A Lasting Glow

Lately this is how I feel; the world is mine to do what needs to be done. It doesn't matter if it's doing things to make others happy, or just spending quality time with my family, making new memories to cherish. I am really content with my life right now.

Rob and I did a good deed this weekend. We flew my brother Lincoln in from Edmonton to see our mama. Mom is doing well, but she really needed to see him. She misses him truly. So this visit was a complete surprise to her. I wish I could put the video on my blog so as to share her reaction to my brother sneaking up along side her, pretending to be a stranger. It was so amazing to help make someone that I care for over anything in this world; that overjoyed.

It is also nice to be around family again. I think that Christmas isn't just my favourite time of year because of the presents, but because of the family that I am around. My family isn't just the best because they're my family either. We are so much fun when we all get together. Our chemistry is just perfect when all of us around each other. The best part is, is that we found partners that get along with everyone just as well. That is how I know we are all going to end up with these awesome people in our futures. Jess, Joe and Rob all get along wonderfully. This was the first time that Jess and Rob met, but they seemed to hit it off perfectly.

The picture symbolizes the sense of freedom, of completion that I am feeling this morning when I woke up. My guy cleaned the house up while my siblings and I went to my aunt's last night to party and eat great food. As I woke up not remembering much of last nights retreat to bed, I looked at the house and it was neat and tidy. I told him that I didn't expect him to clean up but he did anyway. So I woke feeling great about yesterday, in a place that I didn't have to worry about cleaning. My morning has been spectacular. It's been for me to catch up on the weekend's results and to gather my thoughts about it. Hence, why I feel so good I bet.

Mom is looking so outstanding these days. She's lost 15 pounds and she's a renewed woman, so much that she's glowing in all the pictures that we took. My mom is someone very special to me and in putting that smile on her face yesterday, I too feel that good

Comparisons

One year from October 20th-- my sister's birthday. It was the first time that Rob met Kyli and Joe. We like to call it their anniversary. Rob and I had only been dating for... a couple of weeks. We decided it was time for him to meet my sister and her ..ahem, boyfriend Joe.

Joe and I looking nice...a year ago.
















One year later..looking okay.. I could be better.















Smoochin' her sister..nice BOOBs and double
chin!














We look better a year later..haha
















Joe loving me.













Joe still loving me.















Rob and Haley's first picture...















Rob and Haley's most recent picture...

Weekend Carvings

Pumpking Carving -again.















Last night we decided to bring the kids out in ourselves and carve some pumpkins. Rob of course carved the intricate ghost ship and I chose the five pumpkins stacked on top of each other. It was quite entertaining. I even estimated that it would take Rob from 7-10 to finish his pumpkin. I was exactly right too. Mine took about two hours. But we had a nice time sitting side by side in complete silence for a few hours. We were concentrating so hard that we forgot to even chit chat to one another. Finally I noticed once my pumpkin was complete that we probably hadn't spoken in two entire hours. Haha.

Friday nights with Rob and Haley are spent studying our carving kits and stencils to ensure that we make the best damn pumpkin anyone has ever made, instead of socializing with the friends that we don't have. Nah, I thought it was fun. Rob and I never go out because this place isn't for that. Qualicum was featured on the news the other night as the the place to retire in Canada. It is the #1 place for retirees to finally park their rv's and settle down, with an eternity of golf and chatty senior groups everywhere they look. It's paradise for oldies, not so much for us who are just starting out in life.

Friend wise, we don't settle. It's like going on a date with someone. We always are looking out for the other person's faults and reasons why that would bother us later on in life. Also there are two people to please rather than one. Maybe our friend expectations are too high. I guess we're looking for friends like our own. But those friendships were established over years and years. I met my best friend Katie, when I was in grade two. She was probably six and I was seven or eight, depending.. Rob met his friends when he was around that same age as well. We share the same stories because we grew up together. It's much more difficult doing that now with people. We're working on it. I am not being too picky, really. I've got my eyes out and maybe that's the problem. I wasn't looking when I stumbled upon Rob. He wasn't either. Once we stop looking that'll be when we find some good friends.

My brother and his girl are coming for a short lived visit this weekend. I am really excited. He was needed in the family and so we got him here. I think he's a bit surprised that we did this much to get him here but he's thrilled as well. Again we await their arrival today. This time I know what to expect and I am not at all nervous. It's my family. I love when they come to visit me. I am the youngest and when my older siblings and their spouses come to stay at my/our house I am beyond proud.

Here's to a good weekend with people that have known me as long as I've existed! Now that's a comforting thought.

Busy Bee

This is often the face I give Joe.. "Don't!"















So many days have passed since I last posted. My blog is no longer something I go to when I am sad or lonely. When I first started my blog it was to keep my mind occupied. I had really very little going for me. I had just moved and I have written about it far too much. The point is that I was bored with my life and I valued the time I had to write in my blog. It used to be the very thing that I did in a day. I would wake up late, eat my big breakfast that I'd cook for myself, go on the computer for a few hours reading other blogs and commenting. Back then I had quite a few people to check up on. Today they seem to be few and far between. Suz, Mama, Cassie... Where are they all now? (that's besides the point..) I wouldn't have anyone to phone, or a job to go to. I just can't believe how much my life has changed since then. Did Rob really rescue me from that life I was living?

Today I worked, as usual until closing. I am fortunate with my job. We are only opened until 5:00. I got home around 5:30. I did my weight exercises, push ups and sit ups and went out for my "Run". (although 70% of the time I am "speed" walking.) I got home, showered and threw some clothes in the wash. I finished up whatever dishes I could and heated up our left overs from last night. It was even difficult to will myself into the computer room to write "that blog I have to get written." I love that I give myself homework to this very day.

