Moving Forward

Yuck. This weekend has left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth. I'm not really going to get into it. All I can say is that in the end, the entire living situation with Little J and her friend resulted in a big ugly blow out. It was unkind and unfortunate.. but it happened and there's no erasing that now. All I can really say is that I hope that we all get something good out of the negative situation we faced on Saturday.

Now that the girls have their own place Rob and I have a quieter home. I miss having the girls around because they were like my own little, live-in friends. But for now, that is not the case. I am finding more Haley time now that the house is down to two. Rob doesn't get off of work until 5 and I usually get about... two hours to myself. And I have been using the time to do my exercises...that I have roughly made up for myself. I hope to improve my little routine with knowledge..and ways that I can work on different parts of my body. We are also turning the spare bedroom into a comfy, little guest room especially for when Rob's parents come in April. But also the room is for me to have my own space which is also something that I downplayed when the girls lived here...but now am realizing how great it is going to be to have.

Today for instance, I came home from work and got right into my exercises. I took my time and stretched, doing some embarrassing stretches, almost yoga style that I would NEVER do in front of another human being in my life. Not even Rob. Then I showered and for some reason hung out in the bathroom putting my makeup on, and doing my hair into different updoes. I sound like such a little teenager... But I didn't care it was fun. I put a little outfit together, quite fashionable. I would even take a pic and poste it if I could. I actually look like I know what I'm doing for once. I am getting bolder I can say that. That's what this island does to people...brings out that little quirky side in everyone. Or the "who gives a fuck" side.. I should say..

Life is still going well.. I get my new car on Friday hopefully. Either way I get it within the week. I am sad with the way that the girls moved on.. but I am happy for them despite everything that happened.. I hope that they are excited about starting out on their own as well.

What can I say about it all.... Every little thing is gonna be alright..

Breathe

Still in awe that I am living here. I don't think I will get over this until years from now, when I can honestly say I've lived here longer than in Alberta. Everything is different.

In Victoria there's this huge four story mall that is not even really visable when walking the streets of Vic. Apparently every store along the strip is part of the mall once entered, but I didn't realize this until I walked into "The Bay"... It was like the part in Harry Potter when he sees Diagon Alley for the first time.. There are different shops everywhere, not to mention the place is packed... Or..how about Munchkin Land in the Wizard of Oz. Except for the whole .. black and white to colour... It was just so unexpected.. Rob and I looked from left to right and then alllllll the way up to the fourth level. I have never seen a mall like this one. Everything feels different. The people, the weather, beliefs... clothing..culture.. it's so diverse.

My life alone has changed... Meeting Rob has completely turned my world upside down.. I can't even explain it. When I think of him.. it doesn't matter if I am sweating from making three turkey bacon wraps with everything on it.. to go, or doing my excruciating ab work outs on the living room floor..I smile. That man will always be able to do that for me. I will think of him..or I will have a flashback of a face he made the night before and I can't help but smile. The great part of it all, is that I don't even realize I am smiling until I think about it.. or someone asks me what I'm smiling about.. It really is a beautiful thing..

So I am basically at a point in my life where I am amazed at how quickly everything changed.. at how happy I am..

I have ambitions and goals now that I never had before. Things that I never dreamed of doing..or ideas that I never thought I was capable of .. I am a new person and I have Rudi to thank, for ultimately sending us here, alone, without distractions from former boyfriends, or friends..

Just mom and I.. alone to face this new, refreshing life.. surrounded by the never ending water..that is our life..

Who knew breathing could ever feel this good?

Sunshine of Tomorrow

So many things going on..

The weather is a bit more crisp. But it is definetly changing and I really am looking forward to this summer.

Rob and I went out on our Sunday.. to Little Mountain to look at our beautiful view and take some pictures with Rudi's old camera. It takes beautiful pictures! We also took pictures of the view from all of these different roadside turnouts on our way to Nanaimo of the ocean. I just love it.

