My Christmas Baggage

November 26th... a month from today it'll be over. Christmas time will be nearing the end. I think we'll all feel relief instead of disappointment that it's already over.

Christmas has always been such a big deal in my life. I don't think I have ever been a grown up during Christmas time. Every year, being the youngest in the family I had the right and responsiblity to wake everyone up early. I made my mom get up in the middle of the night and put the presents out, so that it looked like Santa had come while we were asleep. I am not joking around people, I am a child at Christmas. Kyli would usually follow me but never was she first to have to wake me up. Lincoln will always be the last to trapes his ass out of his bed like we were punishing him. How can anyone be bitchy on CHRISTMAS? How is that even possible? Haha, see... a child.

But this year I fear that I just might not be the same little kid I've been for the last nineteen Christmas' before. First of all, we'll be here... in the boonies. The good thing is that Kyli, Lincoln and Joe will all be here. Lincoln's girlfriend, Jess will be with her family as will Rob. Maybe this is a good thing, seeing as Linc and I can tag along together and no one can feel left out. Second, mom isn't going to be very lively and I can understand that completely. But it might be a bit of a chore to keep her spirits lifted which could be discouraging. Traditons are a big thing with me and I'm pretty sure all the basic traditions we've had are all broken this year. Along with most of our Christmas spirits. But I am going to make an effort to keep myself happy. There won't be snow which isn't a bad thing, just different for me. What's Christmas without of f***in' snow? (I am Albertan, so it's going to take some time for me to adjust) Mom said since we're... 26,25 and 20.. that Christmas isn't going to be very big this year. And yes she's said that every year, but I know that this year... since her youngest is 20.. it is going to be like that exactly... small. Because I am a child, this disappoints me. Oh well. I am really big on the "at least we're all together for Christmas.." Because this is the first year where this is a very important detail.

Mr. Rob Junkala himself is going to be absent for our first Christmas.. which technically isn't our first..it is our... it ISN'T our first Christmas apart...haha, so far they all have been apart...but this is our first Christmas knowing each other...apart! WHAT? I am all messed up now. But I'm sure the idea is figured out.. I am happy that he is going home. He needs to. He needs to see his friends and his family. His house. This is a big thing. He "needs to party in his old house for the very last time." Cute. He took me to Hinton to get my shit all figured out.. the things I forgot about.. So this is his chance to do the same. Go home, see everyone he misses and do all of the things he misses, and bring his things back that he forgot about.. etc. I am also happy that he is going home because his family needs him. He needs to complete their Christmas by being there. Hey, I can certainly understand that.

Soooooooooo Christmas is coming. I'm not as freaked out about it as I was... up until I wrote this little blog.

Bring it on Santa.. I'm fuckin' ready.

Right On

Days off are nice. Nice for me to get some alone time. Time to think and most importantly, time to SLEEP IN.

Rob left for work early and I was pouting like a child. I didn't want him to go but also because I had some really stupid dreams. I dreamt that I was back with Paul. I was thinking to myself, as Paul is talking to me.." what about Rob...?" Paul said something like.." man it was so sweet...etc" I was thinking, in my dream.. "Rob would've said.. 'it was so deadly'..

Just those little things that make someone so individual. They're even apparent in my dreams. I was upset when I woke up, thinking that I was with him again, but instantly realizing that I was right where I wanted to be. I like those dreams, where you wake up, and feel better knowing that your life is what you want it to be..

The idea of love, what is that? I refuse to muddle up my relationship with that word right away. I only say this because I have done that so many times when in fact I didn't mean it. This time around, I want it to be real... I want to know for a fact that I am in love, before I go saying it. Lately, I have been getting these really strong feelings, and I haven't been ignoring them..maybe just setting them off to the side. I am not sure if we're ready for.. that word just yet. I will be honest though, this feeling is overwhelming and I am not really sure how to describe it..

Loving someone does frighten me I think. It makes me vulnerable and naiive. I refuse to be naiive again. I think that is because each time that I have been "in love" I have lost my identity. Especially with my first love, I just dove in head first..not looking to see where I'd land, not thinking about anything but him. For the time it had been nice, but now knowing how stupid I had been in that entire relationship, I won't do that again. Love is scary to think about, when you're not in it. But once you're lost in it, nothing else seems to really matter... That's the part that frightens me the most. Fearing love?.. is this healthy?

My mom said when she first met Rudi she knew that she would marry him. She also said the same for my dad. I can't say that I have felt that sudden urge when first meeting him. Being honest, because this blog is for me to write my inner feelings in, even though I know people read it... I will continue to be honest, fully aware that it is going to be known and this is okay as long as I can be honest with myself..

My feelings for Rob are right. We are really right for eachother. We do have fun and I think that he is going to be someone I will love one day. It's too soon to say that I do.. It's too soon to know in my eyes that we will be together forever, and also VERY naiive to say that as well. But things feel right and comfortable. I love being comfortable and I feel tremendously secure around him.

I needed to get that all out. I needed to write it out because it was KILLING me keeping that all in. Things feel right in my life and I will continue to live it the way that I have been in order to keep this feeling..

Flippin' Fun

Rob and I have so much fun together. This is a perfect example of this... About an hour prior to this picture, Rob asked me to walk towards him... so I do this..and he flips me.. like a crazy man over his head onto my back, onto his bed. I screamed so loud! So this time around, I was somewhat prepared. My cousin Alex was the one taking the picture, preparing for the action shot.



There is the result.. My hair is flying in the air.. It's not like he was gentle when flinging my body through the air over his shoulder. Too funny.

My point of this post is to admit that having the right person in one's life is just the medicine. Ever since meeting Rob things have become a hundred times more interesting that's for sure. He's quite the character and a lot of fun to be around.. As you can see... from the pictures again..

It's really nice being around someone so supportive of what I am going through. Supportive is a really great way to explain what Rob is like. He just supports me, and tells me when he's proud of me.. which seems like a lot.. and that is so rewarding to hear. "I'm proud of you."

We just have a lot of fun together. Like when we think of things to do..when we're bored, we go to the pub and play pool together, or a game of darts. I have never been like this before in a relationship. I don't know if I was lazy, but I was never willing to do those kinds of things. But now I really enjoy it. He even mentioned how cool it was to be having a beer with his girlfriend at the pub and playing darts. I agree. We definetly are a cool couple. And when something bothers one of us, we just tell each other.. and the problem..as teeny as that may be, is resolved..and noted. I don't know, we're doing well. And I couldn't be happier with everything.

It's really nice to have found him so soon, after I moved here. I think we really needed each other. Now at least we can say we have one good friend here in B.C. (though we both have a couple of good ones..)

I'm proud to say that I am dating Rob and I hope that he is pleased with his new girl too.

My Crazy Logic

Rob and my Mountains


















Me and my mountains, on the way home...















A few pictures to show how beautiful where I grew up really is..


Like I mentioned in posts from before, Rudi is living and breathing through those mountains, and I truly felt that when we were passing through this time around.

The other night I was watching some home videos with Rob. Of course I knew that a lot of them would have Rudi on them and they did. I was really doing just fine, until the very last part of the very last video we decided to watch.. Mom had the video camera on Rudi and she was closing up the night.. saying Merry Christmas and telling Rudi to relax now that he was finished making the turkey dinner etc.. Then she said, "okay Rudi say goodbye.." And he's sitting in his chair (also on another post..) and he looks at the camera.. and casually waves and says "goodbye.." Oh my goodness. The effect that something so simple.. had on me was unbelievable. I lost my mind. I started crying and crying.. and I just couldn't stop.

I realized at that exact moment.. that I was going about this the wrong way. I was avoiding the fact that he was gone in my head. I was ignoring my memories of him and trying to put him on the back burner in my brain. Well this now I realize isn't very healthy. I miss him and I am really sad. I miss him so hard that it hurts. I miss him so much that as I write this the tears are forming in my eyes as I type. I can't avoid him anymore. I can't ignore him anymore. I have to just grieve I guess. No matter how miserable that makes everyone else around me, I guess this is what I have to do. And I really don't want to. I hate being sad and I HATE HATE HATE crying. I just think it's a waste of time and why should I let people see me cry, that's what they want isn't it... 'Haley's gonna crack sometime, she's been much to strong..' 'It's unhealthy that Haley hasn't broken down yet..' and the comments go on and on. No one has said this to me personally, but I know what people are thinking. (family members..)

I feel like they are just waiting for me to fall apart now and I don't want to. I don't want to be like everyone else and be miserable and difficult to be around. The only person that I truly feel comfortable enough around crying is Rob. This is because he didn't know Rudi and this way he feels badly for us because we lost our dad, mom's husband, etc. But he doesn't miss Rudi he just wishes he met him. This way I don't feel guilty about crying infront of him, even if it makes him sad... He can afford to be sad for me, whereas my family can't because they have to be sad for themselves first. Yeah, that's my crazy logic.. I wonder if it makes any sense ...?

