'm not trying hard enough to be a better person. What I do know is that I'm confused. I am quite content with staying in doors reading a favourite book. I'm even more content with having a bottle of wine with a friend in the comfort of a home on the weekend. By friend I mean sister or cousin. I don't have too many friends out here still. Again I think that has to do with my lack in effort.

My days have been filled with work and later on - spending time with Rob watching our favourite t.v shows. We sound 80.. But it's what we like to do during the winter months. We kind of hibernate on the weekdays. On weekends we either have my sister and her fiance' over... or we go to Victoria and visit them. On more rare occasions we spend time with my cousin and her fiance'. But really- that has been enough these days.

I've been reading more than ever lately. I probably go through three or four books in a month. We just bought a sturdy, handsome book case. I'm really proud of it. I've always wanted one for all of my treasured books. Each time I finish a book, I put it back in it's proper place and study the rest of the shelves for a new story. Rob and I went to a used bookstore that we discovered beside the music store today. I bought three books and we were rewarded with two more for free. It was fun looking at old books and it's something that I'd like to do again. That actually got me excited. I feel limited with things that I like to do. So this was one more thing to add to the list.

I haven't been up to too much. But I'm okay with that. Winter will be over soon and the months leading up to summer time will be very busy. I'll look back in August wishing I was here in January contently reading my used books in front of my personal, little library.

Bluster of Thoughts

It has been a long time since I posted. I feel like if I had any readers at all, they have all probably given up on me. Thinking that I have finally abandoned my keyboard once and for all. But that's not me. I have not truly stopped writing. I just haven't found the urge to write in my blog. It's not like there isn't a million different things that I could write about. My life has been busy and full of events. I guess I just haven't chosen any to write about just yet. As I sit here, Sunday afternoon, the sun is peaking through the half drawn curtains behind me. I still have no clue what my topic will be today. I do know that I am sick of seeing the same post every time I go online. My blog is my homepage and the last time I posted was I believe late August.
My sister is getting married, my step-brother and his wife just had their first baby last month. My good friend from work quit and moved to the mainland, leaving me feeling a bit alone and sad at work. Rob and I purchased an expensive, wonderful t.v the other weekend to add to our slowly growing collection of household items. My mom broke up with her boyfriend and my brother and I patched up any differences that we were having in the past. An entire list of events have occurred and yet, I don't feel the need to get into any of them.
I don't have writer's block, I have writer's procrastination. I feel like there is so much to write about that I won't be able to cover everything.
I was watching a television show called, Rescue Me. It's a really dark, but clever and humorous show about the firefighters from 9/11. There's a part where the main firefighter is praying to God to keep his daughter alive. He says, "Now I know I haven't been the greatest.. But if there's one thing I would pray for.. it would be to help me out here. Please, please keep my daughter alive..."
I don't know if it was the music playing, or the setting of him in the candle lit, gloomy looking church but I got really upset. I actually yelled at the t.v. "Yeah, it doesn't work!"
Even the outburst doesn't make much sense once I think back to it. But it was the idea of the man begging God to keep his daughter alive. Asking for just that one thing... I was saying it doesn't work because I remember doing that for Rudi when he was sick. I darted out of the room, face full of tears and I dropped beside my bed facing my night stand and I cried. Of course I didn't allow myself to cry for very long. Not even long enough for Rob to notice that I was upset.
I don't really have a point to the story. I just wanted to share it. I'm doing well when it concerns Rudi. It's just strange how someone who used to be apart of my everyday, doesn't really fit into my life right now at all. Kyli and I did something kind of crazy the other night. We had been drinking and we just finished watching my favourite British show called, "Most Haunted". We made our own Ouija board out of paper and a soap dish. (don't ask!) We attempted to contact Rudi on it. The experience is personal and I still don't know how I truly feel about it yet. But it was interesting. It left me feeling... like I wanted more. Like I'd like to get together with her again and try it out one more time.
I guess how I'm feeling is normal. I just miss him. It's Mom and Rudi's 19th Wedding Anniversary tomorrow. I'm just reminded of him every once in awhile. I think of him, less often than I used to. But I don't feel guilty about it. But I certainly do notice when I think of him these days. I think what I need is to sit back and dedicate some time to thinking about him. Allowing myself to feel however it is I feel at that moment. I need to just stop. And think. And not avoid what I am feeling.

