Bluster of Thoughts

It has been a long time since I posted. I feel like if I had any readers at all, they have all probably given up on me. Thinking that I have finally abandoned my keyboard once and for all. But that's not me. I have not truly stopped writing. I just haven't found the urge to write in my blog. It's not like there isn't a million different things that I could write about. My life has been busy and full of events. I guess I just haven't chosen any to write about just yet. As I sit here, Sunday afternoon, the sun is peaking through the half drawn curtains behind me. I still have no clue what my topic will be today. I do know that I am sick of seeing the same post every time I go online. My blog is my homepage and the last time I posted was I believe late August.
My sister is getting married, my step-brother and his wife just had their first baby last month. My good friend from work quit and moved to the mainland, leaving me feeling a bit alone and sad at work. Rob and I purchased an expensive, wonderful t.v the other weekend to add to our slowly growing collection of household items. My mom broke up with her boyfriend and my brother and I patched up any differences that we were having in the past. An entire list of events have occurred and yet, I don't feel the need to get into any of them.
I don't have writer's block, I have writer's procrastination. I feel like there is so much to write about that I won't be able to cover everything.
I was watching a television show called, Rescue Me. It's a really dark, but clever and humorous show about the firefighters from 9/11. There's a part where the main firefighter is praying to God to keep his daughter alive. He says, "Now I know I haven't been the greatest.. But if there's one thing I would pray for.. it would be to help me out here. Please, please keep my daughter alive..."
I don't know if it was the music playing, or the setting of him in the candle lit, gloomy looking church but I got really upset. I actually yelled at the t.v. "Yeah, it doesn't work!"
Even the outburst doesn't make much sense once I think back to it. But it was the idea of the man begging God to keep his daughter alive. Asking for just that one thing... I was saying it doesn't work because I remember doing that for Rudi when he was sick. I darted out of the room, face full of tears and I dropped beside my bed facing my night stand and I cried. Of course I didn't allow myself to cry for very long. Not even long enough for Rob to notice that I was upset.
I don't really have a point to the story. I just wanted to share it. I'm doing well when it concerns Rudi. It's just strange how someone who used to be apart of my everyday, doesn't really fit into my life right now at all. Kyli and I did something kind of crazy the other night. We had been drinking and we just finished watching my favourite British show called, "Most Haunted". We made our own Ouija board out of paper and a soap dish. (don't ask!) We attempted to contact Rudi on it. The experience is personal and I still don't know how I truly feel about it yet. But it was interesting. It left me feeling... like I wanted more. Like I'd like to get together with her again and try it out one more time.
I guess how I'm feeling is normal. I just miss him. It's Mom and Rudi's 19th Wedding Anniversary tomorrow. I'm just reminded of him every once in awhile. I think of him, less often than I used to. But I don't feel guilty about it. But I certainly do notice when I think of him these days. I think what I need is to sit back and dedicate some time to thinking about him. Allowing myself to feel however it is I feel at that moment. I need to just stop. And think. And not avoid what I am feeling.

A Book To Ponder

"Angela's Ashes" is a well known memoir written by Frank McCourt. It was made into a motion picture in 1999 and many people have read or at least seen the movie. I haven't seen the movie and I plan on it once I've finished the book.

I always read on my lunch break at work. Since my sister let me borrow her seventh and final Harry Potter novel, I have been saviouring each word during my evenings in the comfort of my home. At work, I am constantly interrupted and I can only read for so long. So I am reading two books at the moment. The book "Angela's Ashes" aside from being well written and easy to get lost in, is such a distressing, raw tale of a young boy and his poor family struggling to make it in the world. They move from Boston trying to escape their poverty there after a sibling passes from hunger. Ending up in pre-war Limerick where it proves to be even worse for the family. Frank's Northern Irish father is snubbed and refused work because of where he's from. Not to mention each time he does get some money in his hands he hurries off to the pubs to drink it all away.

Sometimes it's hard to eat while I'm reading what kinds of conditions that they had to live in. The story has really lingered in my mind. I am still reading it and I can't help but think of those boys from time to time. As a kid I had so much and in comparison I was a total brat. Things have changed so much. Parents were so strict long ago and now when I see what kids are like, it's no wonder the old lady behind me is shaking her head. I understand why older folks look down on children now. Some kids are amazing and polite. But to be honest, children are little, brats that have cell phones at eight. I hope to raise my children in the times obviously. I won't refuse them television because young Frankie McCourt didn't have one back in Limerick. But, I want my kids to understand privilege and to be thankful for things, big and small.

This story has even made me look at myself and how I have everything. Some arguments with Rob are so petty when I think of Mrs. McCourt sending her two boys in and out of pubs to find her drunken husband that's drank all of their dole money away. Some people have everything and others have so little. I know that's how the world is, but I just hope that the people that have so much, the privileged, wealthy ones really look at how lucky they are. I'd love for everyone to have to read this book and see how fortunate they are.

As I was walking home from the gym I was thinking about how sweaty my feet were in my running shoes and my mind trailed back to the book. Most kids didn't have shoes at all and I know that most people have at least two pair. I am already so prosperous in just what I have right now. I do want more in my life, but at least I am in a place and time where I can yearn for more.

So now when I am feeling bored, or angry I can stop and question my feelings. I can think about people that are less fortunate and remember that things can always, always be worse.

Glancing at the Path

Reading back into my blog I found some pretty intriguing posts. Back when I referred to Rob as *Him or *He. It's cute how coy I was being even in my writing. I'd play with idea around but before I introduced *Him he had to someone who was going to be around for a while.

It is clear that we're still new in my writing. I don't mention him in every post but when I do it's special. Reading the stories about him bring me back to those times. We were still such a fresh couple with insecurities and feelings held back just in case it didn't work out. But now everything comes naturally. It's nice to see how far we've come every once in awhile.