So that's that. I'm sad. And yeah, it's totally okay to be sad. I have never felt this sad for a long time though. This is definetly a different kind of feeling than any other experienced so far since the ... death. (How do word something so sad, and tragic...? )

The videos are so hard to watch..not only because we see Rudi again. But because it reminds us of how happy he made all of us. How much of a light he was in our days.. how he made us all laugh all the time. He was a big part of our lives and I forgot that. I forgot what it was like to have Rudi around. He's never been here, in this house, on the island... I don't remember seeing him walk through the front door like I did in Hinton. Maybe that's why it's better we live here..maybe not.

I need to find a way to deal with this pain and I am having a difficult time figuring out how.. I'm sure it will come to me. He wouldn't just leave me hangin' like this would he..

Home Girl

I realized that home isn't Hinton. Up until this trip I thought that's what it was. The song, by Micheal Buble "Home" came on when I first moved here and it made me sad. Tonight I had a shower and heard it again but this time I felt great about the song. Hinton was just a place that I grew up in. Home is where family is. It's my brother, my sister, my mom and Rudi.

I realized that longing for home is something I will forever have to do. Home is where all our memories are made. I know that I still have the rest of my family to share new experiences with and I do look forward to them. But there will always be something missing in our home. Even when we start families of our own.. there will always be a piece missing... someone to miss. I realize now that that's okay. Home is where we all are when we're together...no matter where that might be. To me now, that is home..

Hard to concentrate right now on writing a blog.. So I leave you all with that little bit about what I believe to be home.. Hope it makes you all think.

My Trip

My Baby- notice the jersey...












Us Girls- Katie, Me, Carmelle

Rob and Me ~ Me after "the greens" on Rudi's Chair

Katie and Eric

Grandma and Grandpa and Lil' Ol' Me

Closure In So Many Ways

Wow.

Okay I went back to my home town Hinton, Alberta this weekend. There was one main reason when Rob and I set out on Friday night; to get my things from Paul.

But I realized that going back was meant to happen for a number of reasons.

First off, I realize how much more amazing this guy is. Rob has done so much for me already. But taking me back to where I used to live, over ten hours away one weekend to pick my things up from my ex boyfriend was huge. For Rob to have to see my ex and to have to see me see my ex for the first time... was a big deal. But he is mature enough to do this for me, jealous free and with so much thought. He wanted to make sure I was happy the entire time. He kept saying, "are you happy.. Is there anything else you want to do before we leave, anything at all, I'll do it for you.."
This guy is so great and I am so proud that he did all of this for me.

I needed to go and get my mom's things from Paul. He was supposed to bring them when he came for his things. But Paul is such a procrastinater that we all knew this wasn't going to happen any time soon. So by us going, we got what we wanted and we were nice and decided to bring a few items for Paul. I brought him his guitar and some winter clothes, etc. But not everything because he can come for it himself. I stand firmly on that one. And I will not back down. My mom wanted to get her lawn mower and I really wanted us to have our Christmas tree in time for Christmas. It's bad enough mom wants to skip Christmas altogether but this way, now we have our tree back, so she can't.

Seeing Paul was different. He looked different. Rob described it as, "shameful". He looked like a puppy that just got into trouble... It was difficult to look at him. I remember we did the guitar exchange... I said, "here's your life back.." and as I said that he was saying, "my life!" So I am glad that we brought something for him. This way, we end up looking good. The exchange of things went well. I know Paul's girlfriend so she came up to me and gave me quite a hug. She was good about it. Kristen, Paul's sister was kind of sad..and My baby, Drake was asleep in his car seat. I was disapointed because I wanted to see him so badly. But Kristen later phoned me back and invited Rob and I out for breakfast with just her and Drake. YAH! So I did get to see my baby and he is great! I am going to post pictures of him later today or tomorrow. I am like a proud mother when it comes to this little guy.

Leaving the driveway, was my way of leaving Paul. Leaving Hinton was like leaving Paul, for good. And it felt bittersweet. Not because I want him back, but because we had something there in Hinton, but that's it. We have nothing anymore and it feels refreshing.

I saw his parents at L&W Restaurant by crazy chance. I couldn't believe it. I went up to them and they looked shocked but they both hugged me. Denise looked like I felt; tearful. But again, seeing the two of them made me feel really great about myself and my new situation. They were very pleased to hear that I have a new boyfriend. They truly are great people. For them to be able to be happy for me, is a beautiful thing. The visit was wonderful and short lived like the entire trip, which was also perfect.

I visited Rudi's mom and dad, my grand parents. They were excited and very shocked to see me. We took pictures and I really don't think I've ever felt so welcome. I think that my presence was like a piece of Rudi. They miss him and by seeing me, it was like having a bit of him there. They had their arms all around me in the picture which I will be sure to post. I just felt so great leaving their house, with Rob. They told him to take care of me, and hoped to see him again. (haha, grandparents are so funny because they're so literal.)

My girl Katie is looking absolutely fantastic. I couldn't be happier with what I saw of her this weekend. She looks great. Not only does she look hot as hell, she is genuinely happy and well I think her new guy, Eric has a lot to do with that. It was really nice to be back at the Bouchard's as well. Thank you Wendy for having us!! We really appreciated it!! Seeing Carmelle again was like old times. Not a lot has changed there in Hinton.

As we drove towards Jasper, I had a hard time. There are so many memories along that drive of Rudi and our family hikes. Rob stopped a few times for me to take pictures of the mountains.. It was tough leaving that behind because it was like a lot of Rudi is still there because I can honestly say that that is Rudi's favourite place in the whole world still to this day. He loved nature and his mountains. Rudi's spirit is clearly there as we drove through. Rob and I played on Rudi's pool table at Master's. We asked some guys if they wouldn't mind letting me play on his table and I showed them the plaque, and explained that he was my dad and I needed to play on it. So I did get a lot of the things I wanted to get done. Rudi was a bit of a "smoker" of the greens and well, I got to smoke a little myself in his old chair... won't get into detail, but it was special..

Hinton. The town itself is the same. Not only is it blah there, but it's also freakin' freezing. The temperature change is so drastic. My lips are so dry still. The weather in Alberta is gross and I am so glad that we returned to our little island last night.

As we were gliding over sheer ice on the Coquihala Highway, I said, "we're not on our little island anymore..." It's so apparent once we leave. I swear, Vancouver Island is Canada's best kept secret. I am proud to be living here and I am not looking back..

New Me

Pain is just weakness leaving the body.

This is a saying that my friend told me about today. I was talking about how I have to keep myself modivated to run everyday. He shared this quote with me. I like it.

Today I ran for my sixth day, unfortunately not consecutively. But it felt really great to do it. The first day was killer but, I ran on and off. But today I ran the entire way only walking twice for a short time. I can't explain how amazing it made me feel when I got home. I was energetic and enthusiastic. I was very out of breath and sweating more out of anything. But it didn't last long. Like the first day I ran I was out of breath for a considerably long time. It just feels so great to know that it is actually working!

Running makes me feel so great. I think if anyone has the time to do this they should really consider it. Rudi started body building in his early twenties and didn't stop until months before his death, at age fifty five. I now understand why he did it. Well not completely because I haven't any physical results yet. Today I succeeded in running the entire way and I can't even begin to explain how proud I feel that I did it.

I kept thinking that I should keep my mind off the running altogether. If I think about it I remind myself that I am tired and want to stop running and start walking. But the entire way I kept my mind going on anything and everything. My entire life was flashing before my eyes, because I was making it in order to keep myself going. On the way back I kept on thinking about how tired I was. I thought about how great I am going to feel and look this coming summer. I'm going to be tanned because I live near the ocean and I plan on going to the beach everyday. I will have a flat stomach, great, muscular legs and long dark hair. ( growing my hair long and dying dark brown). I really look forward to the summer because *Rob and I are going to go to Tofino and I am going to try out surfing for the first time. I think I will really enjoy it and I know that he does. We'll be surfing, and looking and feeling GREAT!

I love that my life is turning around and that I am a new me. I am really serious about the exercising. When I can't run out here. I will go lane swimming with my aunty at the pool which is right across the way from *Rob's house. I am just really looking forward to looking better and not only that, but feeling better about myself as an end result. Exercise is very rewarding and I am excited about the new me that is sneaking into my new life.

Me and Joe in Victoria. One nice picture and one where he looks like he's killing me. It looks a lot worse than it is! We have a lot of fun together!