"I haven't written in my journal for .. three days. I better catch up on those three days....three pages for you Miss. Parenteau."

"Your blog is getting terribly out dated. You haven't written in it since last week!"

Soon my writing workshop starts. I am really looking forward to working on real assignments. I think I just miss english class. I don't really miss much else from highschool. Well there is that entire feeling of belonging to a large group; my grad class. I do miss breaks and lunches with my fellow graduates. There are so many people I haven't seen since graduation. I miss the people I grew up around. I don't even necessarily have to know them all that well to miss them that little bit.

This weekend was my sisters birthday. She turned a whopping 27. I always rememebered wishing all of my life that I was her age. Gosh, what I wouldn't give to be Kyli's age so that I could do all the things that she got to do! Then my mom would say..." One day you'll be happy with your age and it is Kyli that will wish that she was as old as you." When I think of 27 for me, I expect to be working at a career, not at a coffee shop. I hope to be at an easier place than I am at now. Even though things feel pretty good now, they could be better. Money could be better, our living situation could improve. I hope to be proud of myself, like I am now.

My car was broken into in Victoria, while we were visiting. I can't explain the feeling I got when I peered through the window of my car, seeing all of the contents from my glove box spewed all over the passenger side. I felt violated and pissed off that someone had been in my car. But luckily we gutted the little sunfire before we locked all the doors and went on with our night. So the clever, little thief got nothing but a bag full of change that couldn't have been more than.. $5.00 altogether. So HA. Now since my lock on the driver's side is out of order. I've decided to keep my car unlocked, with nothing valueable inside. This way, other thiefs can take a look whenever, then they can see that there's nothing for them inside and go on their dishonest ways. Kind of like a shop owner leaving the cash register open with the flaps up, so that any burglar that may cross the shop's path, will see it is empty and not break it open.

" I feel busy." I said to Rob before I jumped up to write in my blog today. I was laying in his arms on the couch after eating my supper. I was doing nothing at all. Even when I am doing very little, I still feel busy. At least I feel like I am doing something with myself, rather than just writing in my blog and feeling fufilled.


Cheers big ears! Ky's 27!
















Cutie Couple















There she is...not baaaad for 27!

Table for Four

Company is coming..

My very good friend Morgan and her beau are coming for my first official "couples" visit. Rob and I have had our friends come to visit, but never a friend with his significant other. So this is another "first" to add to our list.

I can only hope that we do well to entertain. Like all things I tend to think too much into everything. A at work says " You are over explaining again..." I guess that's what to expect from a person that wants to be a writer. If I didn't over explain everything I couldn't get my point out there the way that I wanted it to.

Even though Morgan told me not to clean like a crazy woman, prior to her arrival, I did just that. We cleaned yesterday morning for a couple of hours. I hadn't realized how dirty my cupboards were until I started cleaning them front to back. My house has been filthy for a whole year and it took me this long to realize!! I saved sweeping and mopping the kitchen floor and of course, dusting for today. Again, I knew I wouldn't like this decision I made yesterday, today. Now I have to clean a little bit more. Oh well, no biggy.

The only bad thing about this visit is that they aren't going to see very much of us, because Rob and I are both working steady while they're here. They'll get us in the evenings. I hope that they don't mind going out on their own. We'll give them plenty of direction and ideas for a nice day out of course.

Well the news on my dad is back. He does apparently have a low grade cancer. People are probably wondering why I posted this part last. But it's because he has a really positive feeling about it and speaking from experience; it doesn't sound overly serious. I'll know more by... the 23rd. What's the point in worrying when it can wait until he knows everything and I can look at the big picture rather than the millions of "what ifs".

I can't say that I am fine with it. It really does make me think. But there's nothing we can do but wait and see how everything unfolds. I said to Kyli when I explained it to her, that there are unfortunately, thousands of little kids that battle cancer everyday and are going hard and strong as ever. If little kids can do it, certainly our own grown father can. Mind you I am not sure if I said that to make her feel better or me...

I am hours away from the company arriving and I am a little anxious for them. I am sure everything will work out smoothly. Apparently Rob's little buddies are planning on triple threating us with a visit. Uh oh.. three boys and Rob for how long I wonder...?? Now that is something to worry about!

I love him when..

October 07, 2006 - Robert and Haley's Official One Year Anniversary

Yes, I am wearing a fake mustache, but that I will explain later.
















There it is. One year together already and finally. That's basically how quickly it went by and how soon it came. I feel like we've been together forever, because we fit with each other so right, so naturally. But the very fact that we've been basically living together a year as well is crazy to me. I can't believe how quickly the year came! I love that we've been together for an entire year. My Last Year memories from this point on are all with Robert. Not with anyone else but him. We are so good together that it used to scare me. I'd wonder when things were going to go all wrong. But I have to stop living like that. I have to just live without doubts or fears. We love each other. We aren't in those puppy love stages where I almost cry when he leaves the room. Haha. Yes, I used to be like that. That is sad. I miss him when he's gone. I want him around when he isn't. When he is, we spend time together. We may not realize it, but we can't stay away from each other.

Rob and I are casually in love. We are so used to eachother like we've been together for years, yet we are just that much in love that others can see that it is true.

