D R U N K

Wow. Last night. Wow.

Okay so here goes it.....

My night was very fun. I went to the pub with my cousin and some friends. We drank and I played many games of pool. Apparently I was winning..five games in a row...or was it four? I am no pool shark but I can hold my own I at least think. BUT, I kept winning by default. The eight ball would fall in at the beginning or the white ball would follow the eight ball and the poor man I was playing would wince. Haha, it was a beautiful thing really.

The pub was quite full for "the pub". Alex and I call it "Foreman's basement" off of "That 70's Show" because it's so layed back there. And ugly with lots of brown furniture..haha. We have our favourite bartender, Trent. He's the best and always makes sure our drinks are full. We love him and know his schedule. We usually don't go there unless he's working. And that's saying something. Ally's friend is moving and this was why there was so many people there. I hope he had fun.

Ally is going to put me on a blind date with someone. I remember telling her that I would love to go on one with her videotaping the entire thing. Haha. I must have been drunk because that's a lot of pressure. Someone always watching what's going on. I am looking forward to a date...but, I am totally freaked right the fuck out. Who will it be? Why did I agree to do it?? Ahh, yes the alcohol. Right.

Back to last night... unfortunately my story is not finished. So we go to Ally's bosses house. And we continue on with the drinking....and drinking...and drinking... Apparently after a certain point in my memory...I don't recall the evening. I don't remember how it ended. I heard from my aunty that I passed out on the couch and Alex had a hell of a time waking me up. Oops. AND I woke up late very late to find that my shoes were not there. Hmm, I must have left the house without my shoes. Again, that's saying something... D R U N K.

But it's starting to get out of hand. Why oh why did I do this? Why did I have to get so drunk? I wasn't there to return my mom her car so she almost lost her very important appointment. So I wake up in a panic..looking for my shoes....and then I had to go to the bathroom forever. I just sat there...trying to feel better...hoping that the spins would subside...and that I would be feeling better soon. Then, my mom and her parents drive up. Uh oh. Trouble.

I think that my mom is going to kick my ass for not being there when I promised I would. But no, it's not mom I should've been fearing. Grannie. She was so mad at me. I have never felt so low as I did this morning when she was yelling at me. The worst feeling ever. I was shocked. Dumbfounded. As I was leaving, after many, many tears later she said she was sorry for freaking out on me. She thought I was dead. That's why I wasn't answering the phone...not because I was so hammered last night...not because I was passed out from all the alcohol in my system...not because I was an irresponsible little bitch..and forgot about my mother completely last night between..the beers, the gin, the rye....They thought I was raped..or killed..or get this one...OVERDOSED on something. Wow, I don't even do drugs. They were really worried.

I hate that my grannie gave me shit. I hate it because it was embarrassing and everyone saw. I hate that I had to leave my aunty's house without shoes..how degrading. I hate that I didn't say anything to my grannie to make her feel better when she apologized to me, crying. I am a bitch. The alcohol numbed me. Maybe that's why I drink.

Alex and Haley sober for once..haha

The result of a very unsuccessful game of quarters that I mentioned before..

I do not know why I had to remove clothes to do this...but I felt the need to..at the time it felt right..Again just a little intoxicated and full of energy

Everybody Needs An Ally

Alex my cousin. We have so many memories the two of us. We used to fight really bad when we were little because we were so much alike. Alex used to get so mad. Once she literally threw me out of her room. When I'd come to visit, I'd keep all of my things in her room. We got into one of our fights, Ally got into a stink and threw my suitcase out of her room and kicked it down the stairs towards her sister's room. HAHA. Too funny. After that, I got my own little room in the basement so as to avoid that situation happening again. I love that story.

Alex is so much fun. We have had many laughs together and I am just blessed to be able to live by her now. Especially with everything going on, this is the perfect place to be because she is a ten minute drive away.

Last night my goodness. I went to Alex's house for some karaoke and wow did we ever sing. We played, now I can't spell ... kamakazee karaoke. This is where everyone in the room has to sing at one point. We pass the microphone on and randomly select songs from the cd's. This is always a good time, sober or drunk. Me, yeah I was quite drunk. I at one point was dared by Alex to run through the sprinkler system in her back yard. Luckily, I had my camera and told them to capture the moment. Yes, we sure captured that moment as you all can see.

Today mom and I went shopping in Nanaimo. We did the Wal*Mart shop and all that but I finally got my pictures developed which is so nice. So I wanted to post a few of them and most of them include pictures of me DRUNK and with my cousin. The shopping was so great. There's something about spending money that I haven't earned yet...that is dangerous and intriguing. Haha, such a dork. Good ol' Mastercard. My mom just yelled, "where did you get your shirts from again...Garbage Clothing?" Haha, no it's Garage Clothing. Sometimes I wonder about that woman. She's crazy but we had some mother/daughter time together, spending some money. I spent a disgusting amount on six new karaoke cds to add to Alex's collection. It's only gonna get uglier from this point on.. haha. There were purses on for ten dollars .... all sizes... all styles. I bought a purse that is the colour of Split Pea and Ham soup. Blech, but a nice looking purse, just because it is so ugly.

Ugly somehow is good. That's how I get along in this world. HAHA

So back to my cousin, the one that is the reason why I even have friends right now. I think everyone needs that certain someone, outside of any relationship or marriage.. that is there whenever you need a good laugh..or a cry, whatever the case.. I like having a few of those friends for backup, just in case Alex is working or having a bad day herself. When Alex is sad, she likes to be left alone to do what she does on her sad days.. and I respect that. She's also a napper. I don't like to bother her naps because they mean so much to her. How adorable is that. She's going to be 21 soon and she still has her afternoon sleeps. Aww..I love her.

So I posted this blog in honour of PUKE GREEN purses, drunk fiascos..kamakazee karaoke... AND Ally Bally. I love ya baby.

My Life In a Notebook

My journal is the love of my life. My blog is turning into my main priority and I have to watch that. I have had a journal since December 31, 1996. I vowed that day that I would write at least one page every day.. until I stopped. Well I haven't stopped. Sure I miss a day or two..or nearly a week. But I go back, remembering what I did that day...and write a page about it.

When I was younger I used to write each day faithfully and I had loads of stuff to write about. It helped me get along with my hard times..my awkward pre-teens and what not. I think that if any young girl or boy even is having a hard time, their parents should recommend a journal. I was lucky enough to have parents that completely respected my privacy. So I had no worries about them invading in on my thoughts.

But now I am slowly starting to slip and I think that this will continue to happen as I grow. Eventually I will just be too busy to find time to write in my journal as much. Plus this blog is sort of taking up all of my writing time. I am starting to wonder if I should just print these off and put them into a scrap book...and call that my journal. But I just can't rid the habit of writing in my notebook every night.. Lately I don't write every night because I am usually out doing something, or I get home and it's too late and I'm tired, etc.

This morning I had to get up earlier than I wanted. My mom had a dr's appointent in town and I had to go with her...and then straight to work. So I sat in the car with the heat cranked and I wrote in my journal for the previous week before. I loved every second with myself this morning. I think that everyone needs to do this every once in awhile. It's like I caught up with myself.. Like, "Oh hey, there you are. I haven't been around you in a long time. I've just been really busy living.." We all need to stop... and realize that we're still there for ourselves. Haha, it sounds ridiculous. But it felt great.

The timing was superb... My mom returned to the car just as I was writing the last line in my journal..
"what the hell is a girl to do.." The time spent writing my deepest, inner thoughts on paper was just what I needed. I can't reveal all my secrets on my blog because people actually are reading it. Maybe I could before...but not now. My feelings are too precious and important to be throwing around online for people that I may or may not want to read.. I try to be a secretive person...keeping my real feelings to myself. I'm told that this can be unhealthy. But when it comes to my writing, I usually let most of it all out. When it comes to my heart...I stay silent.

I've been too vulnerable in the past, too open to make things happen and I've worn my heart on my sleeve.. big mistake. I am more reserved...making it harder for people to get close to me. Defense mechanism. Maybe. Playing it safe. Yes. Unhealthy. Can be. Don't care. Damn rights.

I don't tell my story to any person I come across. Even though strangers...people I've never met read about some pretty intense words..right from my own life... It's not the same, as if I met any of my blogees on the street. I wouldn't just spill my feelings like I do on here. Somehow it's very different. Erin and Holli, Mama and Afguy they all know what's going on in my life.. But I don't have to "see" them in my regular day. I don't have to serve them coffee at the shop...look into their eyes..and look away knowing that they can see deep into my soul...at my past, at my hurt.

So I think I will continue to write on in my own personal notebook like I have for the past nine years. And maybe one day I can look back on it all and summerize it into a book.. Who knows, maybe people will read it... I mean, some people are reading this..

Denise's painting

Second Wind

Hey, hey!!

Wow last night was loads of fun. I went to a house party type deal and wooped it up. I was playing "quarters" one on one with this guy that was very good at it. Meaning, I was very drunk after we were finished. I took tons of pictures to document the evening, but I have to get my pictures developed, I have yet to purchase a digital like everyone it seems. I was a bit of a brat because of the drinking, causing mischief. I was told today that it was okay, just as long as I had fun. And well I did..so I guess it's okay! Okay!

I received a letter in the mail. I wrote the first letter and was hoping for a reply any time soon. But after awhile I feared that it wouldn't come. But it did and I couldn't be happier. I wrote Paul's mom a letter, saying goodbye in a sense. I love her and wished that I could've had the chance to talk to her again, and all that kinda stuff. So I expressed my feelings in the best way I know how and wrote her a letter. She loved it and laughed, smiled and cried and cried some more I am told over it. She is a great artist and sent me a painting that she made of an area outside of Hinton. She said it was a memory of where I grew up. I love it and am going to frame it as soon as I get the chance to.