Today I went with him to one of his "odd jobs." I've only gone with him twice before today but to be honest, I go because we really bond on a totally different level. We're working with someone else but we're kind of buddies too. He is always including me making sure that I feel important too. Like today we had to pack acrylic molds into boxes and organize them in a shed. Rob made sure to give me a job while he packed the boxes. Once I was finished taping boxes together, I handed him the heavy molds. It wasn't fun, fun. But it was spending time with him in a different way. We were explaining to the lady we were helping that we've been together for two years and have a house of our own. She seemed impressed and surprised even. I like thinking that Rob and I really doing something big with our lives at our age. I know that a lot of people move out with loved ones, but it is such a huge step, a commitment. I know that we aren't ready to get married but I also know that marriage isn't too far off the path either. That excites me more than I thought it ever would. Rob is everything I ever wanted. He loves and respects me so much. He is proud of me and is the first to tell others about something I accomplished let it be big or small. And I really look up to him. I'm so proud of the work he does. He's so handy to have around the house, fixing things here and there.

Already we are like a married couple. So this way we'll know each other truly when we are wed.

A Growing Family

An entire month full of family and friends, love and joy has gone by and I choose now to finally write about it. There's only one excuse for my lack of writing and that is because I have been so busy. I've been bombarded with friends and family. But I am glad that we had such an eventful time.
First of all Rob's folks arrived with Uncle Pete, Erin and her buddy Alex in tow. They were here just after July 1st. We had a full house for nearly a month. Like I said, I did enjoy the noise and busy bustle of our house. The weather was really fantastic for everyone as well. So it felt like I too was on vacation while everyone was here. So much that I haven't been going to the gym. ( my only downside.)
Erin and I got along magically. We did before but we misunderstood each other. I wasn't sure that I could be honest with her without her being upset. She taught me to be honest, not to hold back to be polite or because I was afraid of how she might react. She gave me some balls so to speak and I will be forever greatful. The girl taught me a life lesson and I will always remember that.
Sam and Ryan Rhodes ( now, hehe.) were married on July 07th. It was a great wedding. It was so laid back and relaxed. Sam and Ryan really are a couple that represents the miracle of love so sublimely. Their love for each other is something else, something that not all married people bestow. Their faces lit up whenever they saw each other that day. The reception was a lot of fun. There was live music which involved an impressive number of Sam's family and herself. She has the most poetic lyrics and her voice is unique and calming. The wedding experience really was one of my favourite parts of my summer so far.
My birthday was July 16th and I turned 22. Last year Andrea had a big birthday bash for me. So this year we decided to have another one. The yard was cleaned up and Aunty Lou's creative decorating stood out for all of my guests to see. Joe and Kyli came out for the night for me and to see Rob's family again. I was touched by the outcome of guests and how much they all cared to come and spend my birthday with me.
This month has been fantastic. My mom and I have grown apart, but closer all at once. We understand each other a bit better now and we both find comfort in one another. I am happy with her new life and she with mine. Kyli and Joe are getting married next summer!! Joe asked her on July 6th to David Grey's "This Year's Love". I get to represent my sister by being her Maid of Honour next year as well. Lincoln will be in the wedding and so is Rob! We were so excited when Joe asked Rob because we didn't think he was going to. He hadn't said anything about it and I didn't want to push. Even though I really, really did! Our family is growing. I wish Linc was more involved. I wish he could move here and start a new life like all of us got to. My dad is cancer free ! His results came back and there shouldn't be anymore treatments. We'll see how he's doing when he gets his next check up.

Robert and I are doing fantastic. We have grown up significantly since last summer. We continue to and I look forward to seeing how far we've gone in another year's time. Talk of marriage isn't something that we are putting off. We are both grown ups and know that it will be happening in our near future. Not in the next two years, I imagine but soon after. We have other things to focus on right now. Rob's Odd Job business is going well. He fixes odds and ends for people all over our town. They hear about him from other people that he's helped and we get random phone calls for him to rid roofs of moss, or to put in patio stones. I have gone with him a couple of times now. I have earned the name Handy Haley. Handy Haley and Odd Job Rob. How cute. I never thought that I'd actually enjoy helping him out on these jobs, but I do. They're interesting and I get to use his tools. It's cute and fun doing new things together.

In a nutshell, in a few hundred words or so that is what I haven't been writing about. Hopefully I don't wait as long to write another.
Summer time when the livin's easy..
The family- minus one Erin and one Lincoln.












There's Erin- at the church.













Mr. and Mrs. Rhodes


















The newly engaged goofs.














Loving at the Wedding.

Peace Of Mind

Today is Father's Day.

Likely that I would think of Ruder. And I did.

Last year I put together a message in a bottle. Rob and I took it out to the ocean so that I could send my message to Rudi. I threw it weakly, and the tide was crashing in so it came right back to me. I didn't feel good about it so I summed that up as a sign and took the bottle home with me. There it sat on top of the kitchen stove.. for one year.

I had every intention of sending the bottle out once I felt ready. I wanted to make sure that I could let it go. Allow my symbol of Rudi out, without me clutching to it in a sense. The idea floated in my mind all day.

After work Rob and I went to an early movie in Nanaimo. On the drive home Rob played great tunes that put me in a calm mood. Once we were home I reminded him of my hopeful trip to the ocean. I changed into something I thought Rudi would like.

Rob took me to a nice secluded spot that we'd visited before. The sky was just about ready for lights out, but not quite. There were cruise ships glowing in the far distance and the waves were crashing on the shore. The wind was strong, but warm. It was a perfect place, a perfect setting for this special act.

I stood up on a rock and let the wind whip and swirl through my skirt and hair. I stood there listening to the crashing of the waves and the calmness in the wind's voice. He was there. All around me, in everything. The wind, the water, the sky..

When I felt ready I walked towards the water..let the liquid rush through my shoes and soak the bottom edges of my skirt. As I kissed the bottle and held it close to my heart I knew that I was ready. Ready to let him be free. Without any question or worry. He's okay. He's okay because we are. I know that now. I can let Rudi's death go.. allowing all of my fears to float away into an endless sea.

As soon as I let the bottle slip out of my grasp I felt sad.. but not the usual kind. This kind left me feeling at peace. I wasn't ready to let him go last year, it just didn't feel right. I needed to hold on just for another year. I'm glad I did. Today means a lot to me. Rudi doesn't have to feel like his death is holding me back. From being happy. From loving freely. From living my new life.

Happy Father's Day Ruder. You are always with me in my heart- in my love for others and in the way that I live everyday. You are my lesson learned, my inspiration and most importantly you are my daddy. And you always will be.