You know you love a person when:

1. I am proud when he opens his mouth to speak to my family and friends.
2. He treats my mother like his own.
3. Everyday he makes me laugh with his bizarre behaviour.
4. I sneak a sniff of his t-shirts before I drop them in the washing machine.
5. I wear a picture of him around my neck when he was three months old...and I get
asked CONSTANTLY at work how old my baby is...
6. I love his family like my own.
7. He babies me when I don't feel good.
8. He goes out of his way to please me..
9. I can't wait to make lil' replicas of us together!
10. He is my best friend.

Those are just a few things off hand. As for now; UFC Ken Shamrock VS. Tito Ortiz FIGHT #3 is on tv. It's not PayPerView..which is pretty well unbelievable. Rob's shouting at me to get in the living room so I don't miss it. So instead of writing about how much I love my man.... I am going to go love on him instead!

PS- The mustache story will have to wait!

Weight Lifter

Mama and I in a place we like to call; Heaven on Earth.
















If I didn't want to be a writer so bad, I think I would seriously consider being a therapist, or something like that. I have loved hearing problems since I can't remember. I liked hearing from my friends what they should do in their relationships, all through high school. I never missed the opportunity to let a person know what I thought was up. My opinions aren't usually wrong, as bold as a statement that is. When it comes to advice, I think I give it pretty accurately. I am proud of that.

I phoned my sister the other day. She was having a tough time coping with work and what not. I made her feel so much better by the end of the conversation, and in taking the credit for that; I felt really happy that I could help.

My mom phoned me today and she told me that I was really smart for my age. Wow, I thought, I don't think my mom has ever really said that to me before. My head puffed up three sizes bigger and I nearly floated out of the room, feet dragging below me.

" I can't believe those words just came out of your mouth. I am really going to consider what you said."

She left me with that thought lingering in my head. My family really does come to me with just about everything. I don't think since I've been a little girl, have I been out of the loop, with serious matter going on in the family. Most people have been in the dark about some family issues because other family members feared how one would react. Well, I think that no one thinks I will react all that badly.

I phoned my dad the other night. He seemed relatively pleased that I had phoned. I hadn't spoken to him in over a month. This is something we are trying to eliminate in our relationship. We want to keep in touch as much as possible now that we live so far away. Near the end of our conversation he told me that he didn't want to tell me something, but then at the last minute, decided that he wanted me to know.. He had some tumours found in his bladder and will be going through a minor surgery to remove them. Etc, etc. Normally, with any other family member, I think heart attacks would have been had. But with me, I took all the information in and decided that we would keep this a secret from my siblings until after the surgery and until his results come back to see if the tumours were cancerous or not. Though I have to say I did start shaking when I told Rob the story. I can't say I am not worried. But I am going to continue to protect the rest of my family until I have to tell them what is up. ( any results good or bad.. come in.)

I am like this big shield that stands infront of the ones I love the most. This weekend Rob and I are giving up our one year anniversary so that we can do something else for someone else that is much more important.

At times I feel I have the weight of my family on my shoulders. But my shoulders were the only ones meant for this kind of a load.. and I am more than happy to carry it.


Rob and I in Heavenly Snug Cove..

Change In Temp

At the beach-- in September..

















The weather is changing everyday. The air is a touch cooler than the last. I do enjoy the change here. In Alberta it isn't a gradual thing. It just kind of smacks you in the face. One day it is nice the next it isn't. The air is a lot cooler and the very next day there is three feet of snow. Summer was just winding down yesterday and today you have a blizzard in your back yard. Not to mention a lot of shoveling to do.

Rob and I took a drive the other day to the beach. We were bored and wanted something to do. The beach is always a good idea even if we don't really do much once we get there. The waves were crashing against the the shore and the wind was certainly in the air. But, it wasn't too over powering. It was kind of a comforting feeling, knowing that that is pretty much as bad as it gets here. The call for snow isn't impossible but fairly unlikely.

But with a snow less winter, comes a lot of rain. Last year Rob and I weren't really prepared for it. I found it somewhat depressing. There was never anything to do. With winter, there is Christmas. The Christmas comercials start to come on, the sound of carols are on all of the infomercials and I usually begin to get the familiar tickle in my stomach that I always get around that time of year. Christmas is around the corner and I get in a festive mood. I want to build a snowman or go sledding, maybe snowmobiling (if I had access to one, of course.) But here on the island, it doesn't feel as much like Christmas without the snow. We discussed what we should do to keep ourselves busy this coming winter. We came up with a couple of ideas. But I can't rely on ideas because they don't always happen.

First of all, I want to acknowledge the fact that I am on my third week of running/power walking. I was really down and out about my weight, the way I felt in general after not doing anything physical. So I decided on October 7th to first quit smoking. So I did. But at the same time I decided that eating junk food was probably a big reason why I felt so badly all of the time and also why my jeans suddenly fit like spandex. I quit smoking and eating junk. That day I decided to take a short walk. The next day was a Saturday and again I decided another walk was due. On that Monday I started on my little power walk that gradually turns into a nice joggish run and right back into a power walk down to the beach and then right back up to our house. I have never felt better. I feel more useful and energized, ready and willing to do a lot more things not only around the house but overall. I am happier with myself and the weight I am at. Even if I haven't lost anything I can look in the mirror now and say; "well I'm working on it. " That alone is my greatest accomplishement.

I am planning on continueing this routine through the winter if the streets don't get too slippery. Again having no snow, that probably shouldn't be too difficult. I am also starting a writing workshop through the college come November. I signed up today and payed for the course ahead of time so there's no backing out. I will be doing everything online so I will be able to write confidentally in the safety of my little orange home. This will also be really good for my relationship with Rob. We both need our own things. We may live together, but that doesn't mean we have to be sitting near one another every moment that we are home. Although I do love being around him, doing my own thing helps me feel confident and self reliant. He also enjoys just getting to play away on his guitar without me sitting there turning the t.v up over the sound!