A Book To Ponder

"Angela's Ashes" is a well known memoir written by Frank McCourt. It was made into a motion picture in 1999 and many people have read or at least seen the movie. I haven't seen the movie and I plan on it once I've finished the book.

I always read on my lunch break at work. Since my sister let me borrow her seventh and final Harry Potter novel, I have been saviouring each word during my evenings in the comfort of my home. At work, I am constantly interrupted and I can only read for so long. So I am reading two books at the moment. The book "Angela's Ashes" aside from being well written and easy to get lost in, is such a distressing, raw tale of a young boy and his poor family struggling to make it in the world. They move from Boston trying to escape their poverty there after a sibling passes from hunger. Ending up in pre-war Limerick where it proves to be even worse for the family. Frank's Northern Irish father is snubbed and refused work because of where he's from. Not to mention each time he does get some money in his hands he hurries off to the pubs to drink it all away.

Sometimes it's hard to eat while I'm reading what kinds of conditions that they had to live in. The story has really lingered in my mind. I am still reading it and I can't help but think of those boys from time to time. As a kid I had so much and in comparison I was a total brat. Things have changed so much. Parents were so strict long ago and now when I see what kids are like, it's no wonder the old lady behind me is shaking her head. I understand why older folks look down on children now. Some kids are amazing and polite. But to be honest, children are little, brats that have cell phones at eight. I hope to raise my children in the times obviously. I won't refuse them television because young Frankie McCourt didn't have one back in Limerick. But, I want my kids to understand privilege and to be thankful for things, big and small.

This story has even made me look at myself and how I have everything. Some arguments with Rob are so petty when I think of Mrs. McCourt sending her two boys in and out of pubs to find her drunken husband that's drank all of their dole money away. Some people have everything and others have so little. I know that's how the world is, but I just hope that the people that have so much, the privileged, wealthy ones really look at how lucky they are. I'd love for everyone to have to read this book and see how fortunate they are.

As I was walking home from the gym I was thinking about how sweaty my feet were in my running shoes and my mind trailed back to the book. Most kids didn't have shoes at all and I know that most people have at least two pair. I am already so prosperous in just what I have right now. I do want more in my life, but at least I am in a place and time where I can yearn for more.

So now when I am feeling bored, or angry I can stop and question my feelings. I can think about people that are less fortunate and remember that things can always, always be worse.

Glancing at the Path

Reading back into my blog I found some pretty intriguing posts. Back when I referred to Rob as *Him or *He. It's cute how coy I was being even in my writing. I'd play with idea around but before I introduced *Him he had to someone who was going to be around for a while.

It is clear that we're still new in my writing. I don't mention him in every post but when I do it's special. Reading the stories about him bring me back to those times. We were still such a fresh couple with insecurities and feelings held back just in case it didn't work out. But now everything comes naturally. It's nice to see how far we've come every once in awhile.

Today I went with him to one of his "odd jobs." I've only gone with him twice before today but to be honest, I go because we really bond on a totally different level. We're working with someone else but we're kind of buddies too. He is always including me making sure that I feel important too. Like today we had to pack acrylic molds into boxes and organize them in a shed. Rob made sure to give me a job while he packed the boxes. Once I was finished taping boxes together, I handed him the heavy molds. It wasn't fun, fun. But it was spending time with him in a different way. We were explaining to the lady we were helping that we've been together for two years and have a house of our own. She seemed impressed and surprised even. I like thinking that Rob and I really doing something big with our lives at our age. I know that a lot of people move out with loved ones, but it is such a huge step, a commitment. I know that we aren't ready to get married but I also know that marriage isn't too far off the path either. That excites me more than I thought it ever would. Rob is everything I ever wanted. He loves and respects me so much. He is proud of me and is the first to tell others about something I accomplished let it be big or small. And I really look up to him. I'm so proud of the work he does. He's so handy to have around the house, fixing things here and there.