Rob and Erin are butting heads quite a bit lately and it is hard on the middlemen...aka, Amanda and myself. Like I mentioned before Amanda is Erin's buddy that is living with us for awhile. She's a total sweety. I have my own opinion of the entire situation with Rob and Erin, but it's between them and I keep my mouth shut..to both of them. I am a good listener..and I like to leave it at that. They'll get through it and then Erin and Amanda will move on and that is what will save their relationship. It's going to be okay though. It's another challenge for Rob and I .. and we are getting through it just fine.

The update on the '86 Honda Accord needs a new transmission. Luckily, Grannie and Grandpa have a sweet older couple next door that are selling their car. It's a '96 Sunfire, only owned by them, automatic, four door, perfect interior, 140 000 km, new tires and windshield, frequently checked oil, tranny fluid and flushed rad , etc.. good on gas and they want to move and sell their vehicle A.S.A.P.. for $2000.00 WOOOHOOO So I will have it in my possession on April 1st!

Everything worked itself out again and I can't help but think that someone is watching over us. Rudi likes Rob, I can tell. He'd let me know if he didn't like him. Or if he thought it was going nowhere.. (remember the roll over...hmm, hmm...) He approves. I know this because Rob knows that he needs to prove to Rudi still that he's a good man for me and he's told me that.

Things are going to be good. Rob's mama and papa are coming for a visit in April. I look forward to meeting Mama J. So much that the anticipation is getting the best of me. The woman responsible for Rob and Erin. Hehe..it'll be great.

The sun is shining on Tomorrow..


Looking out at Little Mountain













Rob looking out













Our ocean view













Look at that cutie face..

Breakfast Fix

Mmmm, a big and greasy breakfast can make anyone feel better.. And that is what I am solely relying on today. Kind of ridiculous when written out and read but..so be it!

This weekend was supposed to be a scream and it was more of a yell..maybe a calling out..

My buddy Katie came to visit me and she got to see where I have been living for the last seven months. She has been to the island before but not with me living on it. She enjoyed herself I think. She got to meet some of our friends that we've made. It made me realize that Rob and I do have more friends than we thought. Yah us. Rob's buddy from T.B was visiting for the night as well and Erin's friend Amanda AKA our new roomy arrived this weekend as well. It was a full house but we love the company.

Our trip to Vic was supposed to be the highlight.. Rob got a speeding ticket for going 20 over.. That was kind of a dick move on the copper's part..but what can ya do. Then, THEN.. my car starts making a funny noise when we go to start off at red lights and what not.. After we get to that point, it is okay, but until then it's revvin' like a bitch. Sorry to Ruby, my lil' car...but she has to calm down or we won't make it home today. Oh yes, I am still in Vic at Ky and Joe's. We have to take it easy all the way home and hope for the best until we can see if any auto shops are open today.. SUNDAYS suck for car problems by the way..

Soooo, here I am waiting patiently, anticipating and dreading this shady drive home...my belly's a rumblin' because I am starved. All I can think about is my damn breaky! And so now I am told it is time to make my eggs.

Cheers!

My Shining Star *

WOW

Update, Update!!

So much has gone on in my life..in the few short weeks..or even months I guess..

Where to start..

Okay, sooooooo.. in a nutshell Rob is amazing in many different ways. I love his sister like my very own.. she is too much fun and I love spending everyday with her in one way or another..

I am living with Rob and have admitted to it to everyone. I got my license switched over to a B.C license which isn't a big deal but really signifies that I am moving on with my life. On the license it has Rob's address on it.. Another big step for me..hehe.

The best is coming... AND I got a car!! Yah!! Remember when I was talking about how much I wanted my very own vehicle. Well I finally have one and it all happened so suddenly. I got a great deal on it and the car runs beautifully. It's not new but it is in fantastic shape for it's age. It runs wonderful, it's spacious and I finally have my FREEDOM!!

I am getting all of my medical coverage and everything very shortly so I don't have to worry about any of that anymore. I am just doing very well and life is certainly good.