Robert and I also keep ourselves busy. The other night we had my mom over for a sleep over. Rob noticed that our apple tree dropped about thirty apples in the back yard. So he picked them all and decided to make his very first apple pie! He had mom and I peeling him the apples while he rolled his dough with a glass cup. (no rolling pin.) Then I realized mom and I never did stuff like that together. We never sat there chatting, peeling apples and just enjoying each other's company. It was really nice and fun too.

Last night Rob and I made our own sushi. Haha!!!! We went online watched a video on how to make the California Roll by a sushi guy and everything. All I have to say is -- Those fuckers make it look sooooo easy! Well, it isn't! The sticky rice is like a plague. It won't go away. I am still finding traces of it on the kitchen floor, bottom of my socks... dish clothes. It was fun, but we were not successful. We suck at making sushi. But one day we will try it again.



My point is; we have both been keeping ourselves busy, and happy along with taking care of important family stuff together. I believe that this winter will be one of our most memorable. It will be our First Christmas together in our first home ever.

Free Admission

I was catchin up on blogs today. I was inspired by one, to put my pictures of the street concert we went to in Thunder Bay. I have always liked music, ever since my brother and sister started listening to it. Plus having our dad be a musician was an early introduction to it as well.

My dad was in a country music band in the early 90's and they were actually nominated for a Juno Award. The band was interviewed on a television show and they played their first single on the show. They even had a music video that was shown on CMT. They had been to Nashville and set up a booth between famous singers that everyone knows today. He met Trisha Yearwood and Shania Twain. The deal with Nashville is that if you're there, and no one knows you yet, the fans still get your autograph because just the fact that the band is there means that it will be famous very soon. The only thing that ended their career as a band was an unstable lead singer, that wanted to end his soon to be fame and fortune. I say; If you're going to ruin three other men's careers your attempt better work, asshole. Needless to say it didn't and it was just a cry for help and the very key point in the ending of their singing careers.

(**Side note: I didn't really want him to succeed in the "suicide"..but it's hard not to be pissed off**)

Like I said; I was really into music once my brother and sister were. Of course, I wanted to be just like them. They both loved the Beatles and of course, I followed along and found that I too really enjoyed some of their music. I mainly liked the music because my siblings did. But they introduced me to that music and it was later in life that I truly and fully enjoyed them. My sister had a good job for a 15 or 16 year old working at McDonalds. So she was buying cd's left and right, just to say that she had them sometimes. But what I would do, whenever she wasn't listening to them; I'd pop them into her cd player. (at the time she was the only one with a cd player in the house.) I'd listen to her cd's over and over again. I had a tape of her Cranberries cd that I listened to on my walkman as I played Mario Brothers on the Nintendo. After awhile I'd be singing to all the words to her Sheryl Crowe cd and it'd piss her off because I knew all the words and she barely had any time to listen to her new..a little used cd's.

It wasn't until my brother was 16 when he truly closed up. He would hide himself in his bedroom with the phone and play music after school until he was called for supper. His music quickly changed from the Beatles to Melincolin, Face to Face, AFI..etc. Bands that I had never heard of and quite frankly when I did, all I could hear was loud, fast talking with even louder music. He went to tons of concerts with his buddies over his highschool life. I can't say that my sister did. It was more my brother that was the concert type.

I don't know if I was ever really invited to a concert. But I am sure if I was my mom would have been against it. I am still told to this day to be careful with "that knife" when I am cutting something. Had one of my friends been into music and able to go to a concert I think I would have loved to actually go. But the chance never came up; until last summer.

My sister Kyli works at a kind of place that gives her these rewards, for a job well done. Last summer I think I mentioned at the time, she was given two box seats to the Avril Lavigne concert. So I went along with her. Mom had to drive me into Victoria, spend the evening with Joe and his friends. While Kyli and I sang our hearts out to the Avril, along with a thousand other little girls. It was a lot of fun. I didn't have my digital at the time, so I completely forgot to bring my camera. The seats were beautiful. We had food, snacks. We had beer and wine to drink while watching the concert. The security had to ask us to please leave once the show had been over, and all the other fans had cleared out of the arena. We hadn't finished our beers and didn't want to waste. We were escorted out, needless to say... But I will never forget it. It was my first concert, at the age of 20. The choice wasn't mine; Avril Lavigne is okay...but not my absolulte fav.

This summer Rob and I went back to his hometown, Thunder Bay, Ontario. We heard about a concert being held across from the casino and decided to go. Sam Roberts was playing and I couldn't believe it! An actual artist singing for FREE in some random Canadian city. These things just don't happen in Alberta, at least not where I was from. They certainly don't happen in Qualicum; seeing as the senior citizen ratio to other age groups is 100:10 Haha-- I don't really know how to do ratios..so I am not sure if that even made sense. In other words; there are a lot of old people in this town!!


AHHHHH -- I can't for the life of me put my pictures from the concert on here! I wanted to show off how good my camera was.. You can almost see right up Sam's nose! I don't understand why it won't let me post pictures!!!!!

Anonymous Message

It feels so good to be this far from "home!"