Already we are like a married couple. So this way we'll know each other truly when we are wed.

A Growing Family

An entire month full of family and friends, love and joy has gone by and I choose now to finally write about it. There's only one excuse for my lack of writing and that is because I have been so busy. I've been bombarded with friends and family. But I am glad that we had such an eventful time.
First of all Rob's folks arrived with Uncle Pete, Erin and her buddy Alex in tow. They were here just after July 1st. We had a full house for nearly a month. Like I said, I did enjoy the noise and busy bustle of our house. The weather was really fantastic for everyone as well. So it felt like I too was on vacation while everyone was here. So much that I haven't been going to the gym. ( my only downside.)
Erin and I got along magically. We did before but we misunderstood each other. I wasn't sure that I could be honest with her without her being upset. She taught me to be honest, not to hold back to be polite or because I was afraid of how she might react. She gave me some balls so to speak and I will be forever greatful. The girl taught me a life lesson and I will always remember that.
Sam and Ryan Rhodes ( now, hehe.) were married on July 07th. It was a great wedding. It was so laid back and relaxed. Sam and Ryan really are a couple that represents the miracle of love so sublimely. Their love for each other is something else, something that not all married people bestow. Their faces lit up whenever they saw each other that day. The reception was a lot of fun. There was live music which involved an impressive number of Sam's family and herself. She has the most poetic lyrics and her voice is unique and calming. The wedding experience really was one of my favourite parts of my summer so far.
My birthday was July 16th and I turned 22. Last year Andrea had a big birthday bash for me. So this year we decided to have another one. The yard was cleaned up and Aunty Lou's creative decorating stood out for all of my guests to see. Joe and Kyli came out for the night for me and to see Rob's family again. I was touched by the outcome of guests and how much they all cared to come and spend my birthday with me.
This month has been fantastic. My mom and I have grown apart, but closer all at once. We understand each other a bit better now and we both find comfort in one another. I am happy with her new life and she with mine. Kyli and Joe are getting married next summer!! Joe asked her on July 6th to David Grey's "This Year's Love". I get to represent my sister by being her Maid of Honour next year as well. Lincoln will be in the wedding and so is Rob! We were so excited when Joe asked Rob because we didn't think he was going to. He hadn't said anything about it and I didn't want to push. Even though I really, really did! Our family is growing. I wish Linc was more involved. I wish he could move here and start a new life like all of us got to. My dad is cancer free ! His results came back and there shouldn't be anymore treatments. We'll see how he's doing when he gets his next check up.

Robert and I are doing fantastic. We have grown up significantly since last summer. We continue to and I look forward to seeing how far we've gone in another year's time. Talk of marriage isn't something that we are putting off. We are both grown ups and know that it will be happening in our near future. Not in the next two years, I imagine but soon after. We have other things to focus on right now. Rob's Odd Job business is going well. He fixes odds and ends for people all over our town. They hear about him from other people that he's helped and we get random phone calls for him to rid roofs of moss, or to put in patio stones. I have gone with him a couple of times now. I have earned the name Handy Haley. Handy Haley and Odd Job Rob. How cute. I never thought that I'd actually enjoy helping him out on these jobs, but I do. They're interesting and I get to use his tools. It's cute and fun doing new things together.

In a nutshell, in a few hundred words or so that is what I haven't been writing about. Hopefully I don't wait as long to write another.
Summer time when the livin's easy..
The family- minus one Erin and one Lincoln.












There's Erin- at the church.













Mr. and Mrs. Rhodes


















The newly engaged goofs.