Joe Struck

Home.

I am home from being away for almost more than a week. I have not stayed home for what seems like forever. I have just been staying at *his house because we have been spending a lot of time together. I like being home but only for so long and then I get anxious to get back into Qualicum again. I guess I feel like I'm somewhat missing out on "life" .... when I'm out here in Errington. Maybe I should look into what that means, or not. Once I get back into Qualicum I don't have to do anything, but just being there is enough for me. Weird huh..

I can't really explain yet where I am going this weekend, but it is far... and it is damn well worth it. It is mom and Rudi's anniversary. 18 years they would've been married.. Once a person dies, I guess that means that the couple is no longer married. ' Til death do us part...?' Kyli and Joe are coming to stay with her this weekend so that she is not alone. I am releived to hear that. I knew that my timing was bad but I really need to go this weekend or it just won't work out. ( I'll explain after I return where I went and why..)

Kyli is a great person, always very considerate. But I know that Joe is behind this visit. When Rudi was dieing he really surprised me with his mature actions. He really pulled through for the family. And he really loved Rudi and I had never realized this before. Never. I am glad now that Rudi ended up giving Joe his beautiful guitar and not Paul. Not for obvious reasons either. Joe really deserved it just for the way he was about Rudi. He was just so good to him. It was almost like watching a grown man with a baby girl in his arms... the precious way that a man looks with a child in his arms..and you can see how taken back that man is to such a sweet little person. Well of course Rudi didn't resemble a baby girl, but the way that Joe handled him and talked to him, was just touching.

Joe and I have this fake Love-Hate relationship. I say it's fake because there is no hate in it at all. We poke fun at each other all the time. After partying in Vic that night I was running around without pants. ( I do not wear pants to bed..everyone who knows me, knows this..and has to deal with my pant less self at night.) Well he wound up so hard and smacked me right in the ass. My goodness it hurt, but I couldn't feel, with how drunk I was. But it's stuff like that. Next time I'll pull his chest hair really hard when I get a chance.. We get each other back. It makes for a more interesting visit. As well as entertaining for everyone else.

So I guess I can say that I dedicate this blog to someone I know will "make it" in the family.. To my one day brother in law, Joe Stewart. The hairiest bastard I know.

Less Celery..

"Rudi likes celery... (long pause) but Rudi's not here anymore. Soo, life goes on... ( another pause) with less celery, and that's okay." ~My Mom


Sometimes the things that come out of her ramblings. I was laying in my bedroom and she literally does not stop talking to herself and that is something that popped out of her mouth. Kinda cute sometimes.

Today was tough. I woke up feeling quite horrible. Don't you hate those mornings where you wake up fully knowing that the day ahead is going to be rough just by the way your throat feels, or when you go to say something you sound like a frog.. I sure do. So I went to work and I was in rough shape. I didn't even have to tell my boss that I didn't think I could make the day. He just said, "my goal today is to get you out of here as soon as possible, okay.." How cool of a boss. I must admit, when push comes to shove the man really pulls through. He is very understanding in that way. By 12:30 some cold sweats and frog like responses to the customers later... I was outta there! The thing that got me was that he thanked me for coming in today. He said that we would've been screwed without me a few times this morning. He was happy that I toughed it out. I guess it was a good thing that I didn't call in sick. This way at least they all knew that I wasn't feeling good and they all didn't have to be completely alone this morning. It was pretty busy.

So I came home with my "soup to go" from work and downed that. The entire time I ate it at my kitchen table, which took me awhile because I couldn't at that point, breathe out of my nose.. I was still in my down filled jacket. My mom turned the heat up and I finally took the jacket off.
A real nap was in order so I took one and just awoke a half an hour ago to the phone ringing.

Tonight nothing is planned and I couldn't be happier. I have to work at 8:30 tomorrow and I need to make sure that I am in better spirits for work. There's no way I want to drag my ass for a third day there. That would just be sickening to my co-workers. I work with a couple of sweet hearts. If they read this, which I know that they do not.. I would say THANK YOU to the good, understanding people that work out there.

For tonight I find my healthy self somewhere.. so that I have energy for the weekend.

How Did It Get This Way?

Bad time.

Oh no. It has come this far...too far now. I have gone too far.

I am supposed to have respect for my mother just because of the simple fact that she is my mom. Yet, it took everything I had not to hit her...or push her out of my door way today. She always has to find a way to come into my room once I have left from an argument, to put my purse in my bedroom, or put an envelope on my dresser,etc. After I had left the fight..she had to come into the room again..and refuse to leave. I hate that.

All day I tell myself that I am going to be nicer to her. I am going to be more patient. As soon as I get into the house, all of this goes away. Instantly. It's sick really. I honestly do think about how badly I am treating her, after I am finished. Or after the damage is done. This damage is done and it is ugly. Things will never be the same I don't think. I mean yeah, we'll forgive each other but things have been said. The things that I have said to her... are ugly. I shouldn't be able to speak to her this way.

I am upset because I hate how my mom is such a push over. People walk all over her and she lets them. Yet, I am the one walking all over her now. And there's no one to stop me? But me. So I have decided that I need to get better. I am thinking about getting some help. Maybe just by talking to someone about what makes me so crazy about her. I almost am not exxagerating when I say everything that comes out of her mouth.... annoys me. Almost everything. How horrible is that? She's my mother for god's sakes. This is not a good thing.

After our terrible outbursts, I flew out of the house yelling "grow up!" and she's yelling "get out!".. I went for my third run in three days. (I will get into that on another blog). I was so upset, so of course I found myself talking to Rudi. I nearly tripped over a freakin' SNAKE. I screamed and kept talking. I was more upset than mad. I did the entire, "it's your fault! why did you have to leave?!" deal that I do when I'm frustrated. It's like when we fight, I feel like it's his fault because we're both so frustrated about everything that we explode at eachother. Me more so than her though.

It's just that all of her attention is on ME now. I am at that stage where I am almost out the door on my own..but forced to stay back because of my situation, knowing that I can't live on my own successfully. I want out! I'm sure she wants me out too. No I know she wants me out too. Now it's like our relationship is spoiled. Like when friends decide to work together. We spoiled it. Or should I say, I spoiled it.

I didn't get any answers on my run. Well I did. I need help. I need to not get so angry with her.. I need patience. I know what I need, the hardest part is trying to .. do these things.

I read all the mommy blogs and I admire how much these women think of their children. And then I feel guilty because I realize that my mom felt that way about me when I was a wee baby. She still feels that way about me. And what have I been doing all this time? I've been really cruel..

But she hasn't been all that great either. She repeats everything she says to me... ten times every other day. She constantly is on me.. If I rinsed my plate and there's bits in the sink (not a lot, I'm not a pig) she'll get all frustrated over it. I can't cut a piece of cheese without her telling me what knife to use and that I need a cutting board. I am going crazy! I need space, even though I've had it.. I am barely ever home. I need her to lay off me and I need to become a lot nicer.

Give a little, get a little.... ?

*Us, at the bar in Victoria. We're both prettttty loaded. Good times!

Making New Sister Memories

Kyli loving her baby sister! (Something is starting to pop out already.. hadn't even started dancing yet..geesh!)

On my 18th birthday there is a picture of Kyli "nurturing" me with a full glass of beer. I only thought it would be appropriate to do the same for her... on her 26th birthday.

The Land of Vic

My trip to Victoria was intensely anticipated. *we didn’t think that we were going to get there it seemed, but finally we did. *He got along really well with my sister and Joe. They had lots to talk about while Kyli and I did our routine "squacking" in the bathroom, the bedroom, the kitchen, the balcony... My sister’s place isn’t very big but we always find ways to be alone to catch up on lost time.

They had previously reserved a big table for us at Darcy’s Pub. This is a great little pub right on the harbour, in downtown Victoria. At first I was disappointed having wanted to show *him Times. (Irish Times) But once we entered Darcy’s we knew that it was clearly a place for us. There was a huge big screen with the hockey game on! *He was in. We sat at a huge, wooden table that reminded me of camp. It was so big and it could fit like 30 small kids at it. We ordered drinks..and LOTS of food. I usually don’t eat when I’m at a bar..but in this case it seemed like the right thing to do. Lucky for me I did because even after allllll of the food, I was still pretty tipsy at the end of the night.

After the game, which the Canucks won again. Ugghh. (I should be happy for them, I am... but part of me wants them to lose?? Haha) The band started up. This was a great cover band that I actually had seen play at the Rod last year when I was just visiting the island with Rudi. This band can get the crowd going I have to say. *He really enjoyed the live music I think. He kept saying, "this is going to be me in 1 year!" *He really has ambition to start up something himself with his own musical talents. I think he has it in him too. I wonder if anything will come of it. I certainly hope so.. It’s nice to follow your dreams and even better to succeed.