I was on the phone with my best friend. She was just telling me about another one of our friends that passed through our home town. Now she was the girl that hadn't visited Hinton since my step dad's "service". So she wasn't really looking forward to it. So she stopped in at the Smitty's (the one I worked at for far too long) and saw the very people that she did not want to see. She gets a an anonymous phone call hours later.. "if we ever see your face in Hinton again, we'll kick your ass."

Now, a couple of years ago this would have made me feel sick to my stomach with worry. But I mean... how old are we? It just makes me LAUGH. How can people still hold onto that bully thing years later.... many, many years after high school for some... It just is such a joke to me. Now this is the very reason why I am happy to be living in British Columbia, faaaar, faaaar away from that stink hole. (Hinton has a mill; therefore it stinks..literally.)

I walk around here and I am at ease and peace with the world. Even though Q.B resembles Pleasantville, it is a great place to live without drama. At least it's been working for Rob and I so far. Everything about this town is perfect. The flowers are perfect, the roads are perfect.. it is a strange occasion when garbage is actually seen on the ground, before someone picks it up.. Someone left their car keys ... and I'm not talking about a piece of shit car... but a Niiiiiiice car.. These car keys were forgotten, and someone taped them to the mail box that they were found near. These keys were there for weeks... WEEKS. It had an alarm push pad on the key ring as well, and no one stole it! Mind you-- ALLLL of my cd's and cd adaptor was stolen out of my car a few month ago. I think that the young kids around here are all messed up.. They're too bored and do the strangest things to keep themselves occupied. Other than the youth in this town.... everything else is perfect!!

I love my life here. I feel more independent and there are no strings connecting me to my hometown anymore. All of my friends have left and moved on with their lives. They'd probably agree with this post.

Every town is someone's hometown... Again; to each his own.

Say No To Junk

(Pissing my mom off on my b'day
at my gran's...)



















I am beginning to wonder how huge "blogging" is really becoming. There are all of these updates and new kinds of systems... The trouble is that I am attached to my blog and I fear I'll lose everything if I move on to greater, better blogging services. I was watching "Ellen" today. She was talking about blogs and interviewed a girl on her show about her "My Space". She said that over twenty thousand people have checked out her blog since she started two years ago. I am really beginning to wonder how many people actually flip through or read my blog that don't comment. I am sure I have a few regulars that don't like to comment, but rather just read what is going on in my world. But wow, I wonder ... Is my life interesting enough to check up on regularly? I'd have to say no...

I know that my life was more dramatic when I first moved over a year ago. I was undergoing many changes and feelings. But over a year later.. today; I fear that there really isn't that much to write about, that hasn't already been covered.

I have been worried about my body lately. I guess women in general probably stress a lot over these issues. The world has gotten a lot more cruel. Perhaps I was too young to have paid any attention to the media and celebrity magazines. But now it seems like everyone in Hollywood is dieting, excercising in at least two ways.... It's just unsettling really. I don't think that the world needs to be fat and lazy.. But I do think that there are more important issues to focus on, other than our weight or appearance in this world.

Everyday I criticize myself. I do. I look in the mirror and reject myself. How can this be sexy? Okay, put some clothes on me.. hide a few things and maybe, I can be sexier. But as I bare all, I really am forced to wonder what is appealing?? I am not looking for compliments.. I am just expressing my feelings for the passed.. LATELY.

I know that I could do a lot of things to improve my appearance. For one, I could stop smoking since I started up this June. I could try doing my 'at home exercises' like I did before the summer. I could buy a one piece bathing suit and hit the swimming pool that is literally two doors down from my front door. AND-- I know I could cut out some pretty stupid junk foods that I eat, all of the time. It's just so tough being skinny up until about 17 and then suddenly having to worry about all of this B.S. It is also easier to write and think about what I could do, rather than going out tomorrow and doing them.

I sometimes wish that I was just pregnant so that I would have an excuse, a real excuse for eating some of the bizarre foods I eat.

" Oh you mean, eating a breakfast bagel at 10pm isn't normal?? So I guess eating an entire bowl of popcorn is out as well???"

This is my vice. Junk food. I don't have a weight problem yet. But I fear soon enough I will, if I am not careful.

Just Me

This is my family:

Ky,Linc..me




















My Robert..



















My mama and her babies..















Today is just for me.

I am having an extra day before I go back to work, back to my old routine. I feel a bit lost this afternoon. Maybe it's because Rob and I have been together everyday for the last two and a half weeks. Leaving me alone in my house to do whatever I want is what I always look forward to. But today, I just feel kind of out of it.

I decided early on to catch up on my online stuff. I've updated my hi5 account with all of my pictures from my holidays. I caught up on fellow blog friends that I hadn't checked up on lately. I basically have sat on the computer all morning.

Is it wrong to not want to go out? Or to be seen by anyone I know? I just don't feel like seeing people today. Other than my mom and Rob. Mom might be coming over for some chili this evening. I really hope she comes. She's been down lately and has quite a lot going on in her life. If I could have password protected blogs, I would, but I really don't know how.. So I'll just have to leave it at that.

I love my mama and hope that she realizes how much she is loved.

It was so nice having my brother here. He said he was jealous because I had a car and a wicked "beach house." I guess it could be called that. It's near the beach and it is bright orange on the outside. My family is so important to me. Friends are as well. But I am beginning to see how difficult it is to make really good friends, when I'm so far from the people I've known. I just see all of these pictures of old acquaintances back in Hinton on hi5. So many things haven't changed but those pictures always bring me back. They somewhat make me feel guilty or jealous... knowing that I don't have that special bond with anyone back "home". I have a couple of people that I could call good friends. But, even those friends I think I am growing so far from. I know I'll always have something to talk about on the phone, but I wonder if when she phones, she isn't hoping I'm not home so she can just leave a message. I just hope she cherishes our friendship as much as I do.

