Eyes Open

Well today I didn't end up going to work. I stayed with the family and did what I could do to help, which was basically be a support system. Rob and I had a few tuffles throughout the day but finally I burst into a few tears, not many.. that I was in fact not doing well. I was trying hard to be strong because I know that I am supposed to be because he needs me. But that it was really getting to me and that I was really uneasy about the entire ordeal.

I got to see Baby J. today and she looks great. She looks tired and sick of waiting around for answers. But her skin is really tanned from our days out at the beach and the lake just last week. She is such an inspirational little thing. Mama J. was saying that she is saying that everything happens for a reason. She's ready for whatever this is and she just wants to find out what is up. I agree.

The doctor doesn't think that it looks like .. this type of cancer that I am not sure of.. the name. He said it was quite strange looking, nothing he had ever seen before. This is why he sent it away to be tested. He isn't really able to give us his "personal opinion" I don't think . This alerts me only because ... could it be a tumor??? No one has said the word yet.. I can't help but think that this is a possibility.

I hate to say this... but it sort of reminds me of when Rudi got sick. The three possibilities were.. M.S, a stroke or a tumor. And I remember asking God for a tumor, because that could be removed. Yeah.... and we all know how that ended. I know this is an entirely different situation, but it is hard for me to avoid these thoughts.

Erin is in a ward with three other older ladies..she calls them the "golden girls". She is making their days brighter with her sunny personality. There's a reason why she's there. I believe she is there to make a difference in people's lives... to make them smile and to help them remember that they too can be youthful and positive just like Erin.

And.. it could turn out to be nothing much at all. Just something to scare the hell out of a lot of people. And I know for a fact that Erin knows a lot of people and that she has lots of friends that care about her. I also know that she's been kind of spatting with a few of them, and this could ultimately end that. OR it could open the girl's eyes and help her realize that she doesn't need some of those people anymore.

Either way this experience will be an eye opener to quite a few individuals. Funny how life works. Right when things get normal... life goes BANG.... remember how lucky YOU are!!

Chin Up Kid.

Today I feel...

At work today I was asked a few times to smile by Annette. Later on she finally asked me what was up...or if I was feeling down today. I was just deep in thought I guess. Possibly tired as well..

Yesterday a teary-eyed Erin came into work holding her side, not knowing what to do. I sent her with my car to the doctor's. Later on, she went to the hospital where she waited six hours to get looked at. The edge was on for all of us... well for me and I know for mom because she was really worried about her. Her parents of course were involved through the telephone, feeling helpless for her. I just felt this need to know what was going on.. and all I wanted to do was help. I couldn't help but keep her in my mind. Poor Lil' Baby J.

Amanda, her roomy phoned us at 11:30 just as my body and mind let me slip into sleep. Erin went into surgery and the nurses sent her home. My car's headlights apparently weren't working so we had to hop into the truck and pick her up... about a 25 minute drive. Again, not anyone's fault as we both had to remind ourselves as we got lost looking for the damn mall she was near. Once we returned from our little adventure, we crashed with five hours of sleep ahead of us before we started our new day of work..and wonder.

Erin had an infection of her lymphnodes.. around her abodminal area. They're doing a biopsy on what they removed from the surgery.. And all we can do is wait and see what the test results are. I worry for a number of reasons. Well..it's not my business to discuss really.. but someone in the family had cancer in the lymphnodes, so right there is a bit of an issue. I just really don't want her to have to think about that until she finds out what the infection was caused from.. or what it is...etc. Also I know that her parents are really torn up about it. She was supposed to go home to them tomorrow and now won't be able to. Mama J. might come to give Erin some much needed TLC. I hope she comes too then.. the little one will feel a lot better. Erin is very head strong and I know that she can handle this kind of thing like a champ. She impresses me very much. She has the right attitude and mind set when it comes to these kinds of problems. I really have to say that I respect her tons for it. If this was me.. I'd be quite a wreck.

I just can't help the way my thoughts are sorting themselves right now.. I also can't help how I feel about lots of things at this time. Like any person..I feel badly when I think of myself during a time like this.. Like.."why are you thinking of yourself when Erin and her family are all concerned about her.." But I just couldn't help it. Just the discussions Rob and I had about it. I was worried about her and voiced it to Rob. And I'm not sure if he was upset about her..or not, but he reacted like, "she'll be fine because she's not a pussy when it comes to this kind of thing." Then he caught himself basically calling me a wuss. He tried to go back and say that this isn't how he felt about me..but I can't help but think it was. Does he really think that about me? I also felt like ... he doesn't want me that involved because it's not my sister .. it is his. But I also don't think that this is the case because he knows that I love her like my own. Like I said..I'm full of emotions and I think this is what kept me so quiet and to myself at work today.