Write Me A Story Little Girl

As a kid I used to always play business.. Which included mom and Rudi's junk mail... an outdated daily planner from Rudi's work and lots of "Weldwood Pulp Mill" paper. Kyli used to play too which always made it more interesting. Her pretending was so grown up and believable to me. She was a whole whopping five and a half years older than me... So everything she did in my eyes was better.

Today I got home from work. The house was all clean and supper was made and cleaned up. So I was in pretty good spirits. I got to hold my favourite baby Judah after work today. Annette came in and I held him while she ordered some coffees and put them in the vehicle. He's an absolute doll. I feel like after I held him, I had my baby fix for the week. He just relaxed me so much. Rob was in the computer room making cd's. So I pulled my new laptop out of my new laptop case Rob bought for me! I hooked everything up at the kitchen table and I got a drink and my glasses and set those beside me. I felt like that little girl about to play business again! I told Rob, "you honestly made my dreams come true just by buying this for me!" It's true. There's so much potential that lies in this computer. It's that extra oomph to get me writing. It's the subtle voice of my subconscious whispering ideas into my thoughts. I love it. I just have to get on writing something, rather than in my blog. Every time I get that itch to write I write a blog. There's nothing wrong with it- but I really would like to get started on something, anything really.
So instead of being that 21 year old pretending to be a writer, I can actually do the real thing. And get on it!

Laughter with Love

Supper tonight: BBQ'd Smokies,Corn on the Cob, Potato Salad and Iced Tea! Rob looks very into his dinner...doesn't he?

There is fun in the air.. Rob and I are just a bunch of goof balls. We are just ourselves and I think that we bring out the crazy in each other. I am sure all relationships are kind of goofy. But I think we have more fun than most!

We keep things interesting and when we're with friends we make sure to keep our guests comfortable and to show them a memorable time.

We had Dan here again for the weekend. He seems to have a great time when he comes here. The boys are sure to always have fun because they've been best friends for a long time. So they have that history plus they are both completely retarded. Seriously. Some of the stuff that they will do when they're together- is quite hilarious.

My point of this blog is that in any relationship it has to stay fun and interesting. Always have fun and life can be amazing. Laughter is the best way to live through life. Laughing and enjoying the people in it.

So here's a look at our life lately..


Dress up time! Holly and Dan were over.. We
were all drinking and the boys dressed up stupid..
so I wanted to join in too. Don't forget me!














Today- Rob got me to time him... to see how fast
he could eat his cob of corn! (Less than 30 sec..)

Wow, so much to say... and so much to show..

But as for now.. I am sitting in my living room, on my couch typing away on my BRAND NEW laptop. How did I get a laptop out of nowhere...no extra money in the present, past or future...

Rob's friend Dan is visiting this weekend. These two get together and jam their asses off. Rob taught Dan how to play guitar back in the day. So when they get together they live to play. Rob went to pick Dan up from the ferry this afternoon and I was just sitting at home, hot and bored. The weather has been phenomenal for the last few days. I love getting off of work early, but if I don't go to the gym before work these days, I find that I won't end up getting my ass there in this intense heat. So the boys get here after five.

Rob asks me to help him take his tools to the backyard. I'm sitting in the living room a little puzzled...in a new summer dress. I think that he should've asked Dan for help. But I shrug it off and follow him outside. He asks me to bring a flatter box I've never seen before into the house. At first I thought it was an X Box. I discovered Guitar Hero the other weekend and fell in love with it. So I thought Bob bought us one. But I was sincerly mistaken. It was THE gift I have been waiting for for Years!

I saw the little diagram of a laptop on the box. Even Dan said, "You knew what it was..it's like you were acting dumb..like you didn't know what it was.."

That's the truth. I had a feeling, once I saw the picture on the side of the box. But I just couldn't accept that I finally got one!

Writing is my passion, something I've always wanted to do. Now that I can just sit in bed and write whenever, where ever I feel like... I have no limits and most importantly NO excuse to not write. I was born to write...and here is my real, big chance.

When I opened the box I was in utter shock. Rob was so excited about it. He said that it was supposed to be a gift for my birthday but now it wouldn't be. He wanted my birthday present to be a surprise and knew it wouldn't be if it was the lap top I was hoping for.

I can write .... And I've never been so excited about writing like this in my entire life!!

Write on- and believe me, I will..

My Now Time

As for today I feel like I am frozen in time. I went to the gym early this morning, before work. I don't know what's up with me lately. Either I'm coming down with something or I just feel shitty enough to not go to work. So I phoned in and have a full day all to myself. No work. No cleaning up. No nothing. This is my now time.

I get to sit around and think about what is to come this month. Our weekends are filled from here on out. The beginning of summer is practically here. It was 20 last night, which is pretty damn warm for us these days. I am beginning to remember what it is like to have those hot summer nights again. I'm really looking forward to the warm weather. I feel like it is so anticipated all year long and now that it's finally coming everyone is eager to get their flip flops on and their jackets off. Last weekend it was supposed to be record highs. But it was cool, windy and overcast all day Sunday. I noticed that people had high hopes and still wore their sandals, shorts and short sleeved shirts. That's how I feel too. I just want Summer to get here and stay. Goooood summer...that's it.. STAY.

This weekend is still up in the air. But it is a possibility that Rob will be getting his upper body painted for a possible celeb-sited /funky party in Vancouver. Rob a model- who would've thought? But I think it has potential of being a complete blast. Rob's cousin Sam does an amazing job Body Painting for various parties and get togethers all over Vancouver. So this will be a great experience for me to get to see her at work. She's also getting married in July, which is another written off weekend this coming summer.

Rob's 23rd birthday is the weekend after. Kyli and Joe are coming for that. They'll be coming camping with us for Saturday night and then up early for some surfing on Sunday morning. Rob has high hopes that I'll really enjoy surfing. I certainly hope I do too. As long as he doesn't push too much, I should be okay. For some reason, if he's too hopeful and expectant I usually disappoint. So we'll have to wait and see.