Now this woman is my freakin' mentor..minus the fact that she's a Jehovah's Witness. She is everything I want to be. She's a mother, a great friend, loving, caring, amazingly funny sense of humour. She paints, sings, plays the guitar, scrap books, cooks and cleans like nobodies business. I just love her to pieces. Really I miss her more than Paul these days. I think I will always miss her and I won't allow myself to get over her. There will be no getting over Denise. No no. She informed me of what was up with her family and the baby...

I saved the letter that I sent her and it was very nice and I am really proud of myself for writing it. She said that my maturity shone throught out my letter and that she was so pleased that I decided to write. She gave me great advice, and made me feel better about the entire situation. She said that she was glad I was apart of his life, and that he is a better person because of it. Who wouldn't want her as a mother in law...? She's so amazing.

She said that no one is whole until they have spirituality in his life. I agree. I am not a Jehovah's Witness or anything really for that matter. But I do believe that there needs to be "something" in your life.. I look for guidance in my angel cards. I feel better knowing that there is something..or someone watching over me from... wherever. Rudi is my main angel up there and that is a very comforting feeling.

I just feel a whole lot better. There is a weight being lifted off of me.. I think of it as... when I wake up for work, I make a point to have a nap after work because I'm so tired. But once work is over I have a second wind and think, "F the nap." Well this is my second wind. She gave me energy and joy to keep on going. I mean, I was going to keep the ol' chin up but this really helps a chicky out.

The house party lifted my spirits too. I love socializing in a party setting...and getting letters from my ex's mama. This lifts my spirits to the moon.

Me talking to my dad when I was little...

My dad and I.

My Heart Sinks a Little..

Okay so my biological father..for everyone that is confused....came and visited the island this week. Him and my step mom Shelley went to Victoria first..and visited my sister. Then, they came and picked me up and took me back to Victoria so that I could be included on a little family time. It was really nice to be able to show my dad and step mom around the island, even though I am too, very new to it. But there was some definite pride in it.. I'm like..."no no, this is the way to parksville..exit 46..it'll take you right through, onto the island highway into Qualicum, no problem there dad." I don't know what it is about telling your own dad the directions to anywhere and him having to have complete and total trust in you.....that just feels so DAMN GOOD.

Now I had a very good talk with Shelley and my dad on the way home today. I am not alone when it comes to my situation with mom. They know what's going on, and they are 100% supportive. She'd hate that I confided in the both of them, but you know what... I really needed to. I don't care if my entire family is upset with me..I had to talk to someone. I needed some family support. (not like all of you amazing blogees aren't great support..) I felt not alone for the first time...since we moved here.

My aunty owns a bed and breakfast that my dad and Shelley are currently staying at. She had all of us over for a grand feast. Very yummy, delectable dishes...and what not. Haha, I make it sound so extravagant. Well if you knew my Aunty Bobbi, you'd understand how amazing her food really is. My mom came despite how awkward she may have felt. She's alone now, and feels....not so superior to my dad and his wife. I think she feels a bit out of place in a way. But I am proud of her for going. That was a huge thing for her and I am very proud that she did it. I made it so that I wouldn't be responsible for driving home, so she had to have only a beer or two and had to drive herself home. She had no problem with this. Which I am also very impressed by..

My dad seems to really feel for me I think. I hate pity. But I think he's really feeling sorry for me at this point. They can sense my... unhappiness I guess you can all call it.. and want to be able to fix things for me. But my dad has never really been able to fix anything for me before. I am not saying that he is a bad father...he just wasn't there enough to even really know much about any of our problems until months after. But tonight, he felt for me. Him and Shelley went for a calm walk in the rain alone tonight. And I got cousin A to drive me home. He just phoned saying he missed out on saying goodbye. He is going to show up at the house before I have to go to work tomorrow to say goodbye.

The idea of him leaving really upsets me. It's like .... he's in my life..like always...but it's harder for me to say goodbye. Maybe that's why I left so suddenly..so that I wouldn't have to say goodbye this time. I mean I am used to having to say see ya to him.. It's just going to be a really long time before I get to see him again. They are my support system and he's leaving. God, everybody leaves in my life. I don't want pity..but this is so hard. Part of me is used to my dad not being around... But I always had Rudi. Now that Rudi is gone...my dad is all I have. The very idea of him leaving to go back to Alberta is freaking me out. I feel scared that he's going. I don't want to be left here to fend for myself. They both gave me great advice to live by when it came to mom and life in general. But now that I have them on my side...knowing and understanding what I am going through.. I'm almost desperate for them not to leave me.

I wish I could say ..."Don't abandon me again Dad. I don't want you to go. I'm scared and I don't know what to do..." But I can't. I have to be strong and I need to let him go without a fight... Even if I don't want to ...

Suddenly I think I am putting all of my hopes and dreams on this man that disappointed all of us..once before. That's a lot of .... shit for one to carry. And the guy doesn't even realize that he's carrying it. It's like I'm asking him to fail...expecting him to???

Tomorrow he is leaving... and of course I will see him again. I am just allowing my feelings to stand out for once. The death... the move... everything seems to be pouring out of me all at once. Apparently that's how it works with me. I wonder when all of this will subside...and life will begin to feel normal again..?

Life will never be the same and I have to accept that, even though I thought I already did. It's just harder at times to accept the inevitable.. I can just hear my Aunty Bobbi sayin'...

"Baby girl this is it... and you can't change it.. you're just gonna have to accept it and get on with it..."

So here I am.. accepting and getting on with it.. life..

Going Solo

This morning I woke up to not having to work. Ahh, I love it. But of course I was left with what I could accomplish today.

I decided that a nice breakfast would do just the trick. In Errington there is one store that consists of a poste office, convenient/liquor store and a little diner. So I went there to see if breakfast was still on. And yes it was.

My mom didn't want to join me. She doesn't like to eat breakfast. She's kind of picky. She doesn't eat breakfast food, or milk ever. So, I went on my own.

I found a small table with two chairs in the corner and sat contently by myself. I surprised myself when I said yes to coffee? Where did that come from? Apparently I like coffee now. Why not, right. I read my book that is called, " Love Warps the Mind a Little." No shit, to that title. But as I read by myself.. and my breakfast came. I sat there thinking, this is what it's like to be alone.

I was sitting at a table for one, with my book as my company. There was one other couple in the restaurant. The funny thing about them was that they didn't even speak to eachother. They too read ignoring the other's company. Strange, but whatever. I heard the lady say, " Are you paying then?" Haha, good one just assume lady, they always fall for that one. I wasn't upset by being on my own, not having said anything more than, "thank you, no thank you and yes please." I knew as soon as I entered the establishment that I'd be paying for my own meal and I knew that I wouldn't be saying too much... I was content though. That was the beautiful thing.

I thought to myself, normally I would've been sitting here with Paul. He would've loved it there. He's in my thoughts regularly. My walks along the ocean are so peaceful and calming. But those are the times when I think of him the very most. I think that he is missing out on such a new, refreshing kind of life. But I know that he's content at his own life as well. He was never one to venture off on his own. I knew that, I always did.

I just kept thinking in that quaint little diner, that this is how life is. We're alone, on our own most of our life anyways. We were born alone, went to our first day of school alone... we do most things on our own. We are our own companion that we know will never go away. So I sit here thinking, being on my own isn't so bad. It's virtuous being on my own. I learn more, I feel more... I am more intune with my spirit.

It's peculiar how one or more relationships of say.... six years altogether, can make a person feel lonely when they're single. Yet, the fourteen years before that of being on my own is somewhat forgotten??

Love warps the mind a little... Amen.

Genuine Daughter

How can someone read me so wrong?

I am so sick and tired of today. First of all I get to work and my boss is like, "you're late..don't let that happen again." I ask him what time it is and he's like, "7:33" I was three minutes late. THREE. Then after that it was even worse. He was picking at everything that I was doing. I am told that when I'm on the till I am supposed to ask him to get my special coffee orders. So I do and then I thank him and he's like; " I'm not even supposed to be here you know.. You and Annette should be doing that on your own, hey." How the hell was I supposed to know that??? Anyway he finally left for Nanaimo and then Andrea comes in.. Watch out because something pissed her off and she's in a stink of a mood ALL day. Ughh, I was just so happy to get the hell out of there. Plus it's my weekend.. I have two days off now. Thank goodness..

I told Afguy that I was going to have a day where I appreciated life and whatnot after seeing the pictures on his blog... But I failed. I am stuck with these feelings of feeling sorry for myself...being completely and utterly misunderstood by my mom...and desperate to get her to get it.

We get in another arguement today. Already. She says that my grannie thought that I didn't want her here at our house yesterday. What?? I love my grannie more than anything and the very fact that she thinks that I wouldn't want her here troubles me. Okay so I wasn't talkative because I was busy online posting my blog. It's what I do. I write. She knows that. So I say, "Oh that was stupid of her to think that... I love her and she should know that. " My mom gets all upset and says that already I am starting to disrespect Grannie now too.. WHAT? Where the hell did that come from??? I love Grannie like I've mentioned before. I would never disrespect her. Never.

So here's my thought... I think that I have lost a lot of respect for my mom because of her problem. And she has every right to be handling things roughly considering she lost her husband. But, I am starting to resent her like I mentioned before and with that, I lost some respect for her. So yes I may need a swift kick in the ass because she is my mother and will never stop being my mom.