I have to say, I was wearing a very hard to keep up top. Bad wardrobe choice on my part. I figured since I was wearing a zip up hoody..I could conceal them. But the band was playing some pretty hard stuff and I was forced to jump up and down like a freakin’ idiot. At this point, my sister who was quite a lot more intoxicated than me..was wide eyed and constantly pulling my top up for me. Oops. Only ONCE did I lose it completely revealing a perky, bouncing breast. Only ONE. That counts for something, right? At this point, I zipped up my hoody and decided that this was it for the halter top idea. (Took my drunk ass long enough.)

*We did have a really great time. We made some new friends, or acquaintances rather. But this was our first real partying that we shared together. I think there will be many more to come as time comes and goes. We were both very excited that everything went well. We both trusted each other, had a great time sitting together and chatting it up, dancing like losers on the dance floor that was ridiculously packed. I don’t worry about him checking out other girls because I trust him. He said he thinks it’s great how I handle guys when they appear to be hitting on me. I’m not a bitch, I’m not a flirt but I "let them down gently". Haha.

My favourite time of the night is when we were walking back to Ky and Joe’s apartment and there was a bum playing the guitar. *He insisted that I give the man some of my change. I gave a little. He’s like, "Haley give him some more!! I know this song!" Then he stands beside the man and starts singing along to the song as loud as he can. Of course he sounded really impressive, but I had to literally drag him away. I know that if I hadn’t he never would’ve left this bum’s side. These are the little things I like about *him. He’s a nut. I’m pretty goofy myself. I think we’re a good match. We get along well, and I love it when a guy can make me laugh. And recently I love it when a guy can surprise me in so many different ways.

Here’s to new surprises baby!

In With The Good Out With The Bad

This is basically how I felt last night. Clinging onto..something that I wanted there..that wasn't.

I don't know... last night I just let go.. I didn't want to ..but everything I felt had been bubbling up inside me that it was about time that I finally burst into tears.. So I did. I cried..

I hate crying. I know that I always say, "it's okay to cry.. it doesn't mean that you're weak, it means that you're human." Funny how I can't take my own advice though. I just feel like if I cry.. it's like I want whoever experienced me crying's pity. I hate pity. That's what I will not stand for. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I want them to respect me and sort of have a silent understanding for why I am the way I am that day..or always.

I can say now that it felt really good to cry and let it all out. I still did feel stupid and hope I didn't scare *him. Though I don't even need to say that..I know that I didn't. He was really good about it and just held me while I bawled my little head off. (Like I look like I am about to do after that picture was taken. The man used to throw me up in the air and I HATED that..and I'd wrap my arms around his neck and be like, NOooooo I don't like that.) Rudi would've been proud of how well *he reacted to me while I was upset. Rudi would approve I think. He would know that *he makes me happy and that *his intentions are good. That is all Rudi ever really cared about. That the guy treats me right and is a good person. Rudi was the best judge of character. He was always very understanding when it came to people. I want to be like that.

I guess even I think about him, yet I... faze him out. How I do it, is beyond me. I think of something else.. But every once in awhile I see his face in my head. Like the other night I suddenly saw him in my head shaking his head..like he wasn't approving. It really bothered me and I thought waaaay too much into it. But it's little things like that.. he just is always there. Even if I am trying to avoid thinking about him..he always finds his way into my thoughts.

I miss him. I don't understand the world..but I'll go crazy trying. I know that this is where I belong..and this is where I need to be in my life right now. So I don't try to understand it.. I just live it..

I guess I just felt insecure because I feel like all the significant men in my life leave me. I know this is silly because of course they don't intentionally... well some do.. but not the really important ones. I came to the conclusion that I am terrified ... like that sick feeling in my stomach terrified of being left behind or abandoned. I feel like in the last little while, this has happened to me. I just wish that there was some way in which I could avoid this happening to me again, but I know there isn't. I just have to trust in the people I meet or am around and have faith that they too won't do what the men in my past have done. And when I say men I include the exs'.. Not only is it disappointing, but it hurts beyond hurting. I don't feel like hurting anymore for a while. So I guess where I am at in life is a good and healthy place for me. Right by my new boyfriend. Fresh life, fresh start.. new beginnings.

Flowin'

Things are moving along quite smoothly in my new found relationship. But of course, if this is going well, other things must not.. It's just the way that life works. I can honestly say that the bad in my life right now, shouldn't even be considered all that bad though. Just enough for me to wince..and maybe complain a little to my mom about. While she has something she can complain about too...

There is a small fee that the government will send a widow, or whatever to help with the funeral costs when someone has passed. But she just received something in the mail claiming that she'll have to consider that as income... and she'll be taxed for it at the end of the year. She can not work with her back disability, she is literally unable to. She's starting to panic a little bit, just because she doesn't know how it all works, etc. And she's never been the calm type to begin with. Bummer. I hate that the government is still making money off of Rudi and he isn't even alive anymore. Bastards. I guess that's how they make their money.... off of the dead people. Sounds so criminal...

And for my little hardship.. I just finished paying over four hundred dollars on my cell phone because I was using it primarily since we moved here.. And now I just received last month's and apparently, even though I thought I was being careful.... I have wracked that bill up over five hundred FREAKIN' dollars!! This is no good. I wish I could just throw the damn thing up against the wall. Too bad I have a two year plan with them. Fuckers. I enjoy the convenience of it...yet, I can not afford the price it pays. My goodness. At least I live at home, right? I don't have to pay rent ..so all that I earn is for me.. and my cell bill..and Mastercard.. But I will be able to catch up eventually. I was just looking to buy a car very soon. My last two cell bills could've bought me a car... an okay, running car!!! My freedom...blabbed away like an idiot by ME. How inconvenient.

But I am finished complaining. I don't have much reason to complain these days. EXCEPT!! The oilers are sucking ass. And it is making me very angry. A losing streak..you could call it. They only won...I believe their game against Vancouver...which was important for me. So that I could rub that in the faces of all the fans that surround me here. But now, the Canucks are winning and my team is sucking. In MY face.

Oh well. I am still very joyous. I've decided Rudi will live through me now. I will try my best to remain positive and cheerful regularly..even when things tend to bring me down..such as huge, insane cell bills, taxing on my dad's death and... Edmonton's losing streak..due to my purchasing an expensive Oiler's jersey and jinxing the team. haha I will remain happy go lucky... layed back kind of girl. That's the new me and I like it.

And by the way I have a friend that I used to work with at the BW in Hinton. I introduced her to the blog world. She has started up a new one. She's a great lady.. Single mother of three GROWING boys. If any of you would like to check out her site...feel free to..

www.deeanne1966.blogspot.com

Angelic Readings

I love days off. I had my second one today and I go back again tomorrow. I promised myself that I would sleep in but I haven't, not even once. Oh well. I like getting up somewhat early. I woke and had myself the most amazing shower in the world. This a claw tub..with the shower curtain that surrounds the entire tub..no walls. My GOODNESS this is like an orgasm in a bath form. The shower head is massive and has so much hot, steamy water pouring. It was probably the best way to wake myself up on a dreary, rainy, smug day off.

I like that I can vocalise my insecurities.. and get answers that I need to hear. I am just lucking out when I get the answers I am looking for. It makes me feel so happy to know that I am not wasting my time. I love to know that I am doing something good with my life right now. Friendships are good, but they don't fill that void..

I feel full of life.. I feel excited about my days. I wonder waaaay into the future like most girls do. I wonder about things that shouldn't even be entering my mind at this point. But it's fun..and hell who said I can't have a little fun?

Knowing that certain people read this... holds me back from really writing how I feel. There are some people at home in Hinton that read it.... and I wonder if my life is being discussed..? I hope not.. I hope that what people read on here.. is something that they can respect and know that it isn't something I would appreciate being talked about.

I am happy. I am just really excited about my current situation because it is so new. I don't feel as afraid of it as I did either. Things were discussed between us and I couldn't feel better about the situation.

I confided in my angel cards last night.. and I got.. "Self Acceptance".. and "Soul Mate".

Now I'm not jumping to conclusions..but, these are pretty dead on cards for me to be getting. I NEVER get the soul mate card, never, never. I was also feeling really insecure about myself..like I always do in any new relationship.. so the self acceptance card was perfect..just telling me to accept myself as the angels and "god" see me. I am perfect in their eyes, therefore I should believe that I am perfect the way that I am. Again, I feel better having a little talk with *him and I do feel a lot more confident.
Self Acceptance~ "You are a perfect child of "god" and every part of you is wonderful. Your angels guide you to let go of negative self judgments and to enjoy being you!"