I love Erin and all I want for her is to get out of this okay. I just heard that Mama J. is in fact coming, so I am quite thrilled for everyone. Having her here will certainly help the entire situation. Hopefully Mr. will be okay alone in T.B worrying about his lil' girl.

I also hope that my thoughts will settle down because they are really bothering me. I'm more confused with my feelings... At times I just feel like bursting into tears and I can't even figure out why. Oh well.. these things happen and I guess we all react to them differently. I just hope Rob can understand that I am a bit of a wuss and I wasn't raised to be strong and sturdy like him and his sister. Everyone's different.

Her Day Out

Mother's Day was a great success. Because my sister and I know mom so well we played our cards just right..

There are a few key points to getting my mom out and about where she is relaxed at her destination and not eager to leave.
1. Mom must be aware not too much in advance nor too soon that she is going somewhere we have planned.
2. It will be a total bomb if we take her to a crowded place where there are lots of people on..any given day, but especially not on Mother's Day.
3. Keeping it a secret is also important because then she can't make up any excuses not to go..
4. Giving her subtle hints here and there keep her from making up excuses not to go.
5. We had everything planned and she didn't have to do one thing.
6. We left her alone for one hour and one hour only..so that she couldn't make up any excuses not to go AND she could sit there and wonder.
7. I hate to say this..but we made sure that we packed her two beers for her troubles and because we know that she enjoys them.
8. We didn't push any "real" food on her like sandwiches or potato salad... We served her cantaloupe, pepperoni sticks and watermelon.

I made my mom a cd this year for Mother's Day. I filled it with all of her and Rudi's songs..from the eighties, the nineties..and the whatever the 2000's are called.. I also put happy music on there in between the sad ones.. that I know will make her cry. And I know that it's not terrible of me to put the sad ones on there. I love to cry some days.. I like to pop in a cd fully aware that it will most likely make me tear up. Sometimes I need a good crying. She does too. I also put songs on there.."Won't Back Down" Tom Petty and said that it was her song to the world!! I wrote out each song, the artist and the reason I put the song on the cd. This way she has an idea of how to use the cd. She isn't too swift when it comes to the cd players. She's more afraid of them.. like they'll jump out and bite her if she does something wrong. It's cute. But she's learning. Rob went and picked her out an anklet for me.. and chose an adorable pink one that is the same style as mine. He also mowed the lawn for her for her present from him.

The cd really meant something to me. As I am sure it means something to her as well. It isn't just a cd... Music can speak volumes to people and it has for me in tough times. So I really hope that she gets that cd in the dvd/cd player ("yes mom they do play both kinds, I promise..") and plays a few of those songs that I put time into burning for her. It is already worth it though, because I know that she's fairly curious about listening to some of the songs AND she's also going to have one of those days where she just feels like crying to sappy, sad music.

"Cry and sing along mama... and laugh and sing along... and dance and sing along..but not too much because you might hurt your back. "


Here we are at the lake..enjoying our picnic..













Again..but in the lake..beautiful day!













Mom and Rob .. walking to check the water..














Looks like she enjoyed it..



















" This was the best mother's day I have ever had... no one has ever gone and surprised me like this. I will never forget today." -mom

I like

Today I am just going to write..

I was looking at , "Sticking To The Point" and I decided that there are so many things in this world that I really like..

I like putting my toes in the ocean..and digging them deep beneath the sand. I also like when I take them out ... and they're clean and untouched.

I like that I live a two minute drive to the ocean..or a fifteen minute walk.. I like sitting in my car with the window opened listening to the sounds of the beach.. And sometimes I get out and take a little unplanned venture out onto the beach if the tide is out.. The other day I felt like getting right up there close to the water..right onto the hot sand. I wrote a message in the sand with a stick..and I wrote it nice and big and then I admired it. I plan on returning and writing something else in the sand. I find it therapeutic and calming.. When I miss him I'll write him a message.. and when I feel like saying hello maybe I'll just write HEY TO YOU UP THERE!

I like the freedom of my life. Where I live.. I don't have to worry about tornadoes or hurricanes.. I worry that it might rain and it won't be as nice to look at tomorrow..

I like that my mom and I are so close. That when she has to come over for the day because her car is getting fixed I get excited knowing that she can't leave until it's finished. I like spending time with her on my turf, in my house. I am proud to have her here, napping on my bed, drinking my juice out of my fridge. She deserves every damn sip she takes too..

I like a long, flowing skirt in the summer when the breeze is just right.. Or running down stairs and it fans out elegantly.