Okay so if anyone is in an arguement...and the other person is drunk while in the fight.... don't we always feel like we are automatically more right in a sense, because we are sober...?? I don't know I have this way about me that whenever we argue when she's been drinking I feel like she doesn't even know what she's talking about.. In some cases, most cases honestly, she is just really defensive. She defends the drinking even though later sober, she knows that it is a problem.

I feel sorry for her, but I have lost respect and that is so wrong and I realize that. It's just hard to look past the glossy eyes some nights, or the slurred words, or even the scent of beer on her.. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. I just hate the drinking so much.

I am not a bad kid. I feel like she thinks that I am this horrible child. I have no respect for her and I use her to my fullest extent. I would never do the things that come out of her mouth. She is just really on my case about being this person that she thinks I am... that I know I am not.

How do I make her see the real me?

Prom With Best Bud Dan

Purple Hair Nightmare

The Glory Days And The Ones That Follow...

Ahh, prom yes I remember prom. It seems like such a long time ago and really it hasn't been more than two years since. I remember how important that day was to me.... Man do we ever get caught up in high school dramatics and BS. I can not believe how much I cared. It almost makes me sick. I feel like I changed so much since this picture was taken. Okay, okay so a few pounds have been gained since that day as well. But I'm talking more like....mentally I've grown....oh so much.

The things that were a matter of importance to me then are nothing compared to what is important to me now. Is that pink purse the same pink as the pink in my dress? OR How can I find a way to get my mom to understand how much I care about her, without her pulling the "mom card?" Many of my bloggees are moms I realize. But pulling the mom card is the worst.

Since my mom and I moved here we are more like room mates. People have to understand this. I hate to talk about her so openly on this..but her drinking is beginning to become something I resent. I need her to understand how much it bothers me, and not only because I just dislike it, but because it's hurting her too. But she thinks I am being disrespectful because I am the daughter and she is the mother. So she says how rude I am .... completely ignoring what I have said.. This morning, she said that I could live elsewhere????? Where am I supposed to go? I sorta left the only life I've ever known to be here and restart our lives here. It's things like that...that seem so much more important for me to think about rather than...Ohhhh I hope I am seated next to my friends at prom for dinner..

Life changes..priorities SO TOTALLY change. And people also change with that as well..My graduation picture is funny because my hair is a red...auborne colour. Give me the chance to do that over and I'd have more of a natural colour. I looked different and that was only a couple of years ago. I can't imagine what some of my other blogees looked like in their photos....

Which brings me to my request... Since I participated in my list of 100.... I think that the ladies that did that should do this.... Post either their grad or prom pics on their blogs. Then write about how much you think you've changed. I would LOVE to see what you all looked like when you all graduated. hehe.... Let me know what you think of that idea ladies..and gents, but AFGUY is probably much much too busy to reminisce about his glory days I'm sure..haha.

Things change and that's the point of my blog today. I feel like I've grown so much in a couple of years and I can't even imagine how much more I will grow after more years to come. I just think everyone should enjoy these years no matter where you are in your lives..babies, family.. lovers... university... new homes.. and for me my partying days without much responsibility.

Life is to be lived and learnt from...answer me this...what has everyone learned in their years??

Part 1 - Of I Don't Know

Mom said this morning, " I don't know what I'm doing I'm just trying to make things right." She was talking about the bills. But as she said this, I realized that that is exactly what I am trying to do.

I don't know what I'm doing either and all I want is to do what is right. I wonder if I'm even coming close to this desire. I phoned my friend late... too late last night. Once the alcohol's in me, there's no room for being considerate I guess. He had to get up early to go to work.

So yes this is how bad my life is getting... I went out last night with three other people. All three of them had to get up early for some reason or another. I was drinking, they were not. So really I got hammered and no one else did. Hmm, what does that mean? I just like to have fun and I am feel like drinking enhances my chances of having fun. I danced to the live band, named Baby Jane I believe. My friend told me the lead singer had a great voice. Once he left she really belted out the lyrics. I wanted to phone him then and let him know he was right...she was good.

As soon as my friend left I wanted to leave. Funny how that works out. My friends asked me what happened to me... Why was I so quiet all of a sudden. I mean I wasn't quiet all night.. I was quite the opposite really. So as we drove on the island highway they asked me what was wrong.. I really didn't know how to answer that. I wanted him there? I wished he hadn't left?

I don't know AGAIN. I don't fuckin' know and this is what is going to be the end of me really. Not knowing!! AHHHH.

I have to go to work.. to be continued..

Part 2 - Of Still Not Knowing

Haha, man some of that doesn't make much sense. I think it is because I was up early trying to get my thoughts out in a short period of time. So I had quite a few facts muddled. Must have been because I recieved this information when I had been drinking. Oh well.

I feel a bit silly having phoned so late last night. When I think back on it I wish I had more self control. Though I did pre warn the poor guy that I tend to phone when I'm drunk. Hehe. Don't be my friend, I'll be calling you all hours of the night.

I don't know what it is about me really. My thoughts all run together. Things seem important one minute and not so much the next. I wish that I could just have no confusion right now. Especially when it's someone else's feelings on the line. When it's my feelings I tend to be a bit careless. But once there is another person involved in my reckless days and nights I have to stop and think about what I might be doing... and that is....

Good guess...I don't know.

I know that I need to find out what I want soon. But really, there aren't rules to this kind of stuff. I am in charge of my own life. I am just going to continue to do what I feel is right. And that's that. And by the way, not knowing will be the end of me comment in part 1 ... well I didn't mean that literal to those of you that don't know me as well as others. I am just saying...that it's going to creep up and bite me in the ass one day.

And then maybe I'll know... just like that. I mean, isn't that the way it should be ??

I've Been Tagged

I was never good at playing tag..but here goes..

The list of 100 things about little Miss Haley Parenteau:

(As requested by Erin, a new blog friend...if I knew how to do links I would have a link to her blog, but I do not..)

1. I am in love with my blog.
2. I read it over and over again.
3. My middle name is Shea.
4. I love music now.
5. I find I can get lost in it.
6. I hate the bad in the world that never goes away.
7. Today is six months since my dad died.
8. I hate that he is gone.
9. I was not planned..ooops.
10. I was a sad attempt at making the marriage work.
11. My parents were divorced when I was 2 and a half.
12. Using the phrase, "mom and dad" in the same sentence feels weird to say.
13. I wonder if people will read this entire list...?
14. I quit kindergarden.
15. I remember watching "the price is right" thinking, this is much better than kindergarden!!
16. I'm older than all of my friends, at least when I was in highschool.
17. I stood out from all of my friends in one way or another.
18. I keep in touch with one of them over the phone.
19. A lot of my friends read my blog and I didn't know that.
20. I am proud that people read this.
21. I love that Erin and Holli put my blog on their blogs.
22. Made me feel really great.
23. I need to write...for the rest of my life.
24. I need to have babies one day.
25. If I can't I don't know what I'd do.
26. I worry about that a lot..if I can't have babies..just because I want them so badly.
27. When people sing really fantastically I get goosebumps all over my body.
28. I lost my virginity when I was 16.
29. To my first boyfriend, Kirk.
30. It wasn't as important as I thought it was.
31. 16 is too young to lose it...but I didn't know that at the time..haha
32. I wouldn't have done it any other way, though.
33. Now at least I know what I'm doing, haha.
34. Kirk was very bad for me.
35. He tried to kill himself when I broke up with him.
36. He got his sister to beat me up infront of a huge highschool party.
37. The fight was pretty intense..
38. We are both friends now..his sister and I.
39. We laugh about it now. phew.
40. I don't know Kirk anymore.
41. Apparently he's in rehab.
42. I used to think he jaded me.
43. He did...but now I'm okay.
44. I have a tatoo.
45. Of my dad's name on my back.
46. My co-workers asked about it yesterday.
47. I love watching hockey at a pub.
48. I love being with friends away from Errington.
49. I plan on singing, "love and marriage" at the next karaoke get together...gutsy..
50. I miss my sister.
51. We're very close.
52. I miss my brother.
53. We used to fight lots when we were little.
54. Now he respects me more than I do.
55. I haven't spoken to him in almost a month.
56. I was born in 1985.
57. In my mind I think I am older..
58. But I know in five years even I will laugh at myself.
59. I have a lot of experience for a 20 year old.
60. I feel like I need a good break from drama.
61. I know this will not happen.
62. I hate war.
63. I hate that people have to go and fight.
64. The idea frightens the hell out of me.
65. My real dad lives in Drayton Valley, Alberta.
66. That's where I was born.
67. I am the only kid that mantained a healthy relationship with him.
68. I know him and his family the very best out of my family.
69. I love that.
70. My step sister is going to be 16. (the year i lost virginity...eeek)
71. She wants a fake id already.
72. I feel old when I think...."you're only sixteen little one.."
73. The world changes so much and I am beginning to feel out of "the loop".
74. The song "Won't Back Down" tom petty is apparently "my song" says my sister.
75. The song was playing when she told me...and I cried.
76. I hate being dumped.
77. I wish I could get over people quicker.
78. I wish he missed me.
79. I wish for mom to find someone again..later.
80. I hope that I get my life figured out within this year so that I can move out.
81. I live with my mom and her two dogs. (loser)
82. I haven't payed rent yet since we moved here. (loser)
83. I don't really think I'm a loser.
84. I love Staples... Stationary, pens..paper..watch out!
85. I need a car.
86. I am ashamed to admit that I love the show, "Coronation Street."
87. So does my mom.
88. I am a total Wineo.
89. It's my weakness...pink poison.
90. I love it when I make people laugh.
91. And all the attention that comes with it.
92. That's how I get my attention..is by being funny.
93. I am pretty funny.
94. I snort when I laugh.
95. I fart when I please.
96. I know that that was gross..but hey, I'm kind of like that..Don't Care What People Think...well once I know them a little..
97. I wish I could play the guitar.
98. I hope I have fun tonight.
99. I love 90's music...cranberries, alanis morisette, lisa loeb...
100. I want to get married barefoot..