Mother's day was kind of a flop. Rob and I kept busy, but I had really hoped to see some of my mom. She did a surprise ten minute drop in at 8:00 when we were watching a movie. It was really nice to see her. I was surprised at how bummed out I was not having seen her on mom's day. I got her a really nice card letting her know that I want to see more of her basically, because I do. Now that she's doing so well, she's a tough person to get an appointment with! My entire family is hard to get a hold of these days.

My dad has been really great this year. He's really pulled through on the whole Being My Dad. I guess it wasn't his time to shine when I was growing up because I had Ruder. But now that I don't..he's stepped up to the plate with every intention of good. He's doing well and I really feel close to him more than ever at this point.

As for the rest of my day off, away from work and life.. I think I'm going to waste it in our newly dressed bed. Bed in a Bag; $140.00 Just perfect timing..nice cool, crisp sheets to slip into..while I watch the Price is Right..and other day time t.v.

Time stands still for a few more hours, before Rob is home from work.. before any interruptions. I get to lay in bed thinking about what is to come. I need this time to prepare for a very busy summer.

Kissin' Mom on Mom's Day.



















Dad- jammin'

Question and Answer.. for the bored.

Well I highly doubt that anyone will have the time to read through all of this petty stuff. But it's a Questionaire type deal that I got from Holli's blog. She's a sweetie and I enjoyed going through her answers and figured that I'd have some fun doing the same. The last couple of questions made me think and those were my favourites. I doubt people care if I like Sprite or 7Up more, so I may have skipped a few. Enjoy if you dare to read..


What is your name spelled backwards? Yelah. Like Old Yella, but that was a really sad movie. Has anyone actually seen it? I've only heard of it and how terrible it is.
What did you do last night? I was a bit hung over from Friday night at Bobbi and Ken's house. So Rob had an old friend over and we watched about three straight hours of UFC fighting. I fell asleep from a long hard day at work, hung.
Have you ever licked a battery? Yes I have. It feels strange and shocking almost. Why, because my brother and sister told me to.
How many cars have you owned? I have owned 2 cars. The Honda that lasted one month and my Pontiac Sunfire that's currently parked because of a battery failure or an alternator mishap.
Type of music you dislike the most: I'm going to say girl rap. The stupid girls that have those whiny voices and they think they can sing and rap.. Oh my stop them now.
Are you registered to vote? I am not sure. I know I didn't when I could've. So I'm thinking not here in Qualicum, but I did in Hinton. This question seems more important for everyone in the U.S. Changes are needed big time. VOTE!
Do you have cable? So many people make me look bad because they don't have cable. "I don't have time for t.v" Well I DO! I love it.
Ever made a prank phone call? Probably, but it was most likely too stupid and immature to mention proudly.
You like anyone right now? I don't usually do these questionaires on my blog. This is why. It's so petty to ask a 21 year old if she likes anyone right now. Yes, I like my boyfriend that I live with.
Would you bungee jump or sky dive? I'd like to say that I would. But I probably wouldn't. I'd have the worst stomach ache from nerves before the jump that I'd be stuck in the bathroom unable to come out.
Furthest place you ever traveled? The south. Louisiana. It was wonderful and I'd love to return one day.
Do you have a garden? No. Well we do have a yard and there is definitely room for one. But I do not find one teeny bit of interest in making one.
Do you know all the words to O'Canada? If I didn't I'd be an idiot. Who doesn't know their national anthem? It's important to know I think. Unless you're too little..or not from here and still learning.
Shower morning or night? Always at night. I never shower in the morning unless I'm on one of my days off. I leave myself very little time for getting ready in the morning.
Best movie you've seen in the last month? Bobby. It was emotional and kept me interested. Oh! Band of Brothers, the mini-series. WOW what an amazing series. Everyone should see it.
Best pizza topping? If from Pizza Hut : ham and pineapple.
Popcorn or chips? I love chips, and am cursed with that craving every night of my life. White Cheddar popcorn that comes in a bag is amazzzzzzzzzing too.
Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? I have never met anyone that has been in one. Do those people exist in Canada? It's not really big here, or at least in Alberta or B.C.
Who were the last people you sat at lunch with? Well this is a funny story. I was on my lunch break and this random guy sat down with me. He seemed really nice but it was just so bold of him to assume it was okay to sit with me on my break. So I just talked and ate my meal and threw in that I had a boyfriend and kept it friendly. Once I was finished eating, I cut my break a bit short and excused myself, shaking his hand. It freaked me out, I am not used to being approached like that.
Orange juice or Apple? Hang over: Tropicana Orange. Any other time: COLD apple.
Fav. chocolate bar? I am a chocolate nightmare these last few weeks. I finally stopped. But there was a definite week or two that I ate some once a night. Those chocolate crunchy eggs at easter got me.
Who is your longest friend and how long? I have friends. But I'd have to say for my most successful friend .. would be Katie. We met when she moved to Hinton.. we were in grade 2. 1992 I believe was the year. 15 years.
Last time you ate a home grown tomato? NEVER. blech.
Have you ever won a trophy? I've won medals but no trophies.
Last thing you bought at a store? Well I didn't buy it. But I was with Rob and his money is my money, soo...it was an ax for camping at the Canadian Tire.
Ever thrown up in public? Yes. I was in grade 10 at a New Year's Party. We were all out of town squeezed into a huge garage. It was loads of fun. But I remember I started smoking cigarettes that night. I mixed that with booze and I was puking into the garbage can in front of a couple. My best friend's older brother and his girlfriend at the time, I believe. Haha. They were snobs, so I still don't care too much!
Would you prefer a million dollars or true love? I'm going with money can't buy you happiness. Lame I know. But I believe it. Where will Paris Hilton be without a family to love her when she's 80.. still loaded, but with no one to share it with.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Sure, I bet some people have experienced that. In our case, it didn't happen. But all of a sudden, Rob was just there right in front of me. That's when I realized I wanted to know him.
Can exes be just friends? With time and most likely when children are involved. No kids, why be friends? Old feelings are always around and I just think it makes things complicated.
Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? I don't like hospitals, for reasons.. But I think I remember it being Rob's sister Erin. She turned out okay, but it was scary.
Did you have long hair as a kid? Well I did for awhile. But mom cut it as short as a boy when I entered grade one. Then we just let it grow.. and grow.
What message is on your voicemail? I don't think anything for me. My mom's been the pits lately and doesn't phone me anymore. It used to be her. Oh my cousin Alex very excited telling me about her new job.
Where would you like to go right now? Hmm somewhere warm. Rob has the window open and the cold air is coming in. My hands are freeeeeezing. Maybe somewhere exotic with my honey. We need to go on a romantic vacation because we have never before.
What was the name of your first pet? Well technically Charlie, our dog was around before I was born... So I'm going with Doodle. My hamster that I named after my grandpa. He was always doodling around, taking his time. Hamsters don't do much, so it seemed fitting. He was also cute like my grandpa.
What's in your backpack? Another odd question.. But Rudi gave me one of his Weldwood work back packs he got for being safe at work or something like that.. I usually have my running shoes inside, with a tampon half hanging out of it's package, haha.. My MP3 player and... a sweaty towel. But for now it's empty.
Last incoming and outgoing number on your phone? Incoming was... Grannie telling Rob that the roof he fixed was leaking. She's just kidding and wanted to mess with him. Outgoing was my sister. I phoned her to see what she was up to and if we could feel around to see if her and Joe were going to be going out. If so we were going to spontaneously drive there for the weekend.
What is one thing you are greatful for today? Having a roof over my head. A nice one, a comfy one that people come to visit and feel like they are staying with a laid back aunty and uncle. I like knowing that we have it well. I love our house when it's all tidy and Rob and I can lay on our couches and relax.
What do you think most about? How my life will turn out. How everything I am doing right now, ultimately effects what I'll be doing next year, and the one to follow. Now that I am growing up I realize that I have started living my adult life. That scares the hell out of me and it excites me. I look forward to buying a house, and getting married and having kids. I want to see my babies .. I want to meet them and soon. I look forward to my life to come and I think about that often.