Loving at the Wedding.

Peace Of Mind

Today is Father's Day.

Likely that I would think of Ruder. And I did.

Last year I put together a message in a bottle. Rob and I took it out to the ocean so that I could send my message to Rudi. I threw it weakly, and the tide was crashing in so it came right back to me. I didn't feel good about it so I summed that up as a sign and took the bottle home with me. There it sat on top of the kitchen stove.. for one year.

I had every intention of sending the bottle out once I felt ready. I wanted to make sure that I could let it go. Allow my symbol of Rudi out, without me clutching to it in a sense. The idea floated in my mind all day.

After work Rob and I went to an early movie in Nanaimo. On the drive home Rob played great tunes that put me in a calm mood. Once we were home I reminded him of my hopeful trip to the ocean. I changed into something I thought Rudi would like.

Rob took me to a nice secluded spot that we'd visited before. The sky was just about ready for lights out, but not quite. There were cruise ships glowing in the far distance and the waves were crashing on the shore. The wind was strong, but warm. It was a perfect place, a perfect setting for this special act.

I stood up on a rock and let the wind whip and swirl through my skirt and hair. I stood there listening to the crashing of the waves and the calmness in the wind's voice. He was there. All around me, in everything. The wind, the water, the sky..

When I felt ready I walked towards the water..let the liquid rush through my shoes and soak the bottom edges of my skirt. As I kissed the bottle and held it close to my heart I knew that I was ready. Ready to let him be free. Without any question or worry. He's okay. He's okay because we are. I know that now. I can let Rudi's death go.. allowing all of my fears to float away into an endless sea.

As soon as I let the bottle slip out of my grasp I felt sad.. but not the usual kind. This kind left me feeling at peace. I wasn't ready to let him go last year, it just didn't feel right. I needed to hold on just for another year. I'm glad I did. Today means a lot to me. Rudi doesn't have to feel like his death is holding me back. From being happy. From loving freely. From living my new life.

Happy Father's Day Ruder. You are always with me in my heart- in my love for others and in the way that I live everyday. You are my lesson learned, my inspiration and most importantly you are my daddy. And you always will be.

Write Me A Story Little Girl

As a kid I used to always play business.. Which included mom and Rudi's junk mail... an outdated daily planner from Rudi's work and lots of "Weldwood Pulp Mill" paper. Kyli used to play too which always made it more interesting. Her pretending was so grown up and believable to me. She was a whole whopping five and a half years older than me... So everything she did in my eyes was better.

Today I got home from work. The house was all clean and supper was made and cleaned up. So I was in pretty good spirits. I got to hold my favourite baby Judah after work today. Annette came in and I held him while she ordered some coffees and put them in the vehicle. He's an absolute doll. I feel like after I held him, I had my baby fix for the week. He just relaxed me so much. Rob was in the computer room making cd's. So I pulled my new laptop out of my new laptop case Rob bought for me! I hooked everything up at the kitchen table and I got a drink and my glasses and set those beside me. I felt like that little girl about to play business again! I told Rob, "you honestly made my dreams come true just by buying this for me!" It's true. There's so much potential that lies in this computer. It's that extra oomph to get me writing. It's the subtle voice of my subconscious whispering ideas into my thoughts. I love it. I just have to get on writing something, rather than in my blog. Every time I get that itch to write I write a blog. There's nothing wrong with it- but I really would like to get started on something, anything really.
So instead of being that 21 year old pretending to be a writer, I can actually do the real thing. And get on it!

Laughter with Love

Supper tonight: BBQ'd Smokies,Corn on the Cob, Potato Salad and Iced Tea! Rob looks very into his dinner...doesn't he?

There is fun in the air.. Rob and I are just a bunch of goof balls. We are just ourselves and I think that we bring out the crazy in each other. I am sure all relationships are kind of goofy. But I think we have more fun than most!

We keep things interesting and when we're with friends we make sure to keep our guests comfortable and to show them a memorable time.