"All The Small Things"

I am at a loss for words. Nothing happened that has made me this way, really. I just wanted to write. I always want to write. There's something within me, a voice that wills me to come onto my blog and let the words flow through my fingertips. One thing I hate is when I have nothing to really share... besides the little things, in my head. Then again sometimes these little things are the most important.

Ahh yes, the little things. Aren't these small details the very walls of any kind of friendship, relationship..? I came to realize, with some help and guidance, that these little details really do matter. Who are we if we don't have small quirks or goofy tendencies? Not existent.. that's what. When two people get to know one another, they learn these little things with time, with conversation and experience. Aren't the little things what we fall in love with? I can think of plenty of traits in a lot of my friends that make me shake my head, or laugh my ass off over..
These quirks are what shape us as human beings. If there is anything that I am looking for in another person it is what makes him individual...stand out from the others.

Even my boyfriends in my past have had some very interesting tendencies...things that made them great in their own ways. Things that still to this day make me laugh about, despite how much I may not care for them now.

Kirk, the first boyfriend, my first love made me laugh because he was such a retard. He used to do some of the most bizarre things to make me laugh. He had this crazy noise he'd make when he'd change his gears in his truck. Sounds simple and stupid and that's pretty much what it was. He was funny, but a failure. I'm not necessarily saying that he's a failure, but we were.

Tyler, the second boyfriend I didn't think the world of. I just dated him because it was time for me to move on and venture onto different things. He was a lot of fun. I was more like one of the guys when I hung out with him and his friends. I liked that he included me. He was proud of me. His quirks were more annoying to me, which is a clear indication that I didn't deserve him and still don't. Second failure, I knew it was going to happen half way through the relationship.

Then there was three. Paul. He did have some great qualities too. He still has them, just not with me. He used to flirt with old ladies. Now that sounds creepy but he'd flatter them and they'd love him for it. He'd make their day. For some reason it is tough for me to remember his funny quirks. Ahh, yes I may have blocked the good ones for the time being. It's how I heal. The wall is up and it isn't coming down for a while. Third failure, that was the opposite of the second.

I have a few quirks up my sleeve..... I snort when I laugh..and when I laugh I mean cackle, like a witch. That's hot. I do regular spider checks before I have a shower... each corner of the bathroom: 1 wall, 2 wall, 3 wall...4...nope. Spider check..check! I wasn't aware of that one really, until it was brought to my attention. You know who you are! And yes, I am thinking about you right now. And most likely when you read this, I'll be thinking of you then too.

Right, no one will understand that..but that's okay.

What I am trying to say is... I don't know. I just felt like writing..sharing my thoughts. I love knowing that people read my writing. That there are people in this world that care about what I have to say..and that they're somewhat interested. As I write, people are reading.. And that's all I've ever wanted.

Getting through to people with my own thoughts through my own words is probably the best gift I have ever been given...

An Irish Time Had By All

I went to Victoria yesterday to visit my sister. Well I had made a plan with an old friend to go to Victoria at the same time that he planned on going. This way we could both stay at Kyli and Joe's apartment and get wasted all together. We mastered a plan and it actually worked out. I love it when plans that took good thought to think of, work.

I had two days off of work and I didn't want to waste them. I bought a 1.5 Litre of my favourite Blush Wine and the night began as soon as the cork was unscrewed. Oh and what a fine night it was. We walked or let's say, stumbled to the new pub, Irish Times. The times were Irish and so were we. Well at least Kyli and I are..hehe. We drank cider until our stomachs told us to stop. I don't know how we started on the cider. Kyli just assured me that this drink was very tastey, kind of like a sparkling white wine. Wine, is the key word there. I was sold instantly.

The band was energetic and full of spirit. The bass, the guitar and the mandalin played for a couple of hours, and we danced... and clapped and cheered to our leisure. I really enjoy a good night out like that. Sitting around a table with entertainment such as music to get involved with, or the option of sitting there talking as the music played on...or getting up and dancing our little hearts out to the lyrics of old songs, and the melodies of the instruments. As we sat out on the patio as the smoker's puffed, we were approached by two bums. The first asked for money and we both smiled shaking our heads no. The second had a beautiful armful of roses. He asked for any donation, and we again shook our heads no. He must have sensed my love for the beautiful flower and said that I could have one on the house. Hehe. I returned to our table telling the boys that I got a rose from a bum. When does a bum ever give anyone anything for free? Really? I think that I had a reason to be so excited. These things don't happen everyday.

As the band began to wrap up the evening, we began to realise that home was the next stop. We returned to the apartment and I changed into Joe's t-shirt. Which I am proud to say I stained with rum and coke, pink poison (my blush wine) and pizza. Hehe. Eric and I continued to drink and eat...and spill. There was a lot of laughter shared and a friendship was renewed. I was pleased with the outcome of the evening and quite pleased with my one night out in Vic.

Fun times at Irish Times.

You're Running Through My Thoughts Today

Ahh, yes I remember you. You are the man that raised me from a wee one and treated all of us kiddies like your very own. You loved us and took care of all of us without any question. I haven't forgotten about you, I just avoid the idea of your absense. Lieing to myself...maybe a little. I wish you were here everyday, for mom. She gets so sad for you and cries more than I'd like to admit. It's normal I know. Even though you're not here...you're here. With all that's going on these days, I've become so understanding. I reason better and I have become more patient. Okay, not more patient with mom and I know I have to work on that. But with other things I have become ... more layed back. I feel like you influence me more now that you're gone. It's like when you passed, a lot of your good went into me and I'm sure all of us. But I can't speak for everyone else.

We had a good bond didn't we? I just never noticed it again, until you left. We had something going on...a great understanding without words, without ever mentioning it. Not once did we speak of how neat our connection was. Others may have. When you went on your blind date with mom and I walked up to you and wanted up. Which has been brought to my attention and yours a few million times that I was a very shy little girl and it took my own grannie days before I'd let her hold me. So interesting. It's like I knew you were the one for my mommy. I knew you were the real thing. You made her so happy. No one could love you more than mom. The thing that sucks now is that no one will ever love her as much as you did. I want her to have someone one day. It's much too soon now. But I don't want her to be alone. I know you don't either.

I miss you. I don't want to forget you but sometimes I do. I want to pretend like you never happened just so that I don't have to deal with the loss. I was never close to you and I hate that. I don't really know why. Ahh, maybe it was the whole connection thing again. Maybe my senses told me to stay away from you because you weren't going to be here for very long. Stupid senses. I wish I had known, but that's silly to wish for that. Why would I wish to know how many years we had you for. It would've really messed with .... everything. Nope, things happened for a reason. I hate that you're gone. But I do have to say, I love where we live now.

You'd love it here Rudi. You were so there that day when mom was standing in the ocean crying huh. I know you were there. That's why she was so upset because she knew you were there too. She has a hard time talking about that kind of stuff. She prefers to talk about you when you were sick or when you were just.... you, living. I like to think of you having lots of fun and feeling badly for us because we're missing out on all of your fun. I'd like to think that what beauties we see here are nothing compared to what you experience. I'd like to think that this isn't as good as it's going to get and that there are glorious, breath taking, refreshing journies ahead for all of us.

The unknown is very scary. But that's the beauty of life. Not knowing what's going to happen next. Wondering. Wondering is such an interesting concept. I wonder when I'll see you, if I'll see you... I wonder where you are and I wonder if you're sitting on the couch behind me right now and I just can't see you. Wonder, wonder, wonder. I live life to wonder and to find out...

Wish you were here, and then again... I'm happy for you because I know that you're doing well where you are. It's that whole connection thing again. I will think of you always as my dad. My REAL dad as I used to call him. You're my real dad and you always have been. You've been there and I know you're still here. I can feel your presence. Thanks for helping me out these last few days. This last month...

I know you're there and I love you...

.

Home Is Where I Shine The Best

Another work day under my belt. I am feeling great these last couple of days. I only worked five and a half hours but I worked up a mighty good sweat. I feel so positively about my new job. I am washing off tables outside on the patio and I can't help but remind myself that this is my new life. I live here. The ocean is four minutes away... less even from where I work. The trees are so diverse from what I am used to. The people here are very friendly and I can't help but smile everywhere that I go. I am mainly talking about Qualicum. Errington where I live, is very spread apart, neighbour wise. The only thing to Errington is a school, gas station and a movie store. That's about it. Home is Parksville/Qualicum/Errington/Coombs. Four towns all wrapped up into one big home for me. Everyone that visits here always comment on how lucky "we" (as in the islanders) are to live here. I don't think I consider myself a true islander until I live here for at least a year. But in my heart, as lame as this may sound I have always belonged here. I feel so much more at home here than I did in Hinton.

Hinton makes me feel uncomfortable. Too many bad memories, many good of course. But I wouldn't go back for anything, not to mention ANYONE as well. I feel like things are finally coming together. I need a few more friends and I will be just set. A vehicle is in need as well, but other than that I am a very content girl.