A friend of mine at work told me that she doesn't look at life as a learning experience or .. seeing it as making mistakes and learning from them.. she said that it's our journey. We all have our own journeys that we take .. and what we do in it.. is all apart of it. And I like exactly how she worded it.. life is our own personal journey. Everything we do in it..is supposed to be done that way..

Things are all coming together and I am beginning to think that Rob is my lucky charm. Since we started seeing each other life has really come together for me. He completes my journey.



As for this weekend.... we went to Victoria to visit Kyli and Joe and it was wonderful. A success for sure. They love us, and we adore them to pieces as usual. It was a very great trip.

Me and Erin - She said she felt like a lesbian..















Us before the bar at Ky's Apartment














Me and Ky at Irish Times



















Dancing ... (note the guitar...Rob's Dream Guitar)














The view's THAT way















Brother and sister..can you tell..
















My Lucky Charm..

1950/02/07

This would be Rudi about fifty three years ago. He was still living in Germany, shy four years of deporting to Canada on a big ass ship. Mom decided just to check out his birthday horoscope today... he would've been fifty six. And that write up is what she found. We thought that it was quite powerful...


Today is a tough day as we have a few more to re live and then, that is it for another year. I hear that each year it gets a little bit easier than the last. I also hear and feel that this year is the hardest and worst of them all. Now I have been told that we will truly grieve because we fully believe now, that he is gone. My mom phoned Rudi's mom today, and I knew that she would not be kind. Mom and Grandma have never seen eye to eye. Grandma is extremely head strong and somewhat cruel. Some German traits I guess she couldn't shake when coming over. So she wasn't very kind on the phone which made mom cry harder. The sick thing is that I knew that this would happen but I also knew mom wouldn't be satisfied until she phoned. She thought that she was doing the right thing and in a sense YES completely. But Grandma didn't see it that way and totally cut her off. Oh well..mom tried.

I haven't really spoken outloud to Rudi since he died. But recently when Rob drove me to the ocean.. just to sit and sort my thoughts.. I talked to him then. Rob went out exploring because the tide was way out. I sat in the truck and told Rudi how I felt and asked for him to please give me some kind of ANYTHING to show that he's still around. There have been a couple of tiny signs that could be shaken off as coincedense and I am patiently waiting for my major one. I need it and hope that he comes through on my request.

February 7, 1950 Rudolf Michael Wirth was born in Zeven, Germany. As you can all see he is extremely adorable..in his little leiderhaasen smiling all sweet for the picture. I didn't even know they had cameras back then. Hehe, I am only kidding. That was a little dig that I had to do on this day making fun of how old Rudi was. He loooooved that. Haha.

Today is a special day in our lives. And it will always be.

Rob and I the other night...aww..so cute!

Kyli and Me the other night!!

Working/Strumming Out

So here's my new hobby... I am learning how to play Rob's acoustic. I am having such a great time with it. The reason why this is such an exciting ordeal for me is because I didn't think that I was capable of doing something so "cool"..so complicated. But hell, I am! Rob is sooooooo good for me.. He has shown me so much about myself that no one has ever been able to. He shows me that I am a person that is capable of doing anything. My confidence has lifted so much since I met him. I am really looking forward to what I am going to learn on this guitar. Today is my second day into the basics. I have a pretty good idea of how some songs go..but not

quite good enough to make it sound like it should. Either way, it's fun and I LOVE IT! I went onto a website and found a Jewel tab. It's been one of my favourite songs ever since I started listening to music. It's quite appropriate that I learn this particular song first. I'm even singing along to my clumsy strums. And it doesn't sound all that bad.

I thought Rob's sister Erin had said that playing guitar would be good for when we have babies. But I misheard her.. But then I thought about it.. and it's true! I would be able to sing to my babies once I have them. Or even when I'm pregnant. A singing, guitar playing mom is always appreciated. Moms that sing and play guitar rock.