"Although you enjoy having high standards it's important to view yourself through loving eyes. Berating yourself only makes your spirit sink. Self improvements come from a positive mind set. "









Soul Mate~" Your prayer for a soul mate relationship has been answered. Follow the guidance that you receiveso that you may enjoy this gift of divine love."

"Your heart yearns for a big love. Since you are on the spiritual path, you desire a partner with a similar philosophy and common interests. Can you have great passion and spiritual companionship with the same person? The answer is yes. "

These cards are amazing and so right on with how I am feeling lately. I think that everyone should consider getting a stack of these..because they are just so therapeutic.

Doreen Virtue, PH.D - Oracle Cards.
"Healing With The Angels"

www.doreenvirtue.com

Swept

" The next time someone says, 'isn't a girlfriend something you have in highschool?' I'm going to say, ' a girlfriend is what I wake up to every morning, and I love it."

Yes, these are words from *him *himself..

I am a happy girl. I found someone that likes to watch hockey with me, that completely intrigues the hell out of me. I can't for the life of me, think of anyone that I've met that even resembles some of these traits in my entire life. I've been swept. It's as simple as that really.

We both joke about how much we hate lame-ass couple stuff, like double dating and people that are all over eachother in public. I can't express this enough, we consider ourselves a couple, only if it is understood that we are not to be categorized as the lame ones. When we were out with another couple.. (had been asking us to go out with them a few times...) *he was being such an ass. We thought of pet names to call eachother to poke fun at our friends. I apparently..somehow am "Raspberry" and he was "SugarBum"... but I've changed it to "Fruit Loop."

Fruit Loop because he is the craziest guy ever. He's really goofy, yet sexy and mysterious.. I don't know how it works, but somehow it does. After spending the last few days with him, I am beginning to get to know him more and more.. and I like it.

His music. Wow. This *one has talent. Talent that I can't describe. His voice is so sexy... his ability to basically play anything I request is so impressive..yet, he doesn't show off at all. God, modesty is sexy. I am completely intrigued with his gift to play and sing. I stare at his hands...in awe as he plays.. I admire the veins in his neck when he hits hard notes.. his arm strumming away.. He's a great package.

His passion is what gets me the most. He has such passion for ... certain things. His family is very important, and I love it. His baby sister is the world to him and I LOVE that. His love for his sister reminds me of my brother's love for me. So right there, I know what kind of a brother he is.. a damn good one. His mom is the world to him, and I can see that as well. His buddies that he left behind are talked about often and with such expression. He smiles at the mention of one of their names. It's great. And his BEST friend, she is someone special in his life... and that's great that he has that. His music. The way that he plays his guitar is filled with so much feeling and emotion... He loves it and I can see it.. and I love it. I just admire his passion for everything that he loves in his life.

So there it is. I am hooked. Swept... I'm in and I feel so good about this..

Beats On..

Tonight. Tonight I am planning on going out on a date. We are going to dinner, decked out in beautiful outfits..to dine in one another's company.

I have made a date with Alex. We are going to a nice restaurant and I told her that I wanted her to be really dressed up. I am contemplating wearing my prom dress, just to be funny. But I don't think I have it in me just yet. I might even wear a nice dress, but put my oiler's jersey on over top. Hehe

To all the pervs that are requesting the penis pumpkin pictures..I am afraid to tell you that it is too late. The pumpkin has been tossed...by my aunt. I am unable to .... wait... Maybe she didn't just yet. I'll check tonight and if it's there..I shall take a picture of it for all of you. I will also take a picture of my winning pumpkin too.

My sister's 26th is next weekend.. And I am going to Victoria. Well I believe *we are going and *he can meet my sister and her boyfriend. Yah!! I am really looking forward to it. We're going to get shittered. Good times I say.

Soooo I am off for an interesting enough evening. I hope to meet up with *him later on, as sickening as that sounds... Like I haven't been around *him enough. Oh but it's just the beginning and it's only going to get more sickening. The feeling in me is strong...and with each passing day it's getting even stronger. Here's to my bruised, glued together.. barely beating broken heart!! A little dramatic..but good effect..

Love As If You'll Never Get Hurt

I have not been around..to update. SO weird, but at the same time.. It means that I have actually been busy for the first time since I moved... that didn't include work at all.

So, what you may ask did I do for my three days off...?? Got to know *someone better.. Isn't that the fun part really? I mean, getting to hear a new story, different history. It's different and I have decided that different certainly is better. Suddenly I feel blessed for being dumped. I can't imagine meeting up with this *one and having a boyfriend. My days were really great and they weren't even all that eventful. That's the beauty of it, isn't it? Spending time..with *someone...doing nothing and somehow it is all you could ask for..

Going back to work was a shame.. Just makes me look forward to my next days off that much more. I look forward to what my future holds...but I am also a little leery.

I can't live my life..in fear of getting hurt again, though. Everyone gets burned..everyone. All hearts have been broken...in some form or another... A heart that isn't broke does not exist in this world. A heart is meant to break. As horrible as that may sound. It is the truth. I just hope this *one doesn't do that to me. Who knows..

Love As If You'll Never Get Hurt. That's a saying I have up in my room. It' s something I have to remind myself of. My friend is in the military. It makes me very uneasy and I have told him that I fear that he could get killed once he has to go over to Iraq, or wherever... who knows by then.. And he tells me .. he could die crossing the street.. And yes of course we both know that his chances of dieing in a war are a lot more likely..but he does have a point. I mean, living in fear of getting hurt emotionally would honestly make a person mental..or at least really hard to get to know. I'd be a damn hermit. Hiding away in a cave somewhere... cursing people that hiked by..thinking... don't talk to them..they'll HURT me. haha. Went a little off there. My friend had a point. He always seems to know what he's talking about. He's a good friend. And he's right. He could die doing anything.. and that fearing for his safety isn't something I should do too too much...though that is impossible. And everyone knows what I'm talking about because of Perry over in Iraq right now. We're all worried about him. But all in all, when our time comes... we go..no matter what. And hurt will come when it is meant to..and we can't do anything about that either.

Hurt comes, but it also goes... And I can enjoy not being hurt for the time being.. Enjoy the peace and harmony in my life while it is here..

My Kind Of Night

Things are happening rapidly right now. I blink and suddenly... another great thing has happened for me. I can't help but smile, all the time. I just feel on top of the world.. I feel refreshed and new.

Last night was our 2nd Annual Pumpking Carving Thanksgiving Feast at my auntie's. I was pleased to see that my aunty as usual, made lots of dips, and bought spreads for crackers. I was also pleased to have bought a case of beer to share or not... The Vancouver and Edmonton game was on. It was ON. My cousin and her dad are huge Canucks fans. They both had their jerseys on and Alex even had her Canuck's ball cap on. I believe that I had nothing of the sort on. I am planning on going into Nanaimo on Tuesday to purchase an Oiler's jersey of my very own. I feel like I have to represent for my team here on the island. I may get beat up but... I am willing to take it for the team. Haha. So the turkey was made..table was set.. our fingers were clutching our beers as we yelled at the tv. I think my aunty planned it this way... supper was during intermission. I think that we were resembling Erin and Holli's tv zombies. The dinner was extraordinary. I loved every second of it. I ate sooo much food, but it was hard to keep up the drinking. But I did, of course. The game was very close and both teams pulled their own. It ended in a shoot out and well... we won! Again.

The pumpking carving went well also. My mom carved an evil looking creature...and my aunty tried to carve a profile of a person smoking a cigarette. Believe me if she had told me this was her plan, then I would've warned her that she isn't talented enough in the "arts" section to pull this one off. The pumpkin ended up looking like a penis with a large bag. HAHA. We had a first place, a runner up (aka FIRST loser) and the loser. My gran lost last year and was sure that she wasn't going to this year. She laughed in my aunties face..saying, "you will lose this year hahahaha". Then, I carved my step dad's face. He was the kind that was pretty easy to capture on a pumpkin if you can believe that. The candles were lit and the judge arrived. (Alex's best friend, Miss Angie.) She decided that Alex's cute face was a second place...Grannie's was the loser! And MINE was the winner. She never knew Rudi but said, "we like the guy with the glasses". I was ecstatic..(over a pumpkin) !! Rudi and I won! I got a five in one screwdriver and a mini tape measurer for my key chain. Good times..good food..dammnnnnnn good game!

The evening ended with *someone that makes me smile just thinking about him. So all in all, my Thanksgiving was all I could've asked for..

The Sparkle In My Eyes

Today today today.