My spirits are so high and maybe it's because I finally have something to be happy about. Things happen for a reason and I can not stress that enough. No matter how tragic the ordeal was before... or how disappointing the relationship ended... these things really did have to work out this way. In the end, whoever is in charge knows what HE or SHE or WHOEVER is doing. And I know that I could get a bundle of angry comments that do not agree with me. But I know about the shitty stuff and I have lived through some bad things so I feel like I have a right to say how I personally feel. My dad dieing lead to mom and I moving out to the Island. Paul broke up with me because he didn't want to make the commitement and may I mention he broke up with me a little too late.... (HE STILL HAS TO COME AND GET HIS STUFF OUT OF MY HOUSE) Who knows, we would probably still be together living in Hinton if Rudi hadn't passed. Mom would be a lot happier, but her independence wouldn't be there...as well as her back pain would be unbearable like it had been from years before. (Her back strengthened when Rudi was sick because she had to ignore it and deal with Rudi's slow passing..)

I am telling you people things happen for a reason and they help us become strong, empowering individuals.

So here I sit smelling the mouth watering aromas of a home cooked meal and I feel more complete with each day that passes here ... in my home... where I belong.

Life On The Island

As much as I hate to admit it; work is the answer. Living somewhere new is really a different experience. It's tough not knowing people and having to put yourself out there in order to make new friends. But once a job is in the scene, it is a lot easier. My problem before was that I wanted to work where I wouldn't have to deal with any people. But this was the very opposite of what I really need here. I need to work with and around people. Not only did I work with ummm... older people. I mean no offence when I write that.. It's just that I am twenty and I worked with woman that had children older than me, even grand children older than me. So here I am working with people more my own age.

The ladies I have worked with so far are so great. They are all so outgoing and they all seem like a lot of fun. The young lady I worked with today was so helpful and kind to me. She was helping me out by showing me how she likes to do things, to make it easier for me. The other lady who is a bit older was making me do more over in the "special coffee" area. I think we made a latte today. Yuck. Those things are nasty. I didn't realize that a latte' is steamed milk....foam! And just a little bit of very strong shit at the bottom. WOW. No offense to latte' drinkers but man, why? Why not just eat the coffee grounds in a glass of milk.. Haha, I went off on the latte's sorry.

There is a lot for me to learn yet. Yesterday I helped make food, today I did more of working the cash register and tomorrow....is breakfast. Eeek. Some people are off in college, going to their orientation tomorrow. I'm worried about how to make breakfast for the majority of senior citizens. Looks like my path is going to be a rough one.. haha. That's depressing. But I'm not going to focus on the negative. If I did that all my life, I'd be a very unhappy person. I try to be as positive as I can.

That's the beauty of moving. I have no expectations... If I'm acting more outgoing, or eating properly, instead of everything in sight... people don't notice. They just assume that that's me. And you know what, it is me. The new, improved Haley. I am trying very hard to do things that take me out of my "comfort zone." People would be surprised what it takes to remove me from my comfort zone. Hmm, singing karaoke is waaay the hell out of my comfort zone...or going for a ride with a young man, I met a few weeks ago on his street bike is very out of my comfort zone. I am trying to be more fun...having more fun. I need to experience 'the life'. Not my life I experienced back in Alberta, but my new and improved FUN FUN FUN life on the island. Island Life I'll call it. Haley's Island Life.

So until further notice....I'll be living the Island Life.

Sing,Dance,Work,Celebrate!!

Today has been a great day! I just got myself a new job in Qualicum Beach. I am now working at Bailey's In the Village. I will be serving 28 flavours of ice cream, along with all kinds of desserts, quiche, home made soup, sandwiches and breakfast. It's the kind of place I am always looking out for. A great lunch spot.

This morning I went and dropped off my resume and met the manager. He told me to return at a later date to have a "chat" and a coffee. Well, it went well. He's so straight forward and lets me know exactly what I am getting myself into. No matter what I am going to give this job a real chance. The pay is satisfactory, less than what I was making at the hotel in Hinton, but I can't have it all. He said he wasn't paying me, but paying my energy and how much of it I have. I have so much energy he's going to be quite surprised. All that is going on in my life, I am just going to give my job one hundred percent. I have nothing else to focus my attention on, so why not!?

I am not sure if people will think that I am insane. But when I am feeling down and out, I shuffle up my "Healing with the Angels, Oracle Cards" and I confide in the spiritual world. As crazy as it sounds, it is extremely comforting. Since my dad died, I feel like I am closer to him when I am shuffeling through the cards. I get direct answers to my problems. Yesterday, I shuffled and I was talking to Rudi in my mind...and I got the "Guardian Angel" card. It let me know that that special someone is always here for me, and has always been and will never leave me. I cried. I was so happy to know that he really is here, watching out for me. Giving the good lord, or whomever a good word for me. It really is a comforting thought knowing that there will be someone waiting for me when I get to wherever it is that I go..

I just feel so positive about this new job. It's like a ton of bricks has been lifted off of my shoulders and I can finally breathe...and even see the bigger picture. It's not going to be that bad of a picture after all. Tomorrow I invited Mom's parents over for a celebration dinner.. FOR ME and my new job!

The job itself is just a job..nothing special. But the idea that I have this new job..means I am truly beginning.... a new life, a new start.

Lately it feels like I'm in a board game. Roll a 6...right when you think you're ahead...you get THAT card.. Lose a turn and return back to START...

New Horizons Ahead

Well, well, well...

Last night I received a phone call that I happened to miss and I didn't phone this person back. Amazing, yes. Why, I'm not really sure. Maybe I am slowly beginning to get over him. Maybe this is a good thing. It helps me to reinvent myself moreso than I already have. To seek independence, or is it because I will meet someone much more suited to fit the position of loving boyfriend. Who knows... I sure don't know anything yet. I am capable of being .. just being, without a man. I have to believe that I don't need a guy to be happy in life. Yet at the same time, those damn chick flicks come on and every girl no matter how happy they may seem to be, wants a guy.

So I sit here in my chair, looking out at the trees around my home and I think, who is the right one for me? The big question of course is, who is he..but more importantly where is he and when do I get to meet him? Sex and the City is a great tv show, yet at the same time I don't want to be in my late thirties when I meet the right one. I guess that's the trouble with being the youngest child, I always wanted to be older than I am. And I must still want to be older. Twenty is the prime age to be, when all the guys seem to be interested and the head turning feels so good. But, it's really not enough. Yesterday at the beach, I was laying out in my bikini and a group of guys came and sat by me and looked and what not. (I won't get into details because I don't want to seem shallow, but you get the picture.) Yes, it felt great knowing that maybe two out of the six were gorgeous and may have been interested in me. But really it was such an empty feeling leaving and knowing that , "woopee they checked me out...now what?" It felt a hell of a lot better to have a great conversation with another guy that I met about his family and about what we were interested in and what not. I guess what I'm trying to say is... getting checked out all of my life, is an empty life, but meeting that great, one person means so much more.

I don't need a man to get through my life...yet I want the right one to come along eventually. Married people at times I am sure tend to envy the single life of others. Instead I envy those happy faces I see in the newspaper announcing their union. I look at them and I can't wait until I see my face in a local unimportant newspaper, beside the S.P.C.A's Pet of the Month. Call me a romantic, but I think that this is why I am here. I am going to find that special one, and then I am going to create a beautiful, unique family to continue on into this world.

I enjoy so much that I am not sulking over the break up. I am not wallowing in self pity but getting on with my life. Time does not stop, relationships do, jobs end, people die... but the world keeps on living and the time goes on. So why not go on, like time. That's what this test... all the crap that has happened in my life.. is all about. I keep going... I get on with it... I go on like time.

Face It

This is home. The house itself feels homey. Yet everything else does not. Makes sense, everything in the house is ours and part of our life before. The idea that this is just a holiday won't escape me.

I miss being able to phone one of my friends and even organize a get together. It seems that I can't do this yet. I just don't know enough people yet. I have to wait on my cousin Alex, and that's not fair to her. I wait for her call all day, wondering if she has anything interesting to do. Wait until the summer is over, and the visiting slows down. Then what will I do? I miss my friends. Even though I didn't think I would as much. I do. I miss having friends. These simple concepts never hit a person until he is faced without them. I miss him. I hate that I miss him. I wish that I could forget all about him and move on. In a sense, I have. In another, who am I trying to fool? I may be able to fool everyone else, but not myself. No more lieing to myself. I vowed to stop doing that a couple of years ago. I look forward to those nights that Alex asks me to go out and party with her. It's sad really. One night out makes me so happy. As long as I anticipated the evening, that is how quickly it goes by. And now, I wait for more to come...

Someone invited me out today, and like a fool I left it up to Alex to make the plan. I'm not saying she's not good at it. She's wonderful and always includes me. She's the reason why I am not still laying in bed crying about my rescent circumstances. But I should've offered out my number so that maybe I could make my own plan. Then again, I never would've went without Alex. She's so great with people. I am so shy and reserved at times. People must think I'm snobby or something. But really, I am so freaked out about making sure I say something, that I spend half the time evaluating what I should say...and I come off uppety. (I am sure that's not the correct spelling..but what of it..)

So I sit here trying to remember last night and if I made the right impressions to people. I think I came off fun, and a little bit of a lush. The drinks kept coming because I was nervous. Oh well, I had fun. My cousin is going through a break up that isn't going so well. They can't stop seeing each other and phoning, yet when they do...it never ends well. I feel for them and hope that it comes to an end soon for both of their sakes. The nights never end well for them and well.. that's not the way to live. But I went through it too a few years back so I can understand.

Again, things happen for a reason. There's a reason why I am here. A reason why the love of my days and nights abandoned me for his own, seperate life... Why my cousin's relationship held on as long as it has...and is now beginning to fall apart.. Because we've always been as close as sisters, twin sisters even... We're going to be here for each other. That's a comforting thought for me. And I hope a comforting thought for her as well. We're good together and we make each other think of positive things, different outlooks, better days ahead.