I like pretty toes with polish.. and a subtle silver band on one or two.. (And I HATE feet..but I can appreciate some pretty girl feet when I see 'em.)

I like other people's well behaved kids. It shows me that the parents really have great control over their children..and are raising them well.

I like looking out into my backyard and seeing a fuzzy bunny eating the plants..

I also like writing.. just writing about whatever I feel like.. About anything at all. I like to let my thoughts run wild through my fingertips.. And then later I find that I can re-read what I've written over and over again and I am completely entertained each time..

I like the idea of marriage. Something that isn't easy but is a great reward when it is fufilled honestly..and happily.

I like love and what results because of it.. kids, memories, laughter and lessons.

I like love that lasts..

I like so much these days that I wouldn't know how to stop if I wanted..

Another Round Over Here

Ahh, the taste of a cold brew against my lips is enough to get me goin'. I love summertime. For one it is the beginning of enjoyable days to come. Unfortunately the day wasn't as sunny and warm as I had hoped. But it didn't stop us from going out and exploring as we always promise ourselves we'll do.

First stop was Spider Lake..and later on Horne Lake. To be honest, I liked Spider Lake's appearance more because there were more picnic tables and spots for us to lay around, if the weather was permitting. Horne Lake Caves... wow. Those are a bit too much on the scary scale for me. I have to say that I was intrigued when Rob popped his head in between the rocky walls and disappeared seconds later. I was a little frightened at first but can see us returning with the proper materials to venture on in. Again, this was a time for when a digital camera would've been appropriate. Unfortunately that isn't coming until July.. from mama. I have to say that I enjoyed the venture to all of these places. What woke me up and brought me to life the most was.... sitting outside at the Beach House Restaurant Patio for a couple of beers. It just woke me up inside a little bit. I want to party again!! I have been quiet for awhile and I feel like I need to do some damage. Haha..nothing serious. Just dance... mingle with people.. and possibly make some new friends.

Rob doesn't love the idea but I do!! For his birthday we are going to go camping with my sister and Joe. And this is something we are both really looking forward to. Considering they are the only two that Rob seemed to really like here so far. My friend is back from travelling that lives here. The only thing with that is that we don't work together anymore so our friendship is based on what we had before she left. The distance has had an affect on our friendship I am sorry to say. When I have seen her, which is only twice and while I was working we didn't really know what to say to each other. It was how I feared it would be. I have to break that barrier and just phone her one of these days and make some plans to get together.

But.... I feel like something is holding me back from really getting me out there. I need to go and pursue some friendships so that my days off aren't just me doing errands and wondering who I would be calling if I still lived in AB. I would most likely phone a buddy to go for lunch with...or someone to do something with to kill the time. Another thing is that I always put the boyfriend first which is normal but healthy?? I think about my new friends that I have made and I wonder what keeps them in my life? I occasionally phone one of them when I am drinking to invite them out. And when they come it's fun and I gab at her.. But that's it. What do I really have to offer these new friends.. I say the people around here are kind of squares..but what am I then? A snob? Too good? These are things that I wish not to be.

I need to be more friendly and get out and about more... Maybe invite some of these new friends out during the day when I have not much to do. I need to stop stressing about if they will have fun with me. I need to gain some more confidence and worry less about the small..irrelevant details.

I raise my beer to maintaining my friendships, making new ones and getting me and Rob out more often!

Filling the Pages..

I have returned full time to write out my feelings daily and I couldn't be more excited. Our computer is now hooked up here at our house in Q.B.

The house is silent and that is strange for me, to be writing in silence again. I love uninterrupted writing, it is the best kind there is..

"Relationships are so much work, but are so rewarding when they work out.." I wrote that to a friend today. There is so much truth to that. I think that there is a lot of excess that needs to be sorted out in any relationship. I know that with me there was a lot of trust issues, with my mom she had three kids to deal with a father that wasn't there anymore and a new one that was.. I know that other people have to face such things as different beliefs or religions, feuding in laws, etc. The list really goes on. We are put on this earth for a number of reasons. But there is a very important one.. and that is to find that someone that .. understands us, who loves us for what we have been through and more so for what we have become. I am loved for who I am and that leaves me dazzled and elated. I have found someone that sees something in me that I am not even aware of. I look in the mirror some days and wonder why he looks at me the way that he does.. But I trust it. I allow myself to feel beautiful, flawless. I know that he sees me like no one else has and I can feel his love everyday that I share with him.