My day went quite well at work. I've worked my little butt off for the last couple of months and it has payed off. I got a raise! I will not go on to share how much I make because it is peanuts, but it is enough for me right now, to live off of. Hehe, living at home has many benefits.

I am excited. That is what my post is... I am finding myself anxious, but a good anxious all of the time. Anxious for a phone call or a "get together.." I am excited about getting up in the morning, again. I mean, of course I served a purpose before, but it just is more exciting. I don't just work .. I have something to look forward to after a hard's day of work.

ALSO.... Hockey is back!!!! I am very excited about this. I wasn't at first just because since I moved, I don't get to see the Edmonton games, I get to see the Vancouver games. Now the Canucks are a good team, but Edmonton is MY team. I was born in Alberta, closer to Edmonton than Calgary. I am a fan. I don't know the names of all the players, I don't understand some of the calls... but I do love watching the games. I enjoy when we score a goal and when we get into fights.. I enjoy the OverTime games, especially when we win. The Oilers have had a rough go but I think this year it just might change. My ex used to LOVE Colorado and for some reason I hate them.. I don't even have a good reason. I just do. So when Edmonton and Colorado would play we'd be on opposite couches..doing victory dances to the other whenever our team would score. Good times. The other night, I was watching Vancouver play..which they won, by the way. And I wasn't really into it. I mean, I was into it just because it was the first game since the strike...and that's exciting. But at the bottom of the screen it says that the Edmonton game is playing on Ch. 77!!! I couldn't believe it.. It was the third period..and Edmonton was leading.. I believe 3-2. They were playing Colorado..hahahaha and then Colorado scored..with ten minutes until the end of the game. Shit. I was yelling and I was cursing and my mom was asking me from her bedroom what I was doing.. Then... it was all over, Edmonton scored and I was so excited. It's different when it's your team. My heart rate is up, and I wince whenever the puck goes near our end zone... I am angry and yelling at the players.." REBOUND. Why wasn't he there for the rebound shot..fuckin' morons.." Then we score and I'm like, " YES YES YES!! I love these guys!" (I have to admit..I did the yes, yes, yes the other night watching the game when we won..and it did sound pretty similar to "When Harry Met Sally" orgasm. You all know what I'm talkin' 'bout...) So I love my team and I am hoping that I can watch them more here because shit, it makes me really happy.

The excitement..again. It keeps finding me these days and I love it. I love that a hockey game put me in such an energetic, positive mood. Well, now let's be honest, the hockey isn't the only exciting thing in my life right now. But for now, that's all I'm going to get into detail about.. the hockey.

Remember When..

Hmm, thinking back.. Waaaay back... to my first love.

We haven't been together for over four years now. But I can't help but remember some of the good things about the entire relationship. He was my first love and I don't think that that First Love...overwhelming, breathtaking, emotional feeling will ever come back? Am I just naiive? Or was that it? I really hope not. I just know that the feeling came back .. but only for a little while with the other one.. I just can't help but wonder. He always said.. " I'll find you someday and we'll be together again." I don't want him back but I want that In Love feeling back. Who knows..

I wonder what he is up to these days...and if he is doing better with his life. I hope that he is in a healthy, non-drug related relationship with someone great. I hope that he is living a happy, successful life or at least is close to it. I want so many good things for him now. That must mean something... someone who hurt me beyond hurt ... and I want good things for him. That must mean I have learned from the relationship. I can forgive him, but not what he did to me.. or how he treated me..

I miss being young and in love. Even though at the time, it wasn't glamorous AT ALL. It was pretty bad at times, but some of the good times were always completely blocked out of my memory..by ME. It's funny how I do that.. how I am doing it. I can't believe I can actually block things out, by putting them at the back of my mind to be dealt with much, much further down the road. He hurt me in so many ways, but now I can remember the good times we did share and laugh about them..and learn from them.

Kirk helped me grow. He is a big reason why I am the way I am today. I am a much, much better girlfriend than I ever was with him. He was my first real boyfriend and I sure wasn't a candidate for #1 Girlfriend. Though, I don't think that award ever would exist. We're women...we're high maintenance..to a lot of men, I mean, ALL men that does not deserve an award. Haha. He helped me. Period.

I am no longer holding onto our memories... I am remembering them and enjoying them. He was quite the character..with faults... but man his good qualities were awesome. Total goof, total brat..always bugging me..teasing me.. The memories are so vague once I sit and try to remember exactly.... It's been so long I am not sure what it was like to be with him. Maybe that is a good thing, really.

That naiive, little, inexperienced girl is now no longer... he had something to do with that.. Today I am stronger, more independent, a little more experienced..(hehe) young woman that is on START ... in her game of Life.


(Picture is of us at his prom 2002.. at Jasper Park Lodge..even you can all see the fairytale I was living...well I thought I was living..)

Baby Steps

This blog I am dedicating to my mom. Today is a big day for her. I don't think she really realizes it, but I do. I got her to start her own blog. She is not very good with the whole computer thing yet. She's still pretty slow at it. But she is a great writer. I always noticed this in her cards on birthdays or anniversaries..she has a way with words. She is talented with sharing how she feels..on paper. Hmm, suddenly I am realizing where I might get my talent and love for writing from. I think that she has taken a giant step by entering the blog world. She is intimidated with the idea of it because it is way out of her comfort zone, to share her feelings with just anyone. But I assure her that you are all wonderful people that will enjoy hearing what she has to share.
I have been reading her Afguy's blog daily, which she always enjoys. I have been showing her Holli's videos of Faith that I am overdone excited about being able to see. She has seen Mama's kids and Suz's Connor. (cause he's so freakin' cute how could I not share him with her!)

She hears all of your comments and I can see that if she had this..this support, she would feel a lot better about her day's and night's. So I am getting her out there. It is her turn to have some friends. She needs people to converse with, and I have a feeling that this is just the trick. My mom is somewhat reserved because she doesn't like to go out and meet people on her own. She's afraid of it. I am a lot like her, but it is easier for me to meet people than it is for her. So I again think that this is a great step in her healing process to be able to share her feelings and memories of her husband, her life...with all of you.

So I introduce all of you, to my mother, Kim Wirth. www.kimwirth.blogspot.com I am afraid I do not know or care how to do links. So this will just have to do. And please feel free to check out her little entry for today and to let her know that you were there. Thanks guys!

Sing For Me

The world works in mysterious ways. Just when I thought things would never look up, they suddenly have. I think I deserve a bit of a break and some happiness these days. I am floating on a cloud as we speak. My outlook feels different suddenly.. and I feel amazing.

The world is singing beautiful lyrics to me.. making me feel new, whole... just allowing me to be happy again. I didn't realize how great it feels to be happy. I've been waiting for a chance for me to get to this point, since... everything.. and I feel now like it is finally here.

All of this time anticipating *something.. and now that *something has arrived, full on.

The sound of someone strumming on a guitar makes butterflies fly in my stomach. My heart beats faster, to each chord that is played.. The atmosphere changes and I am so relaxed and at ease with myself, with my situation, with the world..

It feels great to be back on track.. to be out there. Finally out of my unhappiness and into what I feel like is the best thing that could happen for me right now...

Jazzin' At Bailey's

Today was very busy at work. Who would've thought the entire population of Qualicum Beach would visit Bailey's? For some reason it is supposed to be slowing down, but apparently we have a good reputation because the people keep coming in. I enjoy days that go by so quickly.

We all think that it might begin to slow down a little bit, but suddenly an african american man with the deadliest grey, more like white dread locks comes in with his guitar at hand, telling us that he has permission to play his music outside of the cafe'. We double check and yeah, he is supposed to be playing. Peculiar, but true. Then he decides that he wants to sing inside because he's afraid that it might rain and he only feels comfortable performing when he himself is comfortable. Yeah okay, whatever, come on in. This sure brought in the crowds. The most diverse crowds a person might see in the same room. There are grandmas clapping, hippies tapping their feet and conservative looking women, snapping their fingers. Everyone seemed to be enjoying the music. I for one, was enjoying it but was completely overwhelmed by the demand for my attention.... making latte's, taking orders, getting ice cream, delivering food and everything else that comes with this job.

By the time he had finished his set, the cafe' clears almost instantly. There are three of us still working, buzzing around trying to prepare ourselves for closing. The other two girlies leave me on my lonesome..and wow did I ever have dishes to do. SO MUCH. But in the end I got everything finished and I was only an extra fifteen minutes. It felt good to be in charge and actually get things done in time. I was givin' er though. Givin' er my all. To be quite honest Bailey's has been getting a lot of my "all" these days.