In the end, summing up my situation ... things have to be this way. My life wasn't meant to go in the other direction. If that boy that used to be completely in love with me, even came back ... I honestly don't think I'd take him back now at this point. It's been... nearly two weeks since the day he broke it off. Over two weeks since we'd held each other, saying goodbye for what I thought would be a few weeks... I know that us ending happened for a reason and I don't think I'm going to mess with that. It was his decision... a rash decision ... made without me completely.. But, maybe just maybe... it was the right one for the time, for what lies ahead for the both of us.

Ending us makes for bittersweet beginnings...

Catch Up

The Move.

It happened. We moved, mom and I. Wow, I haven't been able to write and there is so much to write about.

The Accident.

Paul and I decided out of nowhere to take his beautiful new, shiny truck to Grand Prairie to visit his family. There was a family reunion and I met his entire family; from a loud great aunt that thought she was Celine Dion herself...which isn't saying much.. from his hippy spirited aunt to his baked, hick cousin. They were wonderful people so welcoming and kind giving hugs and kisses like they were going out of style. The visit was a success. We said our hellos and goodbyes about a few different times. On the road again, and happy as hell to have caught up with the family. Now we were ready for our move. Paul was feeling fufilled with love and attention from his hometown and all that went with it.. I was feeling relieved that he was able to see his family before we set off on our new life together.

Then about thirty minutes out of Hinton, something happened as I put my head down, and we were out of control, skidding into oncoming traffic (which thankfully wasn't there) and into the ditch. For a moment, I thought, maybe we won't roll but just as quickly as the thought entered my mind, we had rolled twice. My face hit his middle console as we thankfully landed on all four tires. We were okay, a little shook up and for the four day old truck, not so lucky. We sat on the side of the road with a couple of angels that had taken charge and phoned 911. The details seem so irrelevant now. In the end, I realised that life is too short. We could've died and I had never felt so closely to Paul as I did at that moment. I knew, I wanted to marry him. With all that we had been through, we could do anything. My insecurities about the move were gone. We were going to be able to do this.

That night we cuddled until the backs of our knees sweat. We were close and in love and ready for the move. Unfortunately I had to make the decision between staying with Paul in Hinton until the truck was ready or written off or whatever he had to do now because of the accident. Or go ahead with mom and help her settle in and unpack. Of course through tears and head ache I decided to go ahead with mom. Our last night in Hinton was at the hotel and we went into the hot tub and relaxed. We went to the hotel and pigged out on junk food like we always did. It was a night for us. And we went to sleep and barely cuddled. Damn it we didn't even cuddle we were so tired.

The End.

The ride to B.C had been hot and I was in the back seat with the drooling, panting pups. I kept order in the back seat, making sure they kept to their beds and didn't cramp my style by making me drool as badly from heat as they were. The first night in Langley Paul called just to hear my voice before he went to bed. Such a sweetie. Then, the first day at the new house I phoned and the next day I phoned again. But after... the phone calls weren't being returned, so I stopped. He phoned and with that call came the end of everything I thought would be.

He ended us. Just like that. "I'm not coming. I can't." That was it. It's over.

So now I sit here wondering what the future holds for me. Why did this have to happen to me? Why now? What is the reason for me living here on my own, without him. Maybe it's because I couldn't imagine doing this without him. Maybe somewhere someone was shaking his head thinking, 'that girl has it coming to her'. Boy did I ever.

We spoke yesterday. I miss him. But he sounds different, almost distracted. I think that's how it will always be from now on. No matter how well we get along after this, every time I phone or he phones me .... he'll sound not all there. Because with him, when we were dating, I was his everything. Now I'm just Haley. I am the one that he used to love..or still loves and got away. The girl he let go. The one that he didn't want to fight for. The one that he couldn't follow.

This hurts. There are many things in this life that hurt. But heartbreak is a big one. It's one that so many people learn from or don't. From each of my break ups, I have learned a life time of lessons. Maybe I 'm lucky. This experience is not something a lot of people live through. I have a lot under my belt. Lots of experience. What's experience without love?

Nahh, I'll find love. Lose the dramatics Haley. Just obviously not now.. I have a small hope in my stomach, in the back of my mind, in the darkest corner of my heart that we will be. If we were meant to be, we'll be. If the universe wants us together, we will get another chance. The timing is off. We still love eachother, maybe my love is a bit stronger, but his love is still there. I can hear it in his voice. His voice isn't empty. Just a bit distracted. I wonder what that distraction is, that is keeping him there and not here.

If we're meant to be, we'll be...



And if we're not .... shit.

Eight Fingers

This is round two for trying to write this blog. I finished a perfect post and it got lost and deleted...so I hope that I can do this one as good..

There's a constant pounding since last night going on in my head. I don't know if it's a real headache or if it's just the stress of life causing it. It's like there's a mini version of myself in there pounding the walls of my head...screaming and yelling much like I feel like doing. Have a temper tantrum. Freak out and cry just because things aren't going my way. Things haven't been going my way for quite some time, so really I wouldn't go about doing that. There's just so much to deal with. I have the move, the weight of Paul moving because of me, the death, the constant reminders of what needs to be done..day in and day out. I have to get rid of my Mustang and help Paul deal with his stresses of finding a truck in one day.

The fight..
Yes again, another broke out between mom and I. This time I wasn't backing down. It seems silly when simply explained what happened..but once I explain my reasons I'm sure that it won't seem as childish.

When Rudi was sick I went downstairs and found his dart board with three darts in it. Obviously from him weeks prior. Not only were they played and touched by Rudi last, but one was a bullseye. I remember quite clearly the smile on his face, the pride in his eyes when he shot a bullseye. Now it wasn't like it was a rare thing for him to get a bullseye but each time he was genuinely as proud as he was the time before. It was adorable and a memory I hold close to my heart. The day that he died I couldn't part with the idea of taking the darts out and giving them away to my uncle. (who had requested it at the time.) Of course, he respected my wishes and left them alone, much like everyone else. They just understood me and let me for whatever reasons I had, keep the dart board the way that it was. Last night I happened to see the dart board in it's case with the three darts missing. There was three markings to show where they had been. But there was also a pink post-it indicating to the movers, that the new owners of the house were keeping it.

Mom had gone and took the darts out of the board and even posted that it was not to be brought with us to Errington! I understand that mom is under a lot of stress and just wants things done. But that seems to be all that she cares about these days. Getting things done, not anyone's feelings, not the consequences after she throws everything of Rudi's away...

The worst part was that once I told her she didn't care. She didn't say sorry and she seemed to think that I was the one being selfish. Like I was making a big deal out of nothing. I had four months to do it she said. But if it had been her who wanted those darts in that dart board for ten years I would've respected her. I had a connection with that damn board. I wanted to pull the darts out of the board, knowing that it had been thrown by Rudi last. I wanted to talk to him while I did it. I needed that. When I tried to explain it to her...she got angry. The fight got really ugly and once she stormed into the house, I exploded with tears. The tears poured as hard as a rainstorm. I shook so violently that my entire body was tense and my jaw and head ached from crying. She came out later and apologized. But that's not the point. Why had she been like that? Her husband died. No one will understand how she is feeling. But she doesn't understand how I am feeling. She didn't really seem to care last night. That might have been what hurt me the most. The person that she was last night frightens me because it is not my mom. She was never like that. No one has seen this side of her either. It's like I'm in a movie and everyone thinks that I'm the one with all the problems. I'm the one mistreating her. When in this case, I think it is very much the opposite.

Anyways, she did end up apologizing once the smoke cleared. But it really made me wonder who she's becoming? Or am I just overeacting? I know this is hard but she turns so mean and cruel. There's hatred in her eyes and it's seriously killing me to see that.

My last day of work was today.. I thought that I would've been happy but I was really sad. I just keep thinking now that we're running away from our problems. I don't want to stay in Hinton anymore now but I don't want us to be leaving for the wrong reasons. My buddy was telling me, "you're going to miss it here. You can take the girl out of Hinton, but you can't take it away from the girl. It'll always be with you." She's right. I'll cherish Hinton for everything that it represents; home...Rudi.

"Patch Adams" is a great film. In the beginning, there's a man in the mental institution asking everyone how many fingers he is holding up, when he is clearly holding up four. When people tell him that he's in fact holding up four, he gets very discouraged and angry. Later when he is asked how many fingers he sees, he explains that everyone looks at the problem and not what's beyond it. Once the fingers are looked at again, it's completely different. There are eight.

Today on my way home from work, I wasn't looking at the road but beyond it and I saw that part of Hinton in a completely different way. Living here for eighteen years and not once have I ever seen it like that. Instead of seeing four fingers I would've seen eight. To me it was special to see Hinton in that kind of a way. Hinton is a place that I will forever call home.

I will not forget the memories shared with family and friends, the people I've known since I was a little girl new to Hinton.... and the man who brought us here...Rudi.

I will always remember Hinton for Rudi. This place holds a special place in my heart. As long as I have Hinton, I have Rudi. This way I can get over the dart board thing..

Look beyond the picture and see what no one else sees.

Birthday Girls

Birthday Bash

July 16, 1985 I was born into this world. I am two decades old. Wow..that makes me sound pretty decrepit. I woke early and like every other morning, I went straight to my bathroom connected to my bedroom to have a pee. I hear my mom's voice from outside of my window saying "Happy Birthday.. your presents on the table." Well I had only planned to have a quick piddle and get right back to sleeping. But I couldn't resist. So I woke much earlier than I had planned.