I can't say that I understand how it is supposed to work. I do understand that we come across different people in our lives and become infactuated with them.. We even believe that we are in love when in fact we are not. Or we are in love but with the wrong person, entirely. I believe that I have been in love in the past. I know what it's like to love and be betrayed. I know what it's like to pretend to love just to feel loved back. I also know what it's like to be in love, playing house and believing in someone that isn't even old enough to know himself yet. I am in love again. A different love this time.. I am in love after the bills are payed, after company has left.. I am in love after a senseless fight that we didn't let get too out of hand.. This kind of love is different from the rest because it is realistic. I feel grown up. Even though I have yet so much more to learn, so much more to grow myself. I feel that Rob and I are strong enough to grow together.. successfully together.

This relationship has already taught me more than any other.. In the short six or seven months that we have been together I know more about myself and life.. I think the two of us work well together. We are in love and that is clear to our family and friends and we are excited about each other. We have this new life in front of us.. blank pages ahead in a very large book...

We've got it all and we haven't stopped smiling since it began.


This weekend at Chips..














Last weekend at Sushi Restaurant..















Last weekend where the times are Irish..

I'm Likin' It..

I am now caught up on meeting Rob's entire famliy. And I am relieved that I have and am saddened that they are leaving tomorrow.

My life has been turned upside down.. and I kind of liked it. I liked having so many people around. Our life has been go go go...and we haven't stopped yet since the family reunited on the 12th.. But it's been nice to be busy. I said to Rob the other day... when I'm busy I'm tired and when I'm not I'm bored...you'll never win! It's true. So for now I am tired to be honest and am looking forward to some quiet time with my boy. I am going to miss his folks a lot though. Iam so used to having them around that the place will seem entirely empty when they leave...

I find it so refreshing meeting Rob's family because I learn more and more about him each time. He is so much like his mom. She's goofy and so outgoing.. And then he's a lot like his dad with his consideration and warm heart. His parents are so giving.. and that must be where Rob gets it.

Rob and I took his parents to Victoria for the weekend. They've never been and they really enjoyed themselves I think. We took them to Irish Times Pub and they were tappin' their toes and slappin' their hands against the table to this great Celtic Band. We had the best seat in the house, right beside the band. Rob and I danced to the song, "Into The Mystic". It's my sister and her boyfriend's wedding song to be.. We love it too now and didn't care who watched us dance. We got rid of everyone else in the bar and just danced.. I loved it.

Our weekend was a bit crazy but at the same time we had a great time. That's how life has been for me lately; crazy but I'm likin' it.

Family in Vic..smilin' pretty














Being Brats..














Just Us














The harbour

Family Portrait Updates.

Rob and I with aunty bob in our yard




















Kyli's family
















Linc and Jessica












Me and My new baby!

Driver's Seat

Hi everybody!!

The updates with my lil ol' life..

Erin and Rob spoke the other day. He decided to give her a shout and talk things through. And about a day before that I wrote her an e-mail letting her know that the entire ordeal we had last week wasn't something I was still upset about..etc.

So the verdict was in and she was happy to have us back in her life. We are so pathetic.. one week out of each other's lives and we were all so happy about being able to talk to one another again!! I can honestly say that I do miss the hell out of her. She was a ray of sunshine at the house when I was bored or things were dull.. I would come home from work everyday and find Erin in the kitchen cooking bacon or a Sidekick and we'd have our little chat about how our day was or...anything really. We spoke on the phone each saying that we loved eachother and that we were sorry how everything happened. But I am glad that things really worked out the best for us. We then took over a mattress for her to sleep on . We went up to their cute little place and found the saddest display of a mattress .. and made her a great big comfy bed for her to find when she got home. She was pleased. See.. She then realized how amazing a bed is when she didn't have it for a week. I guess we all learn a little something from .. every unpleasant thing that happens to us..

We had mom and aunt B. and Erin and Amanda over for dinner the following night. We were like hens in a barn..cluckin' away at eachother.. Us girls were so happy to be around one another again that we just couldn't stop talking... Erin brought over a couple of her sweaters that I loved and a pair of pants that I also loved to wear of hers. She is so sweet!! I really did miss that little girly.. The parents are coming on Wednesday and I am excited to return so that I can document how that is going. I will make sure to take lots of pictures to post.

I also got my car!! And I couldn't be more pleased with it. It is so new looking inside. I intend to keep it that way as well. I already have a no smoking ban on the car.. as well as so far.... no eating has been done in it yet. But I know that this will end as soon as we have a road trip. But Rob asked as he was driving if he could have a piece of steaming hot, cheesy, greasy pizza... Ummmm Nooooo you can't honey. Haha..so funny. I feel so grown up I guess you could say, though that makes me feel like such a kid just for saying it... I was never the girl to imagine walking down the isle, the guests looking at me with beaming smiles.. Oh no. But I did imagine the feeling I would get, slipping into my own vehicle for the first while.. How I would pull out of my parking spot, feeling like I was finally in control of my life... of where I want to go next. And to be honest it is really like that.. that is how I am feeling when I get into my car.. I feel in control of it all and I like it.