Rob, Erin and I are going to go to the gym tonight as well. This will be our first time going and I am really looking forward to it. Woo Hoo! So yes, there are a few great things going on in my life right now. So my focus is turned to these things instead of the sadness of this month and next. I am happy to say that I am turning my sadness into positive energy and dedication.

AMEN

The Eye

Today is my mom's b'day. 49 years old. She is having a tough day for obvious reasons. And today marks the beginning of Rudi's sickness a year ago. It's a hard time because well.. it's like we're in the eye of a hurricane and we know it's going to be a whole lot harder very shortly. So it's kind of like a waiting game. I took the day off of work to spend time with her so that she could do whatever at the house and just hear me . She says that because she is home alone all of the time it is just nice to hear me in the house. Sounds sad, but it's the way it is now. Rob, his sister Erin and I are taking her out for an early dinner tonight. So I hope that I could make her day a little bit better considering the circumstances.

So having a blog means that I get to talk about me..so I will.. I am doing okay I guess. But it's the little things that trigger my sadness out of nowhere. I was in Nanaimo yesterday and the air smelt of bbq. I said to Erin..."oh don't you remember when you were little and you could smell the bbq and you'd get chips instead of a vegetable and some potato salad.. Ohhh I wish I could have a bbq with my parents again like when I was little.... " Then I thought about it...and I don't have parents to do that with anymore. I have my mom of course..but parents...doesn't even exist anymore. It was just a harsh reality. It's all sort of hitting me now. But I hold back a little bit before I get really upset. I get upset by myself.. well with Rob rather on our own time. I don't like to get upset other than that.

So Rob's sister Erin is living with us. I never questioned it for a second. She's great. I love her and she is just a ray of sunshine in that house. She's very sweet and I can tell we're going to get along just fine. She's not demanding, or a girly girl or any kind of work at all. You know when someone visits or is staying with you and they take up all of your time..well this girl is not like that. She is awesome. I couldn't be happier with my new roommate. And yes, that confirms it.. I am living with Rob now. I have not officially moved in with all of my things but my room is looking more and more bare as the weeks progress.

This is why I am not online as much and why I am not keeping up with my blog. I admit I truly do miss it too. But I am still writing in my journal so my thoughts are being documented...which is therapy for me. But I will be getting this computer as my own soon.. But I don't want to take it from mom just yet.

I have caught up on just about everyone out there bloggin'..and you all seem to be growing now more than ever. New jobs, new homes, your daughter is growing into a beautiful young woman, or growing out of old habits (binks).... saying good bye to people they've known all of their lives...or family members having to mend their broken hearts.. There are just so many emotions floating around blog land. Glad to be apart of it.

The Downlow

Here I am. I promise I am still around, just not around the computer as much as I used to be! I swear I come back every once in awhile and try to catch up on my stuff and my fellow bloggers and most importantly spending time with mom. I am running out of time with her before I have to head off again..

This blog is just a reminder to everyone that I am still around! I am here and I plan soon on purchasing a digital camera so that I can keep my blog updated with pictures of how my life is going.

A year ago on... the 28th is the day that we took Rudi to the hospital .. not knowing that we would never bring him home again.. It's going to be a very tough month for us, but again.. I know we can do it.

I plan on writing all of my thoughts and feelings down in a notebook and when I decide to have a visit with mom, I'm going to type out my feelings on my blog to share and help make me feel better.

Writing always helps me. So I hope to catch up with everyone later and there are pictures below this blog to update you guys on life with me!

And Holls, I changed my profile pic.. I'm a big girl now. Hehe

A Holiday Catch Up

Our Family on Christmas Eve ~














Rob and I goofin' around













A few nights ago tubbin' at a friend's house













My Oilers, Alex's Canucks~ a life long battle














New Years in Vic ~ Parker and Joe













Bringing in the New Years together














Parker and I .. we got along just fine













The three of us together again..