I had a hair appointment at 2:00 that I was nearly late for. I had been so busy on my "shopping spree" from Paul at our local skate shop. It had been fun going into the store knowing that I could have whatever I wanted. I did get frustrated because of course, I didn't find things that I fell in love with right away. It always seems to work that way. I wouldn't recommend getting a hair cut and dye on the big day. Most of my time was spent in the hair salon reading gossip mags about celebs. (Not that it wasn't interesting knowing how many pounds Kirstie Ally lost or how Angelina's a whore for stealing Brad from Jennifer.)

My dad and step mom arrived to town before my hair cut was finished but luckily they are more patient than some parents I know. My dad took us out for dinner and it was very nice knowing that they drove 2 and a half hours just to see me. Once dinner was finished, and the visit with my parents came to an end, the drinking began.

Oddly enough my friend and boyfriend ended up drinking a hell of a lot more than me and I ended up taking care of him instead of him taking care of the drunken birthday girl. It was also my other buddie's birthday as well. So we are lucky enough to have this chance to spend our birthdays together. We looked nice and had our birthday attire on. I styled a home made pin that said, "I'm 20 today" and a five year old home made birthday crown so that everyone knew that I was special. My buddy wore an "I'm 19 today" necklace and a cute little blue dress. I was impressed with her birthday glow she wore very well.

The night was filled with the drunken, slurred "Happy Birthdays" and "I like your hair." I was pleased. My other friend that I basically spent a solid four years hanging out together during our childhood came out as well. It really meant a lot to me considering she never goes out and she and I haven't really been as close for these last few years. It made my heart smile knowing that she was there with me. The night I will admit was full of disappointment though. I won't get into details but she was the one thing that didn't disappoint me. She did quite the opposite of that.

I mentioned that the night was a bit disappointing because... well lets just say that I ended my night, helping the cab driver rid the windows of Paul's puke. He sat on the front lawn crying, because we wouldn't let him help. It sounds pathetic, because it is. Haha, he was very intoxicated and I am not holding it against him today. Alcohol brings out the worst in everyone. I guess for some reason, it didn't bring out my evil being that's in there somewhere. I had great self control even when things made me angry; I didn't lash out or let people know that I was in fact quite pissed. Interesting and hopefully something I can keep up in the future nights of drinking to come...

Happy Birthday to me and goodbye to partying in Hinton for a long, long time..

Or shall I say... Good Riddance.

Pointless Scratches..

This is it..this is real.. We are officially moving. Well we were officially moving a month ago once my mom bought our home in Coombs. But in my mind, I have accepted it. We are out of here! My mom and I had been fighting there for awhile and she threatened to go without me. That freaked me out so badly. The idea of being left behind has always frightened me. But what bothered me was that I could be stuck living here in Hinton, after telling everyone that I was a goner. I would much rather argue with my mother in Coombs where it is beautiful and very conveniently situated by the ocean, rather than living in Hinton hating my life.

Mom just got back with a bundle of boxes for us to start packing. Only three weeks to go and we will be up and moving to another province. I am slowly starting to get excited because a new start is always something to look forward to. At least I get to begin my life with Paul somewhere besides here. Even though we're going to be living with my mom until we get ourselves grounded, I finally feel grown up and ready to start out on my own.

We may have to leave the house still up for sale. Mom gets too worked up having to tidy the house every day, with Paul and I at work. She gets too stressed out about it and she's going to end up falling down the stairs and hurting her back or worse. So I was hoping that we could sell the house privately but now it's all up to the realtor. I personally hope that it sells sooner than later, because I don't like the idea of leaving the house empty for months on end. Especially in the cool winter.

I am trying to think of ways in which I can get a head start on packing. I'm just not really sure what I won't miss having around for ... a month or so.

I am really looking forward to all of this being over. The moment we can all sit in our living room on Bowlby Drive will be a great reward. I seriously hope that unpacking will be eventful and not depressing and discouraging because of the small room we are going to be inhabiting. I am full of mixed emotions mainly because I only remember moving once in my life. It's the fear of the future, of what is to come. What do I expect? The fear of the unknown..

I have so many questions but I don't think it wise to stress over them now. There are too many other things to think about. This blog kind of sucks because my thoughts are all mixed up and it isn't very insightful or funny. But hell, what's a blog for if you can't talk about my feelings?

This picture sits in a frame on my night stand now..

Times They are a Changing...

The first day that Kyli, my sister came home with her boyfriend, Joe I couldn't help but feel somewhat saddened. I was very happy to have her home for the short period of time, but on the other hand, I knew that once they left, so would our little puppy, Dixie. Now I don't mean to sound childish but I can't help but be lonely for her now that she no longer resides in Hinton.

The visit itself was a very productive one I must say. We accomplished everything that I was hoping for. We cleaned out the entire basement, scrubbing walls that had never been and making it new again. We went through most of the boxes in our garage, filling twenty or more garbage bags and many garage sale boxes. I feel that we needed to go through some of those things together, because alone, we might not have made it so far. It was sad going through our parent's lives basically in twenty or more boxes. We discovered home videos filled with footage of Rudi on them. We treasure the box full of pictures of us growing up with Rudi and all of the fun things that we did. It was a beautiful experience looking at our happy faces in so many of the pictures. We worked for hours, going through tea sets and old bills along with old knick knacks that brought back flashes of memories. I feel a sense of closure from going through all of our things. I feel better because I found those pictures of us with Rudi, and the videos of him being completely nutty. I realized that he was constantly goofing around making everyone laugh around him. Now watching the videos, it was like he had a glow about him, that was positive and contagious. If he was laughing, everyone was as well. He made people smile, and want to be around him.

It had been a long day that we cleaned and sorted through the garage. But part of me didn't want it to end, knowing that that meant I was left to deal with the rest of the mess on my own. Also knowing that the way I felt looking at those pictures would end and I would have to leave my safe place in my mind, remembering that we were moving our lives far, far from where we made the memories in the first place. I knew that I wouldn't have my puppy, Dixie around to keep our minds off of the stress.

Sunday night I sort of felt panicked, like I didn't want to go to bed. Even though my back ached and my body was exhausted from all of the work accomplished. I wanted to stay up all night, so that it wouldn't end. Paul had to work in the morning, so that helped me to let go, and surrender to time. To let go. Now that's a hard one to do. It's not easily done and almost entirely impossible to do on one's own. Like every night before, we picked up our exhausted, dead to the world pup and took her to her bed that she made for herself, under the jackets, on top of a pile of shoes. We added a pillow and blanket to make the place more comfortable for her months ago. Tonight, Paul and I layed her down together, hugging and kissing her fuzzy face. Telling her that we'd see her soon and that she was loved. Like she was a child or something. But it almost felt like that. She came into this family at the worst possible time, when Rudi was first diagnosed, and later during and after his death. She was forgotten and looked at more like an inconvenience more than anything else by most. But Paul and I fought to keep her. We took on the responsibilities, feeding and cleaning up her mistakes. We were even promoted, maybe at the time demoted to the title of Mommy and Daddy. She was our problem. But we didn't look at it that way. She was our baby and she knew that. Letting her go was really hard for me.

Mom told me about a month ago that I had to give her away because the place that we're moving to doesn't allow more than two dogs on the property. Luckily, Kyli and Joe stepped in and said that they would love to have her.

No more than a month later, she is gone. The morning that they left, I hid in my bedroom. I wanted so badly to get up and see her again. But I knew that it would only make things more difficult for me. So I fell back asleep and the next time I woke, they had been long gone. I cried in bed, thinking that I had been a coward for not saying goodbye. Later I realized that it was for the best that I stayed away. It would've made it worse for the dog and my sister, who already felt like the bad guy.

Last night Kyli phoned to inform me that Dixie was taking to the city well, not barking at passerbys anymore. Going to the bathroom outside, rather than in their quaint apartment seven floors up. She was taking walks in the park and entertaining them for hours on end. My heart smiled and I feel better knowing that she's with my sister. She'll treat her well and now they have themselves a little family. Maybe this will make them want children sooner...

I felt like I was losing everything that I loved. But I was just being too dramatic. Like Bob Dylan said, "Times they are a changing." And I just have to get used to that...

~

In A White Haze

Yesterday was Father's Day. So it would seem appropriate to write about my dad, Bernard Parenteau. But, I didn't even want to phone him yesterday. I felt a curious urge to somewhat resent all dads that were still here on this earth. So unfair of me, but I didn't really care yesterday. I was bitter because my dad, Rudi wasn't here. He loved father's day where he'd get all choked up over the mushy card I carefully selected for him. He would tell us that he didn't want anything for father's day but secretly I know that he did. He could always use a new set of darts, or a new juicer, or something useless in the kitchen. He loved useless things like deep friers. I call them useless because he seldomly used anything like that. Maybe once or twice.

This morning, I woke at 9:14 and I thought to myself, I have to get up to help mom with the house; washing walls, throwing out the huge bags of unwanted things, and most importantly organizing the garage sale stuff. But, I returned to sleep most likely just from dozing off and not having enough ambition to wake. Then I woke again at around 9:42 and I was having the same thoughts, about what needed to be done today. I was thinking about my dream I had about Rudi, and as I was about to give up on getting up. A loud, yet subtle enough knock, with one knuckle it seemed was hitting my door. It was noticeable to me, but at the same time it wasn't loud enough for the puppies at the end of my bed to wake and notice. It wasn't mom, and well I may sound nuts but I do not care. It was Rudi, hitting my door telling me to get the hell up and help my mom. So I did.