The Driver Seat is where I am perched for the time being and it is where I like to be..



The girls at their very own kitchen table..















My Erin .. Baby J.. hangin' out her window.

Moving Forward

Yuck. This weekend has left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth. I'm not really going to get into it. All I can say is that in the end, the entire living situation with Little J and her friend resulted in a big ugly blow out. It was unkind and unfortunate.. but it happened and there's no erasing that now. All I can really say is that I hope that we all get something good out of the negative situation we faced on Saturday.

Now that the girls have their own place Rob and I have a quieter home. I miss having the girls around because they were like my own little, live-in friends. But for now, that is not the case. I am finding more Haley time now that the house is down to two. Rob doesn't get off of work until 5 and I usually get about... two hours to myself. And I have been using the time to do my exercises...that I have roughly made up for myself. I hope to improve my little routine with knowledge..and ways that I can work on different parts of my body. We are also turning the spare bedroom into a comfy, little guest room especially for when Rob's parents come in April. But also the room is for me to have my own space which is also something that I downplayed when the girls lived here...but now am realizing how great it is going to be to have.

Today for instance, I came home from work and got right into my exercises. I took my time and stretched, doing some embarrassing stretches, almost yoga style that I would NEVER do in front of another human being in my life. Not even Rob. Then I showered and for some reason hung out in the bathroom putting my makeup on, and doing my hair into different updoes. I sound like such a little teenager... But I didn't care it was fun. I put a little outfit together, quite fashionable. I would even take a pic and poste it if I could. I actually look like I know what I'm doing for once. I am getting bolder I can say that. That's what this island does to people...brings out that little quirky side in everyone. Or the "who gives a fuck" side.. I should say..

Life is still going well.. I get my new car on Friday hopefully. Either way I get it within the week. I am sad with the way that the girls moved on.. but I am happy for them despite everything that happened.. I hope that they are excited about starting out on their own as well.

What can I say about it all.... Every little thing is gonna be alright..

Breathe

Still in awe that I am living here. I don't think I will get over this until years from now, when I can honestly say I've lived here longer than in Alberta. Everything is different.

In Victoria there's this huge four story mall that is not even really visable when walking the streets of Vic. Apparently every store along the strip is part of the mall once entered, but I didn't realize this until I walked into "The Bay"... It was like the part in Harry Potter when he sees Diagon Alley for the first time.. There are different shops everywhere, not to mention the place is packed... Or..how about Munchkin Land in the Wizard of Oz. Except for the whole .. black and white to colour... It was just so unexpected.. Rob and I looked from left to right and then alllllll the way up to the fourth level. I have never seen a mall like this one. Everything feels different. The people, the weather, beliefs... clothing..culture.. it's so diverse.

My life alone has changed... Meeting Rob has completely turned my world upside down.. I can't even explain it. When I think of him.. it doesn't matter if I am sweating from making three turkey bacon wraps with everything on it.. to go, or doing my excruciating ab work outs on the living room floor..I smile. That man will always be able to do that for me. I will think of him..or I will have a flashback of a face he made the night before and I can't help but smile. The great part of it all, is that I don't even realize I am smiling until I think about it.. or someone asks me what I'm smiling about.. It really is a beautiful thing..

So I am basically at a point in my life where I am amazed at how quickly everything changed.. at how happy I am..

I have ambitions and goals now that I never had before. Things that I never dreamed of doing..or ideas that I never thought I was capable of .. I am a new person and I have Rudi to thank, for ultimately sending us here, alone, without distractions from former boyfriends, or friends..

Just mom and I.. alone to face this new, refreshing life.. surrounded by the never ending water..that is our life..

Who knew breathing could ever feel this good?

Sunshine of Tomorrow

So many things going on..

The weather is a bit more crisp. But it is definetly changing and I really am looking forward to this summer.

Rob and I went out on our Sunday.. to Little Mountain to look at our beautiful view and take some pictures with Rudi's old camera. It takes beautiful pictures! We also took pictures of the view from all of these different roadside turnouts on our way to Nanaimo of the ocean. I just love it.

Rob and Erin are butting heads quite a bit lately and it is hard on the middlemen...aka, Amanda and myself. Like I mentioned before Amanda is Erin's buddy that is living with us for awhile. She's a total sweety. I have my own opinion of the entire situation with Rob and Erin, but it's between them and I keep my mouth shut..to both of them. I am a good listener..and I like to leave it at that. They'll get through it and then Erin and Amanda will move on and that is what will save their relationship. It's going to be okay though. It's another challenge for Rob and I .. and we are getting through it just fine.