Easter Spirit

Ohh Easter went so well.

Rob and I had Easter at our house again this year, but this time it was just the two of us. That made it really special.

Saturday night while Rob was glued to the hockey game, I made up little rhyming clues to put everywhere in the house. I bought him candy, chocolates and a Toronto Maple Leafs fleece blanket. We had a fire in the backyard after the game and while he was outside, I weaseled my way around the house, hiding clues and presents. He had no idea.

Easter morning came. I woke up excited but knew that it was too early to wake him. I looked over towards his side of the bed and he was laying there looking at me. Haha, I guess he was ready to get up after all. He was excited because he had a basket with a note from the easter bunny and a wee bunny sitting there beside the bed ready for me to go on my easter egg hunt. I knew that he hadn't gotten me anything for Easter but I didn't know that he was going to use the easter kit we received on me. Even though I knew where everything was hidden I too enjoyed following him to each and every clue. We were showered and fed by 9:30 just in time to head to Parksville for church.

Yes, I said it; church. I went to church for Easter this year. I never go to church period. But I have never gone to church for any other reason besides funerals. So this was an interesting experience for me. I am familiar with the Catholic religion because I grew up going to a Catholic Elementary School. I didn't like it in school because it wasn't really my own choice. I just went because that was the school that my mom chose for us kids. I didn't enjoy religion class and I hated going to church. I was kind of a wuss. The Jesus on the cross after being crucified always scared me. It was life size and hanging on the wall and I just thought it was so terrifying yet I couldn't keep my eyes off of it. I was just bad at going to church, I'd get light headed and want to pass out. After awhile, I think I just stopped going.

But my experience was so much better this time. I went to a Christian Church for my dad when I was in Drayton Valley last. That was too much for me. I didn't enjoy it because going to church there is more like a way to meet people. All of the young people swarm around you and want to know who you are. It's nice but a little too much all at once. In the catholic church, it's more layed back. There are a lot of older people there, all dressed up in their Sunday best. There was an old woman beside me singing in a pitchy, old fashioned voice. It was wonderful. Babies were crying and their moms were running them out of the side doors to shush them. A little girl was singing hymns at the front. The priest had a thick Russian accent and it was hard to understand him, but it was so old fashioned that I felt really comfortable. He wasn't preachy like my dad's pastor. The people didn't stop and introduce themselves when they saw us coming into the church for the first time. Rob was right. The catholic church is very personal. People aren't all over you making sure you're going to come back. They leave it up to you and that's what's best. I personally feel like it is my choice if I want to come back without coaxing or pressure of any kind.

After church we went to the grocery store to pick up our ham. We made deviled eggs out of the boiled eggs we painted the night before. We enjoyed our feast together and curled up on the couch under comfy blankets later. It was a success and so far it was my favourite holiday that we spent together. I liked it more than Christmas which I can't really believe.

I also think that I may pursue going to church again. I won't go to please Rob or for anyone else. I will go for myself. I believe in God, casually. But I have been feeling spiritual lately and I don't mind hearing stories that make me just think. I don't mind re evaluating how I live my life. I don't mind hearing people singing to old fashioned songs. I think that if I want to go again, I will. If not, I won't. But as for Easter, I will be going back each year because I really enjoyed it.

Better Days

My favourite moment in a day is when I am completely at peace with my life. As I walked home from the gym the other day, I felt that. I was listening to a beautiful song on my MP3 and I was walking in the sun and the breeze was cool but not steady. I was thinking to myself how amazing my life has become. I look around at the full green trees in the sky and the new flowers blooming. It's almost like the first scene where Dorothy sees colour in The Wizard Of Oz. It's like I haven't seen colours like that since before winter. The sun is beating down on me as I walk and I can't get the smile off of my face. I turn the corner to my street and I see my bright orange house sitting there waiting for me. It's comforting and I remembered thinking, I have to write about this feeling.

Well it happened again the other night. Rob was soar from packing loads upon loads of bundles onto the roof he was working on. I was soar from returning to the gym after my holiday. We walked over to the pool which is about a two minute walk. We sat and cooked in the hot tub. We didn't last long, but it seemed to relax our muscles just enough. As we left the civic centre, we were embraced by the moonlit darkness. It felt like we were on a spotlight as we strolled back to our home. There wasn't a breeze to chill us and the temperature seemed just right. We joked about how we didn't even have to look to see if cars were coming as we crossed because Qualicum is so quiet after 6:00. We love our little retirement town. It's perfect for us. For the most part, there isn't any trash walking up and down any streets here. There isn't litter or dirty roads. This is a beautiful place to live.

