The Worst Club In The World

  I remember after my step dad's memorial service my friends came up to me for hugs and what not. My one friend Shannon said, "Welcome to the worst club in the world." She was referring to the dead dads club. I know, so harsh to word it that way, but it's okay because my dad died, in fact both of them did- so I am like a VIP member. Which basically gives me a license to say whatever I want on the subject. Having said all of that, I wanted to reach out to those of you bloggers or readers out there that have lost a parent. I want to see if I'm totally crazy or if some of what I'm feeling is normal...

Dad (left) Rudi (right)

 //1  Do you ever see your parent, nope- not the one that is alive, the one that is in fact passed on the street, driving in a car or at the movie theater?

 I do! I have thought I have seen my dad, Bernard many times. I don't see him everywhere, but sometimes for a split second, I think I just saw my dad in a man walking his dog across the street. Is this totally bizarre or has this happened to you?

//2  Do you ever think- Oh! I have to call my dad... oh wait..

 I have done this when I have something exciting to share, I suddenly think I need to tell my dad or I can't wait to... and then I quickly remember that he's not around. 

//3  Do you ever look at your child and suddenly think- Ohhh I wish they could see her now? Do you imagine him holding your precious little person in his arms? Does the very thought make you feel so sorry for yourself, that you have to push it out of your mind before you burst?

 I often look at Alina and think about how much my dad would have adored her. He only met my nephew and had step grandchildren. But, Alina is really dark haired and would probably remind him of me. With my step dad, Rudi- he never met any of the grandbabies. He would have been absolutely smitten with my Alina, not to mention his first grand boy Quinn and the little spit-fire Sophie. I think about my dads as papas and my heart sort of bleeds for what they are missing out on...

My niece kissing her Papa Rudi's picture.. Too precious not to share.

 //4  Do you ever wish so much that your parent could have met your significant other? Or at least been able to approve of your person?

 Rudi never met Rob. But he's the reason why I met Rob, in the end. My mom and I moved here because Rudi died and we wanted something different. Rob just so happened to move to the island the same summer. If Rudi lived, I would never have had a golden ticket to Vancouver Island and I never would have met my Robert. My dad did however meet Rob. He wasn't super active in my life near the end, so they only met a few times. He came to the town where I was married, but he sadly didn't make my wedding. He was too sick with his cancer by then to brave the hot temperatures in July. I think if Rudi had met Rob, he would have really liked him. I also think that nothing would have made my dad happier than to walk me with my mom, down the aisle that day. The things we miss out on only make us stronger though.

 //5  Do you find yourself trying really hard to make other people feel comfortable when the topic of dead parent comes up and people find out that your parent has passed?

 I am always trying to make light of a not so light topic. "Oh yeah, my dad died, well both of them did.. my step dad and then my dad five years later.. but no! No, don't feel bad, it's nothing. Well no it's not nothing! It's just that.. they've been gone awhile now, so don't. feel. bad..."
.............................................................................................................................................. awkward!

Similar to these moments for poor Pistol Pete...

 //6 Do you have a sick or morbid sense of humour?

 This is probably just me. I'm weird because I crack jokes about things that normal people shouldn't crack jokes about. For the record- I do NOT think cancer or death is funny. But when cancer strikes, twice.. and takes both of your dads, you are certainly allowed to poke fun when you feel like it. I'm pretty sure it's a rule.

 I have both dads on my top book shelf. Don't worry, they're not mixed together.. they're in separate boxes. See! Not something I have to clarify but I felt that need to crack a little joke. Ugh, so sick. Anyways! I had them on a lower shelf until Rob's cousin's little girl was over. She picked up "Rudi" and I told her that we couldn't touch those two boxes because they were very special to me. I ended up putting them on the tallest shelf. That night I joked to Rob that wouldn't it have been so funny and awful all at once if we left the room and Evelyn was covered in Dad's ashes!?!?! I'd be all like; "It's OKAY! NOOO BIG DEAL! Just my dad there all over ya.. I'll just go grab the broom.. Umm.. don't move! " I know for a fact, if something like that happened my dad would be laughing his ass off at how I 'spread' my portion of his ashes! Or, Rob has given me cash that he wants me to put away for him. So I may have hidden the money in Rudi's box because I know for a fact that Rob would never go looking through those boxes for anything! It's a great hiding spot and in all seriousness, I like having part of them both there, together, with me in my home.

They're with my prized Harry Potter Collection... and Vampire Porn..

  Your mom or your dad is someone incredibly special and no matter how old you are, losing a parent will always be painful. Just know that if you ever hear your dad's laugh or you suddenly smell your mom's perfume, it's okay to feel a bit sad for yourself..