The update on the '86 Honda Accord needs a new transmission. Luckily, Grannie and Grandpa have a sweet older couple next door that are selling their car. It's a '96 Sunfire, only owned by them, automatic, four door, perfect interior, 140 000 km, new tires and windshield, frequently checked oil, tranny fluid and flushed rad , etc.. good on gas and they want to move and sell their vehicle A.S.A.P.. for $2000.00 WOOOHOOO So I will have it in my possession on April 1st!

Everything worked itself out again and I can't help but think that someone is watching over us. Rudi likes Rob, I can tell. He'd let me know if he didn't like him. Or if he thought it was going nowhere.. (remember the roll over...hmm, hmm...) He approves. I know this because Rob knows that he needs to prove to Rudi still that he's a good man for me and he's told me that.

Things are going to be good. Rob's mama and papa are coming for a visit in April. I look forward to meeting Mama J. So much that the anticipation is getting the best of me. The woman responsible for Rob and Erin. Hehe..it'll be great.

The sun is shining on Tomorrow..


Looking out at Little Mountain













Rob looking out













Our ocean view













Look at that cutie face..

Breakfast Fix

Mmmm, a big and greasy breakfast can make anyone feel better.. And that is what I am solely relying on today. Kind of ridiculous when written out and read but..so be it!

This weekend was supposed to be a scream and it was more of a yell..maybe a calling out..

My buddy Katie came to visit me and she got to see where I have been living for the last seven months. She has been to the island before but not with me living on it. She enjoyed herself I think. She got to meet some of our friends that we've made. It made me realize that Rob and I do have more friends than we thought. Yah us. Rob's buddy from T.B was visiting for the night as well and Erin's friend Amanda AKA our new roomy arrived this weekend as well. It was a full house but we love the company.

Our trip to Vic was supposed to be the highlight.. Rob got a speeding ticket for going 20 over.. That was kind of a dick move on the copper's part..but what can ya do. Then, THEN.. my car starts making a funny noise when we go to start off at red lights and what not.. After we get to that point, it is okay, but until then it's revvin' like a bitch. Sorry to Ruby, my lil' car...but she has to calm down or we won't make it home today. Oh yes, I am still in Vic at Ky and Joe's. We have to take it easy all the way home and hope for the best until we can see if any auto shops are open today.. SUNDAYS suck for car problems by the way..

Soooo, here I am waiting patiently, anticipating and dreading this shady drive home...my belly's a rumblin' because I am starved. All I can think about is my damn breaky! And so now I am told it is time to make my eggs.

Cheers!

My Shining Star *

WOW

Update, Update!!

So much has gone on in my life..in the few short weeks..or even months I guess..

Where to start..

Okay, sooooooo.. in a nutshell Rob is amazing in many different ways. I love his sister like my very own.. she is too much fun and I love spending everyday with her in one way or another..

I am living with Rob and have admitted to it to everyone. I got my license switched over to a B.C license which isn't a big deal but really signifies that I am moving on with my life. On the license it has Rob's address on it.. Another big step for me..hehe.

The best is coming... AND I got a car!! Yah!! Remember when I was talking about how much I wanted my very own vehicle. Well I finally have one and it all happened so suddenly. I got a great deal on it and the car runs beautifully. It's not new but it is in fantastic shape for it's age. It runs wonderful, it's spacious and I finally have my FREEDOM!!

I am getting all of my medical coverage and everything very shortly so I don't have to worry about any of that anymore. I am just doing very well and life is certainly good.

A friend of mine at work told me that she doesn't look at life as a learning experience or .. seeing it as making mistakes and learning from them.. she said that it's our journey. We all have our own journeys that we take .. and what we do in it.. is all apart of it. And I like exactly how she worded it.. life is our own personal journey. Everything we do in it..is supposed to be done that way..

Things are all coming together and I am beginning to think that Rob is my lucky charm. Since we started seeing each other life has really come together for me. He completes my journey.



As for this weekend.... we went to Victoria to visit Kyli and Joe and it was wonderful. A success for sure. They love us, and we adore them to pieces as usual. It was a very great trip.

Me and Erin - She said she felt like a lesbian..















Us before the bar at Ky's Apartment














Me and Ky at Irish Times



















Dancing ... (note the guitar...Rob's Dream Guitar)














The view's THAT way















Brother and sister..can you tell..
















My Lucky Charm..

1950/02/07

This would be Rudi about fifty three years ago. He was still living in Germany, shy four years of deporting to Canada on a big ass ship. Mom decided just to check out his birthday horoscope today... he would've been fifty six. And that write up is what she found. We thought that it was quite powerful...