We had Dan here again for the weekend. He seems to have a great time when he comes here. The boys are sure to always have fun because they've been best friends for a long time. So they have that history plus they are both completely retarded. Seriously. Some of the stuff that they will do when they're together- is quite hilarious.

My point of this blog is that in any relationship it has to stay fun and interesting. Always have fun and life can be amazing. Laughter is the best way to live through life. Laughing and enjoying the people in it.

So here's a look at our life lately..


Dress up time! Holly and Dan were over.. We
were all drinking and the boys dressed up stupid..
so I wanted to join in too. Don't forget me!














Today- Rob got me to time him... to see how fast
he could eat his cob of corn! (Less than 30 sec..)

Wow, so much to say... and so much to show..

But as for now.. I am sitting in my living room, on my couch typing away on my BRAND NEW laptop. How did I get a laptop out of nowhere...no extra money in the present, past or future...

Rob's friend Dan is visiting this weekend. These two get together and jam their asses off. Rob taught Dan how to play guitar back in the day. So when they get together they live to play. Rob went to pick Dan up from the ferry this afternoon and I was just sitting at home, hot and bored. The weather has been phenomenal for the last few days. I love getting off of work early, but if I don't go to the gym before work these days, I find that I won't end up getting my ass there in this intense heat. So the boys get here after five.

Rob asks me to help him take his tools to the backyard. I'm sitting in the living room a little puzzled...in a new summer dress. I think that he should've asked Dan for help. But I shrug it off and follow him outside. He asks me to bring a flatter box I've never seen before into the house. At first I thought it was an X Box. I discovered Guitar Hero the other weekend and fell in love with it. So I thought Bob bought us one. But I was sincerly mistaken. It was THE gift I have been waiting for for Years!

I saw the little diagram of a laptop on the box. Even Dan said, "You knew what it was..it's like you were acting dumb..like you didn't know what it was.."

That's the truth. I had a feeling, once I saw the picture on the side of the box. But I just couldn't accept that I finally got one!

Writing is my passion, something I've always wanted to do. Now that I can just sit in bed and write whenever, where ever I feel like... I have no limits and most importantly NO excuse to not write. I was born to write...and here is my real, big chance.

When I opened the box I was in utter shock. Rob was so excited about it. He said that it was supposed to be a gift for my birthday but now it wouldn't be. He wanted my birthday present to be a surprise and knew it wouldn't be if it was the lap top I was hoping for.

I can write .... And I've never been so excited about writing like this in my entire life!!

Write on- and believe me, I will..

My Now Time

As for today I feel like I am frozen in time. I went to the gym early this morning, before work. I don't know what's up with me lately. Either I'm coming down with something or I just feel shitty enough to not go to work. So I phoned in and have a full day all to myself. No work. No cleaning up. No nothing. This is my now time.

I get to sit around and think about what is to come this month. Our weekends are filled from here on out. The beginning of summer is practically here. It was 20 last night, which is pretty damn warm for us these days. I am beginning to remember what it is like to have those hot summer nights again. I'm really looking forward to the warm weather. I feel like it is so anticipated all year long and now that it's finally coming everyone is eager to get their flip flops on and their jackets off. Last weekend it was supposed to be record highs. But it was cool, windy and overcast all day Sunday. I noticed that people had high hopes and still wore their sandals, shorts and short sleeved shirts. That's how I feel too. I just want Summer to get here and stay. Goooood summer...that's it.. STAY.

This weekend is still up in the air. But it is a possibility that Rob will be getting his upper body painted for a possible celeb-sited /funky party in Vancouver. Rob a model- who would've thought? But I think it has potential of being a complete blast. Rob's cousin Sam does an amazing job Body Painting for various parties and get togethers all over Vancouver. So this will be a great experience for me to get to see her at work. She's also getting married in July, which is another written off weekend this coming summer.