As I walked home today from the gym, I was chilly and the wind was a bit more demanding of my attention. But I thought about how fufilling it feels to be responsible for looking and feeling good. I remember being 16 and looking great. But I ate badly, my sleeping patterns were off the wall, I drank too much with my friends at parties and I never even thought about exercising. So I was probably pretty unhealthy. Now that my body is letting me know that I am getting older and skinny isn't something I just get to have, I have to work at it. I like having to go to the gym and work at my appearance. I have to work for a nice, toned, healthy looking body. There's just so much more honour and commitment in that. So for me working out isn't only about looking better. But it really is for me, to know that I am doing something wonderful for myself. I am healthy and in doing so I am happier person for it.

A Place I Used To Call Home

It's been too long.

I got back from my trip to Alberta on Friday. Before I arrived on Friday I was worried about fitting back into my schedule snuggly. As soon as I was in Rob's arms at the airport I knew that everything would fit back into place quite nicely.

My trip was something that I needed to do. I really wanted for so long, to go back to where I'm from. Go back to my roots; country music, lifted expensive trucks, drinking with old friends and visiting with family. But, once I arrived I felt an emptiness that nothing could fill.

First we arrived in Edmonton and stayed with my brother and his girlfriend Jess. They live in a penthouse on top of the Northgate Towers. It's more like a bachelor pad, but it's familiar and I feel fairly comfortable there. We did a lot of dining and drinking while we were there. Lincoln's birthday was that Thursday and we went out and saw lots of old friends of Linc's. The only thing was that I took about seventy pictures, all of which I deleted by mistake before I had the chance to save them. But the night out was a lot of fun, except for the giant drunk fight my bro had with me later that evening. I would rather not get into it, because there's just too much to say and so much that I can't make sense of.

I went onto Drayton Valley with Kyli to visit our dad and step mom. That was a great visit because we got to see lots of family. Dad and Shelley truly are great hosts. And for the first time in a long time, dad really seemed to take on his role as "dad". It was very comforting knowing that he was there and willing to do anything to make our stay a good one. They were great and I am very thankful to have them in my life.

Next I went to Miss Katie's humble abode. Her boyfriend Eric and her live in a "chainsaw massacre-like" small town in the middle of nowhere, haha. But it is quaint and cute all the same. The weather was a factor in my stay in Peers. It was cold and snowing so I think that's why Peers didn't seem as welcoming. But they should be very proud of themselves. They have a wonderful little home and are a very happy little couple. Katie had a room for me that didn't have any cat hair in it, which was puuuurfect. Hehe.

We went to Hinton, where we grew up together. I got to see Carmelle, which was so nice. I pretty well haven't heard from her since I saw her last. So it was refreshing getting to be around her again. I visited with Katie's mom and step dad Dwayne and then later on her dad Gary. It was so nice walking into her parents' homes and having them know me and want to chit chat. I'm not used to people knowing me here and the familiarity was also very comforting. The weather sucks in Alberta and I forgot how unwelcoming the bare trees are, but those mountains painted forever in the distance were breathtaking. I embraced them so much more this visit. I never ever appreciated them when I lived there. But now when I see them I feel happy knowing that we were fortunate enough to live around them for as long as we did.

Our Hinton night out was a success! I saw many old friends and acquaintances. I felt like a million bucks and was just thrilled to be able to tell people that I was living on the island with my boy. Let's just say that I saw the right people and I had a good time.

But, having said all of that. I was so thrilled to come home. This truly is my home and I belong nowhere else now. This trip made me feel more fortunate for what I have. I feel blessed to have been sent this way and I am very pleased with the path I have chosen.

Re-takes of our first part of the visit in Edmonton
Luckily it was our first and last part of the trip.














Us in front of our very first house in Drayton!














On the way to Hinton. Look at those mountains!














It was fun..haha.















My drunken buddies!

No Time To Do Nothing

There's been so much to keep me busy these last few weeks. Even if my life doesn't feel all that exciting and busy it is time consuming. Being me, is a lot of work apparently.

I feel like I work a lot, like most people in the world. I spend another chunk of my "after work hours" at the gym running. But lately I have been skipping a little. I still go at least three times a week. But I do feel a bit guilty. I come home from work, go straight to the gym and then when I get home.. Rob's looking at me to help him with dinner. So I do, or I don't. Then there's possible hostility from him if I don't. Haha. It's just easier to help and then.......... I get to shower.. Then and only then, do I usually get to relax. Of course, I'm not complaining. There isn't a whole lot going on every evening, but it just seems to take up so much time.

We had a spontaneous adventure to Victoria one Saturday after work. We just spent one night there having a few drinks at Ky and Joe's apartment. Sometimes we just need to get out of this little town.

Alex and Andrew invited us to Andrew's place to join them in a turkey roast. Their friends were there and we met a few people. I had a good time because it was so much like back home. There was a big fire in the backyard which is pretty well all bushes. He lives out of town a bit and there aren't a lot of other houses that close by. It was nice to do something different too.

My mom and I have patched things up which is always great! We are learning how to deal with the new in our lives with better attitudes and fairness.

Yesterday was a dreary day for the family. Lincoln sounded down and of course mom was a bit too. I didn't get to speak with my sister but I can bet she probably wasn't having the best of days either. Rudi's been gone for two years now and it doesn't feel like it and yet it does all at the same time.

I miss him but in a different way. It's not as fresh of a loss. So I guess I am getting used to the fact that he is gone, more and more. There is a lot of new going on in our lives lately and that is helping me to move forward with everything.

I'll never forget Rudi, ever. But I have learned to live without him indefinetly. And for the first time I don't feel guilty about that.



We started out with just the two of us when we
moved here and lots has changed since then. But
really, in the long run, it's still the two of us....

Here's To You

Valentine's Day.

A day to be bitter or involved with all of it's ribbons and hearts. I for one choose to be into this day because I am very much involved with my boy. He was on my mind all day while I worked. I watched old couples pass by the shop and it made me curious. How long had they been together? They must know each other so well.