Today is a tough day as we have a few more to re live and then, that is it for another year. I hear that each year it gets a little bit easier than the last. I also hear and feel that this year is the hardest and worst of them all. Now I have been told that we will truly grieve because we fully believe now, that he is gone. My mom phoned Rudi's mom today, and I knew that she would not be kind. Mom and Grandma have never seen eye to eye. Grandma is extremely head strong and somewhat cruel. Some German traits I guess she couldn't shake when coming over. So she wasn't very kind on the phone which made mom cry harder. The sick thing is that I knew that this would happen but I also knew mom wouldn't be satisfied until she phoned. She thought that she was doing the right thing and in a sense YES completely. But Grandma didn't see it that way and totally cut her off. Oh well..mom tried.

I haven't really spoken outloud to Rudi since he died. But recently when Rob drove me to the ocean.. just to sit and sort my thoughts.. I talked to him then. Rob went out exploring because the tide was way out. I sat in the truck and told Rudi how I felt and asked for him to please give me some kind of ANYTHING to show that he's still around. There have been a couple of tiny signs that could be shaken off as coincedense and I am patiently waiting for my major one. I need it and hope that he comes through on my request.

February 7, 1950 Rudolf Michael Wirth was born in Zeven, Germany. As you can all see he is extremely adorable..in his little leiderhaasen smiling all sweet for the picture. I didn't even know they had cameras back then. Hehe, I am only kidding. That was a little dig that I had to do on this day making fun of how old Rudi was. He loooooved that. Haha.

Today is a special day in our lives. And it will always be.

Rob and I the other night...aww..so cute!

Kyli and Me the other night!!

Working/Strumming Out

So here's my new hobby... I am learning how to play Rob's acoustic. I am having such a great time with it. The reason why this is such an exciting ordeal for me is because I didn't think that I was capable of doing something so "cool"..so complicated. But hell, I am! Rob is sooooooo good for me.. He has shown me so much about myself that no one has ever been able to. He shows me that I am a person that is capable of doing anything. My confidence has lifted so much since I met him. I am really looking forward to what I am going to learn on this guitar. Today is my second day into the basics. I have a pretty good idea of how some songs go..but not

quite good enough to make it sound like it should. Either way, it's fun and I LOVE IT! I went onto a website and found a Jewel tab. It's been one of my favourite songs ever since I started listening to music. It's quite appropriate that I learn this particular song first. I'm even singing along to my clumsy strums. And it doesn't sound all that bad.

I thought Rob's sister Erin had said that playing guitar would be good for when we have babies. But I misheard her.. But then I thought about it.. and it's true! I would be able to sing to my babies once I have them. Or even when I'm pregnant. A singing, guitar playing mom is always appreciated. Moms that sing and play guitar rock.

Rob, Erin and I are going to go to the gym tonight as well. This will be our first time going and I am really looking forward to it. Woo Hoo! So yes, there are a few great things going on in my life right now. So my focus is turned to these things instead of the sadness of this month and next. I am happy to say that I am turning my sadness into positive energy and dedication.

AMEN

The Eye

Today is my mom's b'day. 49 years old. She is having a tough day for obvious reasons. And today marks the beginning of Rudi's sickness a year ago. It's a hard time because well.. it's like we're in the eye of a hurricane and we know it's going to be a whole lot harder very shortly. So it's kind of like a waiting game. I took the day off of work to spend time with her so that she could do whatever at the house and just hear me . She says that because she is home alone all of the time it is just nice to hear me in the house. Sounds sad, but it's the way it is now. Rob, his sister Erin and I are taking her out for an early dinner tonight. So I hope that I could make her day a little bit better considering the circumstances.

So having a blog means that I get to talk about me..so I will.. I am doing okay I guess. But it's the little things that trigger my sadness out of nowhere. I was in Nanaimo yesterday and the air smelt of bbq. I said to Erin..."oh don't you remember when you were little and you could smell the bbq and you'd get chips instead of a vegetable and some potato salad.. Ohhh I wish I could have a bbq with my parents again like when I was little.... " Then I thought about it...and I don't have parents to do that with anymore. I have my mom of course..but parents...doesn't even exist anymore. It was just a harsh reality. It's all sort of hitting me now. But I hold back a little bit before I get really upset. I get upset by myself.. well with Rob rather on our own time. I don't like to get upset other than that.