The dream, wow what an interesting dream. At the time in my dream I wasn't aware of how important and significant the happenings were until later when I woke up and analyzed them.
I was out at the bar and had to follow my really great childhood friend, Jessie to her weird house. Now this house was big, and it was set up very strangely. For some reason, Jessie was on a snowboard in front of me going down her steep hallways and I was on a board with a thin yellow rope following her, having much difficulty. (Perhaps my mind wanted it to be a tobbaggan but maybe I'm not that creative..haha) Jessie went off past a door and down a dresser around a corner and I was very uneasy about doing so. So I looked around to see if there was an easier way out. That's when I heard a voice. I thought it was Jessie's dad from down below, but there Rudi appeared. To me, in the dream I acted like this wasn't a peculiar occurence, yet I was fully aware that he did indeed pass away. I was up higher than him and it wasn't possible for me to really reach him without jumping down, but I couldn't do so. I don't know if I didn't want to, or if I just was unable to. I don't recall what exactly he was wearing when I think about it now, but I know that I thought; Why is he wearing all white? Out of my dream there is an obvious answer. He was his 55 year old self, grey hair and grey kind of mustache. He was happy to see me and I wasn't really all that excited to see him though I knew it was a rare thing to see him. He asked me a lot about my mom and how she was doing and if she was alright. I told him the truth, and made sure he knew that she was doing okay but that she had her days where she was really sad. I told him that she was keeping herself busy, but I didn't tell him why. In my head, I thought that maybe mom had warned me not to tell him about us moving because it might upset him. I really wanted to ask him if it was okay for us to move, but I didn't. Now I wish I had. He got a little teary and apologized for dieing and putting us through all of the pain. I wanted to cry a bit, but stayed strong thinking I couldn't cry, not infront of him. So I told him that it was okay and that we were getting through it and that we were strong. I don't really remember my exact words, but it was something like that. I remember just wanting to get away, like I was in a hurry. So I rushed him and he came over to hug me. But I was so high up that all he could really reach were my bare feet. So he kissed my feet. And then I believe I bent down and gave him a funny angled hug. And he helped me get out of Jessie's house. I didn't see him after he hugged me though. I just remember I got out of Jessie's house, with his direction, but he wasn't there anymore. Oh, and before, I told him that I had his car, and he asked how I was doing with it. He was always so concerned about that damn car, it's no wonder he asked me in my dream how it was doing.

This dream means a lot to me now. Even though I hate my behaviour of constantly wanting to get away. Not out of fear. I was anxious to leave, but now I wish I could have stayed longer and asked him questions. Even in my dreams I stay strong and don't allow him to see how I am hurting. I was in so much anguish yesterday. I missed him so much, and constantly thought about him all day. We all did. The day wasn't as bad as I had thought it might be. But I sure did miss him entirely. I feel priveleged that I got to dream about him in this way, where I actually had an intelligent conversation with him.

I hate how dreams vanish, even from memory almost completely. I felt the need to share it with my mom as soon as I woke and to write it down so that I can read back to it. Because slowly the very image of him and the words that we shared are fading away. Soon the dream will be nothing but a white haze in my mind...

Easy Pleaser

I think that I am relatively easy to please. Today for instance, I have to tidy up my house because my mom is returning either today or tomorrow sometime. She's not being specific of course, so I have to clean today. But all I wanted to do was sit with a fluffy pillow on my lap and an afgahn blanket surrounding me with a novel that was requested for me to read by a dear friend. Reading, how I love it. I feel like I really can escape in a good fictional novel. I become the characters, and like I have recently discussed with my friend that shares the same passion for reading, we find that we are still thinking about the characters and their situations when we're away from the book. Now that is a good story!

Today there was a possibility that Paul might have the second half of his day off. But instead of hoping for him to not have to work, I hoped that he would so that I could read some of my book. It sounds awful, but it really isn't. Only a reader would understand what I mean. I sat in the living room, my not one, or two..but three dogs laying around me as I read on. The book I am currently reading seems to just be really getting interesting. But it's at the transitional phase of too much detail and I was beginning to lose patience and drift off to sleep. But then again, sleeping, more like napping on the couch is another one of my favourite things to do. The day isn't waiting for me. The sun is hiding behind clouds and I am sure I won't be seeing until tomorrow morning when I am too tired to really care. So I found that I slept for a good hour or so. It was so pleasant; a great way to spend the afternoon.

When I am reading a novel, I constantly am thinking of the author typing the very word that I am reading. My mind runs away with me and I image him cursing and deleting things that wouldn't fit as well. I imagine him putting in some of the lines and being insecure, wondering if his readers will identify with it or think he is a fool for writing such a mess. I wish so that I could have that very skill of detail that this author has, or the ability to make a character so real that you can actually see him.

I hope that one day I will have a few masterpieces out written with my blood and sweat. I hope that there is a reader much like myself imaging how I wrote the book. How I felt when I wrote this line, or how I came up with that line. I hope that I am successful like all the others I so fondly read. I hope that I make people want to be alone, so that they are finally with my book at last, to find out what happens next. I just want to write and I hope that I can follow my dream and not be discouraged, draft after draft. This is what I feel I need to do...what I am here to do. Write on...

Alex and I much younger

Alex and I

No Escape

Small towns are cliches aren't they? I don't think that just Hinton itself is the only kind of small town there can be either. There are plenty small towns within Hinton. Think about it.... Everyone's work place is like a small town because there is a group of people within it that are the centre of any talk that may be conversed. Everyone knows everybody at work, for the most part. Everyone knows eachother's business and we all have our own little cliques. I personally am a bit of an outcast at work because I am the youngest and the things that the other ladies talk about are their children, recipes, etc. Things I am not very interested in. But there are a few ladies that I would rather work with than others. I am not ashamed to admit that I have had discussions with other ladies about someone else's questionable work ethics. See, just like a small town. Another very obvious kind of small town, is school. More so high school because it is so dramatic, with all of the new hormones floating up and down the hallways. No matter what we do, we can not escape small town bullshit.

So even though I am moving to another province, a better provice, I will still be subjected to the usual small town dramatics. I am moving to a small town, surrounded very closely to two others. I know that once I get there, I will be the new girl... I will be that person everyone is going to quickly try and categorize. I will be categorized based on my appearance first. Then by who I am with, as well as who I will warm up to first. In my case, my very spunky, outgoing cousin, Alex. There it is, I will be put in Alex's group, whatever that may be. I am prepared for it and quite happy that the two of us have always been very much alike.

My cousin Alex has always lived miles and miles away. She is my best friend, since we were just little, even though we didn't always get along. But that had to do with the same small town behaviour that lyes in each family. Her family moved around often and too often it was farther away from me. I visited her in Louisiana, Wainwright, Edmonton, Qualicum, and Dallas. Well I didn't visit her in Dallas, but that's all the different places that she's lived in while we were growing up. Now she resides in Qualicum, which is quite close to Coombs, where I will be living. We have always been the type that rarely keeps in touch when we're away, but once we reunite, it's like we never left eachother's sides. I am very fortunate that my mom decided that moving to the island was the answer.

I realize that all of my last few blogs have been related to moving. But my whole world, each day I think about it. There is so much to be done and very little time to do it. Yet I am sitting here at my computer writing about it, instead of actually doing it. Am I avoiding it because I am lazy and don't feel like tidying up or is it because subconsciously I am afraid that packing up makes leaving that much more real?

One of the many left behind..

From The Mountains To The Sea...where will I be?

To stay in a life that I know and have learned so much in....
Or to go off to an unknown land far away, to learn so much more ... struggle, warmth, my saviour perhaps?

My mom bought a home outside of Coombs, British Columbia yesterday. We know very little about the island and it was something surprising for all of us. She wants to up and move by next month. Sometimes I think that she hasn't even thought of us yet. Paul and I are young and just new to living together, after EVERYTHING that has happened in my soap opera life. We struggled for awhile to make things pleasant and we have succeeded. So just when everything was starting to sort of feel normal, well as normal as life can be at this point..... We are moving away. Away from everything that I know. From everyone that I know. As much as I complained about this place, I am terrified of leaving it. When I moved I expected my parents to live here forever and for this to be my home forever. Not necessarily this house, but Hinton in general. I understand that my mom needs to leave this town for many reasons. But it's so sudden and the part that hurts the very most is she's running... and I know she'll never look back. Rudi would be proud of her for leaving, I know. But his memory lives in Hinton and with that, this town means everything to me. Even though I despized it for so long. I need to know that I have a home here and I will no longer. It's tough to stomach...

It also doesn't help that with moving, I have to give up so much. Thankfully, my shining star is coming with me with very little hesitation. I am not really sure what I would do if he decided to let me go... He still could, I am not sure. I just don't want him to rescent me or my mom for all of this. He has to leave his entire life behind, as well as his new nephew and his family that are all still in town. Again, how do we cope with that? There is a lot of frustration swimming around us and questions with answers that I fear will be so procrastinated, that we will be left even more discouraged than before. A lot on our plates I must say. Will we last through all of this? Is this our ultimate test? I thought we were through with the harsh tests on our love for one another. Apparently not. But I do know that if only after a year of dating, and we overcome the loops and jumps on the bumpy path we can do anything together, forever. Which will be the most rewarding feeling out of all of this.

This. I have no words to describe 'this'. This is my life and this is how I am to deal with it. Deal with it. I could go on forever, wondering and worrying about what is to come...
I am sick of worrying and bitching and hating my situation. I think from now on I need to live. Let myself live life that I am so very blessed to have. Rudi would want me to just be. Live. Exist for him and let nothing stand in my way. Even if that seems impossible. I can do this. This.

From the mountains to the sea there I'll be...