Another Family Photo

Comfort and Joy

Christmas was okay. It was really great to see my brotehr especially. Lincoln had a good time too. Joe and Linc were like real brothers during the holidays. They were playing drinking games on the computer, laughing, drinking beers and shooting each other in the face with their toy dart guns. Not to mention filming it all on camera and feeding each other lines off of Forrest Gump. It was a Gump Christmas. TBS overplayed that movie over the holidays I think. I thought it was just awesome to see them get along so well but I couldn't help but think of Rob and how he was missing out on getting to know the boys. It just got to me especially on Christmas night. But no big deal.

Drinking. Drinking was something that started up as soon as the family got here. Perhaps to numb ourselves or to make the time pass so that Rob would get here sooner. Don't get me wrong I still had a great time with everybody. I got so loopy that I made Joe play "Grandpa" on his guitar as I sang along, very seriously. Haha.

So December 27th came and it was an anticipated date. Seeing Rob was almost surreal for a minute. First he looked like he did when I first met him, with short hair.. So I was shocked by how different he looked to me. Then actually having him there beside me like he had never left was just so unreal to me.

Our Christmas that evening was so much fun. We sat on a blanket on the living room floor, the gas fire place blazing and our hockey highlights blaring on the t.v and wripped open our presents. His empty house was finally a home again. We have been together since. And like our moms have both said to me; distance makes the heart grow fonder. Kim and Andrea know what they're talking about I think. Being together turned into something much more special since he'd been gone.

Now I find I'm getting lost in the features of his face. From his icy, cool blue eyes to the little gap in between his front teeth. These little things that I notice make me smile, the little details. I get lost in his every detail and this is an exciting feeling. Time really doesn't feel like it exists when I am spending it with him. As cliche' as that may sound.

Celebrating the New Year with him and his buddy Parker was really something else. Parker and I get along like we've always known each other. I can tell that this really pleases Rob. We have been all hanging out like room mates and this is the way that it should be. I'm really glad that it's working out.

To me 2006 represents my hopes and dreams. 2005 represents the end of Rudi's very existence in this world. I want so much for 2006 to be my year. To be a year that will always stand out when I look back on it. I want to be able to say, that this was the year that my life really started to pick up.

I am a sucker when it comes to relationships. I may have grown thorns around my heart but I always end up wanting so much to come out of my relationships. I put all of my eggs in one basket to later find out that I was hurt once again. So this year, I hope for it to be different from all of the rest.

But my feelings for this one are like no other I have had. So no matter what 2006 holds for me.. I have an inkling.. that it just might work out. At least that's what my heart is subtley whispering to me.

Where's Santa?

This is all I have to say for now..

The Eve Of Christmas..

I don't even know how I've found time to write this post. Christmas is a really busy time once the family is altogether. Then again my 26 year old sister woke me up nice and early by laying directly on top of me..and laughing? How do you not laugh at a situation like that? But I find myself awake and it is still early, on my first day off; Christmas Eve. The two of them are outside smoking, mother and daughter. So I decided to blog.

My sister brought her digital, the only thing I asked for for Christmas may I add..and found out two nights ago that I was not getting. My mom's short term is the pits, so she forgot that I had asked for anything. Bummer. But we were taking loads of pictures and they turned out to be quite hilarious. I believe they are going to be sent to me after the holidays because they can't get them on the computer .. I don't know how it works. I am a bit behind on the digital cameras these days.

Last night the wine was uncorked and plentiful, shared between myself..and myself. Well, I did salvage one glass to my sister, unwillingly. It is Christmas.

I find that I am still a bit excited about it even though I would now consider myself an adult. I look forward to tomorrow morning when we'll all be up and ripping open presents together. I have never had a Christmas with both Kyli and Joe, so this will be nice and different. It's really nice to see my brother in the house. It just makes it more home having all of us here. Rudi is here too I bet and very happy to see that we're not sobbing our heads off in depression and self pity. I haven't felt sad yet about Rudi since all this Christmas stuff started. I mean, since Rob's been gone I haven't really broken down like I usually do. Then again, I might be holding back until he returns to do so.. I have NO IDEA how my little warped mind works.