See this mood? I am all over the place and not making a whole lot of sense. I am happy though. I keep seeing pictures of Rob all over the house or here on the computer and I sigh and think about him. Sometimes I just flat out say to myself, "I love him". Or I am shocked at how good looking he is. It probably doesn't help that I have damn country music singing from my kitchen radio.

Mom's mood changed from yesterday. She might not make it for supper tonight. Oh well. I hope she comes anyway.

I think what I need to do is go buy those tampons I need.. (hence the mood maybe-haha) and come home to my couch, and wrap myself up in a big comfy blanket..and watch day time t.v until I fall asleep. How many people can say that they can really find the time to do that? I know I won't be able to..for quite some time after today..

Heart Strings Attached

The End-

And no Parker isn't really grabbin' it..















Farewell T.Bay!

So it is our very last night. It's midnight.. and we have to be up in four hours. Yuck. But I just can't find it in myself to go to bed just yet. I know that once I close my eyes, it really is all over. I get so attached to people, lifestyles... people.. I'm just sad again. It's like when I left my new found friends in Lafayette. I was so heartbroken leaving them because I knew that I would never find people quite like them again. (Mind you; I never did see them again..and I knew that leaving)

This time is different though. I get to see these people again. Dave's coming in November to visit and I know that Parker can't keep away. I am really hoping that Dan finds time to join us eventually some time too.

I felt such a close bond tonight. We all went bowling, and as corny as it sounds it was so fun because we knew that this was it with these people. I'm sure Rob is even more sad because these are the people he grew up with. He must feel pretty upset knowing that we're going back to a place where we have very few friends. This is our fault we know. But the people aren't quite the same on the island, at least where we are living.

So here I am in my undies typing against the clock as quickly as I can... I am just searching for words to express how I am feeling right now. I am not only sad but I am looking forward to getting back to our old routine. Once we fall back into that schedule things will be just fine. But it's those Vacation Is Over Blues singing in my head. I know everyone gets them. I just get really attached to my vacations.. Well like I said, the people I meet or spend on my vacations.

Rob and I hugged everyone in the parking lot of the "Bowladrome". Parker threw his water at me in my open window as we sped away. Haha- so highschool. But I loved it. A Red Hot Chili Peppers song was playing. It's so funny because when I was in Lafayette, the RHCP were on my summer cd's quite often. So that's it.. I found my theme song for Thunder Bay. Song 2 on the RHCP's new cd. (I'll do my research later.. when I don't have 4 hours to sleep .. )

So when I am asked; "How was your Thunder Bay trip?"

I'll reply, "I really loved the people that were part of Rob's life growing up. As for T.Bay; I'm happy to be home. "

Last Chance

Last Night's Outings-


Rob's girls: Alana and Corrine















El Quadro (it took me ten tries to get them all
to smile!!!)














The happy couple..and Rob's friends..














"I hate you Parker..Errrr!!!"














Saturday- our last night to party on our vacation..

I am sitting here, waiting for things to unfold.. Rob just woke up from a nap. It's 10pm and most people would call it quits for the prospect of going out. Oh no, not Rob. He wants to go to one of the fancier clubs tonight, one I haven't gone to yet. My stomach still hurts from last night.

Last night, I was drinking Extra Strong Bellini's at Moxies, beers at Speers..haha.. and a strong drink at one of the shags (I'll explain those in a later post) and beers at Roxy's.. You'd think that I would be right smashed, but for some reason I felt stone cold sober. I could not figure it out. I think what happened was; I faked sober. I thought I was sober, but when I woke this morning I was soooo thirsty like I had been right wasted. When I look back at the pictures, I look a bit drunk. It was such a shitty drunk, like I had been tricked the entire night that I wasn't. Oh well, hopefully I won't be having one of those again.

We were going to go to Duluth today, but we woke with no one here as well as no vehicles left. So we sat around and waited for someone to come home. They did..but at 4. So we went to the mall to shop instead. It was nice to actually go out for lunch just the two of us. We had a great lunch and were energized for more shopping.

I have come to the conclusion that next time we go on a vacation, we are going to actually go on vacation. This entire time, I have done very little, but it was very far from relaxing. I think this was just the kind of trip that was mandatory. Meeting all of the family and allllll of his friends. So now, I think we'll plan a more, one on one trip for the two of us to relax and be together. Even though, we're always together at home. But everyone knows that Home Together and Vacation Together is quite different.

Tomorrow I meet allllllllll the Italians and family friends.. As for tonight; who knows. I just hope to have a decent time and maybe tonight I'll drink and know I am drunk.

Sneak a Peak

Out and About In Thunder Bay

Like I previously stated; I have been out and about with Rob's friends for the entire time that we've been here. Last night was like the others.. getting drunk and taking lots of pictures to prove it.



The boys the other night at Scuttlebutts ..

















Erin, Alex and I before the bar last night..
















Erin's little nipple pinchers ....Parker loves it.
















This has been my life for the passed week!

Taking A Breather

"Go Dog Go" by Dr. Seus .. this is the theme of my vacation since I got here on Thursday. We literally had not stopped until last night. We have been busy with friends, sight-seeing, more friends, drinking and partying that we just realized we only have one week left of our time here.