Rob's 23rd birthday is the weekend after. Kyli and Joe are coming for that. They'll be coming camping with us for Saturday night and then up early for some surfing on Sunday morning. Rob has high hopes that I'll really enjoy surfing. I certainly hope I do too. As long as he doesn't push too much, I should be okay. For some reason, if he's too hopeful and expectant I usually disappoint. So we'll have to wait and see.

Mother's day was kind of a flop. Rob and I kept busy, but I had really hoped to see some of my mom. She did a surprise ten minute drop in at 8:00 when we were watching a movie. It was really nice to see her. I was surprised at how bummed out I was not having seen her on mom's day. I got her a really nice card letting her know that I want to see more of her basically, because I do. Now that she's doing so well, she's a tough person to get an appointment with! My entire family is hard to get a hold of these days.

My dad has been really great this year. He's really pulled through on the whole Being My Dad. I guess it wasn't his time to shine when I was growing up because I had Ruder. But now that I don't..he's stepped up to the plate with every intention of good. He's doing well and I really feel close to him more than ever at this point.

As for the rest of my day off, away from work and life.. I think I'm going to waste it in our newly dressed bed. Bed in a Bag; $140.00 Just perfect timing..nice cool, crisp sheets to slip into..while I watch the Price is Right..and other day time t.v.

Time stands still for a few more hours, before Rob is home from work.. before any interruptions. I get to lay in bed thinking about what is to come. I need this time to prepare for a very busy summer.

Kissin' Mom on Mom's Day.



















Dad- jammin'

Question and Answer.. for the bored.

Well I highly doubt that anyone will have the time to read through all of this petty stuff. But it's a Questionaire type deal that I got from Holli's blog. She's a sweetie and I enjoyed going through her answers and figured that I'd have some fun doing the same. The last couple of questions made me think and those were my favourites. I doubt people care if I like Sprite or 7Up more, so I may have skipped a few. Enjoy if you dare to read..