There is a retarded amount of presents around here. Kyli and Joe brought three huge boxes worth of presents sent from Joe's family in Nova Scotia. How intense is that?? But it makes the Christmas an even bigger one. And I think it makes mom a little envious...and insecure about the presents she's bought them. But oh well..Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without the added stress of wonder and self doubt.

I know that blog land won't be very busy at this time of year, and if it was I'd truly think I'd be sad about that. If I was getting my digital I'd be documenting tons of pictures each day, but unfortunately the short term memory wins again.. Short term .. you suck.

Merry Christmas Everybody and I'm shooting for happier days to come this year..

One Week Shift

I just returned from my first cookie party. I am impressed with the idea of such an event. I mean, how brilliant of a woman... make a few batches of cookies and invite others to do the same and to bring them..get together, socialize, drink, eat your faces off... and leave with all of your holiday baking. It's quite the clever, little idea. So cudos to whoever thought of that.

My first impression when I walked into the house was.."you're okay, you can do this.." and then when I walked upstairs to see.. No one that I recognized I was more like, "ahhh, run before anyone sees you!" But, I made it through the first forty minutes. Those minutes were a bit slow with getting other people to talk, or getting myself going. But after awhile, and only one 'special' coffee later, I was telling stories about hiking, Alberta, my license? my love for chips and not cookies (oops..hehe) and how much I am loving the island life. So it was all good in the end.

Rob's aunty and cousin were the ones holding the party and I felt that it was important for me to go, just to show them that I am comfortable enough to go and to let them get to know me a little bit better. Things like this are important and I know how important these relatives are to Rob, seeing as they are the only ones here on the island AND because he does love these ones very much. I was also invited along with my mom, so as to get her butt out on the social scene. But she must not be ready for that just yet. She should've gone because she may have met a few ladies that she could've gotten along with. But to be honest, the one that she would've liked the best would most likely be Rob's aunty anyway. So at least I know she didn't really miss out on a new friendship opportunity. I know that my mom will meet Aunty L. sooner or later.

I also felt like this was something I had to do... wanted to do because Rob's really important to me and I know he is really glad that I went and did this. The fact that he's not even here makes it an even bigger deal. It shows that he didn't have to kick my ass out the door in order for me to show up, because he's all the way across Canada.

I am doing much better than I thought I was doing, not having Rob here and dealing with Christmas. I've mentioned before that this is the best week for him to be away because it is the busiest week for me. My brother and sister will be arriving hopefully on the evening of the 23rd. I am very excited for their arrival because then it will truly feel like Christmas is here.

Rob mentioned to me tonight that we have one week apart and then he'll be home. I am glad that it's only one week but it also discouraged me. It feels like he's been gone for days..when really he left on... Sunday? It's almost like when you start a shift at work...and your two hours into it..and your co-worker says, "Wow you've only been here for two hours..you still have.. six more to go.." Ugghh, it's like.. Noooo I haven't checked the clock yet, and then after that you can't seem to keep your eyes off of it. That' s sorta how I felt tonight when he told me that. But that's okay.

He seems to be pleased with me from the stories he's been telling his family. This makes me happy, knowing that he's proud enough to talk about me lots to family and friends. It actually makes me REALLY, REALLY, REALLY happy.

Aunty L. called me sweetie and told me that she just loves me when I left tonight. There, the cookie party was worth it.. for that. I even stashed a present under their tree with a card to the whole family, even Nibs the dog.. and she didn't see it. So that will be a nice surprise for all of them. Plus! She loved me before the nice "fruits and passions" products that I bought them.. Hehe. I am so pleased that she Loves me and thinks I'm a sweetie. We even made plans to get together later in the week to do some..ahem (can't tell, Rob might read..) .. and drink some wine with a few girls. She said she'd love to join, so I'm gonna invite her no questions asked. She was only getting started tonight, but she looks like she could be a lot of fun.