It's just so funny that I am apart of this crazy island life now. The fact that an old jazzy hippy came into the establishment and said...I'm playing some music is that okay... and we were like yeah, no problem..just seems so not like where I'm from. I like change in this case, because I think it's really interesting. Interesting that hippies and oldies sat in the same room swaying to the same music.. ??? It's very layed back here I guess. I like that at work today I had live entertainment while I mopped the floors and cleaned out orange specks out of the microwaves. At the time I was annoyed that he attracted soooo many people. But now it makes me think...and again, I've decided.. I like it here.

Not a Student

I've come to realize, no matter where I move... it is always going to be someone's hometown. Hinton was a place that I didn't plan on living near, or in once I grew up and got my shit together. Now, I have gotten away, and I'm settling in here. I have realized that, this too is a lot of people's home town.. and they too want to get the hell out of here. I fear that as soon as I get settled in, I will be left behind by all of my new friends.

Haha, yes I know this is a long way off, I am sure. But I am still kind of feeling a sense of panic. I am sure I have mentioned in other posts, that one of my hugest fears is to be left behind. I was talking to a friend last night, and he was saying that he's moving in eight months or so. Suddenly I felt panicked. I don't want anyone to move.. especially someone that I have founded such a unique friendship with.. But this is the facts, which of course I will eventually have to face. I just feel kind of ... scared I guess about what my future holds. I don't know what to expect..and I don't really have any plans.

I hate that one question, that so many people ask because they do not know what else to talk about..the small talk..chit chat.. "so are you going to school....?", or "you're probably not staying at Bailey's for long, probably saving up for school right.." I realize that people are just trying to be friendly, but something like this, makes me feel really shitty. "NO, I'm not going to school, I don't know WHAT I want..!" But, of course I would never do this. It almost seems like these days it's wrong NOT to go to school. Why is it that we are expected to go to school right away, and have an education? I mean, for obvious reasons it is great to get an education. I don't want to go to school for the sake of saying, "yeah I'm in school." What's the point? It's such a waste of money. I want to make sure I know what I want before I go getting myself a $20000 + student loan. I'm having a hard enough time saving to buy a car, never mind a loan..

I needed to vent just a little bit. I think I will end up in Vic near my sister in time. Who knows what the future holds.. I have high hopes in areas that don't even exist yet.. I have hopes in people that I hope want to become more of a friend to me.. I have hopes that I will be making some nice coin by the end of this summer..with my little cafe' job because I plan on staying and getting more "promotions" ...

So far, my goals are... to buy a car, a decent one that runs enough to get me from Point A to Point B. Another goal is to focus my thoughts on my writing..again, looking into some creative writing courses to keep me busy.. I also have to keep a positive outlook on the entire, "everyone's moving away.." idea that I have in my head..that is in fact true. Really, it's true everywhere.

No matter where I go I will be living in someone's home town that he is trying to escape. And soon I will mature enough to the point, where this won't matter to me anymore...

Lincoln

As everyone can clearly see, my brother is a complete and utter goof. He's the funniest person that I've been lucky to have been around all of my life.

When I was a little girl I was the tag along. I wanted to read just like Kyli and learn how to play baseball like my big brother. I was a busy little girl trying to be both my brother and my sister. But in the end I turned into a mixture of them both, as well as my very own person. With the two of them helping mom and Rudi raise me I turned into quite the little creation. I wouldn't be who I am without their love and torture.

Lincoln and I did get along when we were younger, but I would never have imagined what it is like now between us. My brother is very compassionate towards other people. He doesn't like to make anyone feel uncomfortable and he always wants to make sure that I am okay in any situation. It's like I'm a little girl again, and he's taking care of me. I don't think he'll ever truly stop taking care of me, really. Even though he lives in a different province entirely, which is getting difficult to deal with, he will always be there for me. He is a very difficult person to get a hold of. He works the graveyard shifts always and it's tough trying to phone him when he's not sleeping.

When us kids were little, I remember we all slept in a big queen size bed after the divorce. Our aunts and mom's friends used to say that we were like kittens, because we stuck so closely to one another when we slept. I'd have a foot in the face, Linc would have Kyli's elbow up his nose, etc. We were always a cuddley little bunch. Imagine how we like to sleep now. I remember that I was always in the middle..Linc would pinch me and I'd cry and Kyli would shove me out of the way and pound the crap out of him for me. We were always bugging each other. My dad would come for a weekend visit and take us back to Drayton with him. Kyli never got the front seat because dad didn't want to leave me and Linc alone together, because I'd cry because he made a face at me,etc.

Lincoln is very talented. He's a sketch artist, that roughly jots his artistic scratches in one of his many sketchbooks. This is where I received my love for art, through him. I love to sketch as well, which I must say, I have not done in a very long time.

I can not begin to explain my brother's respect he has for me as a young woman now. He literally thinks the world of me and I can say that without it being a conceited thing. He does. I make him laugh the most out of anyone I think. We both feed off of each other's humour and that is what makes us so funny when we are together. I love my brother and hope that he does in fact decide to move out to the island sooner than he anticipated.

Linc this one's for you..

A Brother Like No Other..

Baby Haley and Big Brother














Sharing the phone with Lincy












"Hear let me show you how to do it"














I wanted to be just like him.















Lincoln being an asshole



















At Linc's Prom












I was Harry Potter, he was Motley's Tommy
Lee, we swapped glasses, and were hanging
off eachother for support. What a night!













At my Prom

Kyli~

Kyli isn't just a name to me. It sings to me.. it means so much more because of the person that that name represents..

My sister is the most influential person in my life, since day 1. July 16, 1985 I was studying everything about her, even as a new born. (if possible) I love everything about my sister. She's beautiful, she's wise..she has a nasty ass temper, yet her cheerfulness brightens an entire room. Seeing her at work, is like watching the sunshine in a cloudless sky.. She changes a setting to happy with just her presence alone. Like I said.. at work. Haha, sometimes not so much, but hell that's because I'm her baby sister. From all the pictures below, you'll see that I loved being around her. I wanted to be her and to be honest, part of me still wants to be like her.

People that know Kyli always have very positive things to say about her. She's so expressive. Telling her anything exciting is always so rewarding.

ME: " I sang karaoke in front of dad the other night.."

Normal Reaction: "Oh that's great..good for you."

KY Reaction: "SHUT UP. That's great what did he think!!??"

And no, I'm not exxagerating, she always does the Elaine off of Seinfeld.."Shut up!" It's the best telling her anything exciting, even if it's not all that exciting. She'll still make me feel like I did something amazing. Haha, so expressive.

Like most sisters I'm sure, we can talk for hours and hours over the phone. We are so interested in eachother's lives. I wish that I could live in her apartment in downtown Victoria. She has a great job, with many rewards, and again, I wish I could be her.

For some reason, I think I'll end up in Victoria eventually. There's something about that place that screams HOME..OPPORTUNITY...FREEDOM. Maybe that's how Kyli felt when her and Joe moved there I belive over three years ago..maybe less.

This girl is everything to me. If I didn't have her I don't know how I'd get by what I've been through in my life. Through the late nights of me on the phone with Kirk when I wasn't supposed to be. She caught me, after she got home from the bar..and she was smacking at me trying to hit the phone out of my hands..and I warned her.."get out of my face, don't make me get out of my bed because I don't know what I'll do.." She left the room, but hit me first beforehand. Haha, and I'm glad she did, because I was in the wrong. I remember when she was first growing her boobies...haha, like she watered them and tended to them..haha.. I gave her the hardest titty twisters and she cried. I thought it would make me feel good, but I felt bad afterwards. Or all the times when she would be getting ready to go out to the bar... I was watching "The Wizard of Oz" on tv (such a big event in my family..I loved the Wizard of Oz) and she couldn't down her Pilsner fast enough, so she gave the rest to me. I was eating candy contently. But I ditched the candy and guzzled her beer, and pretended I liked it. Eww, pilsner? Nobody really likes pilsner, haha. We have so many memories.

Let's just say she's always been there for me. I owe her one...I owe her a few thousand. She was on the phone with me through a HaleyVSMom head to head. She was my support system through it all, telling me it'll be okay..etc. It felt so nice to have someone on my side for once..squirting that bottle of water on my face tellin' me to get back in there. haha, just kidding.

I love you Kyli and I felt it was time to dedicate a blog to you, since you are reading it now.

Loveya,

MiniYou

Nothing Beats Sisters~

Baby Haley and big sister, always playing with my hair..















In Pretty Dresses















At Christmas Time..










At the zoo..Animals always freaked me out..




















At Aunt B's..Ky did my makeup..
















Ky mixed me a kahlua..oooh















Two years ago, in pretty dresses again..

Accepting Fate

I was chatting with one of my best friends from home.. I just went off on a tangent about how I think the world works... I decided to save the entire conversation so that I could write it all down in my blog for everyone to read and ponder.