What is your name spelled backwards? Yelah. Like Old Yella, but that was a really sad movie. Has anyone actually seen it? I've only heard of it and how terrible it is.
What did you do last night? I was a bit hung over from Friday night at Bobbi and Ken's house. So Rob had an old friend over and we watched about three straight hours of UFC fighting. I fell asleep from a long hard day at work, hung.
Have you ever licked a battery? Yes I have. It feels strange and shocking almost. Why, because my brother and sister told me to.
How many cars have you owned? I have owned 2 cars. The Honda that lasted one month and my Pontiac Sunfire that's currently parked because of a battery failure or an alternator mishap.
Type of music you dislike the most: I'm going to say girl rap. The stupid girls that have those whiny voices and they think they can sing and rap.. Oh my stop them now.
Are you registered to vote? I am not sure. I know I didn't when I could've. So I'm thinking not here in Qualicum, but I did in Hinton. This question seems more important for everyone in the U.S. Changes are needed big time. VOTE!
Do you have cable? So many people make me look bad because they don't have cable. "I don't have time for t.v" Well I DO! I love it.
Ever made a prank phone call? Probably, but it was most likely too stupid and immature to mention proudly.
You like anyone right now? I don't usually do these questionaires on my blog. This is why. It's so petty to ask a 21 year old if she likes anyone right now. Yes, I like my boyfriend that I live with.
Would you bungee jump or sky dive? I'd like to say that I would. But I probably wouldn't. I'd have the worst stomach ache from nerves before the jump that I'd be stuck in the bathroom unable to come out.
Furthest place you ever traveled? The south. Louisiana. It was wonderful and I'd love to return one day.
Do you have a garden? No. Well we do have a yard and there is definitely room for one. But I do not find one teeny bit of interest in making one.
Do you know all the words to O'Canada? If I didn't I'd be an idiot. Who doesn't know their national anthem? It's important to know I think. Unless you're too little..or not from here and still learning.
Shower morning or night? Always at night. I never shower in the morning unless I'm on one of my days off. I leave myself very little time for getting ready in the morning.
Best movie you've seen in the last month? Bobby. It was emotional and kept me interested. Oh! Band of Brothers, the mini-series. WOW what an amazing series. Everyone should see it.
Best pizza topping? If from Pizza Hut : ham and pineapple.
Popcorn or chips? I love chips, and am cursed with that craving every night of my life. White Cheddar popcorn that comes in a bag is amazzzzzzzzzing too.
Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? I have never met anyone that has been in one. Do those people exist in Canada? It's not really big here, or at least in Alberta or B.C.
Who were the last people you sat at lunch with? Well this is a funny story. I was on my lunch break and this random guy sat down with me. He seemed really nice but it was just so bold of him to assume it was okay to sit with me on my break. So I just talked and ate my meal and threw in that I had a boyfriend and kept it friendly. Once I was finished eating, I cut my break a bit short and excused myself, shaking his hand. It freaked me out, I am not used to being approached like that.
Orange juice or Apple? Hang over: Tropicana Orange. Any other time: COLD apple.
Fav. chocolate bar? I am a chocolate nightmare these last few weeks. I finally stopped. But there was a definite week or two that I ate some once a night. Those chocolate crunchy eggs at easter got me.
Who is your longest friend and how long? I have friends. But I'd have to say for my most successful friend .. would be Katie. We met when she moved to Hinton.. we were in grade 2. 1992 I believe was the year. 15 years.
Last time you ate a home grown tomato? NEVER. blech.
Have you ever won a trophy? I've won medals but no trophies.
Last thing you bought at a store? Well I didn't buy it. But I was with Rob and his money is my money, soo...it was an ax for camping at the Canadian Tire.
Ever thrown up in public? Yes. I was in grade 10 at a New Year's Party. We were all out of town squeezed into a huge garage. It was loads of fun. But I remember I started smoking cigarettes that night. I mixed that with booze and I was puking into the garbage can in front of a couple. My best friend's older brother and his girlfriend at the time, I believe. Haha. They were snobs, so I still don't care too much!
Would you prefer a million dollars or true love? I'm going with money can't buy you happiness. Lame I know. But I believe it. Where will Paris Hilton be without a family to love her when she's 80.. still loaded, but with no one to share it with.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Sure, I bet some people have experienced that. In our case, it didn't happen. But all of a sudden, Rob was just there right in front of me. That's when I realized I wanted to know him.
Can exes be just friends? With time and most likely when children are involved. No kids, why be friends? Old feelings are always around and I just think it makes things complicated.
Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? I don't like hospitals, for reasons.. But I think I remember it being Rob's sister Erin. She turned out okay, but it was scary.
Did you have long hair as a kid? Well I did for awhile. But mom cut it as short as a boy when I entered grade one. Then we just let it grow.. and grow.
What message is on your voicemail? I don't think anything for me. My mom's been the pits lately and doesn't phone me anymore. It used to be her. Oh my cousin Alex very excited telling me about her new job.
Where would you like to go right now? Hmm somewhere warm. Rob has the window open and the cold air is coming in. My hands are freeeeeezing. Maybe somewhere exotic with my honey. We need to go on a romantic vacation because we have never before.
What was the name of your first pet? Well technically Charlie, our dog was around before I was born... So I'm going with Doodle. My hamster that I named after my grandpa. He was always doodling around, taking his time. Hamsters don't do much, so it seemed fitting. He was also cute like my grandpa.
What's in your backpack? Another odd question.. But Rudi gave me one of his Weldwood work back packs he got for being safe at work or something like that.. I usually have my running shoes inside, with a tampon half hanging out of it's package, haha.. My MP3 player and... a sweaty towel. But for now it's empty.
Last incoming and outgoing number on your phone? Incoming was... Grannie telling Rob that the roof he fixed was leaking. She's just kidding and wanted to mess with him. Outgoing was my sister. I phoned her to see what she was up to and if we could feel around to see if her and Joe were going to be going out. If so we were going to spontaneously drive there for the weekend.
What is one thing you are greatful for today? Having a roof over my head. A nice one, a comfy one that people come to visit and feel like they are staying with a laid back aunty and uncle. I like knowing that we have it well. I love our house when it's all tidy and Rob and I can lay on our couches and relax.
What do you think most about? How my life will turn out. How everything I am doing right now, ultimately effects what I'll be doing next year, and the one to follow. Now that I am growing up I realize that I have started living my adult life. That scares the hell out of me and it excites me. I look forward to buying a house, and getting married and having kids. I want to see my babies .. I want to meet them and soon. I look forward to my life to come and I think about that often.