Sooo, in conclusion, the night was great. I did this to meet new people, which I did. Get to know Rob's family better.. which I did. To get an assortment of cookies, which I did. AND to show Rob how much he means to me, which I think I did.

Check Check Check Check !!!!

Legends Are Missed

Just an example of how cooky this one can get..


Missing You.

Today was the day that I took Rob to the airport and sent his tiny little bum back to his mama. I am sure she is quite thrilled, no, actually I know she is just overwhelmed with excitement with having her "golden boy" home. I am sure his sister is happy too, but is also rolling her eyes with all the attention that goes to golden boy when he returns. Believe me, there's a golden boy in my family and watch out... nobody messes with him according to mom.

I kind of lost my cool saying goodbye. But not only because I am a sappy wuss that is actually going to miss him but because of other reasons as well. First off, it was early.. so that means that I am tired, and that makes my mood... sad? Haha, okay okay I miss him because I really care about him. Secondly, this Christmas is going to be tough and I know that I have to face it all alone, even though my family is going to be here with me. My brother and sister don't arrive until Christmas Eve and leave on Boxing Day so... no offense to them..they're barely going to be here. For my third reason... I have my monthly encounter..which means I am Emotion Central, with every little thing making me tear up. So having my boyfriend go away for a tougher Christmas and have to worry about finding my way home in the dark, help with the tear flowage. And I think my main reason for being soooo sad is because part of me, a very stupid part of me in the back of my mind, thinks he will not come back. Even though I know he has to...all his stuff is here. But with the last one, he left me.. To be honest I think that wound is still a bit fresh and the situation is a bit similiar..but I know in my heart he'll return because he is nothing like the last. The idea just freaks me out a bit.

But enough about my sappy self, even though that is really all that is up lately. Christmas is here everybody, can you believe it? I can't. It crept up so quickly. It's only one week away and I still have just a little bit of shopping to do. And it's the most important because it's for Rob. We are doing our Christmas afterwards. Hello Boxing Day Sales! Though I'm not one for shopping on that particular day, but I might just have to make that sacrifice.

Here's to Christmas to come, cookies to burn for my cookie party coming and to staying positive this holiday time! WoopdeeWoo!

WoopdeeWoo? That one, I am not sure how to explain..it just came out. The legend..well that's a long story.. that only the golden boy knows how to truly tell..

On Top Of The Beauty Spot

Hiking is fun apparently? Wow, who am I?

Rob and I decided last Sunday or so to go for a hike. It was quite the work out for this ..untrained little body. Well, the sad thing was .. was that I had been swimming and running and was having a hard time breathing, while Rob is behind me..smoking as he's climbing up the mountain. He held his own embarrassingly well, compared to me. Haha, no we both did really great.

See we do these things together and I can't help but smile when I think back to it. I am proud in this relationship. I don't know if I've ever felt so proud in any relationship, well at least not this much. I am proud of who I am. My working up to feeling.. better about myself is helping as well. Rob isn't shy about telling me that I am doing well. Which is a great feeling. I enjoy him so much.

Last night we decorated the Christmas tree and he kept me focused on the task at hand. As well as the fact that I seem to automatically numb myself in these kinds of situations. Decorating the Christmas tree was always a big thing in our home. Kyli bought mom and Rudi ornaments that reminded her of them. Popeye, Big Bears ..etc. So naturally seeing all of these ornaments and knowing that Rob or I had to put them on and not Rudi, was tough. But I held on throughout it. .... until I returned to Rob's house. I snuck off to the bathroom when Rob was on the phone and BAWLED. Again.

But like I said, this guy is amazing and stepped up to the plate.. that was abandoned... and he took care of me. I love it when he does that. It makes me feel so much better. He holds me ... and holds me tight while my entire body vibrates with sorrow. I love that.