I went fishing with eight boys on Sunday. I don't even want to get into how I got to this one lake. Rob's dad is a crazy driver, that does not care if there is a road to drive on.... It looked as if we just decided to turn off the road into the bushes and somehow, we might find the lake eventually. Of course this is his favourite, "secret" lake and he knew exactly where we were going the entire time. At the time, I did not feel like he knew what he was doing... It was an adventure, but one that I won't be forgetting.

Last night Rob and I had the camp all to ourselves. It was actually one of the first romantic things that we've ever done. We were all alone, at the edge of a gorgeous lake. We had a fire in the wood stove, had some candles lit and he even played me a few tunes before bed. It was nice to find my head again after all of the chaos of meeting tons of people and seeing everything I need to see.

I really like the people that I am meeting here because they are all so genuine. Each one of Rob's friends are real.. I like that. I am beginning to understand why Rob talks so much about this place, and it is because of the people, his buddies. They really do make a place like T.Bay feel like home.

Flying Forward

Here I am. I am a long way from home that's for sure. We traveled across Canada the other night on a midnight flight. It wasn't as bad as I had imagined. At the same time, it felt very exhausting getting off of our four hour flight into Toronto. I think the time difference of three hours really does something to the average person as well. We lost three hours mid flight. So to us, it was 2:30 am and the sun was just starting to come up beside us. That is so fascinating. Rob said, "Look baby, we're flying into the future."

Rob and I did fairly well for our first flying trip. We only argued once because we were both very tired, and hungry and thirsty.. Because of all that has happened recently, bottled water and drinks are banned from airplanes and airports. So when a water is ordered anywhere, (which it HAS to be because the vending machines are all closed) a person is over charged and the water has to be poured into a cup. It feels like prison. We were all in our closed off smoking area in the airport and everyone is looking for a light because their lighters all got taken away by customs. we have to look for the man in uniform if we want a light. (pilots, airport staff) We all sit together and exchange war stories.
"I lost my lighter at customs..had to throw it right in the garbage."
"Oh yeah, well they said I could bring my lip balm, and it turns out I had the wrong kind.. not in a tube, but in a little container..and pfff that was the end of that."

We arrived in T.Bay at 7:00 B.C time, 10:00 O.N time. We were ridiculously exhausted from the flight but that didn't stop us. We visited a few of Rob's friends that weren't working and started to drink. But as the night went on, we came to find that we were just too out of it, to even be able to get drunk enough where we could have a crazy, woopin' good time. So we played it low key and were in bed by 12:30 (9:30 our time..hehe)

The weather is a whole different story. It is so humid here I feel like I'm in Louisiana again. I have not felt heat like that. It was only 29 and it felt like 35+. Apparently it is supposed to go up to 46 in the next week. Ahh I can't even imagine what that's like. (I'm talking celcius b.t.w..for those american fans I have..) This morning felt like a real summer vacation morning. I don't even think that that makes sense, but it just felt like I was truly on vacation, because that kind of heat is so welcoming and awesome early on in the day.

I met all of Bob's close guy friends.. el quadro...as I am told together they are all called. I have to force myself to be the tourist and take loads of pictures so we can make a vacation album together. I have some pictures but I'm at a different computer, and doing all of that just might be too much work for me today.

I am happy to be here, learning more and more about my boy each day..

Mornings of the Past

Anticipation. That is all I feel right now. I am anticipating so many things at this point. I am so excited for tomorrow when I get to see my brother again! I still can't believe it's been eight months since I saw him last! To think, we used to live under the same roof for many, many years. It is an odd thing to think back way back when it was normal to live at home, with your siblings.

I was talking about that.. I took myself back to Hinton, in my old bedroom. The mornings where I would sleep in until I felt. Back when sleeping in wasn't something to feel guilty about. I could hear my parents croaky voices coming out of the kitchen in the early mornings. Rudi would be up for work and my mom always, always woke up with him. I could hear Rudi talking to the puppies in his.."sweet puppy voice". I smiled thinking about it. He talked to me like that when I was little too, and sometimes when I wasn't feeling too good. Another smile. Then there would be silence for much of the morning, until my sister woke. She usually got up before me and most definetly before Lincoln. I could hear her and mom having coffee. I think sometimes I'd even hear the coffee brewing. That was usually when I wanted to make myself wake up because I always loved getting in on the morning coffee and smoke.

There would be mornings where Kyli, Mom and I would get up and sit around talking for hours before we'd have showers, get out of our pajamas.. Those were the good old days. When we were all comfortable because we were home. Now when we all get together, someone isn't truly home. At mom's.. she's home, but the rest of us aren't. It's a comfortable place, but it will never be like our homes before, when we all shared the same kitchen and bathrooms.

I can't believe all of that is over. To think that I never really knew what I had. I wish I could tell people to appreciate those small things. I'm sure I'm taking a few for granted here as I sit typing away. We never truly see what we have until we don't anymore. When I think about it, I don't have a mortgage or children to take care of. In ten years from now, even five I'll think about how my life was so good now. No kids to wake me up. My days off of work, were really and truly days off, for the most part.

Being from a divorced home, I am used to the fact that my "family" aren't together very often. But, now that Ruder's gone, there really isn't a place or time that we'll all ever truly be together again. Well maybe, one day... when we've all passed on.. Who knows.

My family life.. awww. Thinking about it is bittersweet. I know it wasn't perfect. We fought and slammed doors as much as the next family. But there's just something about family that nothing exceeds. Family is it. It's there always, whether a person likes it .. or not.