Easter Spirit

Ohh Easter went so well.

Rob and I had Easter at our house again this year, but this time it was just the two of us. That made it really special.

Saturday night while Rob was glued to the hockey game, I made up little rhyming clues to put everywhere in the house. I bought him candy, chocolates and a Toronto Maple Leafs fleece blanket. We had a fire in the backyard after the game and while he was outside, I weaseled my way around the house, hiding clues and presents. He had no idea.

Easter morning came. I woke up excited but knew that it was too early to wake him. I looked over towards his side of the bed and he was laying there looking at me. Haha, I guess he was ready to get up after all. He was excited because he had a basket with a note from the easter bunny and a wee bunny sitting there beside the bed ready for me to go on my easter egg hunt. I knew that he hadn't gotten me anything for Easter but I didn't know that he was going to use the easter kit we received on me. Even though I knew where everything was hidden I too enjoyed following him to each and every clue. We were showered and fed by 9:30 just in time to head to Parksville for church.

Yes, I said it; church. I went to church for Easter this year. I never go to church period. But I have never gone to church for any other reason besides funerals. So this was an interesting experience for me. I am familiar with the Catholic religion because I grew up going to a Catholic Elementary School. I didn't like it in school because it wasn't really my own choice. I just went because that was the school that my mom chose for us kids. I didn't enjoy religion class and I hated going to church. I was kind of a wuss. The Jesus on the cross after being crucified always scared me. It was life size and hanging on the wall and I just thought it was so terrifying yet I couldn't keep my eyes off of it. I was just bad at going to church, I'd get light headed and want to pass out. After awhile, I think I just stopped going.

But my experience was so much better this time. I went to a Christian Church for my dad when I was in Drayton Valley last. That was too much for me. I didn't enjoy it because going to church there is more like a way to meet people. All of the young people swarm around you and want to know who you are. It's nice but a little too much all at once. In the catholic church, it's more layed back. There are a lot of older people there, all dressed up in their Sunday best. There was an old woman beside me singing in a pitchy, old fashioned voice. It was wonderful. Babies were crying and their moms were running them out of the side doors to shush them. A little girl was singing hymns at the front. The priest had a thick Russian accent and it was hard to understand him, but it was so old fashioned that I felt really comfortable. He wasn't preachy like my dad's pastor. The people didn't stop and introduce themselves when they saw us coming into the church for the first time. Rob was right. The catholic church is very personal. People aren't all over you making sure you're going to come back. They leave it up to you and that's what's best. I personally feel like it is my choice if I want to come back without coaxing or pressure of any kind.

After church we went to the grocery store to pick up our ham. We made deviled eggs out of the boiled eggs we painted the night before. We enjoyed our feast together and curled up on the couch under comfy blankets later. It was a success and so far it was my favourite holiday that we spent together. I liked it more than Christmas which I can't really believe.

I also think that I may pursue going to church again. I won't go to please Rob or for anyone else. I will go for myself. I believe in God, casually. But I have been feeling spiritual lately and I don't mind hearing stories that make me just think. I don't mind re evaluating how I live my life. I don't mind hearing people singing to old fashioned songs. I think that if I want to go again, I will. If not, I won't. But as for Easter, I will be going back each year because I really enjoyed it.