I know that I'll be okay without him this Christmas. I realize that it is going to be tough. But I think I can handle just about anything these days.. And No God, that is not a challenge..

A Tribute

I realize that I am a day late. But the important thing is that I still remembered the day of..

December 08, 1980 John Lennon was shot outside of his New York apartement by David Michael Chapman. Sad news, I am sure for most. I sure was sad about it even though John and I were never on this earth..at the same time..

Okay okay..I realise I sound nuts, but ... I really like him. I watched a lot of specials on John, and I was interested in the Beatles when I was younger. I will admit because I was copying everything the older siblings liked. But, not only did I like the Beatles, I found I had a special interest in John Lennon. He was just interesting.. he stuck out from the rest.

Of course he wasn't the typical lead singer in the sense that he wasn't the "cute one". McCartney was. Lennon was the ... different one. He was just an interesting person and I will continue to read about him and I am sure learn a whole lot more.

It is strange that a person has been dead for more than my very existence. I was thinking about that yesterday. How the hell can that even be imagined? I mean, everyone knows that the world was around before we were...but it's just a difficult thought to process.

Last night Rob, Alex and I paid a little tribute to Mr. Lennon.. We smoked in his respect and.. then later Rob and I listened to his cd laying in bed. I was skimming through some of his songs, because MAN Yoko sucks at singing...and he unfortunately has her in some of his songs. By the way, I refuse to even discuss my thoughts on her. I don't want to express them in this here..tribute. So yes, respect was granted for him yesterday, which I felt was important even if I am one little fan..

The guy is a legend again, Rob and I discussed this.. Was he a legend because he died? I personally think that being killed or dieing early on..is the best thing that could happen to a rock star's image. Sounds sick, but it's true. A person is so much more ... treasured, respected...once he is dead. And..in this society..we always want what we can't have.

The reason why I am so pleased with my fondness for Lennon, is the fact that not a lot of people LOVE Lennon. Well, at least not in my age group. Our age group's legend is Kurt Cobain, really. Which I don't know tons about..but am getting informed every other day .. by Rob. I am enlightening him on John. And I am getting to know Kurt a little better myself.

"Rob, this is my friend John. You may have heard of the band he was in.. He went solo though..you may have heard of some of his work.."

"Oh that's nice Haley. This is my friend Kurt. He invented grunge music..some people make a big fuss over him..."

If we were as cool as we thought...we'd be pretty fuckin' cool.

Spontaneous Johnson

Jack Johnson. He's good. His music is a head bobber, a toe tapper. He relaxes me when I listen to him. If ever feeling anxious, I suggest a good Johnson song to bring you up.

Life lately, is turning into routine, which is nice in a not so new place anymore.. Apparently I live here now. Hehe, I like saying that.

I'm living my own life now. Doing what I need to do, for me. Selfish? Not so much. I look forward to the future. I think my car troubles are going to fixed..after this winter! Then I will be able to take myself wherever I feel whenever I want..night or day.. I love the idea of that. Freedom, true freedom.

I am getting Sundays off now, which is BEAUTIFUL! I want to do more active things on Sundays. I went hiking with Rob yesterday, which I must say was challenging. For a guy that doesn't do anything, he's in fairly good shape. Considering I have been swimming and running for a month now, and he was doing just fine.. Bugger. Some guys are just lucky like that. I can carry him on my back..that's how small he is. Haha..I mean light. He's not scrawny though..which is plenty nice to look at.

After I do anything, like running or swimming, I feel so energized, in control of my body. I am at 140 lbs..and I want to be able to turn the fat .. into muscle..definition. I don't just want to feel good, I want people to see what I've been trying to do... Let them see my reward.

I look forward to my life.. because my future has never been so unknown before.. I have no idea where I'm going to be in one year.. No idea what friends I will have.. where I'll be working and living. I love that. Apparently I've turned a little spontaneous.

Spontaneity is good, just like Jack..