Here's how I think it works...

There is something out there, something of a higher power, in my opinion, I think of angels. I have my angel cards that I've mentioned before that I really and truly believe in. Skeptics roll your eyes and move onto another blog because I've only just begun..

Whenever you find yourself doing something, that kind of surprises you or makes you question yourself after you've done it...let it happen..and trust that it needs to happen..

I listen to music in the shower now. I am never in that shower with silence, there has to be some kind of music blasting through my polka dot shower curtain. It ranges from Fuel to Jack Johnson to the Counting Crows to I DON"T CARE WHO KNOWS IT Kelly Clarkson... Tonight I was in the shower...and randomly chose song seven. It was a mixed cd that I made for myself. It was one of those songs that I thought I knew, but ended up thinking, oh shit what a waste of a song. I don't even know the song. But for some reason I said, ahh I'll listen to it. Usually I seek over it and move on. Tonight it played and I actually listened to the words. It made me think. That's all. I replayed the song, I liked it so much. I wonder why I randomly selected the song, and why I decided to listen to it for once.

Things happen for a reason and I don't think it's because we know what we want. We are humans we do not always know... We may THINK we do, but we don't. If we knew what we wanted, and knew what was right for us..we wouldn't make mistakes. We need to make mistakes sometimes...a lot of times. For these mistakes are what build our personalities, what shape who we are.

For instance, Rudi's passing happened because him being on earth beyond that time...wouldn't have worked. As much as I'd like for him to walk through that door right now and say, "you missed me?" he can't and he won't. His debts weren't outrageous, but they were there, that was added stress that none of us knew about. I remember him saying to me, as he drove me to work... "I have been working for over thirty years at this place. And I still have another ten years before I can retire..and I hate that." Wow, huh. Well I don't think he used the word hate..he wouldn't do that. He was much too positive of a person. But do any of you see what I mean?? He wasn't happy at his work, his life was work there for a bit. Things happen.

I am persuaded to people. I think a lot of who we end up with in life, is because we are being pushed towards the right ones. And even our failed relationships.... they happened so that we could learn. I mean, they may have been mistakes..but like I said before..

I am being pushed to people now as a new person to a strange place. These people that I associate with could be my best friends that I phone every night..in say a few months from now. I have friends here that I could never have if I lived in Hinton with Paul still. Even Paul not coming is the right thing. We wouldn't have worked and I'm glad that he's not here. I am very pleased with my new friendships more than anyone will ever know. I feel like a lot of these friends are like gifts given to me.... because I never would have ended up here if Rudi hadn't passed. It's like it's Rudi's way of making it up to us. Sending us here...for something bigger, for something better. And no not better than him..but something that we can look forward to..inspire us...encourage and LOVE us.

My new frienships are gifts from Rudi himself... He'll never truly stop giving will he...

Five Summers Ago

One of my very great friends from Lafayette commented on my blog the other day. I can not believe he found me!

I went to Lafayette, about... five years ago I believe. I was kind of an unhappy, little girl with things that I was dealing with back then. I didn't want to be home..I didn't want to hurt anymore, etc. It's not a big deal now to me, but it was everything to me then. I learned a lot and gained so much more by visiting my family and new found friends in Louisiana.

These people are unexplainable. They were so compassionate and caring towards eachother. I had never seen teenagers like this before. I don't know what it is, but Canadians are not that close. My friends would walk into a room with open arms, hugging me and everyone else that was in the room. My friends in Canada never did this and I was so thrilled with how different it was there for me. At that time in my life, I NEEDED to be hugged everyday, by everyone. I needed the attention they all gave me and the relationships we all shared.

I don't know whose idea it was for me to go there that summer, but it was a damn good idea and just what I needed in my life. It was my fifteenth birthday and I remember being rushed out of the house to play Laser Tag. When I returned, the entire living room was FULL of my new friends and their families. I couldn't believe it. My life had been going so shitty at home and all I knew at that point, that things were looking up. My aunt and uncle's swimming pool was filled with balloons. I had a birthday crown, that I actually wore on my 20th birthday this year, and presents and most importantly all of them. I can't even explain how great they all made me feel. I was the visitor..the Canadian, the excitement for that summer. Well, maybe not THE excitement, but I did feel like it.

On the day that I had to leave.. I will never forget. My friend David made me two cd's to remember the summer by for me. He gave me a discman for the airplane. My flight was pretty early, I think it was... at 7:00 and the following day everyone had to return for school. So on the day that my friends, and cousins could've slept in..they all got up and went to the airport to see me off. There was group of... maybe eight of them. We had a big group hug and I just remember crying so hard, wishing I could leave my own family and join this one. I wanted so badly to stay. As I was going down the stairs..I looked up and saw everyone, tear stained faces smiling and waving at me. My all time crush, RyGuy went onto the intercom and said, "We love you Haley" in his southern accent.

I love those people, I still have a special space for all of them in my heart. David commenting on my blog made me realize that I hadn't thought about that time in my life in a really long time.
And I'm glad that I can dedicate this post to my Lafayette Angels.

I love "y'all wherever you are.."

My Lafayette Angels

The Crew at someone's Swimming Pool









They threw me a Surprise Birthday Party











Chillin' at Tiff's house..

THAT girl

Tired. Today is Friday to most normal people that get weekends off. Today is my Monday. Lately my day's off have been Wednesday and Thursday. So I am feeling run down from my day. I don't know, there was just something about me today.. I never relaxed once at work. I was really tense..and worried I was going to screw up. And then I would screw up. It's like I was psyching myself out to screw up. Oh well.

At one point today... I rang in a coffee, after the man said he wanted water. So I gave his wife the coffee, and then I began to pour him another. He yells, " NO I want water." I'm like, "yes, that's right, I am really sorry. I swear I'm not doing this on purpose." The woman then sends her husband away to sit and calm down. I am way beyond flustered. For some strange reason these people are married yet, they always pay seperate. So we have to figure out the difference..blah blah blah. I am a retard when it comes to math. It is really sad, so I was zero help in the matter. Just kind of stood there red faced and agreed to whatever she said.. (which can't be good to always do, one day that'll catch up on me.) So by this time, the man is back because we've taken so long. So I send Annette to get him a mug of hot water. And he yells again, "I don't want HOT water. I want it cold!" HAHA. I can't help but laugh at this time. I wasn't offended that he was getting so upset with me. I'd be getting a little upset with me at this point. I bet he calls me "THAT girl." They'll be in again tomorrow and I know with my luck I'll get them..and he'll be thinking.."Oh no, not THAT girl again."

Then this pack of five young men come in. They are kind of rowdy and a little noisey. All at once they bombard me with what they want.. BLT's..mini pizzas...crispy chicken wrap..I don't want that five, I want another one...etc. All at once, and I am not exxagerating. I was so overwhelmed by them. Not to mention they're immature, and they're hitting each other in the ass HARD while the other person is trying to order. My goodness. Then this one starts to feed me one liners. "You have the most beautiful eyes...you know." He was so intense, I couldn't stand it. I swear he was looking right through my clothes.. There was just something about this guy that made me feel super uncomfortable. He goes on to say, "At least I made you smile..." So I agree, yes he did make me smile. Then he says, "And you look beautiful when you're smiling.." BLAH. He goes on to invite me out for coffee..and I reply, "With ALL of you?" I am just not even sure how my brain is working at this point, I am so overwhelmed and shook up and embarrassed... He again asks me out but this time just with him and then his friends are all grabbing drinks to pay for and it's just getting chaotic. Finally my boss steps in and asks if I need help. Thankfully Heidi saw what had been going on and sent him in there to rescue me. She said to me later that she was watching him earlier and he had been staring at me the entire time I was working with other customers. She said she sort of saw it coming and wished she had warned me. Oh well.

There was just something about this one guy that was so persistent. I've read in magazines that women's intuition is always right. I just had this really gross feeling, almost making me feel sick to my stomach about him. I know that I wouldn't want to see him alone anywhere or even in a bar in fear that he'd follow me. Maybe he was just a jackass trying to impress his friends. There just isn't any honour in embarrassing a woman, and making her feel that uncomfortable. Why would I want to date a guy like that? Apparently he thinks he's doing it right. I hope he got the message when William delivered their food, and I completely avoided their table until they all left. Yikes, I did not like that feeling very much.

So that was my day. I was THAT girl that couldn't get a glass of water right. Haha. I was also THAT girl that was harrassed by five boys all at once. AHH.

I'm glad that I get to be THAT girl that doesn't have to work anymore today.

Not the most flattering of the bunch. Just an idea of my level of drunkeness last night.