Yesterday an old man stood proudly next to his little lady. Just before I asked him what he wanted, he snuck in a little peck on her little white head. It was the sweetest thing I have seen. Older folks don't seem to show their affection as much in public. To see it was really something else. My heart warmed at the hint of this man's love for his wife.

I only imagine what Rob and I will be like when we're dried up and gray.. We'll be cute I think. He is very affectionate towards me. I, for some reason like to keep my cheek kissing or lap sitting for in our own house. I don't like to be public with my love and I think that's fine. I do like to show him a little extra once in awhile at the grocery store or at the mall. I'll put my head on his shoulder or give his sides a little squeeze just to let him know that I know he's there..

Today was a good day. Rob has made me really realize that the two of us are a little mini family. We will grow on it one day but for now it's just the two of us. My family is scattered all over. I don't want to get into mom but she's off doing her own new thing, with her new and exciting life. She's happy and I'm leaving it at that. I really feel like I am now apart of my own family more than ever.

So Today I celebrate candies, hearts and ribbons.. for my mini family..

Here's to you and me kid!

















He said I bring out the kid in him.... I think so too..

Chinese Food and 5K under my Belt

For the passed week or so I have had this 5k run on my mind. There's an admission fee of $10.00 and that money goes towards cancer. So Bobbi and I decided to go for it. It's good exercise and we'll feel great about it once we're finished.

Saturdays are usually my "Friday" because my days off are Sundays and Mondays. So I have usually had it by Saturday and come home to veg out and be lazy. When I got home I guzzled down a Dr. P and indulged in a plate of QF Chinese Food. QF is our grocery store and they make okay Chinese food but it almost always makes me feel crappy after. I downed it and thought about how much I wish I hadn't. I knew full well that I had to run the next morning but I just didn't seem to care at the time. All night that food was making me feel awful and I was beginning to get a little worried that I wouldn't do as well on my run.

Well I woke up a few times before I had to really get up and get into my running clothes. Bobbi was at the house by 8:30 and we were both sprawled out on my living room floor stretching out our legs. It was really fun. There were probably about forty or more runners. There were kids that looked like they were quite recently pulled out of bed to participate. There were the hard cores, with their tight spandex pants and expensive matching running shirts and flashy Nike shoes. There were chubby ladies that had no intention of running, which was perfectly fine as well.

The count down was over before I knew it and we were all off. It was a beautiful run. We ran through the walking trails and we were completely engulfed in the tropical like trees. Bobbi pointed out the trees above us and how they looked like green lace hanging over our heads. There was a faint mist of rain which was perfect for our sweating bodies. We did it. We ran 5k in thirty seven minutes and seventeen seconds. It was a wonderful feeling. I was overjoyed and felt so proud that we had done it. I am not huge on hugging but as soon as we crossed the finish line I jumped up and grabbed my aunt and gave her a well deserved hug. She's 47 and none of her other sisters would be caught dead out there running like that. We did it.

5k isn't that bad. (3 miles) I thought it would be horrendous but it was nothing close to that. I bet we could do 10k if I avoided the Chinese Food the night before and she avoided the beer and nachos.

I still can't believe I did something like this. I love this new feeling, this new passion to push myself..



Look at my slit eyes..I'm pretty beat..lol!

Run It Off

I just got home from the gym and I couldn't feel any better than I do now. I remember September 07th, I wrote a post saying that I wanted to start working out my body. It was just an idea that I truly didn't think was going to stick. Like my journal, it has stuck. I was eleven years old on December 31st, 1996 and I vowed to my best friend Morgan, that I was going to write in my brand new note book I bought, every day until ... forever. Of course, a lot of kids say that. But here I am ten years later still writing in my notebook every day. So hopefully in ten years I can look back at this moment and realize that I did it.

I really want to be fit because it makes me feel great. People do drugs to get this incredible high and I exercise. It's tough to describe this amazing feeling, but all I know is that when I finish my run on the tread mill and I am really excited to work on my arms, or back, etc. I think the weights really are my favourite part. I remember being a little girl, sitting in Rudi's arms. I promised that the minute I could get into the gym with him I would. At five I promised and at twenty one I am keeping that promise. Even if he's no longer with us, he will always remain strong in my heart and especially when I am working out. I can just see him smiling.

I took some pictures of myself posing, haha. I felt kind of stupid doing it, but then I decided that I wanted to take these pictures to keep track of how my body is doing. In another month I'll take the same pictures and compare to see how much I've improved, or haven't. I still have Rudi's pictures of him at competitions. He's a monster! I think of him a lot these days. What would have been his 57th birthday is on Wednesday. This is two years since he was sick. This month is a difficult one, but instead of being negative and feeling sad and sorry for myself I am going to work harder.

Aunty Bobbi and I are signed up for a 5k run in the Qualicum Woods on Sunday. It's for cancer and that was the key word to help me agree to it. My real Dad Bernard has cancer and is still getting treatment for it and my Ruder had it and it ended his life. So I will run for him and for my dad. I will run against their struggle and fight with it. I won't stop .. I'll just keep thinking of him..

Young Guns

Mama is going to be 50 on Thursday. Wowsers. To me, 50 isn't even old though. Like I've said before 50 is the new 30 these days. I look at it this way, if someone dies at 85 it's kind of okay. He lived his life, and 85 is a decent time to die. But when a person goes at 55.. it seems a little early. Therefore, 55 isn't old.

Mom had no idea that we planned a surprise birthday party for her. Unfortunately none of us got any pictures of our house all decorated. I told her that I wanted to spend the night at her house Saturday. But I phoned at 4 to tell her that my car died and Rob wasn't home to take me to her place. She came right away, expecting nothing. Especially since her real birthday isn't until Thursday, she probably hadn't even thought about it yet. She was so surprised. She kind of just stood there with her mouth open.

We had a birthday tiara and a birthday girl pin. We had streamers and banners, balloons and a cheap pin the tail on the donkey. She drank it right up. We had her tonic water and flowers to smell and grapes to eat. She was like a hyper kid that was fed lots and lots of chocolate. She was off the wall excited. But it was her night and we let her loose. We had reservations at a fancy restaurant for 7. Her and I went back to her place so that she could get really dressed up and shower. I made her a cd and played it for her while she got ready. I felt like I was at my girlfriend's house, rather than my mom's. A lot has changed. Some for the good and some for the bad..