So Rob's sister Erin is living with us. I never questioned it for a second. She's great. I love her and she is just a ray of sunshine in that house. She's very sweet and I can tell we're going to get along just fine. She's not demanding, or a girly girl or any kind of work at all. You know when someone visits or is staying with you and they take up all of your time..well this girl is not like that. She is awesome. I couldn't be happier with my new roommate. And yes, that confirms it.. I am living with Rob now. I have not officially moved in with all of my things but my room is looking more and more bare as the weeks progress.

This is why I am not online as much and why I am not keeping up with my blog. I admit I truly do miss it too. But I am still writing in my journal so my thoughts are being documented...which is therapy for me. But I will be getting this computer as my own soon.. But I don't want to take it from mom just yet.

I have caught up on just about everyone out there bloggin'..and you all seem to be growing now more than ever. New jobs, new homes, your daughter is growing into a beautiful young woman, or growing out of old habits (binks).... saying good bye to people they've known all of their lives...or family members having to mend their broken hearts.. There are just so many emotions floating around blog land. Glad to be apart of it.

The Downlow

Here I am. I promise I am still around, just not around the computer as much as I used to be! I swear I come back every once in awhile and try to catch up on my stuff and my fellow bloggers and most importantly spending time with mom. I am running out of time with her before I have to head off again..

This blog is just a reminder to everyone that I am still around! I am here and I plan soon on purchasing a digital camera so that I can keep my blog updated with pictures of how my life is going.

A year ago on... the 28th is the day that we took Rudi to the hospital .. not knowing that we would never bring him home again.. It's going to be a very tough month for us, but again.. I know we can do it.

I plan on writing all of my thoughts and feelings down in a notebook and when I decide to have a visit with mom, I'm going to type out my feelings on my blog to share and help make me feel better.

Writing always helps me. So I hope to catch up with everyone later and there are pictures below this blog to update you guys on life with me!

And Holls, I changed my profile pic.. I'm a big girl now. Hehe

A Holiday Catch Up

Our Family on Christmas Eve ~














Rob and I goofin' around













A few nights ago tubbin' at a friend's house













My Oilers, Alex's Canucks~ a life long battle














New Years in Vic ~ Parker and Joe













Bringing in the New Years together














Parker and I .. we got along just fine













The three of us together again..













Another Family Photo

Comfort and Joy

Christmas was okay. It was really great to see my brotehr especially. Lincoln had a good time too. Joe and Linc were like real brothers during the holidays. They were playing drinking games on the computer, laughing, drinking beers and shooting each other in the face with their toy dart guns. Not to mention filming it all on camera and feeding each other lines off of Forrest Gump. It was a Gump Christmas. TBS overplayed that movie over the holidays I think. I thought it was just awesome to see them get along so well but I couldn't help but think of Rob and how he was missing out on getting to know the boys. It just got to me especially on Christmas night. But no big deal.

Drinking. Drinking was something that started up as soon as the family got here. Perhaps to numb ourselves or to make the time pass so that Rob would get here sooner. Don't get me wrong I still had a great time with everybody. I got so loopy that I made Joe play "Grandpa" on his guitar as I sang along, very seriously. Haha.

So December 27th came and it was an anticipated date. Seeing Rob was almost surreal for a minute. First he looked like he did when I first met him, with short hair.. So I was shocked by how different he looked to me. Then actually having him there beside me like he had never left was just so unreal to me.

Our Christmas that evening was so much fun. We sat on a blanket on the living room floor, the gas fire place blazing and our hockey highlights blaring on the t.v and wripped open our presents. His empty house was finally a home again. We have been together since. And like our moms have both said to me; distance makes the heart grow fonder. Kim and Andrea know what they're talking about I think. Being together turned into something much more special since he'd been gone.

Now I find I'm getting lost in the features of his face. From his icy, cool blue eyes to the little gap in between his front teeth. These little things that I notice make me smile, the little details. I get lost in his every detail and this is an exciting feeling. Time really doesn't feel like it exists when I am spending it with him. As cliche' as that may sound.

Celebrating the New Year with him and his buddy Parker was really something else. Parker and I get along like we've always known each other. I can tell that this really pleases Rob. We have been all hanging out like room mates and this is the way that it should be. I'm really glad that it's working out.

To me 2006 represents my hopes and dreams. 2005 represents the end of Rudi's very existence in this world. I want so much for 2006 to be my year. To be a year that will always stand out when I look back on it. I want to be able to say, that this was the year that my life really started to pick up.

I am a sucker when it comes to relationships. I may have grown thorns around my heart but I always end up wanting so much to come out of my relationships. I put all of my eggs in one basket to later find out that I was hurt once again. So this year, I hope for it to be different from all of the rest.

But my feelings for this one are like no other I have had. So no matter what 2006 holds for me.. I have an inkling.. that it just might work out. At least that's what my heart is subtley whispering to me.