Tomorrow I work, and wish I didn't. Only because my brother gets in early in the morning and I have to be tortured, knowing he's here and not be able to get to see him until after four. He said he'd probably stop by my work. I'm excited, but that's even more torture really! I'll want to tag along like I always did. When I was four and busted them for sneaking out in the hallway to watch t.v after bedtime. They said I had huge feet (though I think they were exxagerating!) and I'd stomp really loud behind them and this would be the siren that allowed our folks to know we were out of bed..again. Or.. when Kyli and Lincoln went to their firsts day of highschool together.. I sat in the window and watched them as they nervously walked down the road to their bus stop, wishing so much that I could go. Fully knowing that one day I would have to do that same walk... but without them. It's not as drastic of a feeling this time around but I am going to wish to run after them as they leave the shop.

There will be much more to tell as the weekend unfolds... Pictures to see and more family memories to make, with the loved ones I still have.

Between These Lines

Timid- lacking self confidence, fearful and hesitant.

I have been told recently that I am far too timid. That I am so far gone into timid, that she worries. She wants to get me out of my little, timid turtle shell ASAP. Hmmm..

Of course I am immediately offended, as I usually react to anything such as this. But for some reason I can't seem to shake it. I think that reason is because.. it's true.

I hate it when people are insecure. I don't let others know it right away. Though I do have a problem with eye contact. I've had this for so many years. She blames my mom for not distilling this quality a person is supposed to aquire from his parents. Hmm.. again I am offended. Don't attack the parents. Especially my mom because it hasn't been easy for her. I'm not talking about recently either. Ever. Life has not been easy for her ever. So back off.

But again, she is correct. I do have a problem with eye contact. Someone told me once, that I had sad eyes. That comment has really stuck with me. I guess I have to trust a person to really look into his eyes. So at work I will gaze. But I won't stay on them. Today for instance a man was looking right into my eyes. He was with another woman and it made me uncomfortable. I figured he was trying to pull me in or something, have a silent affair. Why do I think such things? You'd think I've been through more in my life, like being sexually assaulted.

So what's with this trust issue I have? I still don't get it. I could be my own psychologist..and really dig deep:

1- your parents were divorced at a young age. This causes you early disapointment in life. Teaching you not to let yourself get hurt.
2- you have had some pretty ugly relationships in your past. One being a first love that turned into a cheating, suicidal, coke head. (though I think things are better for him. And I'm glad)..Another being.. When the going got tough, the tough certainly didn't get going..rather he decided to stay behind and leave me to face my new life alone. (and i know he's doing just fine. And that is another good thing.)
3- the one man you could rely on died suddenly, leaving you with this feeling of betrayal.
4- your mom's back. (that is an issue all in itself..and i'm sure a shrink would bring it up.)

Then I met Rob. He was like this teacher..this person that helped me walk again so to speak. He showed me that Love is not always a scary thing. He's been really amazing, since the day we met. He gets cranky from time to time. ahem tonight. But, it was one and my clicking on this doesn't help when he works in the morning.

So there are so many ways in which I can fix this. But how. I guess it's not going to be easy. I'm going to have to do things I don't want to do.

Another thing is I always bail out on everyone. I'm turning into my mom. I just would rather not go to a wedding shower, because... it's a wedding that I don't entirely have close feelings about. I think I would like to go to a wedding shower and be happy for the person, rather than have doubts and not want to say anything, knowing that she's probably heard it from everyone. How can I be a good friend if I'm never there.

Sure I get lonely. But I don't really deserve friends if I never go out with them. Or if I don't answer my phone when it rings. It's silly really. What am I so afraid of?? That's what I ask my mom when she's doing the exact same thing as me. Interesting.

All the answers are within myself. No one can really answer any of them for me. I just have to shut up long enough (in my head..which is entirely impossible, unless I am sleeping and then..I have the most bizarre dreams..) and listen for what I yearn for. I still don't know what that is. Courage? Friends? Confidence? Eye Contact? Assurance that I'll never get hurt again?

I guess I'll just have to wait..and let it come to me. Perhaps all I need to do .. is read this post in a few days..

More In Store..

The boys, being boys..















There are so many great things happening in the next couple of weeks. Kyli and Joe came for a visit. They wanted badly to go to the BlueGrass Festival in Coombs. We all went on Saturday night and it was an okay time, for me personally. Rob got nice and liquored, but I think I held back because I am still taking my antibiotics.

Kyli and Joe seemed impressed again with our living situation. We do have a lovely home, a great backyard, lots of food in the cupboards (apparently..though I thought we were running low. ) It's always nice to impress someone like an older sister, a person I basically dedicated my adolesence to have notice me.

Yesterday was a fun day for sure. The boys went paintballing with Rob's boss. Kyli and I went to Aunt B's. We ate drunk chicken, my favourite macaroni salad and marinated steaks later on in the night. Around four in the morning Aunt B made all of us breakfast as well. I have to say, she is a fantastic host.

Robert and Joseph.... Those two are like peas in a pod when they are together. They get along really well. He definetly is like the big brother that Rob never had. Now that I come to think of it, Joe has two sisters, so it's kind of like that for him too. The two of them can talk up a storm because they always have something to talk about. They both play guitar and sing. They're dating "the sisters". I like that they can confide in each other about us whenever they need to.

The weekend was good. But next will be even better because MY BROTHER is coming to visit!! I couldn't be more excited. I haven't seen him since Christmas. It's coming close to a year that we haven't been around each other. Quite frankly, that is too damn long. Next Wednesday we leave for T. Bay as well. So this August is fun-filled for Rob and I.

I am just really looking forward to getting away from work for more than two days.

This weekend was good, but the ones to follow will be even better!!



At the BlueGrass Festival