We had a nice dinner and mom kept "cackaa ing" like Ellen (Ellen Degeneres Show) in the restaurant. Like I said, she was really excited. My sister and Joe came from Victoria so she was really pleased that they came all the way for her. The food was great and we got some pictures taken outside on the patio.

All in all she deserved the treat and on her actual birthday I am going to spend some time with her. I took the day off so that she can have me all to her self, if she wants.

Happy 50th mom- you're not gettin' old, you're just gettin' started.


Rob and ma














The girls- with Alex. We've salvaged our
relationship and are getting along wicked good
now. She's my gym partner.

The Wedge

It is funny how one day can change so much.

Yesterday Rob and I went to mom's to take down Christmas for her. There has been some mention of her having a friend in her life lately, but nothing serious. Apparently it is a bit more than what I thought. He has come for a couple of visits at her house and one visit to Nanaimo to pick something up at the Canadian Tire.

It is true that I was very open to all of this in the beginning. I think it is good for her to have found a companion, although she has been told not to get into any relationships until she has hit her one year of sobriety. But I know she has a good head on her shoulders and knows not to get too serious this soon.

I somehow figured out that I knew this friend of hers. He happened to be a regular at my coffee shop. I was delighted trying to figure out by his name who he might be. At first I thought of a sweet man that comes in early in the mornings and is always polite, calling me by my name. But as soon as she said "painter" my heart didn't even sink, it started beating violently in my chest. I couldn't sit anymore, I needed to get out of her observing eyes. I started pacing out of my own control in and out of the kitchen. The Painters! There is an older man that comes in with his son and they are known for hitting on anything with a pair of tits. His son isn't bad but it is him that makes everyone uncomfortable with his inappropriate comments. I couldn't believe it was HIM. It was confirmed and my mind has been made up.

I am not a close minded person. If anyone was to know this information ahead of time it would be me. I just can't say that I am not completely disappointed with the end result. I was hoping to meet this new guy that peeks mom's interest and instead I have already met him in a number of occasions. I have brought him his breakfast and served his coffee, watching him tip with inappropriate comments and his lingering eyes on anything that moves. Urrrggh. It makes me shudder thinking that this is her new friend.

I researched it a little by asking one of the ladies I work with what she thought of the "painter guy". First thing she says, no hesitation, he's a bit creepy. Then she goes on to tell me her inappropriate story of him. Of course being as it was a recent encounter, I tell mom.

She phones to tell me that he feels really badly and is apologizing to this lady at work. Big deal. I don't care about her. I care about my mother and her feelings. She shouldn't be getting involved with a man with a wondering eye and perverted comments. I know that I am going way off at this point. But I can't help but not care.

Every time she mentions his name I shudder. I don't like it. I hate this feeling. This better not be the beginning of something horrible. I have seen these kinds of problems on Oprah or Dr. Phil. "My step daughter is keeping my wife and I apart. "

I already feel like she's taken his side over mine and that he is the wedge between my mom and I . I haven't phoned her back because I don't know what to say. That has never happened and I have him to blame for that, and I hate that too. At this rate I'll never like him.

He has zero room for error now and as far as I am concerned he better be thinking up some classy, GENUINE way to woo me like he has mom.

Square Box Of Fun

Fun.

That is something I want to be apart of even moreso this year. I want to have more fun, with the simple pleasures in life. I don't know what it is about me, but I feel like half the time I'm not feeling up to a lot of things. Or I don't want to, I'd rather sit around in the comforts of my home. I am not lazy. I work my eight hours a day, forty a week usually and come home to go for my run, usually. Lazy people don't go for runs. At least I don't think so. But, activity wise, I need to buck up.

Rob and I are eachother's life. We have a couple of friends but we spend most of our time with eachother. So after awhile, we run out of things to do. I need to do more. Step outside of my comfort zone. Here I had thought I conquered all of that. But really I know I haven't. I want to be more adventurous, fearless. I can't really imagine being a fearless person. I bet it would be so refreshing.

The guys off of Jack Ass 2 aren't people that I necessarily look up to usually for .. anything. They're ridiculously entertaining, but I don't aspire to get to where they are. Johnny Knoxville is a fearless son of a bitch. He will pretty much do anything. I am not saying he is the smartest guy but he is afraid of nothing. He will look a bull right in the eyes and stand there waiting to see how badly it will hurt him. I'm sure his mother has already died of a heart attack after seeing some of the stunts he's pulled. But he has something that I don't have. Pain doesn't scare him like it does most. That is a big reason why I don't do a lot of things. Of course there are other reasons.

I don't like being rejected, or put in uncomfortable situations. I don't like to stay out too late when I have to work in the morning. I don' t like driving somewhere if I have never been there before, especially at night. I am a big wuss. I am afraid of everything it would seem. I have already quit smoking now for.. four months and started being more physical and eating better (not lately, but I am getting there again.) I will shoot for doing more. I want Rob to be able to ask me to go do something at any time and I will answer with a "Yes, let's do it. " Let's face it life is by far too short to be afraid of everything.

I asked Rob if he would go pool hopping once when we went by a really nice house once. He said yeah like it was no big deal. I would NEVER do something like that. What if we got caught? What if the people that lived there caught us and they were regulars where I worked? What happens if we got arrested? I'd be too embarrassed. I'd feel like such an idiot. Blah blah. I know that it's good to be responsible but only to a certain extent. A young lady that used to work with me was about 17 and she sounded like she had never done anything bad. Not really bad, but even a little bad. She didn't even have the curiosity to go out and drink a beer with a friend or stay out later than she was supposed to. She was way too responsible for her own good. All I wanted to do was corrupt her, just a little bit. Well I am sure that there is someone out there that looks at me and thinks the very same thing. I am a little too square sometimes. I need to unwind and do something I wouldn't normally do. It would be thrilling and certainly make our lives more interesting.

I want to do things that make me happy this year and I want to try new things. That is my goal for 2007; to quit being such a Haley about everything and have some damn fun!



See- this girl HATES fun. haha